It's been 10 days since DDay. We are communicating better and we are spending time together.
I'm having moments of extreme sadness and then moments of extreme rage. Dang, I didn't think I was like this! One minute I want to slap him, the next minute I want to email that tramp with words I haven't used since I was active duty. Then before I know it, I want him to hug me. UGH. It's insane.
I'm finishing up Love Busters, and yes, I'm guilty of some. I finished HN/HN.

Is it normal to obessess about about what your spouse is doing? When I'm not around, I just feel helpless and just assume that he's chatting with her or emailing her. Is this part of the trust thing? Gawd, I just can't let it go. I shouldn't have to let it go, should I? Sorry to be all over the place.

Has anyone seen the end of this rollercoaster tunnel? Is there a chance that if we both work hard that this can create that strong bonded passionate marriage? I'm still passionate towards him, I love him and I adore him. I want to grow old with him and be grandparents together. I want to let go of this horrible nightmare, but I just can't.

rant rant rant. thanks everyone.

RANT ALL YOU WANT. Go off on me if you want to. This will haunt you for quite a while. Its a lot of work. Good luck..Sorry you are here..DUDE

If it's just been 10 days and you're already communicating with him better, then you're doing great IMO.

10 days after my D-day and I wasn't sure yet if I even wanted to stay married to my WH.

and it's been a few months for me now and I still have bad days. It takes time.

Sorry you are here, and yes all of the above is normal. While Plan A'ing my A** off, I cried, puked, screamed, laughed, made love, hugged, snuggled, yelled, planned his/her death, threw food/drinks in my make believe world. prayed, read, vented, washed/dryed clothes, cooked all his favorites while quietly planning to poison him(yes just kidding), wondered if I could get away with poisoning her (watched CSI diligently!, yes once again just kidding) well, kind of.

this rollercoaster ride you won't find at Disney World....hold on...deep breath....hands raised....head back.....open mouth....eyes shut and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Now that made me laugh out loud! That's EXACTLY what I'm feeling!!!

All so very true and normal!

I think you will start to get in the swing of loving plan A soon.

It really was one of the funnest times of my life/marriage. Once my ego understood how it had to watch the show. There were moments of pure Heaven in it. Pure Heaven.

Now, in plan B, I look back at those plan A days as the 'hope' for my WH to have accepted love units in my account and to consider reconsiliation if his A ever goes belly up. The plan A days are a time to reach your highest glory as a Giver.

10 days post Dday? Wow you are WAY further along than I feel I am even now at times...and I am 3 months Dday.

To me what you're feeling is perfectly normal and you seem to doing very well in fact.

I am a big dude, 220lbs, tattoo's all over, sleeved, buzzed hair, Marine, etc, etc. I CRIED everyday for almost 2 months, no exaggeration, every single day. Thats how I coped in some sense. Not to mention therapy and a bunch of soul searching.

YES! It's normal.
You aren't supposed to just let it go. He's supposed to EARN back your trust drop by excruciating drop.

Was the affair exposed?
Is it over?
Has he sent a No Contact (NC) letter?
Do you have access to email accounts, cell phone, everything you want?
Is he willing to get a cellphone with GPS and have it enabled and turned on and with him everywhere he goes?
Is he willing to let you put a key logger on the PC?
If they worked together, has he changed jobs?
If OW lives in your area, have you and your WH talked about moving?

What extraordinary precautions has HE taken to begin earning back your trust?

[censored], I'm sorry you have to be here. But here you will find comfort, support, advice, help and just a lot of loving hugs.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Yesterday, my WW (Wayward wife) took what she could carry and left the house. One of the things she "pinged" me on was that I was on a pendulum: one moment hot, the next cold, one moment endearing, the next moment angry. She said it as if I had regressed into a knuckle-dragging neanderthal.

I told her that I hated being on the pendulum, that I dearly wanted off of it.

That was yesterday. Today, I'm not feeling that wild swing of emotions. Yes, I'm saddened. I feel a vacancy in my life. This site is all about healing and recovery. With or without regaining the marriage.

Ten days ago, the world as you knew it came crashing down. No doubt you've wondered if all you know and believe is wrong. Trust me, I did. You doubt your own self worth, and question whether you did everything you could, and what did you do wrong? Trust me, I did.

