Bea,

Thanks for the food for thought. I first noticed H's memory loss after he returned from Iraq in 2004. The first clue was about a trip we had taken when he was home for R&R Thanksgiving 2003. We had gone on a 4 day ski trip to Austria and there were several unique things about the trip. A year later we visited the same place, stayed in the same hotel, etc. H had no recollection of having ever been there. There have been other non-A related instances - going to the airport a day after he was supposed to, buying 2 tickets for the same trip, not knowing directions to health clinic even though he had been there several times, leaving the oven on, etc. There were things about the A that I really believe he did not remember. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. At the polygraph, he said some of the things he was not sure if he remembered or someone just told him that it happened. So, yes, I think sometimes he really did not remember and sometimes he lied. I actually think his memory got much much worse during the A, but it is hard to know that for sure.

H contacted OW via email using the computer at MIL's house. He admitted to the contact two days after he sent it. I think he admitted to it for two reasons; 1) I suspected and asked him about the contact from his behavior - talking just like any wayward and 2) OW did not respond to him. If she had, I think H would have kept pursuing the A and I would be paying a D lawyer instead of putting braces on DS15's teeth.

We had a pretty good weekend; no A talk, getting out to a movie and doing a little shopping. There is ahuge strain between H and DS15. H said he would talk to DS15, but I doubt he will unless I push him and I really don't want to be the one dragging H through R.

H has not started any kind of meds. He does not have an appt until Dec to talk about anti-depressants. In the meantime, his mood seems pretty good. It looks like Mr. Hyde is back in the box for now anyway. I started a calendar with dates of when I know H was depressed and will track it better from now on.

AM

Has he been thoroughly checked for the memory loss? Our best friend was in the Gulf War, and was exposed to a chemical that is essentially killing his brain cells. He had to leave a lucrative government job because he could no longer perform his duties. It took 10 years of fighting with them, but the government finally admitted what happened and they are just now taking care of him! Just now, after all this time, they're paying for him to go to the Mayo Clinic to try to find a way to help him.

But he'll never be the same. It gets worse every year. They say he'll eventually not even know who his kids are. Please check into it!

Oh, and he takes about 50 pills a day, to try to slow down the memory loss.

Cat,

H had a battery of cognitive/memory tests last winter. A few quirky things appears, but nothing really substantial.

Trigger, triggers everywhere, but I am keeping my mouth SHUT about them at home. Working out extra hard at the gym and a call in to IC for an appt soon.

AM

GY,

You are on my mind lately. Hope you are doing well.

AM

AM,
I come on here every day to check on you. I too have been concerned about how things are going with you.

I am having some serious triggers and flashbacks related to d-day(s). I really did not expect this to be so traumatic. I guess it just goes to show that no matter how protective and supportive the FWH has been over the year a BS still has a lot to deal with. Of course, I am drowning again in the knowledge of his long-time affair and the intensity of it. It is so hard to deal with the fact that he could have shared a secret life with someone else--things that were said and done that I'll never know.

You can tell that I'm not doing well.

Thanks!

GY

GY,

I am sorry you are not doing well. It is tough to get through the holidays even without the added stuff from D-day anniversaries.

Are you able to do something for yourself - get a manicure or facial or something else you like? I think now would be a good time to really pamper yourself. You are clearly a wonderful woman and deserve all the best life has to offer.

Last night for us was a little rough for us. H was somewhat detached and thinking about Iraq. Meanwhile, I am hyper-vigilant, looking for any nuance in his behavior. We ended up arguing a little and H said something to the effect of why is it always about what you want. What the heck????? As if I wanted all this stuff he has been doing for the past couple of years. He really has been trying I think, brought me flowers for Thanksgiving table, wrote me a loving note. So this morning, I decided to get outside myself and brought H coffee in bed. He said I woke him up from a bad dream in which the bad guys were killing nuns. Man, this stuff is so complex.

I think time really helps. 'unfortunately, we went back to square two (not really all the way back to original D-day) just a couple of weeks ago.

Today, I just want to be the best me possible and let everything else go ---- just for today. I think I can do that.

AM

AM,
I think AA must be onto something with this "One Day at a Time" concept. I like your being-the-best-me-I-can-be-today attitude I think I'll try it and see if it helps chase the tigers away.

I'm glad you didn't clobber H when he made the about-you comment. Sometimes--oh, what the heck--many times they forget that they made it so that it would be all about us for a long time to come.

It is good to hear you being so positive. It reminds me to be so.

May your holiday be good.

GY

goldenyears & armymama ..........

Saying a prayer for both of you today!

Praying you both have a nice Thanksgiving

Thinking about you GY. Praying you are doing ok.

Things here are ok, not terrible, not wonderful. Yesterday evening, H went to the hardware store without telling me he was leaving. It gave me an immediate trigger. A couple of days ago, he bought a new phone (similar type as before but screen broke on that one) and that was a trigger as well. H was in the EA phase of the A when he got the last phone and the during the PA, the phone played a prominant role with text messages, photos from our vacation spots, trading nude photos of H and OW, Yuck. I thought I was about done with this trigger stuff. Now it is flooding back.

