|
|
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 604 |
Page one third paragragh, whenI reread it it still tells me she is married to other man now!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe you need to read beyond the first page: Re: 9 year relationsship, WW married OM after 1 we Update: I went down to the county records office at the behest of her sister and it looks like they're not legally married. According to her sister it was a 2am "ceremony" kind of thing. However he is. The divorce isn't final yet and he has kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
Um, no. No she isn't married legally and he is, so I am not an OM. Also, I'm in Plan B at this point so I'm hardly stalking her. As stated earlier even if she did want to come back I would have to take a long hard look. These marriage fetishist are getting old.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
>marriage fetishist
ROTFLMAOPIMP!
Meh.
Protect yourself from her crazy - maybe you weren't drama enough for her so she went out and made some? Cos all this drama is on HER!
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
Nexus- I was not apart for very long--a week or so at the most. Although I did have a "false recovery" where I vascillated on my choice.
I'm pretty good at taking mental inventory, and the situation that looked so good at one time was not as awesome when more closely scruitinized. Plus, I was aware of the heady stuff that is a fresh love, new relationship. I knew that the heart flutter feeling was fleeting, and I had to think about where I wanted to be ten years from then, when the newness was a distant memory.
Lots of girls grow up thinking they'll find prince charming and live happily ever after. I knew that wasn't the case (at least for most of us).
So yeah, your girlfriend has to look around, see what was lost, what is being thrown away, and decide if the new relationship TRULY has the potential to be better.
BTW, I didn't even know it at the time, but I was EXTREMELY angry that we hadn't married sooner. I saw his lack of a proposal as a lack of respect and commitment, even though we shared so much. The legal part was important, at least subconsciously. Especially painful when we ever attended friends' weddings. Thanks for the info imanotherone. Unfortunately I don't think she has such a clear head as you (getting "married" after 2 weeks is just totally crazy). As far as I can tell she really doesn't understand the infatuation period of the new relationship and really let her anger and resentment carry her along. Well I guess time will tell. Everyone I've talked to thinks about 2-3 months from now will be the turning point if there is one. I'm just taking it one day at a time at this point and trying not to let my anger at her lies take over.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Dude, your fuzzy logic is showing through. One does not have to be an "absolutist" [whatever that may be] or have been "betrayed" to have the logic to discern the difference between dating and marriage. MrsW's 9 year old could do that. Common sense and a modicum of logic is all that is required.
We all know he is hurting, but pretending that this is a marriage does not help him resolve his problems. Attacking board members who know the difference does not help him. Nor does it help him avoid making the same mistake again in the future. You might want to take that up with the Supreme Court whom VALIDATED common law marriages long ago. COMMON LAW IS COMMON SENSE, but on here, sometimes, common sense isn't so common because of BETRAYAL. It is a symptom. I'm sorry you don't recognize court cases dating back 100 years. Dude, my state (Ohio) stopped recognizing common-law years ago.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 113
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 113 |
Nexus, I dont know if you have stated or not in your thread but does your ex girlfriend know that she is not legally married,and that her want to be husband is, just not to her?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
Nexus, I dont know if you have stated or not in your thread but does your ex girlfriend know that she is not legally married,and that her want to be husband is, just not to her? I don't know, she hasn't spoken with me since I learned of her "marriage". She knows about his kids etc, so I would assume she knows his situation. I sort of wonder if in some way she knows the 2 week, 2am "wedding" was crazy and doesn't want to make it legal yet. I would guess if she and this guy make a go of it for awhile they will have a real wedding later after his divorce is final. However as we know from Harley and others the odds of this relationship succeeding are pretty slim. Her sister told me that she couldn't even stand talking to the guy on the phone because he was so annoying. My feeling is deep down this whole thing isn't really about the OM, but more about her victim thinking and running away from life's responsibilities in general.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 602
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 602 |
Nexus, I dont know if you have stated or not in your thread but does your ex girlfriend know that she is not legally married,and that her want to be husband is, just not to her? I don't know, she hasn't spoken with me since I learned of her "marriage". She knows about his kids etc, so I would assume she knows his situation. I sort of wonder if in some way she knows the 2 week, 2am "wedding" was crazy and doesn't want to make it legal yet. I would guess if she and this guy make a go of it for awhile they will have a real wedding later after his divorce is final. However as we know from Harley and others the odds of this relationship succeeding are pretty slim. Her sister told me that she couldn't even stand talking to the guy on the phone because he was so annoying. My feeling is deep down this whole thing isn't really about the OM, but more about her victim thinking and running away from life's responsibilities in general. Have the guy arrested for Bigamy. 
