Fred, who is your IM? Instead of going through your attorney and running up his bill, why not use your IM? That's their purpose, to relay any IMPORTANT messages back and forth.

From a legal standpoint, she WILL get her stuff sooner or later, if the court has to order it. It will look better for you if you cooperate at least this once. I agree though about enforcing your boundaries. She had the chance and she blew it. However, making this one-time offer (and that needs to be made VERY CLEAR) will look better for you legally-- if it gets to that point.

My stepchildren live with their father, but would come over every other weekend for visitation (it's the reason I bought the current house -- to have enough bedrooms for everyone). Same with holidays. Even when it wasn't "our turn," we'd have them over and enjoy the holidays on another day (the weekend following, for example).

So yes, I gifted them every year. They actually would ask for gift cards, which in my opinion are less "personal," but if that's what they wanted.

I have not stayed in touch with them since this went down, although I tried speaking with DSS13 recently. He was not being very conversational at that point, and I didn't know what to tell him.

I did speak with the oldest, DSD22, who is living on her own in another state. This was primarily to expose the A, and we've talked about her mother's erratic and irresponsible behavior.

My DD27, who knows them better than I at times, informs me that while they love their mother, they have no respect for her. After all, she abandoned them, and even now displays very poor parenting skills, preferring simply to tell them how much she loves them and how they should behave in public.

Oldest DSD22 once called WW a "wh*re" to my daughter. Not the healthiest and most functional family, if you ask me.

My attorney is the IM. We are not close enough with any of the neighbors (although I did expose to them, as she gathered with the wives once a month)
We have a Separation and Property Settlement in place. It already specifies that she is to remove her belongings from the house within six months of the separation date (D-Day). It does not say that I have to provide ongoing service to her for "one-sy, two-sy" pickups.

But the general response is that I should -- at least this once -- accede to her wishes and that I should put the items she requested into a box and leave it on the front porch for her to retrieve. That I will do.

Just to be complete, she has asked for a number of chargers (for her camera, bluetooth, etc.). I don't know which belongs to which, so I'm just going to put the entire pile of chargers and cables into the box).

I had thought of asking that she provide a specific list of items, but reading through this, I think I'll just put those things she asked for (pajamas, slips, a pair of shoes and the chargers/cables) into the box.

Thank you for your feedback. Drafting the letter to my attorney now. I'll check back before I send it it case there are additional thoughts on this matter.

OK, this is what I have drafted to my lawyer. I'm not 100% comfortable with the wording, so I'm not sending it until I get it right:

Dear ATTORNEY NAME,

I have given the response to my wife's requests a great deal of thought. I realize that my initial reaction could be seen as vindictive, and perhaps on one level it is. I truly do no want to be an enabler for my wife's adultery and I also do not wish to be inconvenienced by repeated requests for assorted odds and ends that she remembers at random points in time.

Therefore, I have decided to accommodate her request -- to the following degree: I have packed up one box of goods that she specified in the list to you. This box is now sitting outside on the front porch of the house. She can come by at any time to retrieve it. I do not wish to know when she intends to do so.

I will not do this again.

As for the other items/requests/demands on her list, I have no response.

Thank you,

SIGNATURE

Fred, I don't have much to add that others haven't said except that you should ask the moderators to blend all three threads into one. It's really hard to follow your story in spurts and it's asking a lot to make people read not one, not two, but three threads.
You've been on MB for around a month, and already have three different threads going. It's much easier to solicit help if you keep it all in one place.
Furthermore, if you want to change the TITLE of your thread to reflect some new question or new development, it's really easy. Just click the notify button at the bottom and tell the mods what you want your new thread to read as.
I hope you consider doing this so as to keep everything in one place.
Furthermore, it will shorten your sig line by three lines.

Thanks, IAO. I will do as you suggest. It will keep it easier for me to track, also.

Fred,
IMO, the letter seems okay. I liked the suggestion of having someone take her the box, though. I don't like her coming to your house (even to the porch). I think you mght be looking out the window and just being anxious about when she's coming (I would be). Just a thought.

You might could shorten up the letter a little. I consider myself a pretty good writer also and I usually find that less is more (although I don't always follow the rule in my posts here, lol).

good luck.
Optimism

Thanks, Opt. But my home office looks out to the front, just off the garage. I can see anyone drive up the driveway before they can see me. If I spot her (ahem, "my") car entering the driveway, my intention is to head upstairs where she can't see me and I can't see her. That way I'll also be able to see when the car is no longer in the driveway.

That does not seem like a good idea to me. First, there might be a conflict of interest. His job as an attorney is not to shield you from messages from your adversary. His job as an IM is to do that.

