I don't think it is ever okay to blame the OC for any of this situation. They didn't choose this life. It was chosen for them. The OC is one of the innocents as well. I can understand an OC's need to know. I am an OC myself, and it will probably always feel like some part of me is missing because of that. But I didn't ask for it. I had no say in the choices that were made by my mother and father. I'm very grateful that my half-sister was willing to meet with me and answer some of the questions that I had about my father's side of the family. She was very warm, and welcoming, and gracious. We haven't kept in touch, by my choosing, but just meeting her meant a lot to me. I grew up an only child, and I spent many years wondering about my father's children.

I know it's a difficult situation for everyone involved. But I want my OC to grow up knowing that she is very much loved and wanted, for the person that she is in her own right, not for the circumstances which led to her conception. I have always suffered from low self-esteem because of the circumstances in which I grew up, and I don't want that to happen to her. I think it's very important in these situations to separate the child from the A.

Who said they are blaming the OC?

Maybe blaming wasn't the right word. I don't think Fled is blaming the OC in her case at all. However, I do think it's wrong to call an OC who goes looking for his/her bio family as "selfish." Adopted children search for their bio parents all the time. Sometimes, the bio parents agree to contact and sometimes they don't. But I think the OC (as well as adopted children) have the right to search for their bio parents if they so desire. If the bio parents don't agree to contact, then that should be respected. But calling an OC "selfish" just because they are curious about their absent parent is wrong, imo.

fled

"Me and my family are not responsible for the emotional well-being of the off-spring of every irresponsible person on earth."

Not everyone just your WS.

"I am trying to find the best solution to a situation that really has no good solution."

That is all that can be done.

I guess that to recover from an affair is the same no matter what level it went. If the WS and the BS want to recover what does it matter if SF was once, SF went on for years. Where ever what has be done by D day the mindset becomes at least it's over with. There will always be no matter what the WS did, it could of been worse.

Not one year two years.

Not one OP two OP.

Not one OC two OC.

Maybe I am an anathema, but as an adopted person, I can honestly say I never felt as if there was something missing growing up. I really didn't. I did have a mom and a dad. They were my mom and dad. One time in jr. high, someone asked me "Do you know where your parents are now?" asking about my bio mom and dad. I said, "They're at work" because to me parents were...my parents I lived with every day. My pet peeve is when someone asks an adopted person about their "real" parents. Like adoption makes it unreal.

I did have some health problems at 30, and my H ended up searching for my bio parents. Honestly, though they (well my bio mom at least) are nice, I would have been happy with a piece of paper listing health stuff, but I know them now, and that is that. I didn't feel some special lifetime movie feeling when I saw M.E. (bmom) for the first time. I already had a mom.

I guess I say all that to say that I believe that Writer's H IS her daughter's dad, at least in the ways that matter most. I also have quite a few half siblings. I will never know the ones on my bdad's side because he doesn't want them to know about me - I was an OC (my bmom didn't know he was married). My bmom's kids and I have met, but I don't really feel like a "sister."

I don't feel qualified to give any opinion (because that's what it is - an opinion) about whether or not to tell BS's about Oc's or anything. Obviously no one on my bdad's side knows I exist. I just know that it is possible for someone to love a child with no genetic connection, and it is possible for that child to feel completely loved. I am living proof.

I think the feeling of there being something missing in my life was because I didn't have a dad (or siblings) at all. My mother never married and never had any other children. In what little family I did have (grandmother, uncle, aunt, two cousins) I never really felt like I belonged - sort of a black sheep, I guess.

I'm hoping that my OC's experience will be different from my own, because she will have a mother and a father, brothers and sisters, etc. who love her very much and accept her as part of the family. I guess only time will tell if she will still feel that need to search for her bio dad's family or not.

I do think medical info is important. My mother believes that my grandmother on my father's side of the family may have had epilepsy. I've never had a seizure, but I have suffered from migraines for years, and I recently read that migraine sufferers are more likely to develop epilepsy in the future. I know epilepsy can run in families. It certainly would be nice to know if my paternal grandmother did indeed have epilepsy (I'm sure she is deceased by now, since my father would be in his late 70's) and at what age she developed it. I've also had to have a biopsy on a mole, which turned out to be a neurofibroma, which is most commonly found in people with neurofibromatosis, another genetically related condition. No one on my mother's side of the family has it, so that leaves my father's side. It really is good to have a medical history of both sides of the family.

And Gack, I just came up with 2 for you. Maybe not so common, but they are the 2 that have so far impacted me. I'm pretty sure breast cancer would be another. My cousin's mother and grandmother have both had breast cancer and so, she had to start getting mammograms at a much younger age because it runs in her family.

No! I am not responsible for anything having to do with OW's OC. Neither are my COM. My FWH takes care of his financial responsibilities, the OW should have thought of the rest of her OC's needs when she decided to get pregnant by someone who was not available to be a father to her OC and did not want to be a parent with her.

