|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
If you want anyone to help you on this forum, you might want to lose the hostile attitude. Good luck on attracting help with an attitude like that. You have alienated ME with your posts, friend.
You don't seem to understand that we are all posters just like you. We donate our time here FREELY and most are not going to waste it on someone who is hostile, nasty and critical. You are not entitled to help that is freely DONATED by fellow posters.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
If you want anyone to help you on this forum, you might want to lose the hostile attitude. Good luck on attracting help with an attitude like that. You have alienated ME with your posts, friend.
You don't seem to understand that we are all posters just like you. We donate our time here FREELY and most are not going to waste it on someone who is hostile, nasty and critical. You are not entitled to help that is freely DONATED by fellow posters. Im at a loss here, im getting frustrated as to why you are being hostile towards my treatment of SC?? I expressed anger at the discussion of my thread, away from my thread. Thats all, but your making out like I publicly anhiliated her, riped her to shreads, s**t on her advice and spat her out??? When? How?? Im not a hostile person but your persecuting me for something I havent done?? Can you really not understand this?? In fact please gloss over my thread, you'll find I thanked her for all advice?? and the same goes for you???
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
@ SC And W Please refer to my thread before spreading the news  however innappropriate you may find it, WE obviously had our own individual reasons for what we did. Im not talking abouts hers but refer to my thread for my view before you make it your view/situation?!? Is this post really an attack on SC personally??
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
I have been grateful for all advice recieved here because I do understand that you all have your own lives. I even expressed to my W how do you have the time to be here everyday, but thats whats wonderful about the vets here, they care and wish to use their own painful experiences to help others. This is truly commendable and I for one am truly grateful for all the support and dont wish to lose anyone 
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,537 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,537 Likes: 9 |
Okay, y,
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment. She is being very supportive of me, but she is defending me when I do not deserve it.
I feel very embarrassed that TWO threads on this board, neither of which is mine, have become about me! This should stop now (please).
An apology is not an apology when it is qualified by "but". So without saying "but", I do just want to point out yllan that I did not write about you on the other thread to spread the news and invite others to see the freak show. I thought that since your thread was on a public board it was fair game to refer to it. I limited what I said to pointing out that the information had only just been given, which I think you must agree is factually correct. I did not "talk about you" ( and Bh) or talk about your issues beyond that.
Even so, I readily admit that I posted out of anger, without thinking about whether it was right to post in the place that I did. I was somewhat shocked to read about Bh's past, and I felt strongly that it should have been revealed, as it is part of the picture of your whole marriage. We do ask for as much of the picture as we can get here. If people do not volunteer the details, we always ask whether there are children, how long married, and usually, what the marriage was like up until the "just found out" affair. If we find out that there has been a previous affair (by the same WS), that sometimes leads to the conclusion that affairs are a way of life for the WS, and the recent affair is not an aberration of character.
None of the above happened in your case, yllan; I am just pointing out that most people here feel that the whole marriage should be looked at, as it is relevant. Obviously, there might be too much detail in a long marriage to look at it all. It is a case of sifting through for the right details.
I have not put much time into your thread at all, but I did in the early stages of your wife's. I usually recognise my limitations, and I am limited in the advice I have been able to offer to you ( a man, and the WS). You have had much wiser posters here, including tst and TogetherAlone (and there are others), and I have been more comfortable on your wife's thread. My angry post to the new thread was an instinctive response to the fact that I had given a lot of time to writing to her, only to find that I had been misinformed.
("Misinformed" might not be how you see it, but it is how I see it.)
I don't intend to boycott your thread in pique, but as I have already said, I try to recognise my own limitations. I have not been walking you step-by-step through this crisis, as you so flatteringly imply! I will continue to drop in if I see a place where I can be of help. If you don't mind my saying what I think is best, I think you should ask for direction from Steve - make an list of questions to ask about each week - and come here for support, but less so for direction. That is just my advice, and I have never coached with MB, so it is not even equivalent to work experience! It is merely armchair analysis.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
Okay, y,
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment. She is being very supportive of me, but she is defending me when I do not deserve it.
I feel very embarrassed that TWO threads on this board, neither of which are mine, have become about me! This should stop now (please).
