Thanks Queenie for those kind words. It means so much coming from someone who I would describe with those same words!

I didn't dress up this year for Halloween - the first year since Ladybugs was 2 that we didn't do a 'theme' or matching costumes. That's ok. At 9, Mom starts to be a bit embarassing in those situations!

Chai, sweetie I am sorry I didn't get in touch or make it by your place this week. :(Things got a little crazy with work and the time got away from me. Am hoping to be able to visit around the holidays when I have more time & am 'off' work.

Work is busy with 2 tough weeks of travel coming up. I hate being away from Ladybugs so much, but not much can be done about it. With schedule changes, we will have an entire week together so I'm trying to look on the positive side of things!

R & I had some serious discussions this weekend. The kind in which we are speaking specifics about our future together. I am sure of my love for him. For whatever reason, I am surprised by his love for me. I did not realize until this weekend the truth & depth of it.

Going down that path would not be easy. There are significant obstacles to overcome with resolving the issue of location, Ladybugs, family, etc. There's little doubt in my mind as to the reaction from Drac. I don't even want to get started on that subject right now.

Instead, I'm trying to take it one bridge crossing at a time. The first is a serious discussion of specific MB principles. We've discussed most of the basic principles in conversations, but I've not offically introduced him to MB. The time has arrived to cross that bridge. I am starting by giving him a copy of the Basic Concepts. I hope that he sees how much of it we have already discussed informally & how they mirror what we have already determined to be important parts of our relationship. If we make it across that bridge still being on the same page, then I'll worry about the next bridge. Honestly, I'm not really what I'd even call 'worried'. I think he already 'gets' it.



I hope to catch up on threads over the next couple of days, and no later than the weekend. Hope everyone is well!

Howdy doody, Bugsy.


I'm getting better at my reaction to most of the crapola WxH does or doesn't do, too. Mostly, it's just the thoughts of "what an arese he's being again", or "typical WxH behavior." I don't have the need to point it out to him or tell everyone what a jerk he is. We all know. And I have no control over it.

That's great that you and R can talk about it, have differing opinions, and each of you take into consideration what the other has said and modify behavior if it seems warranted. How darn grownup of you!

HRG never says what he thinks of my interactions with WxH. He knows I keep them very limited, strictly to DDs, and that I think WxH is an absolute [censored]. He knows I'm more of an avoider than a push over. If I have a differing attitude ("if", yeah, right)......from WxH, he knows I'll just avoid WxH to stay out of conflict, yet still have my way because essentially I do now control everything WxH wants from me.

That's not very grownup of me, but how I deal for the time being. I don't contact WxH at all, so whenever WxH contacts me, he needs something from me. Which gives me the power.

Flippity flip - take THAT, WxH.

I think HRG is a HUGE pushover with his WxW. I haven't addressed it for the most part because I don't feel it's my place to tell him how to deal with her. If he wants to give in, that's his choice. However, it does effect how I feel about him to a certain degree. I lose some respect anytime I hear a conversation between the two of them.

Early on, I asked him why he lets her treat him that way, that he doesn't have to let her scream and cuss and tell him what he should do. I think he shut that kind of behavior down, but she is still bossy as holy heck. And you know what I think of people demanding their way.......

If we were to ever get married or take our relationship further, this would have to be addressed. Because by her bossing him, she would be bossing me..........

Thanks for your thoughts, Bugs, it does help. Helps keeps my eyes open for things that need to be addressed when/if the relationship goes any further.

Fox

Oh, WOW, Bugs! That just warms me up. I am so happy for you.

You are so wise in how you are beginning this road to your future. Obstacles, yes. Barricades, no. We are all rooting for you.

Fox

Hey Ms Foxxy!

Good to hear from you!




Excellent, Cowgirl, that's a BIG realization!! Well, atleast it was for me & one that I've really done better with just recently. I have to admit to having to thank R for that. He really helped me see how MY reactions looked from the outside. I was, frankly, embarassed when I saw it through a different set of eyes!!

I think it was then that I was better able to also see my relationship with R more clearly. For the first time I was WILLING to see things differently. It's been a whole new world since then, and I'm happy to say a good one!



You go Girl!

Seriously, I understand this, too. Drac barely contacts, but when he does it is out of a 'need' that is usually quite ridiculous. This week he had requested we flip days for Ladybugs as he had "work" obligations.

