My story is convoluted and complex and I am not 100% sure it belongs on the infidelity board. I'm not 100% sure it doesn't either. So, here goes.

My husband is an alcoholic and has been severely depressed. The drinking increased to the point where I rarely saw him except in passing and those interactions were terse. I know I have been depressed too and I think a big part of the reason is my husband's disease and not knowing how to reach him. We have been married for 3 years, together for 5. No children together but I have two from a prior marriage and he has one and also has custody. Monday night, he packed everything of his and his daughter's he could fit in his SUV and left for Florida. We live in Texas. He had been planning, he says for 2 months to do this. He transferred his job to the Florida location and gave up his position here. Nobody, including his friends and family had any idea of this. His original plan was to leave in the night when I was at work so that I would come home to find them gone. I was sick that evening and he had to leave with me there. His daughter knew nothing of this until he was almost ready to walk out the door. He did not properly withdraw her from school either. When he left, he left his cell phone and wedding ring on the kitchen counter and me terrified and in hysterics.

For 1.5 days, I had no way to reach him though I later found out he already had a phone with a Florida number. He made this drive alone with his daughter. I was not sure if that was even where he was really going.

I checked the cell phone bill and noticed a number in Florida, in the same office where the office is kept appearing on his line. Numerous calls to this number at different times of the day, some brief and some over an hour long. I called the number and got a woman's voicemail. I left a message for my husband to please contact me. When I called back, the line was blocked.

The next day, he called me after he arrived in Florida from his number. We talked for quite a while. He told me that he felt a great sense of relief and had no desire to drink since he left and hadn't had a drink since Sunday night. Keep in mind, this is man who got intoxicated at home 6-7 nights a week for the past several months at least. He said he has to build his life from the ground up and he doesn't think he wants to repair our marriage. To say I was emotional is an understatement. How could I not be? I asked him who this woman is. He said she is a co-worker he is cohabitating with for financial reasons and a good friend. I know he had never met this woman prior except through job interactions and on the phone so any "affair" would be emotional and not physical.

Each time I have spoken with him, it has been like speaking to a different person. At times, it seemed we were able to break some ground and I heard bits and pieces of the man I married coming out. He did not always drink this way and our relationship used to be amazing and even he agreed to this. He acknowledged that he was hearing bits of the woman he loved come out too and I felt a bit of hope. He said he has to "work on himself" and I have to "work on myself". He says many contradictory and confusing things.

"I don't think I know what love is anymore."

"You don't even care about my happiness. I don't think I want to work anything out. I mourn the loss of our friendship which is what everything else is based on and I guess since I care about the friendship, I don't know that the relationship isn't salvageable."

"I am scared of you. I think if you put your arms around me I would start shaking."

We had sex Sunday night and he certainly did not seem scared of me then. The behavior is so erratic and not like the man I married. I am left with a mortgage and every single bill to contend with and I don't know how I am going to make it.

We have certainly had our issues but my attempts to get him to open up to me in any way have been unsuccessful and I believe the alcohlism is a big part of it.

I have many concerns about his living arrangement. He has made statements like:

"She is very motherly and a lot like me. She is a nice person and a good friend."

"I did not come here for that (referring to sex) but if it would help justify your fears I can try to initiate it with her. I think it would be a good way to be kicked out on the street with no place to live though."

When asked about him developing a different type of relationship with this woman:

"I don't know what is going to happen in the future, 2,3,4 years from now."

He also said he is picking up a futon tonight so that he no longer has to sleep on the floor.

I am bewildered, terrified and grief stricken. He said his head has felt more clear since he left than it has in a long time but some of the things he says indicate otherwise to me. He went as far as to say that I was "lovely" after one of our conversations regarding the way we were speaking to each other and he has kept his promises of calling me and at the times he says since he got there.

My husband is the only father my son has ever known. He is only 6 and having a very hard time. He left Monday night and today at lunch is the first time I have had a bite to eat since then. I am grief stricken, scared and I miss my husband so much. He says he does not know if the man I married still exists yet I have seen glimpses of him since talking to him over the past couple of days.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts on this? I am completely at a loss and barely hanging on by a thread.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have a support system in TX?

