Did you ever expose what she did - all of it - to everyone in her family and the OM's families?

I exposed to all her family and friends. They are all disgusted with her. I don't have a way of contacting OM's family. My wife is still mad that I exposed. She says this is none of their business and that I should keep the details to myself.

She refuses to take any ownership for her actions. She says she is "sorry she hurt me" but I have yet to see any true remorse or sorrow for her actions...she continues to have an affair, so that shows you just how sorry she is.

Yeah, I'd move forward with Plan D then.

That is kind of how I feel...it is tough though. I wish there were a way to make it work, but I feel like there would be a very high likelihood of a false recovery, future affairs and a generally unhappy marriage where my EN's are not being met.

Did you give us details? M how long? Kids? yours? hers? how many

how long has A been going on? Dr. H says about 2 years. Can you make it that long?

You know what? Why don't you reinstitute the Plan B, and work that through the holidays. Don't make a decision until January. Sometimes, being cut off for the holidays can have a VERY powerful effect.

But you will have to do a REAL Plan B.

Married 8 yrs. She has been having an EA for over a year and a PA with a different guy for 3 months. 2 kids together - ages 5 and 3. More details are in my original post on this thread. I had an earlier thread that was lost in the crash.

There is no way I could sit back while she has an affiar for 2 yrs. 3 months has been killing me. I want to get on with my life with or without her. I am going out of town to see my family with the kids for Christmas. We will see how she reacts to that.

Ed, I am pro-marriage, but in your case, I think you should move forward with divorce and only stop if she does the things on your list. There is a very small likelihood of her changing and if you don't move on with your divorce while the getting is good, you may lose the advantage LEGALLY. And your kids damn well need you to WIN legally. You are all they have.

My suggestion is to move forward and only drop the divorce if she makes a dramatic, earth shattering change. And I am not talking about a "promise" to change, but a demonstrated change of character. Even if that means going through with the divorce and getting remarried. You and your kids have too much to lose if you wait around for miracles or promises. Your kids need you to be decisive and act in their best interests. Your W has some serious problems and your kids need maximum protection from that.

Maybe you told me this, but do your parents know all about this and are they supporting you?

Move forward, Ed.

ML - yes my parents do know everything and are 100% supportive. I know they are hoping I will divorce her and move on but they would be supportive of me if I were to give reconciliation a chance. Slim chance of that happening because I seriously doubt she will commit to make the changes that are needed.

On another note, her parents and step mom and siblings also know everything and are disgusted with her. Her dad actually told me that I should "fast-track" this and move on. If that is not telling I don't know what is...

I'm curious...what are they telling HER?

I'm not really sure what they are telling her...I know her dad and step mom have not said much to her. Her mom has told her that she is making a huge mistake.

She will not listen to anyone else at this point. She says that "she just wants to be happy" and she does not think she could ever be truly happy with me. She is meeting with the pastor from my church on Saturday, so that should be an interesting conversation. I have a feeling he is going to lay into her with a heavy dose of honesty and reality.

So I gave it over the holidays and there has been no change in my WW's behavior. She visited her sister for Christmas so spending the holidays without me and the kids did not phase her. She is planning a weekend trip with the OM over New Years.

I am moving forward with the D. I talked to her yesterday and she says that she just can't see herself being happy in a marriage with me. Same things she was saying 4 months ago. The most frustrating thing about all of this is that I am a very rational person and I keep trying to understand her behavior and it makes no sense!!! I know I need to stop because it will drive me crazy. I will never understand.

She says that I am a great guy but that I was not romantic or creative enough with her. WTF? She needs to be "loved and adored" She also says that she never loved my personality...she just married me because I was a nice, good-looking, succesful guy and that I would take care of her. She acknowledges all I did for her in terms of working hard, helping with the kids and allowing her to go to school and go out with friends whenever she wanted. But she says she needed more. The OM showers her with affection, compliments, creative dates, etc. She just hated the lifestyle of having responsibility as a mother. Says she felt trapped.

All things considered I know I need to move on. She is a liar and a cheater who has shown no remorse. Oh...and she has oral herpes too...a present from the OM!! Nice catch, right??

It is just very tough. Part of me thinks that she will snap out of this and come to her senses. But in my heart, I feel like she is broken beyond repair and that I will be much better off without her.

It is just tough...she basically dumped me for a very average looking, somewhat overweight idiot who feels it is okay to have an affair with a married woman with 2 kids. But he has a "killer personality" she says. Like I said it makes absolutely no sense and never will. Oh well...time to move on.

If you feel like you want a D and that it is the best thing for you then, no one can argue.

However, rushing to get into another relationship is not going to be a positive step for you or ther other person.

Give yourself some time to heal and get your emotions back on track before getting involved with someone else.

Sounds like you are rushing a new relationship too much. If she is there now, she will still be there in a few months.

This is driving me crazy!! I am having a real tough time with letting go for some reason. I just talked to my wife and she said she would think about talking to Dr. Harley. At first she said no way, that there was no point. She says she used to love me, but at some point the switch was turned off and she doesn't think it can ever be turned on again. I explained that Dr Harley has helped hundreds of couples fall in love again and she said she would think about it.

Then I get off the phone and ask myself what the hell am I doing. I know she can be a good person. But then again, she can be selfish and lazy. She runs away from responsibility or anything in life that is difficult. I just don't know what to think anymore.

When I step back and assess the situation logically, I tell myself to move on. Everyone...my friends and family, even her family tells me to move on. Maybe my feelings are just normal for someone who is nearing a divorce and has 2 wonderful kids involved. I think a call with Dr Harley is worth a shot...maybe I am just hoping for a miracle that will never happen???

I just don't want to prolong the inevitable. Recovering from this would take a lot of work on both sides and I just don't think she has it in her. It is the loss of a dream and our life together which is tearing me up.

I know she wants me to send her flowers, cards or anything to show that I am fighting for her. I have not done any of this since she moved out and continued her affair. I told her the affair needs to stop, but she wants me to show her why she should come back to me. She feels like I am degrading her and placing all the blame on her, so that is why she wants nothing to do with me and thinks there is no hope for us.

Part of me thinks that my feelings are normal and I just need to deal with them and move on. But there is also a part of me that is still hoping that she will come around. This is such a mess!!

Any thoughts or advice???

ED, listen to others, like her family. That is huge. Igot the same advice from my XWW's family, to get out asap.
These folks know her. They care about you.
When you are getting this type of advice from a WS's family, it is pretty clear that the WS is badly broken.
I bet these folks have been biting their tongues for years, hoping she had changed. She is damaged goods and you can start over with a healthy woman once you heal.

Zelmo - thanks for your advice! I feel the same way when I think about this logically. My brother in law told me that he was "tired of biting his tounge" and to divorce her and not look back.

I guess its just tough going through with it no matter how obvious a decision it is...

Killer personality? rofl.




yes SIR This sounds like good advice. I strongly suspect your WW has deep problems that she will cover up for the rest of her life

No problem, ed. I know this is not easy. Even when they are so badly messed up, leaving them is the death of a dream.
I have talked to a lot of BSs and you are really fortunate to have her family supporting you. I was, too.
But, it is rare. When these folks, the people that should be most inclined to view her favorably, tell you to run, you need to listen. I would bet they have been witness to all types of bizarre behaviors throughout her life.
She truly does sound like a woman with a personality disorder from what you describe.

Ed, unless she finds you unapproachable, she has not put any fight into the marriage at all. Marriage is work and she wants luxury.

Methinks that the only way that she will maintain that luxury is to continually start a relationship with people. She is a parasite. She is a vampire to your soul.

Soonest left is soonest mended!