Guess what? A big ol' lie. He took the week off & took the latest ho out of town for a concert.

Whatever. Spending $ he doesn't have & manipulating everyone to get what he wants. No real surprise there, now is it? As Chai so aptly put it, it's like dealing with a 17 year old. I'm just relieved it's no longer my 'problem'.

Well, it's not as if I'll get off scot free in that area. I WILL have to go thru DSS and Ladybugs going thru that phase of life, but I'm confident THEY will grow out of it!

As for my being 'wise' in this relationship, all I can say it that we are TRYING. He's agreed to read the MB stuff I gave him, and that's a good thing. I just gave it to him yesterday, so he hasn't had a chance to read anything yet.

However, as I said, we've informally had discussion around the Basic Concepts. He made me promise this last weekend that we would always be HONEST. Well, a stange situation put that to the test today. Without having read MB, he did VERY well. It centered around an internet situation and the VERY first thing he did was offer to give me his password.

I realize we are in the 'in love' phase right now. Beyond those obviously wonderful feelings, I am thrilled that he is willing to talk about what it takes to make it work beyond that & that much of it is coming naturally. It's not something he's done before & has talked very openly about his personal failures in his previous relationships,,,,and how he wants to do it better/right this time.

As with all things, time will tell. Expect future posts as I stuggle thru some Ladybugs issues. She's okay, but I see we have a lot to deal with in the future & I want VERY much to do it right. I'll be counting on all of you to help me out! Okay???

Need to try to get some sleep. Work's a b*tch & tomorrow promises to be a BIG one!

Have a great weekend, all!

Bugsy:

Glad things are moving along for you!

(((Bugsy)))

LG

Bugs,

I guess if there is one positive thing that comes out of this, it's that we now all know how to have a good relationship the next time around. This isn't the way all of us wanted to learn though.

You rock.

Hi Bugs!

Hey Bugs,

Just driving by to check on you. Let us know how you're doing...

Hi, Bugsy!

Oh, but I do. If and when things progress to the knot-tying point with R, will you promise to videotape Drac's reaction when you inform him? With some advance notice, I could probably make myself available to do the videotaping. I think watching his face would be more fun than whacking him in the crotch with a shovel.

Hey Guy Smiley! So GREAT to see you around this week!! Waiting for a real update from you,,,,,,,

Thanks for checking in, Chai!

Wish I had great stuff to post, but not so much this week. Work has been kicking my behind. Too much travel. Too much stress. Thought it was going to wind down this week with my annual presentation to the VP being completed & finally getting the contract for the biggest deal of my life.

VP presentation - Done - Succesful -

Contract - due Friday - worked to 6 last night - Have to wait til Monday -

Last weekend was a great birthday party for Ladybugs Sat & sleepover Sat night -

R came in last Friday night -
But was not himself & something was 'off'
Turns out he was thinking of ending things - that the long distance is getting too hard

We talked about it and there's no doubt that there is love between us
Sunday was WONDERFUL!!

We agreed to work on ways to fix the distance thing, and it included the possibility that he moves here. Of course, that means we need to find a job for him. I started checking on Monday & found a possibility right off that bat that looked like a great fit! We exchanged lots of text/calls until I left for business on Tues.

Then Tues night, he looked at my FB page & sees that my status says 'single'. I hadn't even looked at my profile since I put it up long ago. He was upset, and I can't blame him for it. I then made a HUGE mistake by changing it to say 'its' complicated'. It never occurred to me that such a status would exist, and I thought it was funny, based on the conversations we'd just had around the fact that our sitch IS complicated.

He took TOTAL offense to that. He thinks that it's a way to let everyone know I'm unhappy & perhaps available????????

While I can understand it may be mis-understood by the world in general, would you think that was what I was saying?? Please, be honest - - especially you guys.

Anyway, that combined with other things, now has him questioning if we should stay together.

It's SO strange. One minute he's flipping out about my FB status & saying that I'm 'unemotional' about us, the next he's saying how much he loves me, has never loved anyone like this, and if we were in the same town, he'd marry me tomorrow.

UGH!!

I know I'm leaving out a LOT of detail here, but honestly, I am TOO exhausted to go very far into it. I haven't slept a decent night's sleep in waaaay too long!

Today, am going out to re-organize my garage. Had to have the bug man treat out there, and it was already a mess from having the garage fixed & siding put on the house. The good thing is that I can then get out my winter/Christmas stuff and know where it all is!

