I got stupid this morning and sent my WH a link on affairs and got an email back later. He said that I was thinking he was just having an affair, but that he was happy and even if it didn't last he wasn't coming back home and we were not reconciling. That I just needed to get on with the divorce and other stuff. He basically told me to get over with it and go on.
I am going to go ahead with the divorce like he wants but he will eventually wake up and realize he made a mistake. They are all happy at first because everything is new and rosy. It has not even been 4 months since he left me. I will not have any contact with him until the divorce and no contact with him after the divorce. It hurts for me to do this but I have to protect me and go on with my life.

BS-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old
married 20 yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered the cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH move in OW 7/29/2009

I am doing great right now. I feel great. My WH can't hurt me. I know he wants a divorce but for someone who wanted fast I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks after I told him that my paperwork was filled out and that he needed to fill his out and to fill out the settlement agreement and give it to me to fill out my half and then we would be divorced in 30 days and I didn't want to see him again or hear from him either. I guess I hit a nerve. I finally figured out yesterday that no matter what happens, I WIN. If he comes back and we work on our marriage and make it work, I will be happy and so will he. If he doesn't come back I am still happy with my life and I know that he will realize he screwed up and his affair will be over and he will be miserable. So either way I am happy and I win.

BS-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3 yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 6/30/2009 discovered cell phone calls
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH moves out 7/25/2009
WH moves in with OW 7/29/2009

Good for you!

It is SO common here, that the BW reaches the same conclusion you did, and the WH goes 'whoa! wait a minute' - they never expect the woman to be relieved to be rid of him. I wonder if people have written books about this phenomenon. They should.

Traci -- just protect your finances. I seem to recall that your income is higher than his, but watch any joint lines of credit including credit cards. My WH has taken every last dime from every line to support his "habit." I should have frozen these accounts at the beginning but I didn't.

And try to determine any "noncommunal" spending he did prior to separation. If he spent money on the OW, then he will be liable for this.

You need to cripple him financially if you can. He and OW may end up together in a SHACK but that's his choice.

I ditto what HH said. Also make sure you have something in your settlement/separation agreement/divorce or whatever document holds water in your state that prevents you from being liable for any credit he starts up in the future. WXH tried to open a CC at the Brick and some other store using my information. He also put my phone number on a lot of applications (when they called, I gave them his current phone number). The other thing he did which was sneaky and rotton was he had my mail forwarded so I wouldn't get my bills. I managed to fix everything except one which he managed to transfer to e-billing to his email address. It was the hot-water heater rental which was only $20 every three months, so it wasn't something I had to watch or pay attention to. I had sent them a void check, but then the company changed hands and they needed a new one for automatic payment. Of course, they only contacted me by email, so he got the info and didn't pass it on to me. I didn't find out until it went to collection. His whole purpose for this was to ruin my credit. Nothing more.

Ditto, Tabby1. And run a free credit report on both you and WH. You'll be able to answer the few questions they ask of him -- which will be YOU. There are three companies that do this for free -- don't pay for any service or give them a credit card number. My suggestion is to run one every few months. Since you can access each one once a year, use one one month, then another in 4 months, then another in 4 months, etc. And do yours the same. These don't give you a credit score, but that's OK. I got mine through a mortgage broker friend -- for free.

This gives you a snap shot of what accounts are open as joint and individual, the balances, payment history, etc. You can see if he's opened up any in his own name, too.

You might not think he's willing to ruin your finances but -- trust me -- OW doesn't care who she ruins -- especially if she's already in a financial mess. She will turn to him to pay off her credit cards, help with the bills, gas up her car, pay her dentist bill -- WHATEVER. She feels "entitled" to him and he becomes her hero.

Regardless of his income, if he has access to money -- even YOUR money -- he will use it to further the fantasy.

Good point HH - do NOT underestimate the influence of OW on YOUR finances. She truly is a threat. The OW in my sitch actually made a few steps towards figuring out how to get CS out of ME for her DD!!!! As nutty as it sounds, WXH blasted the crap out of me for refusing!!!!

We are doing a simplified dissolution of marrigae in which we split our assests. We don't have any credit cards in both of our names and I have already frozen everything so far. I have my own checking account at another Credit union in my maiden name and only my oldest daughter has access to the account and she hates her Dad for what he did to me and to our family. He cannot afford a lawyer because all his money goes to bills and the OWhas to support him and she doesn't make anything. WH has to sell his pickup truck but I doubt he will be able to because he is upside down by $3000. I have also changed all my passwords to my accounts and email. I get all my bills sent to my email account except for a few that are mailed to my house and they are in my name. I know when all my bills are due and pay them 2 weeks before they are due anyway.

BS-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yr with 2 and 3 yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Sounds like you have it together but just be forwarned that he can (and likely will) try to use your name to get credit in the future. You usually can't do it with visa or master card, but it's done all the time with department store cards. The clause I have in my LSA to protect me from this is this:

"Neither party shall pledge the credit of the other or bind the other for debt. If either party has pledged the credit of the other, they will be responsible for reimbursement of debt and legal costs to have the debt removed."

