Dealan-de: All I know is that, while I was growing up, I had a lot of questions about who I was and where I came from, and very few answers. Maybe it does have something to do with the fact that it was just me and my mom and I didn't have a very stable family life. But I wondered about it a lot, and think those unanswered questions shaped the person I became. Maybe, my DD won't have those issues, because she will have a mom and a dad and brothers/sisters who love her. I don't know what her questions will be. I just want to have answers if she does want to know.

And, since the only contact info I have for OM is an email address (and those are pretty transitory) getting in touch with him after many years of NC might be pretty difficult. When my ODD decided she wanted to meet her bio dad (the boys didn't really care) it took years for her to finally find him. Actually, she never did find him, he found her. He'd been living outside the country, so was extremely difficult to track down. I saw what she went through and I was hoping to avoid that for my OC if possible.

And, it's not like I'm focusing all of my energy on getting in contact with OM and trying to pry this info from his cold/dead hands. It's really taking up a very small portion of my time and attention. Yes, I would like the info, but I'm not going to obsess over it.

Will you be changing your signature NC information from 9/1/09 to say 11/13/09?

armymama: No.

"6yearsleft: Wow. I have no idea where you might have gotten the impression that I would be proud of causing my H pain. Nothing could be further from the truth. If I could take back any of the pain that I caused my H, I would do so in a heartbeat, but I cannot."

I am against abortion. Not against your decision to keep the OC. Though with you willing to take some things back I will ask. Would you if you could undo the pregnancy. Turn back the clock. Used protection.

Would you?

Would your BH?

Well, if I could turn back the clock and undo things, I wouldn't just use protection, I would undo the entire affair.

That being said, it isn't a question with one easy or right answer. Yes, I would definitely have not had an A if I had it to do over again. However, I really can't imagine my life without our baby. My H has said the same thing. I wouldn't wish her out of our lives for anything.

It seems like a contradiction, I know. But, I think we have just reached the point where we are able to separate her from the A. She is just our baby. We love her and appreciate her and celebrate her existence in her own right, as a separate and distinct individual. When we look at her now, we don't see how she got here. We just see this little person who is a part of our family.

"That being said, it isn't a question with one easy or right answer."

There is no right answer. Things can not be undone. The only anwser is the one that you and your family can live with.

Has your BH gone to the internet for help on the PA?

The Road: What do you mean has my H gone to the internet for help? What kind of help?

The way you are dealing with being a WW and OC. Your BH can be doing or could of done what you are doing on MB.

My H is on MB too, he just doesn't post much. He's read a lot of the site though. He isn't big on discussion forums, but he did post a few times before the crash. He registered again, but I don't think he's posted anything since the site went down.

Greetings Writer1,I have a few questions for you. I do not ask these with the intintion of angering you, but they may.
Why?

If this child is your husbands in every way except for conception, then why would she need or want such info? She already has sisters, aint's, uncles, grandparents, and ancestory information. It is highly doubtfull the medical records of your OC's genetic donor will ever be needed.

So why stay in contact with you Adoultry partner to try and secure these things?

Are you doing it for your child, or are you projecting your own needs from your childhood onto you child?

You where conseived by a man othere then your moms husband, while she was married, or vice-versa? In otherwords, you are the product of an affair?

Is this correct?


Me neither.

Why?

So? Why do you need OM's bloodtype?

Small price to pay to keep NC in place after an affair.

Sounds like a real winner.
Think about this, do you really want this POS to have any influence on your child?


Then stop creating it unnecassaraly

The only answer you really need to provide is that you had an adoulterouse affair with a man wile married to her Dad, she was a product of that affair, and that her Dad loved you and her so much that he decided to stay married to you and raise her as his own. Then you need to appoligise to her for your affair, explain that it was wrong, and that you are sorry to her and your husband. And beg her to please not repeat the cycle that your mother started, and you continued.

Then, if she wants it, give her a name.

Funny, I never had to ask my dad for basic questions about my self. I just figured what little I needed to know out on my own.

Ding, Ding, Ding

We have a winner!!!

You are projecting YOUR wants onto your child.

Stop doing that.
Your OC\DD will be lucky enough to have a Dad, and a better one than you scummy OM could ever be.




I say these things, and ask these questions as a man who is raising an OC as my own, and whos FWW is also an OC.

Gack1: I'll try to answer your questions, though the formatting seems a little messed up and I'm having trouble discerning the questions from the quotes.