I am hoping that I can physically exhaust myself enough today to sleep tonight!

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Bugsmom, sure sounds like there is something more underneath this whole FB uproar. Is he normally this sensitive? Is he thinking you have someone else in the wings?

Bugs,

I've been thinking about this and I agree that something just isn't adding up here. I agree with FF in that there is something more underneath this. It almost sounds like he is looking for a reason to break up with you, but I hope that isn't the case.

Man, reading about your sitch is exactly what scares me about getting into another relationship. UGH. This almost reminds me of being a teenager again.

I don't have any words of wisdom because I have not dated for, oh, about 40 years now. The only thing I can say is don't rush into anything. Remember, just as in affair, you are in the stage where those brain chemicals are going crazy so don't make any long term decision just yet.

HOw'd you sleep last night?

Hooray on your work accomplishments! Hooray on your mommy duties!



Why do they do this? Why do "they" so only one path? Why don't "they" have a discussion and find alternatives? Instead of deciding this doesn't work, why can't they say "lets do this differently?"

Ugh.


Well, there ya go. And I'm glad that he is willing to make some adjustments in his own life. Many times it feels like it is OUR responsiblity to uproot everything and everyone. I'm glad he is considering doing it himself.


I, too, have a FB page, but very very seldom update it. I don't think it's any big deal that your status was single on a page that you very seldom access. Your relationship is in real life - not on the internet.

No, I wouldn't think that is what you are saying you are available. My FB page says complicated. I have children, I was betrayed, ANY relationship outside of that is going to be complicated. In reality, ALL relationships are complicated to some degree.

Has he been cheated on? I see this as a little bit of insecurity and distrust.

If he hasn't been, maybe he doesn't realize that many BS' seem unemotional because it's pretty scary to risk that again when we have experienced the trauma of an affair. We feel, we just hide it well.

I don't really know what to think of it. Maybe he is confused. Loves you, but can't see the BIG picture? Loves you, but is unsastisfied with the relationship as the travel doesn't let either of you really fill the EN, but doesn't really know what to do to fix it so the easiest thing to do is end it?

I don't know.

Ask him.

How's the garage coming?

Fox

Bugsy, long distance is tough work to say the least. I know that I now find it very important to know that I am AZman's one and only. If I saw his FB page (which he doesn't have anymore) and it stated anything other than 'in a relationship' I would have something to say.

You two are living on the edge of a razor. He's considering moving there to be with you, his whole life changed. Try to understand the kind of pressure that puts on a person. It's huge. He needs strong words, strong love and strong commitment.

Yes, his REACTION was off, but for the right reasons. Long distance relationships can be crazy making. Reassure him that you are his one and only, that you will change the FB listing. Apologize for the shortsightedness. I know YOU thought it was cute and funny, but he didn't, and that's what you are dealing with. It's too little of an issue not to concede.

Just my $.03.

Hi Bugs,

Just stopping by to say hello and send you warm hugs and love.

Bugs

...a relationship, by it's very nature, is a rollercoaster ride....

...and Bugs, if you 'survived an affair' (one of the toughest rides ever) and have learned such things as: it helps to 'hold on to the arm bars', or 'make sure the security belt is on tight enough'....

I KNOW you can and will handle this.

Now, how can we help you realize that, too?

How about if you think of us all cheering each other on, lovingly nudging each other to walk our journey fearlessly, and yet watchful for possible hidden 'mines'(sharing and learning together how to identify and disactive them! ) ...

...and Bugs,

...although Fox has a point, and that the best way to get some clarity is to:



It sounds to me at this time he may not have the answer...and will need some HELP with 'unearthing' to see what's 'underneath' it all.... which is often surprisingly different from what one expects !

I had another thought, provoked by SL.

Maybe we're just thinkin' on it too much. One of the keys that Harley promotes is to never be the cause of our significant others unhappiness.

So.

Change it.

I'd explain why you had what you had and let him know your perception was different than his but you are more than willing to change it now that you understand where he is coming from.

You don't have to agree - you just understand and don't want to cause him unhappiness. KWIM??

Fox

Then, Foxy, we are on the same wavelength, because as I was typing i was thinking that Bugsy should NOT be the cause of pain for R. We may not agree on a subject, but we must try to change how we treat others when they are in pain. It is THEIR perception that matters in the moment. You can explain yourself later, just stop the hurtin first.