This forum appears to have a lot of advice from the non-cheating spouse. I would like to hear from the WWs out there. I had an emotional affair with someone I have known for 20 years. I have been married 10 years. I never believed in soulmates before now, and when he and I reconnected, it shook me to my core. My husband found out and we are trying to get through this, first with me cutting off all contact with the OM. I am having extreme difficulty doing this, crying constantly, can't function, everyone says I need to take medication. I feel like if this withdrawal period takes too long I will end up broken, unable to function and more importantly care for my kids.

I want to hear from people who believe they were in love with the OM, and either got over the OM, or tried and moved on in other ways. And, are there people out there that tried the marriage builder plan and it didn't work? And, how did you deal with the extreme sense of loss without punishing everyone around you?

I've been in your spot.

W/drawal sucks!! But, once you're through it, you'll be ok.

MB works!

How long has it been since you last had contact? How long did your A last?

Hi. I had an EA/PA 3 1/2 years ago with a coworker. I believed that I loved him. I could not imagine not having him in my life. I was the one who confessed my A, but even after D-Day, I broke NC twice. I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my body. In fact, my H ended up taking my to the ER because he found my suicide plan and the stash of pills I had. I have bipolar disorder, so that complicated things.

First, you will read about "the fog" on this forum, and it is very real. We WS's are usually fully enveloped in it, and it warps our thinking, our judgement, and our choices. I look back and cannot believe the jeopardy I put my family in, but it made perfect sense to me at the time. I cried many a tear. But it did fade. I realize now that what I thought was a true soul mate/love connection was a fantasy. It wasn't real. HE wasn't real. My H was. Our marriage might have been in the crapper, but H was the real deal. I had just made myself forget that.

Here is what helped me. I 100% owned all of my choices. No qualifying, no shifting blame. I took my lumps, so to speak. I journaled. I knew I couldn't expect H to listen to me grieve over OM. So I grieved on paper and to God. I went to IC, and because of my bipolar I do take meds. If you are having that much difficulty, short term AD's might help. I committed to do everything necessary to restore my marriage. Period.

I would say that it took us about a year before the pain wasn't there on a regular basis. I still don't think I have ever gone a day without thinking about what I did. H says he has.

Stick to NC no matter how you feel. Let yourself cry, but don't wallow. Make yourself stop going down mental memory lane - it just prolongs the agony. Find a good pro-marriage IC. Read Surviving an Affair. Do everything you can to show remorse to your H and meet his EN's. Answer his every question with complete honesty. Recovery CAN happen.

A few, random thoughts:

Recognize that what you're facing is basically withdrawal from an addiction. There've been studies done, which show that the infatuation of an affair has basically the same impact on brain-chemistry as crack cocaine. (And if you were in an emotional affair, then it basically doesn't matter if it never became physical -- the rush is there just the same, the addiction aspect is just the same.)

I actually tried to break off my emotional affair before it became a full-blown physical affair (because I saw that that's where it was headed & I knew it was wrong); but when my other woman pushed back, I was too weak to make my "no" stick, because I'd become infatuated, I was overempathizing with her, spending too much time on the phone with her allowing her to provide affirmations & need-filling that I should've been looking to my wife for. Essentially, I was addicted. During my affair, if you'd asked me back then, I'd have even said that I was "in love" with my affair partner as well as with my wife at the same time. And I told the other woman that I loved her, twisted as that sounds to me today. When she got found out by her husband, which forced me to a place where I felt I had to break off the affair, confess to my wife & try to save my marriage, I knew it was the right thing to do, but I still felt nauseated at losing the emotional companionship I'd had with the other woman... I missed the phone calls, the IMs, the e-mails, the little affirmations that I'd been getting from her almost every day for the previous 10 weeks. I missed being able to look forward to our next conversation or meeting, and I missed the e-cards that she'd send me, the jokes we shared. I missed that emotional stuff lots more than I missed the sex. Withdrawal just sucked. I hear ya.