ON the medical information front, it really is a small issue. Many adoptive children have been well managed by their medical provider over the years by keeping in mind the fact that they are adopted. We can't change our genetics, but none of us should smoke, eat excessively, sit on the couch all day, etc. The normal, proactive healthy life style is all we have and there aren't any miracle drugs out there to prevent us from acquiring our genetic issues. We need a higher level of suspicion when our genetics are unknown, but we need to seek treatment, prevent what we can by our life style, then cope with the hand we are dealt in the best way possible.

The OW showed up at my house with my parents wanting to know the genetic history of my FWH "just in case". The only significant history she got and ever will is that he has had occasional severe moral lapses in judgement and the environment her OC is growing up in will probably encourage those.

Writer,
the fact that your BH views this child as his and is willing to raise this child with you in your home is the best gift you can give your child. I wish that such an option was available to the OC in our sitch, but that is not the OW. Your OC has the opportunity to grow up in a good environment,, without the difficulties you had, if you and your BH choose to give that to her. She can grow up without the issues you carrie around for so long. I truly believe that environment is far more important in the well being of a person than biology is.

I agree. My mother wasn't able to provide that for me, and I honestly think it would have made all the difference. I spent so much of my childhood fantasizing about my mother meeting someone and getting married and having more kids. It kind of bothers me that my OC won't really "grow up" with her brothers and sisters, since her closest sibling is 14 years older than she is. But all of my kids adore her, and she will have two parents who love her very much. I think that's the best thing I can give her. I certainly don't want to put her in a situation where there is a paternity/custody battle. I can't even imagine how that situation would work since OC is only 14 months old and the OM lives 3000 miles away. It would be a nightmare of massive proportions.

Writer,

Your child (OC) will have something few children have. A Dad that actually chose her. He chose to be his daughter. He had many choices and she was chosen by him to be his daughter.

I think this is rather positive don't you? Lurioosi makes a good point. And your point was that you did not have the full family experience so yes something was missing. However, don't project that on to your child. This child has a Mom and a Dad, and in this case Dad had a choice to accept her or not.

I think this is good, don't you?

God Bless,

JL

I agree completely.

Ok, I yield. I like that we all can repsectfully share many points of view. Great! It helps to see how something can be looked at many angles.

In my case, my sitch, since I'm staying with my WH for the foreseeable future I would want to know mainly because it would be a drain on our finances if we had one of these OWs come forward with an OC. And then what if there are multiple OC's and their mamas come looking for some cash assistance or/and asking for him to be a part of that child / childrens life, visitation. I already 5 children and that's a lot of financial responsibility as is. As well as time they need spent with their father. It would drastically alter the map. And even more so if he actually knows of some, OCs, and chose to live the next say 15 years with that knowledge and not clue me in, until said OC pops into the picture. I wouldn't blame OC but once again I'd be back at square one, my then FWH would still have been lying to me. I'd want to know since I'm staying with him. But hey if he leaves or I kick him out, then I'd already be setting up child support and visitation if need be. And what happens with OW and her OC/s is just on him.

Then I had this freak vision of my DD one day dating this fellow she felt so close to but couldn't pin point why and they decided to get married. But before they got married they so courteously wanted the future in laws to meet. Only to have my then FWH pull me aside and say I need to talk. BTW, FBW this woman was one of the X-OWs and DS could very well be mine. DD and soon to be OWs DS are blood related. Boy, wouldn't that create a mess!

Hey though, the chances of that happening are probably like that of a jumbo jet landing on my roof tomorrow!

Writer I know you are going to make the best deciscions you know how for your daughter. I just caution you to always tell the truth to her when you choose to say anything to her about her lineage or when she asks. The truth is always best, even if it's not pretty.

I wished my husbands parents and his half siblings parents had told the children the truth. It's been difficult for him to process the reality of what it is.

And that's why I caution you to always share with her the truth.

fled

"No! I am not responsible for anything having to do with OW's OC."

Alway the OW's OC.

Why not just OC.

Why never WH's child or WH's OC?

I understand your need for OW and WH to have NC. Though it seems that you have so much hate, well maybe better said as anger towards the OC.

Not the OC Road. OW. The women intentionally sought out a man to get PG with. It is her child. Not ours. We made a joint decision to have no more children. My FWH was denied all rights after the "Free Sex, Just for Fun, No Harm, No one will Know". She planned the PG with fertility monitoring. This is not our child, not a member of our family. these are the consequences the OW chose for her child. And she depends on people with opinions such as yours to support her in her cause of being supported by
"The Dead Beat Father" that didn't stick it out with the OW.

Yes there will always be anger toward OW. She is stealing from my COM everyday. She causes pain to our family every day. It doesn't go away when there is an OC, because she will potentially provide information to OC to come find us. Very clearly, we don't want to be involved with OC or we would have sued for custody. Unfortunately, FWH also isn't allowed to place OC up for adoption when he was born so that he could be raised in a loving, moral home either.

