Yes, and yes!

But, am I right in reading that you have NOT exposed to OW's family? Why not? Is she married? I forget. If so, even if she's divorced, let him know! And tell her parents, by all means. Siblings, best friends, coworkers...anyone who will reveal the adultery for the slime that it is. They need to be shunned in public.

The next time he flaunts his affair in your face like that, do something about it. Move his clothes out of your bedroom, for starters. Give him a consequence every time he throws it in your face.

Write to the mods and tell them that you need to see if they can do anything to hide or change your name in posts. If not, you may have to delete your threads.

Buy another keylogger, one that hides itself better.

Yes - move his stuff out of the masterbedroom pronto.

He's already setting the stage for an accusation of DV against you with the knife thing.

ALWAYS wear a voice activated recorder and make sure all interactions are recorded. When he makes such an accusation against you, you can ask him to clarify - and state "I see no sudden movements, no packing around of sharp objects. What could be harmful to you except your own illicit actions?"

He may want you to kick him out. It doesn't matter.

You're in this to win the war, not every skirmish. Follow Pep's most excellent plan, and stand back as reality comes crashing in on him. Your war is likely to end much sooner for separating shortly before the holidays. It's a powerful time of the year - take full advantage of it.


(emphasis mine)

So don't be afraid of asking him to leave. Do your groundwork first, just like Pep said, (woops, I typed Pepo - may start calling her that ) and don't be afraid to tell him to leave. The good Dr. H says so.

I have not exposed to OW family because I don't know who they are. That is why my friend is looking in to the PI for me. She is not and has not been married but by the sounds of it she has done this a few times.

So, it was really hard last night to do Plan A because we just sat there. He is completely withdrawn now, not even talking to me at all. He has been overly playful with the kids and it is making me mad.

When he does leave, he is supposed to be coming here to watch the kids while I am at work. How can I do a Plan B and still have that?

Am I right to understand that I need to do a Plan A first? Or do I just react to the next time he flaunts it by kicking him out of the room? I guess it is just that I wasn't understanding about Plan A and maybe I was doing it AND being a DOORMAT. So I CAN react to stuff just not by yelling and crying?

I don't know how to delete my posts. Can anyone help?

You Plan A everything ELSE in your life. Look great, smell good, cook his favorite food, keep the house immaculate, invite his friends over so he has good memories of the house.

But every single thing that has anything to do with the affair - you calmly and politely and STRONGLY do not accept anything that has to do with the affair. If he stops off at her house instead of coming home for dinner, eat without him and do not leave leftovers. If he leaves a family event to see her, turn off the lights and lock the doors for when he comes home. If he uses the internet to contact OW, tell him you're saving money by canceling internet; he'll get the hint.

So, be amazing, but every chance you get to point out that you will NOT accept having an affair shoved in your face - i.e., show you have self-respect.

Hit the 'contact mods' button below.

But you have to know that you HAVE to contact OW's family and friends. You just have to. She has NO reason to give him up unless you make it hot for her. You're spinning your wheels if you don't.

Mooo,

If this is related to being found by Google, I think the problem is your very distinctive choice of names. If you choose a name that is more like an ordinary word, there is no chance that someone will sift through all the Google results that come up. Your current name isn't a proper word, so it will appear right at the top of the search engine results list.

I Googled my name, and there was so much stuff about sugar cane that I could not begin to read it all! There was nothing in the first several pages from MB, though.

Call yourself Snow White and you'll have no problems. You don't have to delete the previous threads; just ask for them to be merged under your new name.

Sugar- Thanx for that advice I did it so hopefully they can change it.

Cat- I DO know that I have to expose to OW family and as soon as I find them I will.

After reading the advice last night I decided that I would move him out of our room this morning. He was out getting the tire fixed. I moved his stuff in to the dinning room (we have a 2 bedroom house). I then took DS x 2 to the Santa Claus parade.

As we got to parade my cell rang and he asked if that meant I was kicking him out. I said "Not out of our house, just out of our room." He said "Where am supposed to sleep?" I said "Where you sleep is no longer my concern." He said "I can't sleep on the couch, my back is too sore." I said "Well you do what you have to." Then I thought he said "Well I am in the truck and I am going." I thought he meant he was leaving.

So, I watched the parade with my kids and family and friends and cried a bit. I went to his old best friend's house(he now only has her and her friends as he has slowly gotten rid of the rest of his own by not talking to anyone). I hung out with them for a while(Old bestfriend used to be BIL). Then I came home and he was here.

