I wish I had that kind of time, but I have a sick baby, a novel to finish writing, and a pretty dirty house.

Can we just agree to disagree and move on?

Thats why I said common, as in off the top of your head.

See what I mean

Sure

Gack: Most days, I'm doing good to just remember the names of all of my kids off the top of my head. I know it's a bad a day when I start calling one of them by the dog's name.

"That the xBW does not know about OC is reprehensible, but it's the POSMM's onus"

I disagree. It has been stated many times on MB threads that the OMW deserves to know the truth.

It's reprehensible that W1 and her BH do not expose OMW.

Again, the OMW knew about the A. By the time I got pregnant with our OC, their D was only 1 month away from being final. They hadn't been living together for 6 months.

And I thought exposure was a tool for ending A's. Our A is over, so how does exposure apply in this case? OM has been D'd for almost 2 years and is engaged to someone else now. I don't think the typical Harley definition of exposure is applicable here.

My husband was raised as single child with the knowledge that there was another child who was 6 years older than him from a previous marriage of his father's. Imagine yourself in his shoes at 40 years old recieving a packet of family mementos from your deceased father's brother. In that packet you discover info on your sister and her mom, plus lots of info on your parents. Imagine then discovering info that looks like your sister is not as old as they led you to believe, your whole life. Your half sister who was never in your life. Imagine being able to track down sister and have a few brief conversations confirming your suspicions. She too was misled and never knew the truth. I say imagine because it wasn't me but it did happen to my husband. His half sister was from his fathers first marriage, both children were less than 9 months apart. He's the OC, his mom the OW, and his dad was an XWH. The man is dead now, no one left to explain what really happened and his mom just won't admit to anything. But his deceased father left behind two broken families and a legacy of WS behaviour.

My WH has been unfaithful the whole time we've been married with multiple women, all admittedly unprotected sex. We have 4 bio and 1 shared from a previous relatonship. 15 years of unprotected sex with multiple women can mean there are possibly many OC's out there.

Personally I would want to know.

I get it that you will tell the OC the truth. That's respectable and I commend that! But I strongly feel that his now exwife needs to know as well.

> I'm doing good to just remember the names of all of my kids off the top of my head

That's no lie. Sometimes I have to run down the list till I hit the right name for the kid standing in front of me.

They think it's hi-lar-i-ous.

Turkeys.

Lying by commision.

Lying by omission.

Either way it is still lying.

The OMW still deserves to know the whole truth why her marriage went down.

Nothings helps healing as knowing what really happened.

Still protecting the OM.

Road: Tell it to the OM. I told him countless times that he needed to tell his ex-wife and kids about the OC. He refused.

"Road: Tell it to the OM."

I'm not telling the OM nothing. Or should you.

You need the OM to hold your hand while you expose him to his XBW?

Or did you need the OM's approval to expose?

The way he refused to do to the right thing so did you refuse also.

It has been suggested and recommended on MB that the OW should apologize to the BW.

Did you?

If you did, why did you not tell her about the OC?

I've always thought that exposure was a tool used by the BS to end the A. OM's XBW already knows about the A, and it has already ended. How would exposure apply in this case? What would be the point?

Road, have you been following GloveOil's thread over in Recovery? His BW just received an apology letter from the OW. There doesn't seem to be any consensus at all that these letters are a good idea or that they help the BS recover. GloveOil's BW is on the forum now, you could ask her yourself. It seemed, from what I was reading on GO's thread, that the vast majority of posters did not think it was a good idea to send these kinds of letters.

W1
I have read here for many years before I started posting. In that time it has been held that was not necessary that the BH exposed or the OW exposed herself. Just that it was necessary for one of them to expose the BW.

Whether the BW called and confronted the OW or the OW called.
The OW was to be considerate of the BW, apologize for being the 3rd perosn in the marriage, provide the truth to the BW.

To answer the BW questions truthfully, to tell the BW that you understand that this news has unsettled BW and that is she needed questions answered that the BW could call OW in the future to ask, that OW would gladly answer them.

Exposure is just not a tool to end affairs. It is a tool to bring the truth to all the parties involved. It is extremely difficult to get closure and heal without the truth.

You harmed this BW but have done nothing to help her.

After all you helped yourself to her husband.

You harmed your BH and are trying to help him heal. Your BH was not the only one you hurt.

I hope your OC breaks the cycle that you have placed her in. I read to many times where the WS was an OC themselves. Just the way their parents where a WS and had a OC (them), they now do the same as an adult themselves.

You have created an OC. Unfortunately OC always feel something is missing because of not growing up with there bio parents in one family. Even when the OC has a good man willing to be the OC dad, and siblings that accept her.

I guess there is always the feeling of what if I was rasied by bio parents, what if I had full siblings.

Just as an affair can not be undone these feelings remain because they can never be answered for or by the OC.

It's hard to get kids to follow do as I say not as I do.

You have your work cut out for you. For the OC as well as the COM. When a marriage gets hard, have an affair. Don't use protection, it's ok to stick your BS with raising someone else's child. It's OK to be used by the OP. It's OK to date and sleep those with low morals, as was your OM.

I hope you break the cycle of affairs and OC's in your family.

So do I.

This is so true.

Teach your OC and your other children the values and morals they will need to break this horrable cycle.