The truth is that it takes two to "tango." Whatever your wayward spouse did was NOT YOUR FAULT. You may not have been meeting all of their needs, but the choice to seek an outside relationship is a poor attempt to seek attention, seek approval, and seek validation.

Strong people work to improve their marriage. Then they work harder. And if necessary, they work still harder. Giving up, and throwing oneself into an affair is a WEAKNESS, not a strength.

As the betrayed spouse (BS), it's now up to you to regain your strength. You've been battered and humiliated. Guess what? Your WS has played you. You AREN'T worthless. You AREN'T weak. You AREN'T deserving of the treatment you've received.

We are here to help. This site is like having an angel on your shoulder. When my WW was moving out, I posted a running commentary, and the people here guided me and helped me through the event.

What you are going through is NORMAL. I'm sorry you have to be here, but here you are. I wish I'd found the site earlier, but it quickly became a life-saver to me. As a result, I have been able to find a new perspective and sense of worth, and you will, too.

[censored], from my vantage point, what you've expressed is all normal -- the rapid, up-&-down emotional swings; the feeling of not having control of things; the feeling of not being able to trust, worrying what he's doing when he's out of your sight.

In the days & weeks after I confessed & ended my affair, my wife talked about feeling all of the above. She'd get panic attacks, not knowing what other info might come to light re: the affair. She hated the idea of me even running out to do errands on Saturday mornings out of her sight. Even to a certain extent today, 11 months out, she isn't able to say she completely trusts me 100%, although things have gotten much better in that regard. Her emotional deep-dives are fewer, further-between, and less dark, but even if your H toes the line & throws himself into recovery, it's going to take time.

Improvement has a lot to do with how your H conducts himself, how he does at respecting boundaries, reassuring you, meeting your needs. What things has he done to make things better? In what areas do you think he's falling short? It's huge that you're carving out time together daily. Keep that up.

You're still way early in this process, and I hope he's approaching this with at least a partial understanding that it's going to take months/possibly years -- not just days/weeks -- for you to heal from the hurt he's inflicted on you. [Folks who've been at this way longer than I have say 2 years is a rule-of-thumb.] Anyway, he has to be in for the long haul.

Maybe I can get my wife to swing by your thread soon (she is "Trust_Will_Come"), as she's obviously got a better take than I could ever have on things a betrayed spouse feels.

[Also, just a technical thought: If you like, you could ask the moderators to fold your original "new...unfortunately" post into this thread, so that your story will be all in one place.]

So sorry you are here, CH. I know exactly what you are going through. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Trust doesn't come back easily and it requires the WS to work really hard. My DH, Gloveoil, came clean after a PI exposed the OW to her husband, but there were many days after that when we were exposing to friends for support and accountability that other facts were revealed that would just crush me. I can't tell you how long the pain will last and when you will feel like you're in recovery, but I can tell you every day after D day is an opportunity to heal and grow in your relationship with your spouse. As long as you both are willing to give all your energy to this, you will come out on the other side a stronger, happier couple.

Now as to the advice:

1. Read Surviving an Affair ASAP. It takes the best parts of His Needs, Her Needs, and Lovebusters and gives you a plan to start healing your relationship. I too found that there were many ways I had allowed GO's lovebank to become empty, and that made him vulnerable to an affair. Not an excuse for what he did because he made a choice to cheat, but helped me understand why he was vulnerable.

2. Facetime with your spouse. My DH and I had gotten so busy with the kids, volunteering in our church, and working that we forgot about building our relationship. We made a conscious effort to spend time everyday face to face without distraction so we could reconnect. Alot of those times in the beginning involved crying on my part, but that has gotten so much better!

3. No contact means no contact! About 10 days out from D day, the OW called my DH to tell him that her husband was making threatening comments about exposing my DH to his boss, and she wanted to warn him. How sweet! My DH made sure that a NC message was passed to her through our pastor that we wanted no further contact from her ever again. Thankfully, she obeyed and never called my DH again. She just sent me an apology letter (10 months out) but I chose to ignore it and not respond.

I hope this helps. There are lots of bumps ahead for all of us, but I look forward to where we're going.