It seems strange that I haven't heard from WH in over 3 weeks. He kept bugging me about wanting a divorce and now I don't hear from him. I hope he is having second thoughts about everything since I told him I wanted him to hurry up with the divorce so I wouldn't have to hear from him or see him ever again, (even though I still want to reconcile). Maybe if he thinks I don't care anymore the fog will lift a little faster. I pray to G-d everyday for chaos, financial woe and whatever He can do to make it harder for my WH to continue in his affair. I also pray for his return. His leaving has brought me closer to G-d than ever before. I have always prayed to Him but this is the first time I have really ever asked for anything for myself and meant it. I know that if I have faith and do not doubt that whatever I pray for I will get. I also prayed that G-d would put obstacles in the way of the divorce and maybe that is what is happening. I am definitely putting everything in G-d's hands and I will keep praying. I just wonder what is going through my WH's mind right now.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3 yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left home 7/25/2009
WH moves in with OW 7/29/2009

Please read some more here at MB. You'll see that wayward spouses WANT to keep their spouse AND the affair partner, too. Because both women meet SOME of their needs. They WANT both women meeting needs. It's what makes it comfortable - and exciting.

The sooner you stop meeting his needs (by going to Plan B), the sooner he'll see that she is NOT a suitable partner. She's only good for SEX.

I have no contact with him whatsoever. They only reason I had any cntact with him by email was just for the divorce. I am not meeting any of his needs right now. I quit having any contact with him a long time ago because everytime I did I would cry and I didn't need that and that was before I found MB. I have blocked him from everything except emailing me and that was with the stipulation that it was about the divorce only and he had to behave or I would block him again from that. I just can't figure out why I haven't heard from him about the divorce since he wanted one so bad.

But that's the point. He didn't really WANT the divorce. He wanted both of you. He wanted you to BEG him not to divorce you to give him an ego boost. Now that you've removed yourself, all his grand plans have fallen apart.

Thanks, catperson, I guess I needed someone to tell me that. I just wish I knew what he was up to, it makes me nervous not knowing what he will do next. I do not want a divorce, I would like to reconcile but on my terms using everything I have learned from reading Dr.Harley's books. The only reason I agreed to the divorce to begin with was because he was getting ugly and I figured if I gave him what he wanted then maybe he would regret it as soon as he got what he wanted. My Mom thinks that the reason I haven't heard from him is because he thinks that I will contact him first because I want him so bad. I told her that it would be a cold day in you know where before I contacted him. He has always been the one to try to do the contacting first. I think that the reason he has been pushing for the divorce is because of her pushing him to do it and I bet he doesn't realize that her husband just filed 6 weeks ago instead of 3 1/2 months ago like he said she did. It will take months for them to get a divorce because of the 2 children.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and stil married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moves in with OW 7/29/2009

Just got back from seeing my therapist and she said I was doing fine and moving in the right direction. I wasn't just going to work and sitting at home. I have been going out with my friends and painting my bathroom and bedroom and I have plans to redo my livingroom next. She said it was good to redo everything and start fresh. She said I have a good outlook on things because I said I win no matter what the outcome and that even if he is happy later on down the road I will be okay and not resent that he is happy. I am doing fine right now. I asked about coming off of my Lexapro and she said that was okay and if I was having problems in about a month then we would switch me to something else. The reason I want to come off is because I have gained 20# since I have been on it and it is interferring with my work as an ICU nurse. I can't seem to concentrate at work and I feel numb and not really there. I have been making mistakes and I don't like that and others have noticed as well. I talked to my therapist about this web site and she knows about Dr.Harley and she is onboard with him. She said if my WH comes back that he would have to follow the advice given by Dr.Harley if he wants to start over and have a better marriage. She said she would counsel us both to help us. She agrees that my WH likes having 2 women wanting him and thinks that he knows I still want him back even though I haven't contacted him in almost 4 weeks. The last thing I told him was that once the divorce is through I didn't want to see or hear from him again and that is true unless he wants to reconcile. I actually made it through this counseling session without crying and I haven't cried in a month. I actually feel great about everything. I told my therapist that I actually think that my WH will eventually come back I just didn't know when. She feels he will too. So far she has been right about everything since I started seeing her and I started seeing her before my WH left me. My mother even likes her.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and 3yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 21yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day #2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moed in with OW 7/29/2009

Is your WH fat or in good shape? I'm curious..DUDE

I wish you would ask your dr to give you a different prescription, not just let you go off of it. You're coming up on holidays, and I don't think you'll be able to handle it without ADs.

WH is a diabetic and has high cholesterol but had finally gotten down to 180# with me encouraging him to lose the weight and with me getting him to work out at the gym with me. He lost 55# over about a year and went off of his diabetic medication but wasn't monitoring his blood sugar. I think if he was still 235# she wouldn't have looked twice at him and he was losing the weight before she ever started working at his previous job. I bet he need to go back on his medication again but now he won't be able to afford it because we just had our drop/add on the insurance this past month and he will be uninsured come January 1st. I have no idea what he looks like now but I do know that he hasn't been working out since September. I also know that he has started up smoking again after quiting for almost 19yrs( that is what guilt will do to you). My WH is a handsome man and looked great when he left me but like I said I have no idea what he looks like now. Knowing him he has put on weight.

As for me, I am going to wean myself off of the Lexapro and stop it so I should be okay. I can handle stress very well but couldn't handle my husband leaving me at first. My therapist and doctor are going to watch me closely, especially my doctor since I see him at the hospital almost every day that I work.

Yeah, the Karma is headed for him. Maybe he can sing the song w/ those little kids he is living with! "The wheels on the karma bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. The wheels on the karma bus go round and round, all around the town." DUDE

Traci,
Glad to see you feel better about whatever outcome. The more you work on yourself the more empowered you will feel.

Gg