An apology is not an apology when it is qualified by "but". So without saying "but", I do just want to point out yllan that I did not write about you on the other thread to spread the news and invite others to see the freak show. I thought that since your thread was on a public board it was fair game to refer to it. I limited what I said to pointing out that the information had only just been given, which I think you must agree is factually correct. I did not "talk about you" ( and Bh) or talk about your issues beyond that.
Even so, I readily admit that I posted out of anger, without thinking about whether it was right to post in the place that I did. I was somewhat shocked to read about Bh's past, and I felt strongly that it should have been revealed, as it is part of the picture of your whole marriage. We do ask for as much of the picture as we can get here. If people do not volunteer the details, we always ask whether there are children, how long married, and usually, what the marriage was like up until the "just found out" affair. If we find out that there has been a previous affair (by the same WS), that sometimes leads to the conclusion that affairs are a way of life for the WS, and the recent affair is not an aberration of character.
None of the above happened in your case, yllan; I am just pointing out that most people here feel that the whole marriage should be looked at, as it is relevant. Obviously, there might be too much detail in a long marriage to look at it all. It is a case of sifting through for the right details.
I have not put much time into your thread at all, but I did in the early stages of your wife's. I usually recognise my limitations, and I am limited in the advice I have been able to offer to you ( a man, and the WS). You have had much wiser posters here, including tst and TogetherAlone (and there are others), and I have been more comfortable on your wife's thread. My angry post to the new thread was an instinctive response to the fact that I had given a lot of time to writing to her, only to find that I had been misinformed.
("Misinformed" might not be how you see it, but it is how I see it.)
I don't intend to boycott your thread in pique, but as I have already said, I try to recognise my own limitations. I have not been walking you step-by-step through this crisis, as you so flatteringly imply! I will continue to drop in if I see a place where I can be of help. If you don't mind my saying what I think is best, I think you should ask for direction from Steve - make an list of questions to ask about each week - and come here for support, but less so for direction. That is just my advice, and I have never coached with MB, so it is not even equivalent to work experience! It is merely armchair analysis. I appreciate you taking time to post SC. I will agree with your overall analysis of the situation and definately would welcome any future posts by yourself. I appreciate that your not in my position (a man or a WS) but of course you have worked with a WS and that is why I still feel you have alot to offer me in my journey and am glad you'll be checking in. You are right and I have given my reasons above whether right or wrong. I had to make a choice - how could I recieve help and advice that would help us most in our current situation. I felt if I had mentioned W actions from 4+ years ago to much time may be spent judging her actions rather tahn focusing on mine. I didnt want to hear things like - well BH whats your problem with Emo, you done it to him first etc etc... Whether or not she did what she did, that was a long time ago and we had had some good years since and she has shown no signs of anything but utter transparency since. Having said that I do understand you would want the whole picture to help with advice. I whole heartedily apologise for my role in this situation and definately dont want to alienate members here - not for my selfish needs but I truly appreciate all the time you've spent of your time on my M and value you all as giving people x Hope theres no hard feelings and we can settle to some form of normality. I hope ML comes back soon we didnt get on well this morning and I tried to explain but still feel bad. Here's hoping
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
Just a thought but does anyone believe my A was in any way influenced but W actions?? I've never linked then and to be honest still dont and probably dont want to as I need to fully own my actions and not drag her in.
You are all much better equiped to answer that??
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083 |
Part of taking full responsibility is removing "excuses". So I think it's a good idea that you continue focusing on rehabilitating from your actions, without referencing her behavior as perhaps on some level subconsciously giving you license.
I won't talk about your wife's situation on your thread, because my belief is that it's a distraction from your behavior and your recovery from that behavior.
So - in a nutshell, I'm seeing progress and potential for recovery if you are walking the talk you're demonstrating here. Blameshifting is very destructive to marital recovery and I don't see you doing that at all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
Part of taking full responsibility is removing "excuses". So I think it's a good idea that you continue focusing on rehabilitating from your actions, without referencing her behavior as perhaps on some level subconsciously giving you license.
I won't talk about your wife's situation on your thread, because my belief is that it's a distraction from your behavior and your recovery from that behavior.