For you today, knowing about this addiction aspect doesn't make withdrawal too much easier, but it might make you feel like less of a freak. Be prepared for a bumpy ride for the next few weeks, but hang in there, and stick with no contact.

I would strongly recommend enlisting some good friends who have the best interests of your marriage at heart -- they can be trustworthy couples whom you & your husband can confide in together, as a couple, or a pastor, or a good marriage counselor (careful, there are bad ones, too) -- but anyway, DO consider getting someone to HELP hold you accountable, so that you don't have to rely entirely on your own strength at this time.

Re: the marriage-builder plan, what my wife & I did (at the recommendation of our marriage counselor) was that we started reading the book "Surviving An Affair" together & discussing each section, and doing all the assessments & exercises. I strongly suggest that you do this. I think this book should be a prerequisite for obtaining a marriage license. It really helped us to communicate better & to be more attuned to one another. Recovering a marriage CAN be done, if you fight for it. My & Trust_Will_Come's marriage is better today than ever in basically every way that matters -- not because of my affair, but because of what she & I did afterwards to recover from it.

P.S.-- Oh... and that's the last thing: There's this man -- your husband -- who's basically just had his heart dashed to the ground, by the one very person whom he counted on foremost NOT to do such a thing. Put yourself in his shoes. Sure, he may have failed in his ways to communicate to you, or to recognize & fulfill certain needs of yours... just as you may have failed in some of your own ways toward him. And now he's facing the anguish of trying to "compete" for your heart with some fantasy-man in cyberspace, who's got no mortgage to help pay, no dirty laundry to dump on your floor, none of the baggage we call "real life" -- and he wants his wife back & yet is scared & doesn't know what to do or whom he can trust. By not kicking you out, he's picked that heart of his up off the dirty floor and placed it, bleeding & bruised, back into your hands. How will you treat it?

If you can swing it, go take a very long vacation with your husband. Sure, he won't be able to deposit much in your Love Bank, nor you in his, but you'll be together to get through this, and gratitude for the care you demonstrate for one another will last long after the pain of the end of this affair goes away.

I second the suggestion to read "Surviving An Affair". I sincerely wish my FWW would read it -- she has a copy on her iPhone Kindle Reader -- but that's not somewhere she seems comfortable going on her own yet.

Stick to your no-contact policy. Put extraordinary precautions in place to prevent further contact. Every contact sets you back to Day Zero again, and makes the pain last longer. If you end up in contact with the other man, discuss it with your husband and set up extraordinary precautions together so that that channel of communication is closed off forever.

You can get past this. I'm not a wayward spouse, but I've done my share of incredibly stupid and abusive things in my marriage. Don't underestimate the value of a spouse willing to have faith that you can change and fall in love again... even if they don't have faith that you can honor your word right now.

Tank, Welcome to MB.

I've been where you are now, and I know it isn't fun. You have a rough road ahead of you, but I just want you to know that it does get easier with time. It's very difficult being the wayward, because often, our pain is discounted, since it was self-inflicted. But that doesn't make it any less real or difficult to deal with.

I very much thought that I was in love with the OM. I too thought I had found my soul mate. It took 6 months from the time I revealed my A to my H for me to finally end it. I was so torn, and I felt very much as though I were in love with two men at the same time. I swung back and forth between the two like a yo-yo. I reached a level of despair I never knew possible, thinking I would never be able to decide. I contemplated suicide and even bought a bottle of sleeping pills to do the job.

Looking back on it now, I realize that what I felt for the OM wasn't love at all. Love is based on trust, honesty, and respect, and none of those things can be present in an A. An A is an addiction, and the withdrawal phase is the most difficult. It felt as though my heart were being ripped from my chest. But NC is pivotal. The longer you have NC with the OM, the more the pain will fade. It takes time, but you will get there, trust me.

