That's been my experience, too. And they seem to be the only game in (Internet) town, too.

how do i deal with the anger that comes from the exposing? Doesn't exposing go against Plan A?

I know I need to expose and I have to everyone I can think of with exception of her family only because I have been unsuccessful at finding them. Even had a PI tell me to just get a Lawyer and a separation and forget about him. Of course I said "thanks for your advice" and hung up.

I exposed to family and friends, their work and even an online RPG game that my WH plays all of the time (he now changed the password on that too I bet he was ticked off when he found out)

I have to wait until their work party on Saturday (which I believe WH will be attending with OW) for a friend of mine to talk to the girl who called me 2 years ago and ask her to call me and talk to me about what she sees at work etc.

Exposing the A is part of Plan A. It's part of the "stick" portion of the carrot and the stick.

Not the PI's job. I've had people tell me the same thing.

ROFL!

Still Plan A-ing like crazy. I really hope this works. I have my fingers and toes crossed but sometimes I just feel like it is a lost cause. Is that normal? I know that this is a long process and I have read enough on here to know that I am actually on the hardest part.

I think I would feel a bit better if he actually WANTED to work on it but he says there is nothing there. Sometimes when I read the articles and letters I feel like they aren't talking to me because they always talk about people who are both willing to work at it.

I guess that's why I have to go into a dark Plan B, but I have a question too.

I was reading something Harley wrote about NOT separating because it actually is worse. I got a bit confused because if I am planning on it, is that the best choice?

Deep down it seems like it, but these doubts creep in.

Most of the people I talk to have said he will come back eventually when he realizes what he has done but I have one friend who said she doesn't think he would because he is too stubborn. That little doubt was planted in my head and now I am losing a bit of HOPE and diving right into FEAR and WORRY.

Sorry but I just need a little boost.

Exposure WORKS. Look at my signature.

Yes, WH was beyond MAD. I exposed to our friends, some of his co-workers, my family, his family, the HR at both his jobs, some people on Facebook including one of WH's family members.

He raged for days and days. He continually told me he was f*** off everyone. He continually told me to go sleep with someone else. He verbally abused me. He refused to sleep in the same bed with me. He messed up our D's mind. He destroyed some things in our house - I had to threaten to report the police on him. He threatened suicide (I found out much later on that he never really meant this). All because he wanted me to back off and let him carry on with his As.

I had to stay firm. I had to become a broken record - "your actions caused this" and change the subject or leave the room. Sometimes I even had to leave the house for a short while because I was overwhelmed by his anger and behaviors.

Several people here on MB felt that what he was doing was beyond the norm for a WS. As it turns out, he has always had an addictive personality, and that for years I had been allowing him to push my boundaries back.

Just stay strong. Your H's anger means exposure is working! If he was not reacting at all, you'd have to be worried.

You know what your number one tool is? Losing your fear. Realizing that this is ALL in God's hands, you have NO control, you WILL survive without him if you have to (you did before him, didn't you?).

Once you reach that point, and stop acting out of fear of ticking him off, YOU will have all the power. Because the ONE thing he has on you - deciding whether to 'favor' you with his presence - will no longer be an issue.

And, yes, you are supposed to make him angry by exposing. He would never have the shock he needs to make a decision without it. Anger means your exposure is working.

His anger isn't really coming out right now it is more subtle like in the silent treatments, the avoiding me and changing passwords to block me out of things. I know it isn't a healthy way for him to act but it is what he is doing.

I know I CAN survive without him, I just don't WANT to. If someone could tell me that I would have to deal with this for x number of years than I would get through. I know that may sound a bit silly but that is what I am feeling right now and I figure that if I am honest about my feelings on here maybe someone else will see that they are not alone.

Feeling alone is the hardest part especially when EVERYONE in my real life all say they would not do this. They would just kick him out and move on. I even have people telling me to just go find someone else. I am NOT doing that but how can they even think that way? Do they not feel anything for their spouses? Well, I guess that is enough sadness for today. Cleaning house outta stuff that is not needed anymore.

Thanx again for everything, everyone.

Outside of my family, everyone else told me the same thing. I realized they didn't understand what I was going through. That they would never understand unless they were in my shoes. A good friend repeatedly asked me: "Are you SURE you want to do this? Are you SURE?" A typical response from many was "Wow! You are one strong woman."

Anyway, I'm not sure what your H's reactions mean, but the fact that he is reacting at all I think is still a good sign. Hope vets can give perspective on this.

But this is the thought process I'm trying to get you to look at. You're acting like what YOU do can change what HE does. Yes, that's kind of the ethereal spirit behind MB, but it's not the tangible one.

The tangible spirit here is that, once you've been dealt such a blow, the #1 thing you can do, from this day forward, is say to yourself "Today, I start living for myself. I build my own integrity. I improve myself. I learn to love myself. Once I accomplish that, if he/she comes back, it's an added bonus, because I'll be ready to move forward with my life in a better way. But if he/she doesn't, I'm still ok, because look at all I've done for myself."

As to your timeline, if you follow the MB plans, and after you have been in Plan B for 2 years he still shows no signs of coming back, THAT is when you give up hope and let go at last. (This in no way negates cat's excellent advice to focus on yourself, and the things you can control.)