I am the FWW in our situation. My A hurt my H in ways he had never been hurt. I can only imagine how you must be feeling, especially with him just leaving like that. Try to make yourself eat and sleep, even though it is hard. You have to keep your strength up for yourself and your children. Depression can be a serious thing. Do you have any medication for it? My H took some AD's for awhile after our D-Day. I don't know if he could have made it without them.

There are a lot of great people here, and several of them have dealt with alocoholism. Hopefully they will pick up your thread soon. The weekends are slow, so don't be too discouraged if it seems to take awhile.

The PRIMARY issue is alcoholism.
Has he ever lost a job, been arrested, or otherwise suffered consequences for his drinking?

You need treatment as the sober al-anon spouse.
You need to learn how to stop fixing your H.

His words are nothing but TYPICAL of an alcoholic making excuses. Very much playing the "victim card".

Thank you for the kind words. I do have a support system here, thank God! My mother and friends have done so much to help with kids and household things over the past few days. One of my friends "made" me meet her for lunch today and it was the first time I have left the house since Sunday. I could barely keep the car in the lane and got lost 4 times even though I knew exactly where I was going. I have been to the point of lying in my bed, screaming hysterically. I have never been so scared in my life and I never thought a human being could feel this much pain.

I have thought about seeing a doctor about medication but I am hesitant to rely on medication. It may come to that though.

Pepperband, I have long felt that the priamry issue is alcoholism. I am glad that someone else reached that conclusion immediately as well. It makes me feel less crazy. He acknowledges that he is an alcoholic but by what he said about "not wanting a drink since he left", that to me STRONLY implies that he is blaming me for the drinking. He said that he can stop on his own and the more I push him to get help the more likely he is to push back and want to prove that he can do it on his own. Of course he has quit before.... for a few days.

He has never suffered any consequences. He always drinks at home and never gets behind the wheel. He has always been a very high functioning alcoholic and very dedicated to his job. He has worked for the same company for 12 years.

That's the same sort of bullhockey I used to spew when I was drinking. "I have a job. I'm not hurting anyone." Yeah, right.

Until my FXW took our daughter and left, because she was so afraid of what my drinking might do to her.

It took a little over a year after for me to hit bottom and get sober. I spent a number of years making amends to those I had harmed with my drinking -- my XW and DD first, foremost, and always.

No drunk gets sober unless he wants to. So, if you can, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. You may hate it at first, but you will find that, like this place, there is a lot of support for you that you just don't know about, yet.

My story in a very condensed version:

My H had a 2 year EA/PA.
His drinking escalated during the A.

Once the A was exposed, H said to me:

"I'll stop drinking." (he stopped the A immediately)

I said:
"Unless you are going to AA, you cannot live with us." (me and kids)

And it was not an idol threat.
I'd made up my mind. I would NOT live with a wet or a dry drunk. Period.

I highly recommend that YOU need treatment.
I did.
You do as well.

Go to a month of al-anon meetings.
Shop around, meetings vary.

YOU are 1/2 of an alcoholic marriage.
You must concentrate on fixing yourself.
You must detach from the habit of attempting to help or fix your WH.
Unless WH fixes himself all your efforts are spit into Katrina strength winds.

You absolutely cannot effectively deal with the adultery while WH is drinking.
The adultery is PART of his disease.

Wet drunk : still boozing

Dry drunk : someone who has stopped drinking, but who still demonstrates the same alcoholic behaviors and attitudes.



It's NOT just the drinking.
It's the attitude of "poor me" and "where's mine?" and "not fair".

Pepperband, the only thing is I am not 100% sure he is committing adultery. He says he absolutely is not but I think there is more to his distance relationsip with this woman than I am being told. Every time I fall asleep, which has not been much, I wake up in a panic, somethimes screaming, over dreams about him and this woman. I told him about them and he said, "Well, that is not what I was doing last night."