What helped me, believe it or not, was spending time with my H during those early days of withdrawal. It really helped me to see how much he cared and really wanted to work on our M. The more time we spent together, just reconnecting and enjoying one another's company, the better I felt, and the less I missed the OM. I would suggest spending as much time with your H as possible. Don't talk about relationship stuff. Don't talk about the A. Not for now, at least. There will be time for that later. Try to spend some quality time together doing things that you both enjoy. Go on a date with your H, or even a little vacation, if you can swing it, just the two of you.

And keep posting here. This site helped me immensely and got me through some very tough times. MB really does work, especially when both spouses are on board.

Getting through w/drawals: You have to retrain your mind. Instead of allowing your mind to think of him, as you have done every minute of the day for as long as the A was going on for, you must tell yourself "No" when you think of him.

Even if you have to do it every damned minute.

Eventually you will get out of the habit of "reaching" for him in your mind.

Your A is an ADDICTION. A fantasy. And that's all it was.

Your BH is REAL. What you dreamt up about your "soulmate" was just unicorn and rainbow BS. Get through w/drawals and you will see we were right.

I'd say if you still believe in the "soulmate " deal, you would be best served by concentrating on your school work and homework ,and selling whatever Girl Scout cookies your troop has left.

I'll take a box of Thin Mints, my kids ate the last of mine.

On a more serious note, your soul mate is the one you choose to give your heart and soul. If you want your husband to be your soul mate, you have to give to him and only him.

As long as you are giving to another, or even thinking about it, you are not emotionally mature.

Marriage is work. Are you willing to do the work? If you put the same sort of effort into how you treat your husband, as you did thinking and communicating with your OM, you'll find that your husband is your soul mate.

Your soul mate is the one to whom you choose to give yourself.

That is funny..Yeah, SOULMATE..What a crock...DUDE

Yeah, to us.. we see it clearly, but when you're experiencing completely over the top feelings, you try to look for a rational reason for them.

Soulmate seems rational...

The idea of it being an addiction never crosses a wayward's mind.

Follow MB

No contact is number one. Followed by removing anything a deverything from your life that reminds you of OM.

Stop signs in your mind when he enters

When I was really low and wanting to make contact, I posted here. The se people helped me through it....

Not always sympathetic I might add.

it's a good old slog, remember you will not feel anything for your H whilst you are in withdrawl and any triggers will make you see him through affair glasses.

MB works.

I told everyone about my A - all family and all friends who knew of my " friendship" with OM. The shame each time I sawa one of these people kept me on the straight and narrow and I knew I was being watched for any wayward behaviour.

Lots of deep breaths and keep yourself as busy as you can - try to spend as much time wiht your H.

Remove everything that will remind you of OM ask any mutaul friends never to mention him or talk about him - my sis still sees my FOM every week but she never mentions him.

Good idea. Dr. Harley does recommend ADs for getting through w/drawals.

And send your BH here. So we can help him.

your sarcasm is not appreciated. I was hoping to receive helpful responses from mature people.

May I respectfully request that you appreciate the sarcastic remark. Why? Because it's largely true.

Soul mate is an emotionally immature concept.

Relationships are work. We are all incompatible with everyone in some fashion.

The question is, do we mean our vows enough to love them, love being a verb, regardless how we feel at any one moment?

If you put much stock in the idea of a soul mate, you are basically saying it's all about fate and finding the right match, rather than doing the work required to have a marriage.

Believing in soul mates is really little different from believing in the Easter Bunny.

What you learn when you become mature is that rather than there being an Easter Bunny, there was someone behind the scenes doing the work to bring about the holiday.

Apply the same concept to your marriage. If you want your husband to be your soul-mate, you have to do the work.

No work, no soul mate.

It's just that simple.

Her BH is here, he brought Tank here. He's "thedude".

Tank, you're getting very good advice.

I found it helped to put road blocks in my way so that contacting OM was next to impossible. Do you want to call or text him? Swap cell phones occasionally with your BH, whenever he asks. That way you won't be tempted to call or text, for fear that OM might call or text back to that cell phone while it's in your husband's possession.

Are you tempted to IM or email him? Put a key logger on the computers you use and have the reports emailed to your BH.