He was very angry with me when I got home because I erased his profile on our computer by accident while I was cleaning out my history (I don't even know what I did). He thought I did it on purpose. Then I had to go to the doctor's to get a needle so I said "Do you mind watching the kids for a while?" I got up and he said, "Tell WHOEVER I said HI". I said "What?" and his response was "You heard me" I put on makeup and perfume and walked out the door. He made a few comments about other men adn deleting my profile and playing games too. He was so mad. I have actually never seen him get mad without being prodded by me to a point where he can't hold it in any longer. I didn't respond I just walked out. Spent 2 hours out and came home and cooked dinner.

DS 9 is on a sleepover so DS 6 and I went to sleep in my bed to have our own sleepover. Then a couple of hours later WH CAME TO BED. I was asleep and I heard him come in. I got mad and come down here to write to you all about it.

I think tomorrow I am going to buy a lock for my room door and lock it. Maybe I will put out an air mattress as a hint that that is where he can sleep if he wishes to stay here.

This is a very unhealthy dynamic. It has no place in a happy marriage, or one hoping to recover from infidelity.

Forget the air mattress. His path back into your room is simple - get rid of OW and start R.

Also, you can find OW's family/associate information by doing a paid Intelius search. It will list all people she has shared an address with, and it's usually not too hard to pick out her family members.

Scotland, did you see Pepperbands post about asking him to leave just before Christmas? He needs to move out. Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life, but a very short plan that lasts no longer than FOUR WEEKS. I would get a lock for the front door and get him out of there.

As far as him watching the kids while you are gone, I would find another babysitter. He shouldn't be in the house at all anymore.

Hi Scotland,

Don't beat yourself up about losing control earlier with the verbal diarrhea,
(I got myself into the same mess with FWH, I think it's the pure Ontario H2O over here lol) but from now on .... control it.

WH needs to see YOU in control of your life, your family and your M.

Like what has already been said but needs to be repeated since it is so
crucial to keeping a hold of your own sanity is ..... don't react to his irrational words.
Look at him as if he were a person from another planet, in your H's body.
Once I got on to this, it made Plan A somewhat more tolerable.

Pissin' contests are DEADLY, once you start down that path, it spirals out of control.
Your best weapon is holding onto control.

WH needs to know that you will not tolerate a third party in a M that is meant for two.

So, right now I'm not sure where you are at.
I don't see Plan A including moving H out of the bedroom.

A lock on your bedroom door is pointless, I also don't think this is the best scenario for your kids to witness.

Seems to me you Plan A your butt off, this means using the stick side too, not tolerating any words or actions that relate to OW,
then you throw him out and go to a dark Plan B.
Exactly what Pepperband said to do.
No warning, his stuff is out on the driveway.
Prepare your Plan B letter now.

Or you Plan B now, but it doesn't sound like WH would have a good imprint in his head of what your M could be.

I had to do this too, although I didn't do it right, I was in a rage .... not the best way.

Once he was gone, I felt relief, relief of not having to be subject to his crazy and hurtful words.
I had to protect myself, protect what love and fight I still had to save my M.

Although removing my FWH from our home was to protect me, it gave him a dose of what life was like, with out his family.

Side note of finding out about OW, can you look her up on Facebook and then view her friends ... and go from there, looking up their phone #'s ????

EXCELLENT !

His anger is a GOOD thing.
You're not following his script, and that makes him uneasy and his uneasy feeling is expressed via anger.

What part of my (previous) advise do you disagree with?

I suggested a stellar Plan A for a few more weeks.
Filling every EN he'll allow you to fill (putting him off guard by making him comfortable).
Making yourself and your home as attractive as possible.

And then, like a flash - putting him O U T. (plan B)
Not just out of the bedroom, like half-assed punishment, but out of the family - where he will actually get to experience the loss of you as his wife.

And Christmas season is the most emotional-family time there is ... perfect timing for Plan B.

Perhaps you want to choose a non Marriage Builders path. Am I incorrect when I suspect you are NOT going to follow the MB plans as we suggest?

Please let me know, because I will not bother with annoying MB advice if you plan to ignore it.

Pep is a very experienced Adultery Demolition Technician. I wholeheartedly recommend you follow her advice.

me too

He's already shown that he's afraid you are going to kick him out. That is his weakness. Expand on it.

PLAN B!

Men HATE to be alone on Christmas. It is the best possible ammunition you have, to end the affair and get him back. Start preparing for Plan B.

He will thank you later, if it shocks him out of the affair.

Pepper- I am NOT by any means saying that I don't want to follow anything you are saying I just don't know what I am SUPPOSED to do. I feel like I am drowning. I think I understand that my Plan right now is to Plan A till just before Christmas and then Plan B and kick him out.

What do I do when he goes to see her and doesn't hide it anymore or when I KNOW that he called her while I was at work and my kids were sitting right there. How do I Plan A and still make sure I am not a doormat? I really need some advice on that.