Okay, I will jump into this with my opinion and what I think is pertinent TO ME

My FWH exposed his A and OC to me. I don't EVER want to be C'ed by the OW for ANY reason. What happens in her life and to HER family is of no consequence to ME or to MY family. Blood is not thicker than water, and family is not made by genetics. Many here will disagree with me. My COM do not have a missing sibling in the OC. The OC is NOT a member of our family.

Writer's xMM's xBS is D'ed, she was aware of the A. Exposure is about ending the A. Now if she came to Writer and wanted to have questions answered to help her know the truth, then Writer should try to comply. But Writer already damaged her life, she is fully aware of it and is moving on with her life. Will knowledge of OC help her? It wouldn't help me, just reinforce what a POS he was, and make me thankful that I already have the D (so that OC can't come along and harm COM any further) and the CS in place so that I can still provide for COM. OC is now XH's problem. Good bye and good riddance. Why cause her further trauma? let her move on with her life and heal. Knowing the OC exists will just cause the D'ed BS to be looking over her shoulder for the next 20 years, wondering when OW and OC are going to come knocking on her door, causing more trouble to her family once again.
FTS

fled
"I don't EVER want to be C'ed by the OW for ANY reason."

Some BS's do some don't. Some want an apology some don't.

"What happens in her life and to HER family is of no consequence to ME or to MY family."

What happens wneh the OC come's looking for their dad 18 years from now?

Your WH has left a land mine that may be stept on someday.

"family is not made by genetics. Many here will disagree with me."

Then why do OC and adopted kids look for their bio parents?

"My COM do not have a missing sibling in the OC. The OC is NOT a member of our family."

The OC is not a full sibling, but half, there will always be a bio connection.

Why would a step sibling hate a step sibling?

Both are innocent.

As I said before, there are as many opinions on this matter as there are people on this forum. It would be impossible to please everyone. I can only do what I feel is right and what I think is best for my family. That's all any of us can do.

OM's XBW has moved on with her life. I think the best thing I can do for her is to stay out of it. An apology wouldn't change the fact that I destroyed her family. Nothing can change that. That is a guilt I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I think about her and her kids everyday and I truly hope they are happy, but I'm pretty sure that getting a letter from me apologizing about the A and telling them about the OC wouldn't accomplish that. It may seem that I am keeping quiet about the OC for selfish reasons, but I am not. I am trying to find the best solution to a situation that really has no good solution.

I hope that I can break this cycle too. I will do everything in my power. My A was wrong. I am doing everything I can to make my kids understand that. My mother never once admitted to me that she was wrong for sleeping with a married man and carrying on a 12-year A with him. We've never really talked about it. I don't know to this day if she feels any remorse for what she did. I don't want my kids to wonder if what I did was okay or not. I know it wasn't right. They know it wasn't right. My OC will know it wasn't right, when she's old enough to understand.

However, I refuse to wallow in the depths of self-loathing and self-hatred for the rest of my life. Yes, I made some very terrible mistakes. I will have to live with the consequences of those mistakes for the rest of my life. But the A is only a small part of who I am. I am not perfect and I am not proud of some of the things I have done in my life, but I have many good qualities and many good things to offer the world as well. I'm choosing to move forward and focus on those things now. I owe that to my BH, my COM's, my OC, and myself.

>I am trying to find the best solution to a situation that really has no good solution.

It is YOUR kobayashi maru test - you must make the choice that has the least nuclear fallout for everyone involved.

Can you believe I actually had to go and look that up? I've never seen Star Trek.

It's a good analogy though. There really is no win-win option in a situation like this. Someone gets hurt no matter which choice is made. Of course, the reality is, EVERYONE gets hurt to some degree no matter which choice is made.

To me, I think the path my BH and I have chosen involves the least amount of nuclear fallout. Perhaps it is only a delayed nuclear fallout, since my OC may want to find her bio dad and half-siblings someday, and then all of this would have to be dealt with at that time. But there's no way to know what she will and will not want to do when she is older. I can't base my decisions on an unknown that is many years in the future. Really, no one knows what the future holds. We can only do our best today and hope that it will be good enough.

Time to go and write. I'm starting to sound like an overblown Chinese fortune cookie.

I don't and I don't think that those who don't should have to suffer it, just in case the OP thinks they might have.

"What happens when the OC comes looking?"
All hell breaks lose is what happens. The selfishness of the OC to intrude into a family where they shouldn't be. Yes, it sucks for the OC, unfortunately maybe it sucked for an adopted child too. Me and my family are not responsible for the emotional well-being of the off-spring of every irresponsible person on earth. These are the consequences. Yes both of the parents should have thought about it and kept their respective pants on and honored their marriage vows. They didn't, and damage control to ALL of the innocents is more important than getting a few questions answered by someone who wasn't given enough in their life by their incompetent parent.

If OC comes knocking, then we will deal with it. In the meantime the best I can do is help my COM grow up self confident, moral, and strong. I pray that they will understand that I have dealt with the biggest of betrayals in the best manner in which I could and still survive to be here for them. Helping them grow and develop into the most awesome individuals they can become. If OC didn't get that from the OW who "Had to have a child by any means" that is her responsibility not mine and not my COM. Yes it sucks, but why continue to harm others just to get "what you need?"

Fled,

This is why it is so hard to post here some days. I understand it is very difficult for others to understand our POV. I can tell you honestly I wish I never knew about the OC. Yes, we have C. Yes, I am coming to love him for him but the pure selfishness that created him and the extreme lengths OW went to so her OC could have a full time dad have damaged me enough for a lifetime.