Second, her is going to charge you for every interaction, even those that you never know about.

You do not have to ask the neighbours. The IM needs to be someone whom you can trust to learn and implement the role, and who has an internet connection.

There are two problems with what you propose that I can see. The first is that no one that matches your description comes to mind (I don't mean to romanticize this, but WW and I were kind of in a "world of our own"). The second is that in Plan B I'm DARK. I don't know how I would go about retracting my silence (except perhaps through my attorney) to let WW who to contact.

But I'll think on it. I think about everything everyone says.

Dear ATTORNEY NAME,

After a great deal of thought, I will agree to mail her the items she has requested only once. In order to retrieve the rest of her property, she will need to provide you with a list of proposed dates and a list of her property. At the agreed-upon time and date, I will grant her supervised access to the garage where all of her things will be available. After that date, everything will be sold or donated to charity.

As for the other items/requests/demands on her list, I have no response.

Thank you,

SIGNATURE

ETA- FWIW, I still think using attorney as an IM is a BAD idea.

I am considering who I might ask to act as IM. I have informed my attorney that I may be passing a name and contact info to her for that purpose.

The W next door might agree. They weren't "close," so to speak, but they shared gardening tips and WW gave her plenty of hand-me-down toys for her kids. I have a book WW asked me to return to her, so I might broach the subject.

Not so sure that's a good idea either, mainly because W next door was "her" friend originally. It needs to be someone that you trust and who will not be afraid to filter out the "junk" from necessary communications. I know that some people have used MB peeps (vets) as IMs and I think it worked out okay. Just a thought.

Are you volunteering? (half-jokingly)

Fred, I probably wouldn't be your best bet because I'm not available all the time. I can think of a few others that WOULD be a better choice... I'll give them a chance to volunteer before I start naming names... lol

With the house dark, I was sitting in my office, just waiting for the work day to end. Suddenly, I saw headlights turn into the driveway. Quickly I scooted out of the office and upstairs into the master bedroom. I waited there until I heard the car door close and saw the car back out and drive away.

I'm glad she came when she did. I was beginning to get spooked at the sound of every car passing the house.

No contact. Still dark.

Thank you for that vote of confidence, princess. I am booked solid right now, though.

I wonder if I'm hanging around here too much.

Given that I work from home (which means virtually NO human interaction all day) and the house is empty at night, perhaps spending a lot of time on MB is understandable. After all, my job requires me to be on the computer, so it makes sense, right?

So why am I feeling so beaten down today? OK, I know I didn't get much sleep last night (yeah, and I've lost 16 pounds, too) so fatigue may be part of it. But yesterday I had a -great- day: I ran in a 10K (took second place in my division!), went to a pancake breakfast, did some cleaning and arranging around the house, and went to a couple of meetings in the evening. And I felt pretty good!

But I've spent a lot of time today on MB, and truth be told, while the information is terrific, there is also a lot of pain and not a few stories of MB failure. I guess this is where I am:

I have grave doubts that my WW will choose to return even after the affair ends. I'm also afraid that if she were to want to try, I might not be up to the task. Those of you who have read my tale to date know that key issues with me are loyalty and trust, and WW has shattered both of those, sending me into pain and anguish I haven't felt before. Not when my parents died, not when my first M ended, not even when in the depths of my alcoholism I put my head in the oven hoping the gas would put an end to me!

My gratitude to A.A. (and now to Al-Anon and MB) knows no bounds. Today I know that I don't have to drink, nor do I have to entertain thoughts of suicide; my supporters all tell me that I will get through this -- and none of you has ever lied to me. So I have faith.

But reading MB at times is very depressing. Maybe I've latched on to another addiction. Sort of like the "train wreck" one hears people talking about: It's so awful, but you can't avoid looking.

I fervently pray for the newcomers (newer than I, that is) who have arrived not having made the monstrous mistakes I did before I got here, will find the tools they need, the willingness and the courage to fight to save their marriages.

My wife was the light of my life, and that light now appears to be dimming significantly. Yes, I'll get through this, and I'll have a lot more tears to shed before I'm done. I hope that my experience will help others avoid the mistakes I've made. That's it for now. I think I'll go have a solitary little cry -- hey, the house is empty -- and then clean up and go to a meeting.

Thanks for letting me rant.

Fred, you are a good guy. Hang in there.
My best friend is a vascular surgeon in Richmond, if you want to meet a good guy and talk.

I appreciate the vote of confidence, Zelmo. Considering that we've never met and didn't even know of each others' existence until a couple of weeks ago, that's quite a compliment!