So - in a nutshell, I'm seeing progress and potential for recovery if you are walking the talk you're demonstrating here. Blameshifting is very destructive to marital recovery and I don't see you doing that at all. Thank you KA, I agree with everything you've said. My W and I arent reading each others threads at all, and so they should be dealt with seperately. Its been difficult considering since things kicked off last night i've wanted to protect her, but ive stuck to my thread and resolving my views of view. I know shes feeling really down from talking to her but ive left her to deal with her thread no matter how bad I feel. I dont blame her at all for the A - thats a fact and I definately dont treat her as if I do. I dont refer to anything from the past either as this it is important that I grow as an individual from this mess (A). Even if it takes time.
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
Yll: I think there is a fine line between blaming the BS for the A and looking closely at some of the problems in the M that led to your being open to an A. I admire the fact that you want to completely own your A and your actions. However, A's do not occur in a vacuum. I would venture to say that very few content, happily-married people enter into A's. I'm sure it happens, but I think it happens more in serial adulterers because of some character flaw in that type of WS. For the most part, an A occurs because some need of the WS isn't being met in the M.
When I first had my A, I was shocked when our MC (and my H too) suggested that my A might have something to do with my H's past EA. I really had never made that sort of connection, and I denied that my H's EA might have had something to do with my actions for a long time. I was over that, after all. That was all in the past. What I didn't realize is that my H and I never truly took the steps necessary to R our M after his very long-term EA finally came to an end. We just sort of swept it under the rug and tried to go on as though none of those 10 years mattered anymore. The problem is, we went on in different directions. Instead of moving closer together and really working on the problems in our M, we drifted further apart. That left me open to my A in a big way, because I had lost that emotional connection with my H.
Does that mean I blame him for my A? Absolutely not. I was in no way justified in what I did. It was wrong. I own that completely. But, it did help both of us in our R to realize where the emotional distance in our M came from so that we could work on it together. IMO, for a M to truly R, it is necessary at some point to look at all of the factors that led up to the A and which EN's were not being met in the M. I think this is an important step so that another A doesn't happen again in the future because the root of the problem was never addressed in the first place.
Maybe you really are certain that your A had nothing to do with your W's actions in the past. I was absolutely certain that mine had nothing to do with my H's. But, what did you and BH do to recover your M after she stopped all contact with the OM? Did you get counseling? Did you read any of the Harley's books (or other books, since I'm assuming you didn't know about this site then)? Did you actually go through the process of R your M? What steps were taken to R your marriage after your W's EA? And, if no steps were taken, how can you be completely sure that her past actions have had no affect whatsoever on you or your M?
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 3,499 |
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment I will pay MEGA $$$ for a picture of that!!!!!  Not2fun
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment I will pay MEGA $$$ for a picture of that!!!!! Not2fun 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment I will pay MEGA $$$ for a picture of that!!!!! Not2fun lol hi ML are we in any way ok?
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Emotionally, of course we are ok. I wish you and your W the very best.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
Emotionally, of course we are ok. I wish you and your W the very best. Can we still chat? can I call on your sound advice?? or are you just being pleasant??
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,537 Likes: 9
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,537 Likes: 9 |
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment I will pay MEGA $$$ for a picture of that!!!!! Not2fun Be scared, Mel. I have yet to be honest on here about the size of my butt... Quite frightening.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Be scared, Mel. I have yet to be honest on here about the size of my butt...
Quite frightening. You ain't seen my Texas pistola, Madam! ![[Linked Image from i39.photobucket.com]](http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e193/jwondering/th_cowb.gif)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
I'm going to sit on Mel for a moment I will pay MEGA $$$ for a picture of that!!!!! Not2fun Be scared, Mel. I have yet to be honest on here about the size of my butt... Quite frightening.  Ok ladies ladies ladies, as lovely as you all are im sure, I do need to sleep tonight so please refrain from anymore graphic details  lol jk 
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344 |
(handing emo my brillo pad stock so he can scrub out his mental eye)
I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. My Story Recovered!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 180 |
(handing emo my brillo pad stock so he can scrub out his mental eye)  sounds painful but arrrggghhhhh sooo necessary
WS - 30, BS - 29, DS's - 9,6,4,2
M - 10 years, A - Oct-Nov '08, D-Day - Nov '08
Looking into anger management, any good advice??
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
462
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
