One more thing.....

Do you have a land line??? If so, cancel that cell phone pronto. If OM can pay for her divorce, he can pay that stinkin phone......

(and I'd also start canceling any joint CC.....)

Update, and this is big. I finally got through to OM's MIL. What a talk that was! He is a wife beater and an alcholic, unemployed, broke, ego maniac. Said the check would most definitely bounce. Professional Liar! She has begged me to have my wife call her, which after much prodding, she is doing right now!

Please, please, if you are religious, send up a prayer right now that the bubble will burst. And the fog will lift.

Thank you Mark, Barnboy and all the rest for your continued encouragement and push for exposure. If we can work this out or not, at least I know I did all I could, now its up to her.

The fat lady hasn't sung yet...

But she might be warmin' up...

Mark

My prayers are going to G-d and having his will win out...

PH, what's happening?!

My wife did call the OM's MIL and talked to her for 1-1/2 hours. She learned a lot about the OM, including he is an alcoholic and an abuser. After talking to the MIL, she then called the OM and of course he disputed it all, but W said she believes the woman.

Initially, she seemed okay albeit upset with me because the night before our oldest asked me point blank about us divorcing and if she was talking to someone else, to which I was honest. As the day wore on, she became more withdrawn. We didn't talk any more after that.

I checked the phone records, after that last conversation with OM, he sent her a text msg several hours later, to which she did not respond.

I could not have imagined being at this point last Friday. I assume I need to continue to give her space and let her come to me when she wants to talk or be close. Am I right in this thinking or do I need to be pro-active?

PH,

GREAT job on getting through to the MIL. You did ask her for contact info on OM's wife, right? If not, call her again and get that info. You still need to talk to his wife personally. You've done an amazing job so far, now nail this door shut!!!!


not2fun

I need advice on where to go from here. With all the anxiousness and anxiety of the affair and how to deal with it, I was not prepared for the abrupt collapse of it and the aftermath. She is very withdrawn today, I have talked to her a couple of times on the phone (I am at work). She's weepy and I know she is embarrassed. I want to be what she needs right now, I am still on Plan A, filling her EN's but is there anything more I should do?

We haven't talked about it at all, but per the phone records, she has not contacted OM since confronting him yesterday. He has sent a few text msgs, but she hasn't responded. I view that as good.

As to talking to the OMW, her mother said OMW was fully aware of the situation but OM was threatening her in order to keep her from leaving him. He is very abusive. I am so glad this came out before my W found this out by experience. I don't see the point in contacting the OMW now.

Thanks again to all who encouraged me to expose. That single phone call may have saved my wife years of abuse or possibly even her life. If it is ever a question of whether to expose or not, this would have never happened had I not made the call.

Let her withdraw and dislodge from the fog before making MC appointments. Practice honesty without love busters.

Check her in two weeks whether she would join you at a MB weekend? Alternatively contact the Harley's on line.

P.H., this is "good" only in the same way that if someone were shooting at you with a large-caliber, high-powered rifle, but hadn't hit you yet, that'd be "good."

It is by no means good, if your wife is being subjected to repeated attempts at contact that test her resolve at a time when her resolve is still weak.

By what means is this texting occurring? It's time to cancel the account, and/or change the number, and/or throw away the device on which the texts are being received.

You CAN block his number. It's very easy to do.

Show her a strong, silent, caring, compassionate, concerned, self-confident man with amazing morals and the ability to turn the other cheek. Let her lean on you without you bringing anything up until she's ready. Let her feel safe.

Oh, and get all your numbers changed today!

PH

""I need advice on where to go from here.""

Your wife is, yes, humiliated, scared, confused, horrified at her actions, her fantasy dream has been shattered, her future as she imagined is now gone and reality is setting in.

You become her rock to cling to in this flood of emotions. Your love for her and your PLAN Aing even more than before will be her refuge and lighthouse in this storm of emotions. (we might have too many emotion metaphors here )

NO RELATIONSHIP talk. Loving support, kind words, hugs if OK with her. Smile and be happy (which you are ) Get the kids to plan A too.

Cash the check before he puts a stop payment on it!!

""saved my wife years of abuse or possibly even her life. ""

Does your wife realize this??

Good job, stay strong and be her rock.

kirk

Absolutely. That phone number has to be changed. Now. No good will come from having that line of communication available to the two of them.

PH,

What do you mean you are filling her EN's? What specifically are you doing? What are her top 3 EN's (if you had to guess)?