Precautions like this not only help you get through the worst of withdrawal (and yes it does hurt, it's a pain so deep it's physical), it also helps restore your BH's trust in you.

So think about all the ways you're tempted to contact OM and come up with ideas on how to prevent those methods of contact, and talk to your BH about it. Ask him to help you.

I found it helped me, whenever I found myself thinking of OM, to do something to deposit units in my BH's love bank. So if you find yourself dwelling on OM or missing him, do something to meet your BH's ENs. Feelings follow actions so if you break the feelings for OM with actions for your BH, your feelings for your BH will become stronger and the feelings for the OM will fade.

It takes time. It is SO worth it. I thought I'd made a huge mistake marrying my husband, and I could have made a list a mile long about why OM and I were so compatible. Looking back, the whole thing makes me feel ill. And embarrassed.

Oh, you said you and OM had known each other 20 years. I doubt it (if I'm wrong I sincerely apologize). You probably knew each other 20 years ago, and then reconnected recently. When you say "we've known each other for 20 years" it makes the bond sound bigger than it really is. Watch out for these verbalizations that mislead your thinking. Learn to recognize them and state the facts honestly. It will help.

I wasn't going to read this thread until I saw my wife getting mad and crying while reading it. People post very personal situations here with the hope of getting advice and guidance. The info is posted during emotionally charged times.

This is not the place for poking fun at people's feelings/ideas. If you can't post something helpful, then please refrain and show some self control. You certainly aren't helping.

I am a BW so you may not be interested in hearing from me versus the very good advice you have on some of the posts from WWs.

However, I did want to note that you responded to Zelmo and none of the former WWs and your response to him reads as full of distain and disrespect. It you REALLY want to know about some of the havoc you have created and are continuing with, take a read of Zelmo's story as well as some of the other BSes on this site.

Right now, you are so into your own feeling that it appears as though you have no idea about the other side of the story. And this is rather typical of waywards, but at some point if you want to pull your head out of the sand and recover the marriage you are in, it is a necessary self-reflection.

Best wishes to you. It is a difficult journey.

AM

thedude,

You do not know what is helping and what is not. Many FWW's have cried on first reading responses here. Hearing other people refer to what you thought was a beautiful relationship as degrading and selfish will usually shock a naive poster to tears. Those who are seeking to leave their bad behaviour behind will reflect on what was said and later see the value in it. A truly former WS will one day look at their first posts with embarrassment, and feel gratitude for the wake-up responses.

You were told to stay off this thread, and you should do that. Do not try to protect your wife from hearing the truth about her own actions.

That's good advice, and I hope that your wife too will heed such advice.

You see, there are many betrayed spouses who suffered at the hands of one who believed in the Easter Bunny, I mean Soul Mates.

So I respectfully point out that her positions may be just as painful to those reading them as she finds the responses.

If her attitudes are un-healthy and trigger hurts in folks who are here, that's the price of maintaining those attitudes.

She has the opportunity here to see how painful to others he beliefs are without LB'ing you, her spouse.

As a BH, I find the whole notion of a Soul Mate very offensive, given it was used to justify my ex-wife's affair.

What happened? The affair ended, maybe four years after it started. So much for being soul mates. There must have been work required to have a good relationship. Sadly for them, since both bought into the idea of a soul mate, they missed out on doing the work to have a great marriage with the spouses they betrayed.

Hearing soul mate isn't really painful to me in a debilitating fashion. But I do realize that it was painful when I hear my XW espousing how her OM was her soul mate, how it was such a mistake to marry me, babble, babble, babble.

So she has the chance to face how hurtful that concept is, without LB'ing you, and to be educated, if she chooses, by someone other than you.

It's great that you are here to defend her. I just hope you understand that her words may be offensive at times, until she totally drops the wayward mindset.

There will be those who call her on the offensiveness of her words.

I try to do it in a polite fashion.

The notion of a soul mate is offensive when one is talking about the OM, period.