Wish we would get the snow so we could get outside and do some skiing. Instead, it is just dreary inside and out.

AM

AM,
I've been much better since the earlier part of the week. We have actually been visiting family out of town since Wednesday. Obviously, being together 24/7 and being in a different location has been good. When we get back home and I am left to myself while H is at work, I absolutley must find some way to deflect the thoughts that drag me down. That was then; this is now. That was then; this is now. That was then....

Hang in there, friend.

GY

GY,

I hope today finds you doing better. I make no claim to be an expert (what an understatement - sometimes I feel like the biggest failure at all this), but my advice would be to stay busy, busy, busy for the next few days untilyou are past the D-day anniversaries. Plan every minute of time so there is no time left for wandering thoughts, introspection and letting the mind go to dark places.

Your H, like mine - maybe even more so than mine, cares about you and does not wish you to hurt any longer. If it were not that way, he would be on the D-train out of the marriage. At least that is my take from the outside looking in.

AM

You are the farthest thing from a failure armymama.

We aren't defined by the success of our M.

AM,
The failure and the blame can lie only at your H's feet. You are a wonder!

GY

Well, I sure stink at taking my own advice. To much time on my hands over the long weekend and was feeling down, down, down. DS21 in Iraq is ignoring all emails from me, H and DD36 and a package we sent him for halloween came back as undeliverable. I am not sure what is going on in his head, but it certainly makes me sad and worried.

Today was light years better. Went to the gym today and it was just what I needed.

GY, did you go for a massage today? I think I will add spa gift certificate to my Christmas wish list - along with a large mixing bowl and new potholders (H accidentally dropped one potholder into the woodburning stove and it is nothing more than a few ashes). Simple wants.

AM

A little update - mostly for me since I don't keep a separate journal.

H and I had a discussion a couple of days ago about O&H. It has been a huge sticking point for us since D-day. When we worked on the O&H subcourse in Jan 2009, H said he would try to be open, but was not sure if he could because he has always been a conflict avoider. He was still saying much the same sort of thing a couple of days ago. I asked how I was supposed to know when something bothered him, am I supposed to trust his judgement about what is important to be open about and what is not? This is bigger than just asking whether I look fat in these jeans or not. H had not told me some pretty important stuff lately - such as he contacted the OW and was making a plan to leave. I told H that unless he commits to complete O&H, it is a dealbreaker for me and I cannot be M to him. H got pretty upset, but finally agreed that he has to tell me what he is thinking. This is the first he has talked the talk on this topic - now time to see if he will actually walk the walk. H has done about half the things on my list of requirements for his return. I plan on bringing up the progress/lack of progress when we go to our MC appointment Tues.

AM

Hi AM

I'm following your journal.

J has become O&H recently and I've been trying to think what the turning point was.

He would keep to himself things that were upsetting or annoying him and I think largely because my response was to defend myself best form of defence being attack. SO he didn't always feel safe enough to be OandH.

He seems to be more chilled because of his o&H.

How do you feel about the level of progress?

ANy news from Iraq?

Hope you have a good Sunday

Just remember that NOT being O&H is completely due to fear. Just like a five year old, who's afraid of being punished for admitting he broke the glass.

Once your Hs realize they will be...benefitted and not punished for the O&H, it may start coming more easily.

Kind of like, when my H - who for years would not lift a single finger around our house - does something to help me now, I bend over backwards to make the ensuing hours after the feat especially nice for him: favorite foods, hugs and kisses of course, watch HIS show, do his favorite activities...it can be really subtle, but the end effect is that he subconsciously starts to equate O&H (or in my case helping me) with good things, not bad.

I feel your pain. In our positions, we BS's seem to constantly worry what the spouse might be thinking. Mine is probably so sick of hearing "What are you thinking?" Sometimes he hesitates just a second too long before responding; and I, of course, ask "Truth." He has come to realize that is part of his cross to bear for the betrayal.

It is good to hear from you.

GY

Thanks for checking in on me. it's good to have folks interested.

DS21 called from Iraq Sat afternoon. He sounded pretty good and H and I talked to him for about 35 minutes. No talk about his feelings over the past month's events, just newsy news. It was a good conversation. I know things had been weighing on H's mind because whenever we talked about DS21 he looked pretty sad and H had said he was hoping DS21 would call/email after H sent his apology week ago Sat.

GY, your comment is so ironic. I often used to ask H what he was thinking. Now he is the one asking me. Usually, it is not about much of anything. But since this last event, the triggers have been back with a vengence. The Tiger Woods story really had me going. And last night, I could not watch the last episode of The Amazing Race (is that REALLY a great loss - I think not) because it ended in Las Vegas (OW and H had plans to go, joked about being married by an Elvis, OW sent H a text from Vegas while we were out at my birthday dinner, and THE text that led to D-day came in the middle of the night from Vegas). Anyway, my mantra is "That was then and this is now" over and over again, all the while I bite down hard on my tongue.

AM

AM,
His wanting to know what you are thinking sounds promising. A little fear on his part can be a good thing.
GY