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Yay cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boy, I remember when you first got here, this seemed like such a distant possibility. It's great to see how far you've come!


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
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Is that CAT? Who is this person saying she is Cat?

laugh

Astounding how much we set ourselves up...conditioned acts and expectations from years of conditioning our brain to believe this is what we want...

If, then statements...

If I feel fear, then I'll plan out all the ways I failed to stop something from happening--an event, a disaster, or a person's feelings/experience. Then I'll think of all the ways it can further go wrong, expect others' response...then I'll be safe.

Breaking that habit is huge...lovingly catching your own little inner child in the act of doing just this...for it gives us a sense of false power, assures us we're still smarter than the outcome, in control and therefore, admirable enough to be accepted and loved. Safe.

The shorter response within us is powerful, "I fear. I fear lying to myself right now MORE than their experience. What's just my part? What do I wish I'd done differently and why?"

And you sit with yourself, getting to know your deeper self more and more...be gentle and loving...not brutal or disparaging.

Do not try to scare yourself straight. Hasn't worked all these decades...try something new.

smile

Btw, did you share that with your H? Didya? Didya? Inquiring minds wanna know.

Oh, and control.

LOL. Kudos, Cat...more and more...on the way...every day you choose differently. No reason to set yourself up...you're not dangerous. You never have been. That was the lie.

LA

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Originally Posted by catperson
Just wanted to add that, as requested, I asked H if he was mad at me or blamed me the night of the concert, and he said no. He thought the concert people were jerks, but he never thought any of it was my fault. I'm getting there in terms of bringing up possibly negative subjects - and then realizing (and reinforcing) that 95% of it is all my own setup fears. Yay me!


Way to go Cat!!!!! hurray How did you feel after that?

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Thanks, jayne! And me, too! I remember sitting in fear when I'd hear H drive up, and jumping up off the couch to make sure it looked like I was doing something. I still do, sometimes, but I'm working on it.

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lol, LA. Yes, I told him that I was afraid that he'd be blaming me. He thinks I'm nuts, lol.

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bjs, I have to say it's been a really weird couple of years for me. It's like I've been locked in this bubble for 50 years, FOO stuff and all that, and I've never known 'me.' Just what I was supposed to be.

fwiw, it's giving me a little bit of courage to enable me to think about going to counseling. I had a really safe IC back at NASA, whom I loved, but I lost that when I left there. The one here is ok, but for some reason I've never felt safe - too much toxic shame since all our job and money and daughter issues have blown up...too much to deal with.

Maybe I'll start with that again.

Anyway, it felt good, but at the same time I felt stupid. I feel like such a failure most of the time, so it's good I did it, but it's bad cos I never should have created it in the first place, kwim?

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Every time you jump off the couch when he pulls up, you are adding cement to your self-image...and thwarting self.

Each time you share what's going on in your head, your stuff, with DH, you are knowing and being known for true self.

Your response that you shared with DH (that's a "Now that you won the Emotional Superbowl, what now?" Proper Response: I'm going to Disneyland!)

laugh

The more you share and are shared with, the less you'll jump off the couch to self-image.

And each time you catch yourself jumping off the couch (be it after you've begun your getting busy, or just before, a process)...the more you'll love yourself for you, who you really are.

When you feel overwhelmed with too much to deal with...parcel it. Take one tiny piece...find one part of a part...and sit with it...find out if it truly is within your control or not...often you'll find you made a plan, you're doing the plan, and it's the outcome you're trying to hurry up experiencing, that is not here yet. When we act on our fear, we have to keep fabricating (square-one) the original catastrophe...trying to swallow it whole, again and again (even when we worked out plans for each)...which is why you get the "too much to deal with" feeling...

because self is saying, "You're dealing with too much at once".

See, you're not stupid--self CANNOT be. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself for not relinquishing your commitment to failure, to believe you even can be one, because it's the old, very old blanket, we held onto...and ditch those never shoulds as soon as they arise...that's your tiny child talking...hold her and understand...and do not allow her beliefs to be yours now.

Can you plan (because you rock at planning) a tiny celebration to commemorate this triumph? Something with DH? And then, in your head, set your cell or your watch to ding at a certain time, each day, for a week, for you to pause and hug yourself, laud yourself, cheer yourself on (like you did for your DD while she was growing up)?

This takes the one act and multiplies it through reliving. See, for as much crud as our brains can get us into, not knowing reality from fantasy, God wasn't stupid (ever). It's a healing, reinforcing mechanism, if you'll do it (takes 60 seconds), so you can retrain your brain faster to what you really want.

How cool is that? Self helps. lol

LA

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You're right. I need to put up some affirmations on my mirror, too.

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Cat, thanks for sharing all this with us oday. Next time I have a down day, I'm going to come right back here and get inspired from your momentum smile


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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OMG I've created a monster! H wanted to tell Fox what he thought of who got booted off So You Think You Can Dance, so I told him how to go onto Fox.com, he found the blog site, and he's been reading the blogs and preparing a statement to add to it for the last hour!

Only issue...he has to ask me how to spell every fourth word...*sigh*

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lol, 30 minutes later, and he is still writing!

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lol, now he's talking to D19 at college, and griping to her about the show and who got cut. He's so cute.

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grin grin grin

It's so great to hear you talking like this! Describing having a pleasant time, even a little fond joking! I love it!!!
hurray


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
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I'm smiling, too, Cat...watching you smile at your "he's so cute" hubby...

Would you say that you love his passion...that it's part of him, his force? And that you don't often agree with what he applies it to?

You hear negativity about the world in general...brings you down.

Him expressing it (equally) about his dance show preferences...tickles you...experiencing him doing something new (going online) and going through the new experience with him...not you making him do/not do, nor he you...

Like sailing.

Together.

I think you can separate loving his passion from what it is towards...knowing you love his passion.

I believe you've believed in his passion for you, all your married life...even when, like above, when you don't like what it's direction is...

You are part of his passion, Cat. And he, yours. :::celebrating with you::: Worth talking about...this new dance in your marriage...(how about a reality show...so you think you can change the dance contestants? I think you'd win.)

LA

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Yeah, I like that about him. The night before, he spent two hours calling in to vote for certain people. I'm trying to find ways for him to enjoy more in life that way, so the rest won't drag him down. He's been doing better.

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Cat, in no way do I want to rain on your parade, but I do want to remind you/encourage you to not take on responsibility for other people's feelings (and it seems to be mostly men in your case, and definitely your H). And not to encourage other women to adopt/continue that behavior.

I'm referring to this:

Quote
I'm trying to find ways for him to enjoy more in life that way, so the rest won't drag him down. He's been doing better.

You could probably reply that you didn't mean it the way it sounded, that you are just trying to help him or something... but if you are honest with yourself, you must see that it still reflects a deep-set attitude and assumption that YOU are responsible for HIS attitudes and feelings.

Also what nams was saying, about your post to OH. I see you changed it to say the change in her H would be a by-product of her actions, but that isn't what you initially said. Please notice the prevailing assumption in the original way you stated it, and how it shows up in many places. IMHO this is really something for you to be ever vigilant in resisting.

Because I keep seeing you saying things that indicate you think the woman is responsible for the man's feelings and attitudes.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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Great point.

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My mom died tonight. frown

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Oh no, I am so sorry!!!!

*HUGS*

pray

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

{{{{{{{{{{ cat }}}}}}}}}}


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
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Cat - I'm very sorry for your loss. ((Cat)) frown


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
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