I want the letter for my OC precisely because I do not intend to stay in contact with the OM and I do not really know what she will want to know and what she will not. The letter will provide her with answers if she does have questions without my having to contact OM later. Since all of my COM's know about the A and the OM, my H and I are planning on telling OC when she is old enough to understand. This will probably be long before she turns 18, since I don't want her to accidentally discover the truth in a slipped bit of conversation. I wouldn't be comfortable with OC contacting OM directly though until she is an adult, so the letter would be a way for her to get answers without having to break NC with OM. If she doesn't want to know or doesn't have any questions, then she doesn't have to read the letter. I just want the info available for her if she wants it. If she wants to find OM after she turns 18, then that is entirely up to her.

Yes, I am an OC. No, my mother wasn't married. My father was. My mother was the OW. My mother never married and never had any more children.

I have 3 older kids from a previous relationship that my H also raised from a very young age. My DD (now 18) was very curious about her bio-dad, whom she hadn't seen since she was 3. She decided to search for him and meet him. The boys eventually met him too, though they weren't nearly as interested. It took her over two years to finally locate him. She had a lot of questions that I didn't have the answers to.

So, I am going off of my own experience, and the experience of my older kids as well. My OC may be curious and she may not. I just want the info available to her if she wants it. This is her life and I believe she has a right to know everything about herself if she so desires. Others may have a different opinion. To each his own.

Re read it, then edit your post accordingly.

It posted before I was done with it for some reason, so I had to finish editing it after it posted.

I think I answered many of these questions the first time, but for the ones I missed.

Medical Info: When was the last time you went to the doctor and didn't have to fill out a form detailing illnesses/conditions that run in your family? Because I've had to do this every time I see a new doctor. I've only been able to answer for my mom's side of the family, so I've always had to give my doctors incomplete information. I think it would be nice if my OC could have all of the info. Even when children are adopted I think they try to make it a high priority to include as much of a medical history for the biological parents as possible. I don't see how anyone could argue that this isn't important.

Nationality: I've always been curious. Don't know why, I just have. I guess everyone's different, but it's something I've always wanted to know.

Blood type: I don't need it now, but the doctor asked for it early in my pregnancy because I was Rh negative, so I said I would try to find out. OM said he would get me the info, but never did. So, I got the shots, as a precaution.

Were you an OC? You say your FWW was, but you don't mention what your relationship was with your father. You say you never asked your dad about basic questions about yourself and that you just figured out what you needed to do on your own. That's easy to do when you grow up knowing your father. I pretty much did the same thing with my mom. I knew things about her because she raised me. However, I knew almost nothing about my father. I've never even had a conversation with him alone. How exactly would I figure out anything about him?

We can argue this all we want. There is no one right answer. I've gotten both ends of the spectrum on here. There are people like you who don't think my OC needs any info at all about the OM. There are people who think she should know OM and his daughters and that I should fight for CS, get a DNA test, etc. There are people everywhere in between. What it really boils down to is what me and my DH are comfortable doing. We have discussed the situation at length, and all of the decisions that we have come to have been made together. My H thinks it's important for her to have access to this info if she wants it and so do I. You and your FWW may have made different decisions. That's fine. Whatever works for you. But that doesn't make your way right and my way wrong. They are just different.

>I think it would be ****nice**** if my OC could have all of the info.

In this situation, we don't always get what we deem would be nice.

Period.

Infact, a lot of the time we get the opposite.

I've got a whole lot more of "nice" than most in my situation.

You do, too, imo.

Thank God.

Dealan-de: I'm going to get what I can get. OM said he would send the info in the mail, so we'll wait and see.

I will never stop being thankful for what I do have.

"My DD (now 18) was very curious about her bio-dad, whom she hadn't seen since she was 3. She decided to search for him and meet him. The boys eventually met him too, though they weren't nearly as interested. It took her over two years to finally locate him."

So what has this contact with the bio dad led to with your DD and DS's?

The Road: Nothing good, I'm afraid. My DD definitely regrets the decision to search for him now. None of them really want anything to do with him. He hasn't changed, which doesn't surprise me. Of course, I warned them about all of this when my DD decided to start looking, but at this point, they are old enough to make their own decisions.

>I will never stop being thankful for what I do have.

GOOD!

THAT is a very important thing.

(((Writer)))

It still doesn't sit well with me that your OM's wife and children don't know that he fathered another child. Those kids are half-sibs.
You seem more interested in maintaining contact with OM than with OM's children, who are blood relatives of your OC.
But it seems as if you are being blackmailed into silence.

Ima,

As a mother to COM who have OC siblings, it is the PARENT'S choice to tell the kids, not Writer's.

Writer doesn't have a dog in that particular race.

That the xBW does not know about OC is reprehensible, but it's the POSMM's onus, not Writer's.

If someone told MY kids about OCs besides me or my husband there would be holy h-e-double-hockey-sticks to pay - and we are talking EONS of h-e-double-hockey-sticks!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT is pert near unforgivable.

When the kids are adults, different story. But these are CHILDREN.