I don't know what to make of the whole thing. He is halfway across the continent from me and I really have no idea if the magnitude of what he has done is going to hit him and he will return to Texas or not. I tend to think it will but I have no clue when that may be. I think he has been on an adrenaline rush and busy with the move and starting work at the new office today. He currently has many distractions. Right now, he sounds like he has convinced himself that fleeing is the best option for him now. Every single person I have talked to is completely confounded by his actions and cannot believe he did it. Every single person, including his mother, has said this just does not sound like him His mother said he sounds like he is completely gone.

My heart is breaking at the thought of him staying under the same roof with some strange woman, even if they are just friends.

Pepperband, I really appreciate your responses. I have looked into al anon meetings in DFW and there is one not too far from me tonight. If my mother gets here in time to watch kids I may try to drag myself there.

What should I expect from one of these meetings?

The odds of him committing adultery is close to 97% and you can count on your gut feelings about 97% of the time. WHAT IS YOUR GUT TELLING YOU?! DUDE

Support.
Expect to feel some resistance to al-anon at first - you'll want to continually discussing H's problems, and you will be encouraged NOT to do that.
You will be annoyed (at first) because the focus is on you and your problems.

LOL

Alcoholics lie.
And as the lie passes their lips they believe the lie themselves.

The phone calls, the change in personality, the escalated drinking, the blameshifting, the sudden move to another state...he is having an affair. So sorry.

Double that with waywards lie as well.

This is 100% bullchit.
"just friends"

At any rate, he's going to go if he's going to go, and the only thing you control is your response.

Do not:
nag
beg
cry
plead
reason
argue
fight
pout
repeatedly say "I love you"


Instead, ask simple questions. Such as:
How long will you be away from home?
How much financial support are you going to provide for me?
Do you want to be notified in the event of an emergency? How?
Will you be taking all your clothing?
Etc.

Just listen to him and avoid making any suggestions.

And secure your finances NOW!

You just described my WW to a "T."

Well, I guess the email he was thoughtful enough to send me answers all my questions.

"The minutes are gone on the phone and I will not be able to talk. It is not easy for me to get to where I have internet access either. Please work to take care of yourself.

I have felt like I've been tranpled by you for so long now and used. You know this. I went from feeling used to feeling hurt to trying to drink to numb the pain to just wanting to die. I tried to be a father to Josh but I feel like I was blocked by both you and your mother. I do care for you both but I can not just die. I wish you could have realized these things and communicated them to me long ago.

I am happy here like I haven't been happy in so long. I really enjoy being with Cindy. She's drawn me out of my shell and made me really smile to where I feel it with my whole body and soul. I know that's not what you want to hear at all but it is the truth. I have no desire to drink. I have not since I left you. I don't want to numb what I feel with her. I am filing for divorce. When Cindy and I are able to get internet and land line we can discuss terms and stuff but that is what I want.

If you think that it would not hurt Josh more, I would like to be in his life. I would like to talk to him and for him to visit. That is up to you though. I will not be able to talk this weekend I know. I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear but I died inside with you... and now I'm finally starting to heal and experience joy. What we had at one time was real, but it died horribly and almost killed us both. I'm not coming back Liz. You have poured your soul out to me as I have poured mine out to you, and I appreciate it. I wish it had happened long before. You still think that you know what's best and I know nothing. You talk about having to try to hold everybody together when you are barely able to hold yourself together and that's what I feel I have been doing for years.

I do care, but I'm not going to die or give up the chance to heal and live."

Needless to say, I am crushed.

I'd say that it's 100% an affair.

Blameshifting is the way they all justify cheating. You are only responsible for 50% of the state of your marriage prior to the cheating. He is 100% responsible for cheating.

Do NOT accept the blame for HIS decision to have an affair.

EXPOSE the affair to everybody...his family, your family, the HR department at his work. Throw a monkey wrench into that imaginary life he thinks he's going to have with Cindy.

And, yes, go to Al-Anon. You can only fix yourself...not him.