Don't rant on me Road, you aren't walking in my shoes!!

fled and W1

�It is her child. Not ours.�

So the OW is asexual and can reproduce on her own. Sorry but the OC is just as much your WH�s as she is hers.

�We made a joint decision to have no more children.�

And your WH has had no more kids with you. So?

�My FWH was denied all rights�

That�s why there are courts.

�This is not our child�

Again not yours but your WH's

�these are the consequences the OW chose for her child.�

True.

�And she depends on people with opinions such as yours to support her in her cause of being supported by "The Dead Beat Father" that didn't stick it out with the OW.�

False. I believe in NC between the AP�s once recovery has started.

�Yes there will always be anger toward OW. She is stealing from my COM�

Your WH�s past action is also responsible for the stealing.

�we don't want to be involved with OC or we would have sued for custody. Unfortunately, FWH also isn't allowed to place OC up for adoption when he was born so that he could be raised in a loving, moral home either.�

How moral is your home and you and your WH?

Where the both of you let WH�s child be raised in an unmoral home.

�Don't rant on me Road, you aren't walking in my shoes�

I don�t think I would be able to raise another man�s OC. So I don�t find fault with your emotions and feelings where you do not want anything to do with the OC. To me your words place all the blame on the OW.

Did your WH not know about how babies are made?

The problem is when you use logic and reasons that make no sense to justify your position.

fled, the thing is you do what you can handle. Sometimes one has to do things in life the does not want to do. Sometimes one winds up doing more then they thought they could handle.

The thing is an affair can�t be undone, an OC can�t be undone.

Writer1�s BH has to accept the OC.

Why?

It is the price to pay to keep his life intact. He did not have an affair. He was content. Does not mean they could not of had a better marriage. Though to be there everyday with his family life still there he has to accept being a cuckold to keep having his wife and COM under the same roof to come home to every day.

This is how a BS stay�s on. He says thank god it was only an EA, If it was a ONS PA then the response becomes TG it was only one time. The PA could have been a year long, or TG only and OC there could have been two OC.

However the scenario played out for the BH his acceptance is based on thank god it could have been worse. This is how a BH justifies sticking around. So he can keep his family intact.

What does the WW do for her BH to stick around committed to the family and raise her OC?

What is her price to pay?

Stop having sex with OM.

WW got extra thrill. Gets to keep her alpha male OC.

Road: Except, in my case, my BH did actually have an A. I'm not trying to play the "he started it" game here, but I think the reason that my H was able to forgive me for my A and accept the OC into our family is because he set a precedent of unfaithfulness in our M from the very beginning. These aren't my words, by the way, they're his. I think my A is what really made my H realize that I never felt secure in his feelings for me. Talk about walking a mile in someone's shoes. It would be almost impossible for me to explain to anyone what it feels like to realize 1 week after your wedding that your new H is still in love with someone else, and then to have those feelings for another person become a recurring nightmare over the course of the next 10 years of your relationship. And even after the A ended, to not have any true plan for R and simply try to brush everything that happened under the rug and go on as though none of those 10 years ever really mattered.

That doesn't justify my having an A. No matter the state of a M, an A is never the answer. I know that now. I guess I didn't when my A began. When my A started, I pretty much would have done anything just to hear someone say they loved me and feel like they really meant it. 13 years of loneliness and being made to feel as though you're #2 in someone's heart will make you fairly desperate. I did a lot of desperate things that I am not proud of. My H did a lot of things that he's not proud of too. But we're doing our best to move forward and create the kind of M that we should have been building all along. Will we succeed after so much pain and betrayal? Only time will tell.

fled

care to respond?

I'll bite.

>How moral is your home and you and your WH?

>To me your words place all the blame on the OW.


WTF?

You have no idea what goes on at Fled's house.

Further, I'd be willing to bet your WIFE asked for your forgiveness...prolly begged for it. And YOU gave it to her. I'll even UP the ante and bet the farm Fled's husband did the same thing.

You deign to look down your nose when you made the SAME decision?

The only other qualifier in this equation was the OC...and Fled and her husband decided no contact with monetary support.

Period. They did what was best for THEIR family - whether YOU agree with it or not really doesn't play into it. For you to call out that their decisions were immoral isn't really for YOU to judge.

You don't even have an inkling the pain and agony of these decisions, yet you feel need to spurt your righteous indignation at what YOU perceive is wrong.

Classic. THIS is why people don't post here often...there is a dayumed if you do, dayumed if you don't black hole that is nearly impossible to break free of.

Writer posts here and gets the riot act read to her for being wayward.

Fled posts and gets the riot act read to her for attempting to save HER family.

I post here and people say they "could never"! UGH!

Do you all see? We all were in positions to make decisions to save our families the best way we could?

That's it. THAT'S the common denominator.

You all have it too...you who don't have the OC to worry about...you have the SAME problem...what do you do to save your family or not?

My apologies, Writer, for the threadjack.

It's OK to put posters on "ignore".