I hadn't been on at all yesterday so I didn't know what to do. I found out that he had called her from our home while he was watching the kids. I decided I would try to lock the door. He came up to go to bed and I wouldn't let him in. He tried for 1/2 hour and told me that he had paid for the bed and for the room and I couldn't keep him out. I responded with a "We paid for it" and he said "Yes WE did" Then I said that I would not like him to come in unless he was willing to give up his affair. He threatened to take the door off of the hinges and then he said he would just pack up his stuff and go sleep with someone else if that's what I wanted. I repeated what I said and he went downstairs. At 2am he came up and forced the door open. He simply went to sleep until he left for work this morning.

Pepper- I am confused by all of the different people on here telling me to Plan A and then kick him out or telling him to go now. I am new to the boards and I don't know who has the best advice. I am still waiting for my SAA book to come and I thought I could get some helpful advice while I was waiting. I just don't know what I am doing.

Please be patient with me as this really is against all of my instincts (that's how I know what I am doing is right).

When I found this site and read all the concepts and everything I could read, it made A LOT of sense to me and it felt like a bright light at the end of a dark tunnel. It felt like the universe had shown me exactly what I needed at a time that was crucial. I know I have not followed exactly what advice is given on MB. I am trying and I am willing to do what I have to.

I want to save my M because I know that it is worth it and I know who my WH truly is somewhere behind this alien mask. I have in the past tried to do things to help my marriage but I was flying blind. I really look up to the people on here, and I am in desperate need of help.

I am going to Plan A with the intentions of it only lasting till the week before christmas. I just need to know what I do when he tells me that he is with her, or going out with her or calling her. What do I say to THAT.

I hope someone can help me.

Scotland, I'm new to the board also, and I felt much like you with what I thought were conflicting points of view. What I have to realize is that I must consider all points of view and apply them to my own situation. That's the true value of this board.

Some of the best responses I have read so far are ones that I did not want to face. They have caused me to check my own motives and wishes. In many ways, this forum is like Al-Anon: we come here because of the other person, but find out what we need to do is to heal ourselves.

Beginner's advice here: Say or do nothing to enable the A! Acceptance is always about finding peace with something we disagree with. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Until it's time for Plan B.

And then Plan B with a vengeance. No quarter, no negotiation. Keep in mind, Plan B (and Plan A, for that matter) are FOR YOU. Your WS may never recover. Your marriage may not survive. But you can. And you will.

I also need some advice for the Plan B stage. WH had planned on watching the kids for me while I had to go to work. I could try to find some other people to watch the kids for me and rearrange my schedule so he doesn't have to. I am okay with that what I need help with is do I allow him to see the kids and what ground rules do I put in place for that? I know in Plan B that he is to have no contact with me but does that include the kids?

I have found some drafts of Plan B letter on here so I will be constructing my own over the next few days.

I am letting his work know the additional information that OW gave me about a business trip that he took her on.

He plays on a pool team and I am going to let them know tonight and I also am exposing to an online RPG that he plays. These are the only places that he talks to people and has "friends" although he isn't really close to any of them. Pepper- Do You think this is a good idea?

When he finds out about this stuff he will be angry which I am prepared for but does that still work in to Plan A. Like if he leaves before I ask him to do I still Plan A? I know I have to Plan A BEFORE I Plan B so I am just preparing myself for every possible outcome.

Plan A exists for you to show your husband exactly what he'll be giving up if he gives up on the marriage. Plan A does NOT include your acceptance of the affair. But Plan A does included NO relationship talk. In a true Plan A, I suppose you would not be forcing him to sleep on the couch. But you would be keeping careful notes of all the things you will (eventually) include in your plan B letter.

Plan A alone sometimes will shock the wayward out of the affair. But if it doesn't, that's what Plan B is for. And plan B is for YOU--Plan A involves only your GIVER and Dr. Harley says most women only have about 3-4 weeks in them for this type of stuff. When you feel you are at the end of your rope, that's the time for Plan B. And plan B is for YOU--to remove yourself from your husband's abuse. A side benefit of Plan B is that it forces the affair partner to now fulfill ALL your WH's ENs and often, that person fails miserably and it falls apart.

Here's where I am with this forum. I had to back away for about a week or two, because I realized so much of the advice I was getting was being filtered through posters' personal experience. I finally decided that I needed to talk to a professional and I made an appointment with Steve. He spent over an hour on the phone with me and helped me figure out my next step. To further illustrate how these well-meaning posters can sometimes not help, I did post a recap of my conversation with Steve on my thread and several people proceeded to pick it apart. But that didn't affect me as I place my trust and confidence in a highly trained professional for which I paid good money.

If you have the funds, I really recommend a call to the MB coaches. You can accomplish with them in one short hour, what months of regular MC will NOT accomplish.

Good luck.