I'm the adult daughter. I'm married with a wonderful son and one on the way. 2 years ago my mom learned that my dad was unfaithful for maybe a year. They have been married for 30 years and it appeared to be one of the strongest marriages. My mom was very proud of my dad and of their marriage. i think to some extent she thought he hung the moon. she would gladly tell anyone in earshot how wonderful he was. i envied the marriage and wanted something that strong for myself. the revelation has completely changed mom. she's no longer strong or confident. she couldn't see her life w/out dad so she wants to forgive him, but neither are willing to seek professional help. he's sticking around but not because he wants to and she has resorted to drinking...a lot. b/c she's too proud to tell anyone else, i'm the only one she has to talk to. so when she's drunk, she'll drive off from the house, call me and tell me she loves me and good-by then she says that she's going to end it (her life). I've never felt so helpless and terrified in my entire life. it's been over 18months since she found out, but everyday is a battle. I don't understand what she's going through, but i'm afraid that she's not healing. i want to help her, but i don't know how. i've convinced them to go see someone, but they went once. she stopped drinking for 2 weeks to prove she could, but went back. he acts like he's done everything to help, but really he's taken no big attempt. i believe in god and the power of prayer. i know he'll take care of everything. i just wish i could ease the pain for everyone until that happens. i never want anyone to know what it's like to have a parent tell them they are going to end it...growing up, i was so close to my mom. she's always been the strong one and now i don't know what to do. thank you for any advice you can give.

daughter,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know that your mother doesn't really want to end her life; she just wants to end the pain.

She needs to see a doctor right now, not a counselor. You could, right now, take her to your nearest emergency room. Tell them she is suffering from severe depression and has talked of suicide and TELL THEM WHY.

They will see her right away. They can give her a prescription for anti-depressants and even though those take time to work, they can also give her a prescription for something like Ativan. This is an anxiety-relieving medication that works in about 15 minutes. Your mother needs something to kill the pain - something other than alcohol - and then you can see about getting her some psychological help to get through the rest of this.

Once she is past this crisis, maybe she would come here and post her story. For right now, get her to an emergency room *tonight*. They will help her.

Let us know how it's going. She is blessed to have a wonderful caring daughter like you.
Mulan

Has your dad ended the affair? Has he ended all contact with the OW? Did your dad answer all her questions truthfully?

Do you know who the OW is?

thanks for responding so quickly.
Mulan, unfortunately i won't be taking her anywhere. she doesn't live that close and she refuses to be on medication. she says she doesn't want to feel numb. in the beginning she got some anti-anxiety meds, but the stupid doctor, who didn't know what was going on, said "this is nothing more than drinking a glass of wine; it'll just take the edge off." she took that advice to heart. only the wine doesn't work fast enough, so now's she turning up bottles of whiskey.

she also very violent when she drinks. i don't even know if it would be possible to get her to a hospital.

she doesn't want to see a psychologist b/c she feels like she has to relive the whole thing to let them know what's going on.

ML, dad said he ended it and that he's not had any contact at all. he worked out of state, so it's not like he would run into her and he's now back home.


My biggest hurdle is that i don't know how she feels or what she's thinking. i can't relate so she dismisses my advice. i've thought about calling the cops when she's drinking and driving hoping that "knock some sense in to her", but i know that that's not what she needs. i just don't know how to convince her to get what she needs.

oh another note, my dad has taken a lot of verbal and physical abuse over the last year due to the drinking. so while he didn't think they could reconcile, the was willing to give it a shot, but i can understand how he's having a hard time getting close to her again. not that it's her fault.

I refused to be on medication for a long time, too. I did not drink, but finally I agreed to antidepressants because I just could not handle the pain of XWH's cheating, lies and neglect.

The antidepressants did not make me feel numb. They just killed the emotional pain so that I could function. If you break your foot, you take ibuprofen. If you break your heart, you take an antidepressant. I am no longer on them, but they did allow me to function with much less suffering.

If she is drinking and driving, or becomes violent, you must call 9-1-1 and tell them what is going on. The police will take care of getting her to the hospital. She cannot be allowed to drink and drive. Better to let her get arrested than to let her get killed, and/or kill someone else.

Tell her that she needs to find a way to function and that the doctors can help her do that. If she refuses, she WILL find the police after her the next time she drinks and drives or becomes violent.

Let the system help you. You cannot do this alone. The police and paramedics deal with this sort of thing every day. They will know what to do. If your mother refuses to go to the emergency room, then you will have to bring the emergency room to her.
Mulan

So you want to know what your mom is feeling?

Dr. H says that the depth of trauma from infidelity is to the same degree as a rape or the death of a child.

Hard to believe when you haven't lived it. Before my husband's affair, I would never have considered it THAT traumatic.

It is.

Your mother has suffered a massive blow. Her world has crumbled down around her. Everything she's known, everything she's believed, has been ripped from her.