Plan A us exactly what you need to be doing. Do remember Marks's rules for Plan A?.....here's a refresher

1. Advoiding all Love Buster's
2. Meet top EN's
3. NO ECPECTATIONS

I highlighted the third one for a reason. Because right now while she is going through WD, she is going to be a pain in the kesher. She will be moody, tempermental, weepy, bi-chy, and sullen. The good thing is it won't last forever. The worst will be these first 3weeks, with the last of it coming at an end in 6 weeks. But during this time she is going to test your resolve. ESPECIALLY, since she won't be meeting much of your EN's.

During this time, spend as much time with her doing RC, conversation (but not any relationship/affair/OM/marriage talks....), affection as possible.

Take her out, doing fun things. Comedy clubs, movies, shopping (Christmas is right around the corner ya know), errand running, bowling, mini-golf all fit the bill. It doesn't have to heavy duty romantic, but it does need to be fun.

Tonight, stop by the store and pick up her favorite dessert. Just because. Put the kids to bed a little early, and watch a favorite show or movie together. Or play Yahtzee.......

Give her a foot massage. Offer to help with the dishes. Tomorrow morning you could set out her favorite mug with a note underneath it saying "Have a good day"...,.TM her and let her know you are thinking of her.....do the little things that should have been dine before but got lost in way of life......

Now, as Dee said, get that number blocked. Call the phone company today and do it. This is vital. Also, see if she is willing to write a NC letter to him.......

Be her hero!!!!!

Not2fun

PH,

Been a couple of days since we've heard from you...

Wazup?

Right now, I am just doing what I can to spend time with her. She has been quite emotional, which was to be expected.

We haven't discussed the situation hardly at all, if it comes up, she is the one that brings it up and I don't comment very much.

I know her love language is touch so when I get a chance, I give her a neck massage, a gentle touch as we pass or a hug when I can. Neither of us has said "I Love You" yet at bedtime or on the phone like we used to but I hope that comes soon, I need to hear it. We rented a movie last night after the kids were down and she did seem to lighten up.

I am meeting her for lunch today and I have asked her to think about us going out for dinner and a movie this weekend, something we haven't done in over a year. She did sound interested in the prospect. I plan to keep it light.

I don't want to rush anything but I don't want to miss any opportunities either. How am I doing? Any tips from the veterans?

PH,

Sounds like you are doing HANDSOMELY!!

No R talk, unless she wants to...check.

Casual neck messages and hugs.....check.

Keeping it light....check.

Going out to dinner and a movie..........check.

Why not tell her you love her when you say goodnight or hang up the phone??? You do love her, correct??

I don't think this would be relationship talk. I don't think it would hurt.

No need to rush, or push, or gush or nash your teeth. Keep it light. Be her loving refuge and her rock.

Smile alot.

Good job.

kirk

We talked about watching the same movie again tonight (she obviously liked it), it things go as well tonight, I may lay an "I Love You" on her at bed time and see what happens.

Her withdrawal is tough, and I do love her, very much, but she has admitted that circumstances caused the breakup, not a loss of feelings for the OM, so that takes time to heal.

I am just going to be what she needs me to be right now and slowly work myself back in as the man of her life, doing the things that I know she is attracted to, such being a fun-loving Dad to my kids, being happy and upbeat; and listening intently when she talks. I love the prospect of "courting" her again.

I do think we need to see a counselor, perhaps she needs to see one sooner to help her through the WD. And the issues we were facing that allowed her to enter this affair must be addressed before we can get to far along. Is it time to bring that up?

If you do say, remember....NO EXPECTATIONS. Say because you WANT her to know your feelings, not because you are expecting her to say it in return. Yes, it will hurt if she doesn't, but know in your heart of hearts that she is not your W right now. She is still a very foggy wayward....


This is so very true. Hurts like madness, but it is true. It doesn't mean that her fellings for you cannot return though......and as her feelings for OM fades, she will become more receptive to you....


This is a GREAT attitude to have. It will get you far in the next coming weeks...Figure out what her top EN'S are and do something EVERY day to fulfill them somehow....


Can you swing some counseling with the Harley's? I know they are steep but worth every penny. With other counselor's, you may not know what you end up with, which may end up being wasted $. I would bring this up ASAP. Maybe sometime this weekend. Tell her how you love her, how you want to have a great marriage and future with her and that you two need help in dealing with this pain. You don't want to do this full of LB'S, but with a gentleness and love.

Now......are you sure NC is being maintained?? I hope you are still watching that phone bill. Have you blocked that number yet??? Your wife is at her most vunerable right now. One slip up in contact, and you will be starting right back at square one....

The date night is LONG over due......make sure it happens....


your doing wonderful......

not2fun