Me BH 49 WXW 50
Married 1998
DS 2002
DD 2005
D Day 1 7/28/08
D Day 2 8/19/08
Divorce Final 3/19/2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
> My feeling is deep down this whole thing isn't really about the OM, but more about her victim thinking and running away from life's responsibilities in general.
I think that's spot on.
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
> My feeling is deep down this whole thing isn't really about the OM, but more about her victim thinking and running away from life's responsibilities in general.
I think that's spot on. I completely agree. I think a lot of A's are about this. Mine certainly was, most specifically the running away from life's responsibilities part. The OM had very little to do with it. Luckily, I figured out in time that running away doesn't work. Hopefully, nexus, your gf will figure it out too.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
> My feeling is deep down this whole thing isn't really about the OM, but more about her victim thinking and running away from life's responsibilities in general.
I think that's spot on. I completely agree. I think a lot of A's are about this. Mine certainly was, most specifically the running away from life's responsibilities part. The OM had very little to do with it. Luckily, I figured out in time that running away doesn't work. Hopefully, nexus, your gf will figure it out too. Unfortunately I think her irresponsibility was part of my attraction to her and I let her attitude toward responsibility rub off on me. I've got a lot of her mess to clean up and need to remember to take care of myself. So much of my energy over the last 9 years went to shielding her from consequences. If Plan B does work I need to be in a strong place not to just go back into the same mess if she hasn't changed. The first week of Plan B is so, so hard though. I so just want to pickup the phone. Any tips on staying strong?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Fascinating !
So much of my energy over the last 9 years went to shielding her from consequences.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I so just want to pickup the phone. Any tips on staying strong? Calling her is YOU positioning yourself as a shield between her and her consequences (again) . Are you becoming aware of how you functioned in this 9 year relationship? Were you raised in a Alcoholic home by any chance?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
I so just want to pickup the phone. Any tips on staying strong? Calling her is YOU positioning yourself as a shield between her and her consequences (again) . Are you becoming aware of how you functioned in this 9 year relationship? Were you raised in a Alcoholic home by any chance? Good observation, your right about calling her just letting her off the hook again. Yes, I'm becoming aware that this was a enabling relationship. What did change recently was that I expected her to be responsible for contributing financially rather than just indulging her schemes. I think that was the biggest reason she left, she felt that I was being "oppressive". No, I wasn't raised in an Alcoholic home by any stretch of the imagination, but I have always attracted the type that wants to be taken care of for some reason. Maybe it's low self esteem on my part or my dislike of dating.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
Update to the craziness:
Well after implementing plan B for 2 weeks I went soft and contacted her after she sent me an email about some trivial business matter. I was sick in bed, alone and lost my resolve.
Anyway, she played the text message game again, but finally agreed to talk on the phone. I am kind of at the point I just want to say goodbye and be done with it. Well she blew off two times for a phone call, saying via email that she just couldn't talk to me, it was too hard.
She texted the other day about calling, saying that the thought of talking to me just hurts so, so much and she doesn't know why! Yet the thought of no contact hurts even more. Argg ... she totally hasn't even thought through what she's done and how she feels about me yet.
The topper was today when I Googled the OM's name and a mug shot comes up where he was arrested for DUI yesterday at 11 am! Real winner she picked there. I promptly informed her family. Anyway, maybe back to Plan B again and wait for this alcoholic mess to fall apart on it's own? I don't know part of me doesn't want her back anymore.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
She said she would call last night and didn't. I called her and left a message then she turned off her phone. I can't tell if she's really having trouble dealing with her emotions or she's just playing games. If she's really have such pain at the mere thought of me then she must be having terrible cognitive dissonance. If that's the case I can't imagine her "marriage" to this creep is going to last much longer.
Anyway, I sent her another Plan B letter and deleted all her contact info from my email and phone. I can't let this "I'll call you crap continue".
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245 |
You need to proceed with the Plan B. For your sake.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 42 |
You need to proceed with the Plan B. For your sake. Agreed. However are you saying so I can detach and move on, or just so I don't go insane?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888 |
You need to proceed with the Plan B. For your sake. Agreed. However are you saying so I can detach and move on, or just so I don't go insane? Yes.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
783
guests, and
56
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