What has your father done since D-day (the day your mom discovered the affair) to help your mom feel safe in the marriage again?

My guess is nothing.

And that is why your mom cannot pick up the pieces.

You said you are afraid she is not healing. Of course she is not healing. Healing doesn't just magically happen. Your father has great power in helping her heal.

But if he doesn't DO anything to help her, and she stays in this marriage, she will never find healing.

Mulan is right.

She doesn't want to end her life.

She NEEDS the pain to STOP.

What your mom is doing to you is not right.

Getting drunk, calling you and saying "goodbye", is cruel and you need to be honest with her (when she is sober) about how this makes you feel.

Did your mom drink before the affair?

And yes, if she drives drunk, call the police.

Otherwise, she could very well live the rest of her life knowing her drunkeness killed someone...took someone's parent or child away.

i'm afraid that if i do call the cops, it'll make things worse. what if she doesn't call me next time b/c she feels betrayed by me? i don't really know if it'll matter. she's so incoherent at the time. will she really end it? i know of a man that got drunk and shot himself. although i think it was his plan. i would like to think my mom gets drunk first, but i really don't know. when she's sober, she's said she'll never to it, but i know people are not rational when they drink.

what did it for you? what got you through? who said the right things? i try all the time to get her on meds. i know people on them and they all say they don't feel numb. who can prescribe anti-depressants? (she said she's taken an online quiz and she's not depressed). can a regular Dr. do it or does it have to come from a psychologist? other than the emergency room, do i have any power to get her a prescription?

What could be worse than knowing your drunken actions caused the death of someone else...or an entire family.

You are enabling your mom to drink and drive.

Is that really what you want to do?

Just tell her, "Mom, daughters love moms enough to not let them drink and drive."

Can you talk her into posting here?

she probably had 2 drinks/year before D-day.

i know i've painted a rough picture of her now, but she used to be happy and funny and confident. she was everyone's favorite; daughter, aunt, sister. she was also very proud and a little arrogant. she was at church every sunday and even taught sunday school until sometime after D-day. she still comes most sundays, but i think it's just to keep up the rouse so no one else knows what's going on. i do like to think it helps. for months after D-day the sermons were about getting through a rough time and not putting more weight on the bad times and forgetting all of the good times. she told me one time that while she was working on a sunday school lesson she could see herself as one of the multitude "robed in white array". She says it helps her get through this. but then the bottle comes out and you wouldn't know she's ever attended church.

any suggestions on what to say to her to convince her that medication will help and is much better than alcohol?

i've sent her the link before. i told her i thought it would help to talk to other people who are going through it. as far as i know she's still not posted.

Based on this:




I would sit her down, when she is sober, and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. But first, read here and learn all you can about what she has and is enduring.

Learn how people recover their marriages and eventually their joy.

And learn quickly because you don't have time to waste. She needs your intervention now.

Sit her down and tell her that you cannot support her in the careless way she is presently living. Make it clear to her that she is endangering OTHER PEOPLE'S lives (because right now, she's not too concerned about her own) when she drinks and drives. Tell her you cannot bear the drunken goodbye's any longer and you are determined to help her stop.

Tell her you know infidelity is an immense trauma to the betrayed spouse.

Ask her if she will seek help. And make it clear that you will no longer enable her dangerous behavior.

Since she has kept this a secret IRL, an online forum might be a "safe" place for her to begin to get help.

Could you approach it from that angle with her. Play up the "anonymous" aspect of being on MB.

What if she doesn't call you next time because she's dead from drinking and driving?

I don't mean to be harsh, but we see this sort of thing often here - we see folks who are more afraid of somebody being mad at them than they are of letting far worse things happen.

Call the cops. If she's mad, she's mad. She can and will get over it if she's alive. She can't get over it if she's dead.

Courage, grasshopper.
Mulan

i've had the heart to heart. sometimes she listens. sometimes she gets up and leaves. and sometimes she turns it around on me. if i say, it really hurts me when you say that and i'm concerned for your life and the life of others, which i've said before, she'll say, "you're right, i won't call you anymore when i'm drinking." she genuinely feels bad for bringing me into this and for calling me when she's drunk, but until she believes there is another way, she'll continue to do it. i know she fights it. she'll call me and tell me how hard it is not to drink. i know that means she really has a problem. her answer to that was to not drink for 2 weeks. it was a calm 2 wks, but it was just 2 wks.

Daughter: You have many excuses as to why your mother will not do this or do that. You must understand one thing: Your mother is not in a place where she can do anything to help herself. That is why someone else is going to have to bring the emergency room to her, by calling 9-1-1 the very next time she is drinking and/or violent.

If you are going to wait until she decides to do something positive on her own, you are going to be waiting forever. She is not in a place where she can do that. That's the whole point. She needs outside help but she will never, ever ask for it herself. She is too far gone for that.

Again: Call 9-1-1 and let them help both of you. Your mother cannot and will not help herself right now. That leaves you. All you have to do is call.
Mulan