CH, welcome to a safe and healing place. We'll help you & your WH recover.
What you're feeling is normal. The worst possible thing in the world has just happened to you. Recognize that for what it is and understand that you are a victim. As a victim of a horrific attack on your M, you may experience some of the following:

1. Panic/despair/happiness/rage/hopelessness/peace/wanting to leave the M - and all that's by the time you've had your first cup of coffee in the morning

2. Anger, to the point of wanting to attack your H and the OW (try to avoid that, ala Tiger & Elin. And me )
3. Strength in yourself and confidence that you are a good and worthy person

4. As you continue to recover your M, you may at times feel euphoria - and you should. What you're accomplishing is a feat that defies many.

You can do this. Your M can recover and be even better. I'm about 10 months into this with my FWH and I can't believe the place we're in now. There is a maturity and bond in our M that was never there before (and before the A, many considered us 'that couple' - the one everyone wanted to be like). I remember being where you are, and it was HELL. You're at the bottom of the mountain. The two of you will be climbing some pretty rocky cliffs. But the journey is worth it.

Listen to Trust_Will_Come and the rest of the posters on here and take our advice to heart. And rant whenever you need to - we're here to listen. You'll never find a more caring, knowing group as the bunch on this site.

Ups and downs. Yesterday was a totally bad emotional day for me. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I'm trying to be more aware of the triggers. I was at work and all of a sudden all the words he wrote to her came flooding through my head and I got angry all over again. I called him just to reassure myself, but of course I was too chicken to say "I'm having a bad day, can you reassure me please?"
I want him to apologize every day until I'm ready to forgive. But that won't happen.

I still want to lash out at the OW, of course. She's the one who persued him and he's a dork for falling for it. She's in another country and I'm pretty sure her goal is to get the US, so now I feel sorry for any other sap out there who falls for it - or his wife more likely. She's a homewrecker. He's an idiot for falling for it.
I just want him to say he's sorry. I want him to mean it. (I think this just turned into a stream-of-concious rant...lol!) All these thoughts I have I have been writing down so we can discuss. I have a 100 questions for him. I don't want the answers to about 90 of them, so I need to weed them down.

Here's where I'm really confused. Why would a usually non-affectionate guy, who spent 10+ years telling me he's not affectionate, then blame my lack of affection (I quit trying after 10 years...hello!? I can only handle so much rejection) for his looking for it elsewhere...now he's afectionate liek I've always wanted, and that's GOOD, but I guess I'm just waiting for the 'honeymoon' period to wear off. It's almost like it's too good to be true.

JUSTIFICATION, BLAMESHIFTING, HISTORY RE_WRITE!!! Give them the finger til they stop it. DUDE

Reward his affection. Show him it can be a great new part of his life, with you.

I think that he, like most people, WANTED affection all his life, but his FOO created who he is - not comfortable in that area. Now he's learning that you can teach an old dog new tricks. Enjoy it.

CH,
Have you two (either individually or together) started reading SAA?

I read it. He still just calls it a "thing" and won't outwardly say "I had an affair." That hurts. I need apologies and acknowledgement if I'm going to start to recover. He's still working to get through LB book. He says over and over that it's "not like I slept with her" and my response is the same - "with the emotional involvement you might as well have, it hurts worse that you were emotionally involved."
Still - you don't tell just a "thing" that you "hope you can press your body so close that your souls touch." - gawd, it's a knife to the heart. And it just replays through my head. He never ever spoke to me like that EVER. Now he's saying he "needs" this kind of 'affection'. Um really? He hasn't needed if for 15 years and totally rejected me for all that time when I needed (yes, past tense) it.
Today is another bad emotional day for me. Going to increase the Zoloft.

I do have to laugh though...the pic's she sent him were from Google Images...LOL!!!! Not even really of her lips or whatever she was sending. I find a little evil joy in that he was having an affair with Google Images.

OK so I had a bit of an epiphany today. The best revenge on the OW (because she's darn lucky to be in another country right now that I'm in the 'anger' phase) is me and my H being HAPPY.

So there. She can kiss my HAPPY REAR!

Dude007,
I'll go off on you.

How many people you kill?