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My FWW had an interesting question tonight that I wanted to float by you:

How do both spouses participate securely and fairly in the MarriageBuilders forums when, in the interest of transparency, there is no computer in the house which is allowed to have any secrets?

A number of times I've broached ideas here for which I received some wonderful advice. But my original idea was so flawed that it would certainly have been a Love Buster had my FWW read it. Similarly, she wants to discuss situations to figure out how to do them the MarriageBuilders way. However, she doesn't want me to be Love Busted when she's still figuring out how to approach, for instance, a disrespectful judgment as a thoughtful request.

Can you share some ideas on how to do this while still maintaining full transparency with one another?


Doormat_No_More
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BB,

Flick and I just made a point of not ever looking at each others threads, and in my case, not looking at any spectre stuff that had the MB logo on it.

We no longer have any spy ware on the computer (my choice) and still dont look at each others threads unless invited. Even then, only the particular posts directed.


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
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BB,

It's as simple as agreeing to not look at each others threads.

And, agreeing that if you do peek, you will not bring up the discusssion at home with your spouse.

It is the responsibility of each of you to protect the other.







Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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"It's as simple as agreeing to not look at each others threads."

And, letting us know who your spouse's screen name here, and she does the same when she start's posting.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
"It's as simple as agreeing to not look at each others threads."

And, letting us know who your spouse's screen name here, and she does the same when she start's posting.

Exactly, my BS is also on here and we DID used to read each others threads but after realsising it wasnt a good thing and people wouldn't help as willingly knowing partner could read. We've simply agreed not to view each others threads and havent for a week or so now.

Good luck


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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I agree with the advice being given here, but wanted to emphasize - STRONGLY - that it applies to a marriage where the affair is known to be over. If the affair is not over and you bring your spouse here, you will lose this place as a resource because you will have completely forfeited your ability to end the affair by exposing your tactics.

And secondly, if your WS is still foggy, be prepared for other members to point that out. [sometimes not very delicately!] Bullcrap has a very short shelf life here and there are not many coddlers on this board.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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And that's coming from Mel, one of the coddliest" people here. She's a softie compared to most.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Originally Posted by SugarCane
And that's coming from Mel, one of the coddliest" people here. She's a softie compared to most.

grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Yeah, it's over but she's still a bit foggy. I don't know that I want to warn her about the fact people here don't humor wayward thinking in the least. Let her find that out on her own over time.


Doormat_No_More
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BB, if she came here and told us her affair was a "gift from God" like she told her friend, you know it would not be pretty. As long as you realize this, you should be fine.

p.s. if you want me to delete this post, just say the word.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Post deleted.


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SC: Uh, yeah. I can see why she wouldn't mention it, but I don't understand why he didn't say something earlier.


Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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@ SC And W

Please refer to my thread before spreading the news mad however innappropriate you may find it, WE obviously had our own individual reasons for what we did. Im not talking abouts hers but refer to my thread for my view before you make it your view/situation?!?


WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08

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SC really trying to get on here , if someone wants to know about my life they are welcome to read my thread / posts , i dont appreciate however moronic you may think i am that comments are expressed outside of my thread that give the wrong or incomplete impression.
Please be fair as i have been to you despite repeated hurtful remarks from youu (especially the one of you encouraging me to leave site very subtle but i got the hint). I do respect you and like you but I need help too and you putting posts like the above up are not going to be helpful.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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Writer1 the answer is because he knows me and he know what he did to me at the time thats why. He isnt the perfect husband either regardless of A. This is why we are in this mess. We are both far from perfect we dont want to be perfect we want to be a normal family where kids grow up to know love, respect and faithfulness.


BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months

Divorced

Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.

If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.

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BB,

My husband and I have both posted here, he more frequently in the early days of our finding this web site. We'd been following Harley's methods for six years before I started posting here.

There are a number of struggles you need to prepare your sweetheart for, if she decides to seek help here.

1. She won't get to publicly nurture a single fond thought about OM - or anger either - she gets to deal with HERSELF and about her own weaknesses and responsibilities for the affair.

2. She and you need to agree that you will not try to be "facilitators" to each other - meaning, you don't get to abuse her for lovebusting and she doesn't get to take your inventory about how you are not meeting her emotional needs. I have seen more often than not, the very language of Marriage Builders become a tool for disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. So be careful with each other as you learn a common language that could ultimately help you if you can get past this part.

3. The best work done here is individual, even when both parties are posting. Kasey and I succeeded because we'd been through other "therapies" which we had corrupted through such abuse. By the time we got to Marriage Builders we had grown up enough to POJA the focus on ourselves while here. That means I don't get to complain how he's not measuring up to meeting my emotional needs and he doesn't get to complain about me. Instead, our study and focus is more on helping ourselves improve our own sides of the marriage.

4. There are huge benefits to your wife posting here. For example. Some of us are members of her church, and reconnecting with those spiritual roots can have some huge benefits for her to strengthen her boundaries so that she never finds herself faced with an inappropriate choice.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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@KaylaAndy Thank you for your thoughtful, respectful, and on-topic reply. The question in your sig is awesome.


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
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