Some people give up sooner and that's their choice. I have no argument with that. But if you follow Dr. H's ideal scenario, he says nearly all A's end within 2 years.

You have LOTS AND LOTS of hope. The blacker it looks, the more God is working on your behalf in ways you may not see for many months.

If you follow Pepo's advice to go to Plan B right before Christmas, I see no harm in waiting till then to complete your exposure, even if you find the OW's info before then. If you absolutely can't dig up any info on her let me know and I may be able to help.

Anger and Plan A see each other pretty regularly, actually. Since even the nice things you do will often anger a WS, there's plenty of anger. What you don't want to do is make them angry through LB's. That is what you need to avoid, not the anger itself.

As far as a separation, it is risky, yes. However, when you balance the risk of a separation and chance of recovery (around 80% success with MB methods) versus the risk from staying together too long and you losing all love for your WH and any desire to recover (this risk goes up every single day he slashes away at you with the pain of his betrayal), your odds are far better with separating in Plan B.

Additionally, staying too long will exhaust you physically and mentally, putting you in a more precarious position entering recovery. I can tell you firsthand how hard it is to try and recover from this after pushing to the very limits of endurance. It is something I would spare anyone willing to listen.

Save yourself a reserve. You're very likely to need it.;)

Thanx Neak I think i understand a little better now. I know that Plan A and Plan B are supposed to be for me and I guess I kinda lost sight of that.

It is hard sometimes with my family and friends because I feel like I have to constantly defend my position over and over again instead of them just accepting that this is what I am trying to do and this is what in my HEART feels right. I was so lost before I found MB and I feel like it was a HUGE light shone on my sitch.

I am gonna do my best and that's all I can ask of myself I guess. BTW my books arrived today so I will be reading whenever WH is not around.

Why are you hiding it from him?

Yes, Scotland, let your WH know you want to save your M.

Just don't tell him of this forum.

Typical script for anyone who has NOT actually experienced this themselves. Ask the doubters to give you a hug and keep you in their hearts.

Hang in there, I think you're doing GREAT!

At the very least, you are proving to yourself just how strong and principled you are under duress. It's "easy" to be strong when things are going your way.

okay I guess I will read it while he is around. I was having a bad day and then I kept thinking about what I want to accomplish and that I need to feel better. I think it is because I am having a hard time sleeping but I am getting better at that too.

Every new thing that happens reopens the wound. I now see how Plan A really can't be long term because his alien is a bad one compared to the H I used to know.

He is really trying to avoid me and now he is trying to be extra good with the kids including baking brownies with them on Sunday which of course I praised and said they tasted amazing when he said they were gross.

He is sleeping further and further away from me too I think he is going to fall off soon (teehee) and I realized that he sleeps close when he is comfortable with what is going on and things are going as planned and moving away when they aren't to his liking.

I am taking time reacting to things that I find out too.

Enough writing for today. Off to bed

All of the feelings that you talk about while in this frustrating and crazy Plan A,
I felt them too, and from what I've read from others, they are par for the course.

The trick is to remain in control of your actions/reactions.

I was also questioned by some GF's, on whether or not I was sure I was doing the right thing, by staying and fighting for my M.
I suspect that these GF's, who were married, had not ever had to deal with adultery.
Others admired the strength that it took. I relied on these people for more strength.

Almost everyone questioned my tactics while I was in Plan A, had never heard of such a bizarre way of dealing with this.
They had also never heard of Dr. Harley or MB.

Some tactics to get you through this mind sucking, and heart wrenching Plan A .....

Keep up with the looking good, our outlook is better when we look great. Nice toes, great hair, some make up,
all areas trimmed/shaved .... everything in tact!

Pamper yourself, soothing hot baths turn out the lights, add some aromatherapy candles and soft music,
and just relax into never never land .....

If your budget can handle it, get a massage, a lymph drainage massage is to die for!

Take up a new interest or revive an old one, steer your thinking to something that you find enjoyable.

Get your exercise, the endorphins that are released will rejuvenate you for the day. I took up running again,
something that I let slip. Not only did I feel better physically, it gave me time unscramble all of the
thoughts whirling in my head.

Have some outlet where you can scream if you need to, I used to scream at my oven (I know it's weird)
This may not work for you, I don't know.
After my WH would leave the house and I had listened to his babble, I just needed to scream at something.

You are doing well, keep it up, you can do this, you really can!

Thanx I will try all of it. What I do when I am upset is drive in my car with some really loud music and scream my head off.

I just told my friend that I am getting exhausted defending my actions to people. She said "well I can't lie to you." I said" I don't need you to lie. You could just say "that sounds interesting. I hope it works out for you."" That's what I need when I feel a little sad.

He is still avoiding me and when I make an attempt to say or do anything he ignores it. It is a little sad for me but I know that it is expected. Read most of SAA today so I should finish it tomorrow. I am going to read it a few times to get it all stuck in. I am sure that what we have here is an example of Soul-mate so LUCKY US (that SUCKS). Prayers going out all of the time and it is now in the hands of the universe.

Prayers for YOU and your family.