I (heart) Pep.

TJ away. I've pretty much just accepted the fact that you can't please everyone. I don't even try anymore. For me, the important thing is that my H and I are deciding together how we want to handle the situation and what we feel is best for our family. In our situation, it seems as though we really wouldn't have much to gain by telling the OM's ex-W about the OC or going after him for CS, so we've decided not to do it. We are doing what we feel is best for our M, COM's, and our OC. When it comes right down to it, if we are happy with our situation, then nothing else really matters.

Dde: You are doing what is best for your family in your own unique situation. I truly believe that Fled and her H are doing what is best for them as well. People will pass judgement if they will, but until they have walked a mile in our shoes, they can't really know what they would and would not do if they found themselves in a similar situation.

I'll bite cuz I normally respect the heck out of TR. Let me tell you something, TR...these situations with an OC make people so dayum uncomfortable on these boards that people either post to us with righteous indignation or ignore us. The fact is EVERY family that suffers through an A has to do what is best for THEM. I do not look down on anyone for having NC with the OC. In fact I generally advise new BS's in this situation to consider NC because C is H A R D. How would you feel if your FWW had to have C with the OM for the rest of her life? Yeah there can be 3rd party mediators but honestly it doesn't really happen very often.

You see the OW with OC are very entitled. They think because they gave birth to our H's child that they now hold a place of honor in our H's life. They will use that child every way they can to manipulate the WH and to hold over the BW.

And..to answer the above "moral" question...well we have C with the OC and we can do NOTHING about the lousy parenting and immoral lifestyle of the OW. N O T H I N G..remember what we say around here "you can only control YOU". So week after week we work, work, work on teaching a 4 year old manners and to not throw tantrums, to eat a meal, to go to bed on time, to not throw things, not hit other kids, not yell when he wants something etc etc. MAYBE we will make a difference, maybe not but I would not even consider having this child around if my COM were younger like Fled's. I would only do it if I had full custody because one child is not worth sacrificing all the others for.

Amen my sister! This is why this board is so slow and why some of us have to go to a more private place to get help.

FF: Are people still posting on the private board? I joined before the crash, but it didn't seem like anyone was posting there anymore, so I didn't bother to request to join again. If it's active again, I might head over there.

" For me, the important thing is that my H and I are deciding together how we want to handle the situation and what we feel is best for our family."





EGG-ZAK-LEE

Email me writer. My addy is in my profile.

.
.
Well, I'd have to disagree with you on this one. I came over here to post, and I felt like you "regulars" ganged up on my for posting MY POV. In my sitch, I may NEVER know if there is an OC out there until some kid knocks on my door. The OW is out of the picture now, but I know they had unprotected sex. I offered up my POV as the WH's wife, saying "I" would like to know if WH fathered a child, and I would hope, if the OW has turned her life around as writer has, that someone would do the courtesy of a phone call. I don't trust my WH to keep me updated on the situation, so I'd hope if the OW in my case would fill me in as part of her "owning" her mistakes.
Clearly, it could be the OW is still foggy and I'll never hear the truth. I can only hope that if there is an OC out there, someone will tell me before my doorbell rings...
.
.
.
But then, after offering my point of view, you guys laid into me, saying I had no clue, etc., and I basically decided to STFU. So, as one who is now "afraid" to post here, I can offer that some of us feel like you ran us off. I was hoping to have a meaningful dialog but it doesn't feel safe for me.
.
.
I'm glad you have a private place, and feel free to blast me there or here if it helps. Heading back over to "where I belong..."

Faithful: I just sent you an email.

back at you, hon

First of all ima you are welcome to post anywhere you like. Second this is inaccurate What was being discussed was writers xOM's BW is his EX now. What we said was if we were already divorced, the xOWH was raising the OC and our support from our ex was not at risk we would NOT want to know about the OC ESPECIALLY coming from the xOW. You misinterpreted that to mean that if we were still M'd we would not want to know. Your sit is different, you are still married. Of COURSE you want to know if OW or OC is going to show up demanding money!

I will tell you though it is not OW's place to tell the BW. The only reason an OW would do this would be for her own personal gain, IMHO.

BTW, no one is "talking" about you on our private board. Our board is to be able to support each other without us getting beat up for living our lives the best we can.

In my opinion, the above situation is where your focus ought to be.

Recovery and real marital intimacy is impossible under your current circumstances.

I'm very sorry your M is still so unsafe.

Where in this quote from me or anyone else did they say STFU to you? Nobody, we disagreed with the OW contacting the exW of the OM. It honestly is not up to writer to tell her that there is an OC.

ITA. I am sorry for your pain, ima

Well THERE'S one thing we can ALL agree on.

> I don't trust my WH to keep me updated on the situation

If he didn't tell you (given that he knew), imo it's justifiable homicide.

Plain and simple.

All kidding aside...has your wh done ANYTHING to make you feel safe yet?

D-day was so long ago...I'm so sorry Ima.

I'm not going to thread jack too much here, but suffice it to say, he may THINK he has done things to protect me, but they most certainly AREN'T the things I need to feel safe, based on my ENs. And yes, he's smart (Ph.D. in fact) and has counseled with the Harleys, so this is a conscious decision, IMO. I have a small thread over on MB 101 forum to give the tip of the iceberg. But yeah, gettin' tired of treading water. Storm's a brewin'.

�I'll bite.�

I�ll bite back.

�You have no idea what goes on at Fled's house.�

True.

�You deign to look down your nose when you made the SAME decision?�

All a BS needs to have NC with the OC is that they chose not to just for the emotional pain drain on their health contact would have.

Fled used words to justify NC with the OC. The logic in her choice of words is what I disagree with. Not with her decision for NC with the OC.

I do not sit in judgment of her decision. I support it. It is what works for her. Do you see the difference? Not what see did. How she justified it.

�They did what was best for THEIR family - whether YOU agree with it or not really doesn't play into it. For you to call out that their decisions were immoral isn't really for YOU to judge.�

When there is an OC there has to be the least damage possible for all, all damage can not be avoided for some. However fled only lays into the OW not the WH. Then calls the OW being unfit, but it�s ok for her WH to leave his child in such a situation.

�there is a dayumed if you do, dayumed if you don't black hole that is nearly impossible to break free of.�

dayumed not for what fled did, dayumed for what she said.

I never had an OC to face. Believe there should be NC between the AP�s. Best most times for the OC not to be shuttled back and forth.

Thank you for the clarifications, TR. I really, really appreciate it.

wowza, wowza, wowza, interesting reading this thread. it brought so many memory's back. from my dads A with mom, my brother who started life as an oc, 1/2 twin sisters whom i have never met and my own oc situation

writer........ i applaud you and your h for your decision to raise this little peanut as your/his own.

with all the pain and difficulties thru the nearly 9 years of living with this i could not imagine life without our little.................now that may change when she hits the 13 - 18 nightmare years. but for now it's good

i understand your reasons for wanting info on om and his family history but don't quite get all the hoopla that's made over blood type and medical history.

i never had a clue as to my mom and dads blood type and knowing he had coronary artery desease didn't stop me from following suit. with the technology today blood can be typed in a blink, you can be screened for about everything and regular checkups work wonders for diagnosing future illness. just mho

notherone......again just mho but i don't see where worrying about what "might" be will help you in any way as far as pssible oc. i think you should be focusing on bettering the relationship with h and dealing with anything else when it comes up.

with this particular forum you can prepare yourself thru the vast experiences of people who have walked in those shoes IF the need ever raises its ugly head

fled.........i understand and support your decisions of nc. maybe this is cause for another thread (and i appoligize for not remembering this detail from your sit) but i was curious whether your com's are aware of oc.

dealan.........as always i love reading your reply's. your
de-ism's bring a smile with every read.

to all...... this site was a GOD send to me when i found myself dealing with this mess.

it is also a derned if you do/don't place also. which is why FH doesn't read or post

one definately has to have a thick skin to be here