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Joined: Apr 2006
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Hi everyone!

I haven't posted in a while because things have pretty much been the status quo - which I am grateful for. I do check in every now and then - to see how ya'all are doing.

My BF and I are approaching the 5 year mark - and on Saturday night, things came crashing down and fast. We both discussed the idea of marriage, our relationship expectations, etc., and about two years ago, we both said that we are just fine with how the relationship was - no talks of weddings, etc. - we would just go with the flow. Which, after much soul-searching on my part - was just fine with me. I'm not ready for marriage #2 either.

Without getting into all the gory details, we had a very long, alcohol fueled conversation this weekend, in which he confided in me that after 11 years, he still cannot get over his issues with his ex-wife. I asked him if his "issues" included unresolved feelings for her - and he said no. Problem is, I don't believe him.

He has 3 grown children with this woman, and so he still has to see her every now and then. For our entire relationship, he always made snide comments about her, about how she screwed him in the divorce proceedings, and how she ripped his life apart, etc. I had made comments on more than one occasion that I was feeling that he just couldn't "get over" her, and he has denied it all the while. He has said that he has nothing but hate for her. I never believed it.

I asked him flat out to imagine this - if she ran to him, with arms outstretched, apologizing for the past and confessing her undying love for him - would he take her back? His reply was this: "I would be afraid to take her back - I would feel that she would screw me again, if she had the chance". He did NOT say "absolutely not, it's you I love, etc"....

What to do now?


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Have you talked about it with him since then? I'm just wondering how much the alcohol came into play.

That aside, I would encourage him to work on his forgiveness issues. At this point his hatred isn't doing anyone any good. Life can be so much better for everyone if he found a way to let it go.

As far as the question of whether he would take it back, I can understand his answer a little bit. My ex has apologized for mistakes she made, but that didn't kill my desire to have the past rectified somehow. A part of me would love for my ex to beg for me to comeback, but it doesn't have anything to do with how I feel about her, it's just me wanting to make that part of my life whole again.

But I've found it just so much easier to let it go, and move on. Regardless of what my ex may say now or in the future, the past can't be fixed. What I want is a relationship with someone who knows how and wants to meet my needs. There's no reason to think that person is my ex.


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Just because he didn't say what you hoped he'd say doesn't mean he is being dishonest. I think his answer was very honest. The ex-wife apparently did a real number on this guy. I think his answer about taking his ex-wife back boils down to a simple "no". He chose to give you his reason. He may have actually done that with the notion that his reason was so logical, it would reassure you. Something to think about.

Is he otherwise meeting your emotional needs?

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Originally Posted By: mcnultysps
Just because he didn't say what you hoped he'd say doesn't mean he is being dishonest. I think his answer was very honest. The ex-wife apparently did a real number on this guy. I think his answer about taking his ex-wife back boils down to a simple "no". He chose to give you his reason. He may have actually done that with the notion that his reason was so logical, it would reassure you. Something to think about.

Is he otherwise meeting your emotional needs?


I agree with this. When you are having conversations at random, you don't typically think of all the things you really feel and say them. As a matter of fact, my GF asked me this same question and I gave similar answer. But, another answer is what you desired to hear as well cause I do love her and don't want anyone else. However, I did not say that. So, don't be too worried about what you do hear or don't hear. Watch actions and they tell you alot more than words.


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His response would bother me too. It has the ring of incompleteness. His response would make me feel that he has unresolved issues regarding the ex.

If I were in your situation I would want more discussion on the topic and his answer to your question. Tell him exactly how it made you feel, remember to use I statements, this is after all, about how his remark made you feel.

Another thing that makes the situation tricky is the alcohol. Next time, skip the drinks so you both have clear heads for this important talk. I do think you deserve more clarity on his situation with the ex.


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Originally Posted By: TrulyHappytoBe
His reply was this: "I would be afraid to take her back - I would feel that she would screw me again, if she had the chance". He did NOT say "absolutely not, it's you I love, etc"....


I don't see anything wrong with what he said. I would say the same thing if someone asked me about my ex, and it would have nothing to do with me having unresolved issues with her, or not loving my new wife, or whatever. To me, the two are not mutually exclusive. You can love and adore your present partner, and not want anyone else (including the ex), and still answer the question the way he did.

Now, if he had said "well, hmmm, do you think she might come running back to me? Well, if she did, I don't know, I'd be afraid, but...", well, then I'd run for the hills. But he did not say that, at least not the way you relayed it to us smile .

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Originally Posted By: nams
His response would bother me too. It has the ring of incompleteness. His response would make me feel that he has unresolved issues regarding the ex.

If I were in your situation I would want more discussion on the topic and his answer to your question. Tell him exactly how it made you feel, remember to use I statements, this is after all, about how his remark made you feel.

Another thing that makes the situation tricky is the alcohol. Next time, skip the drinks so you both have clear heads for this important talk. I do think you deserve more clarity on his situation with the ex.


That's exactly how I interpreted his answer. If the tables were turned and he asked me if I would ever consider taking my ex-husband back, I don't think he'd even be able to finish the question without me chiming up LOUD and CLEAR "Hell No, I'd run as fast as I could the other way". There really is absolutely no reason for him to ever feel that I have unresolved issues with my ex-husband.

I immediately felt that if she ran back to him, apologizing for all the pain and hurt she's caused him, begging forgiveness and another chance to make it work that he would be cautious and afraid BUT that he might think about it. He says no, but I'm not convinced. We have discussed this subject before(with no alcohol involved, this particular conversation happened after a company Christmas party) and my feelings of his unresolved issues and inability to forgive her and move on, but this was actually the very first time I asked him point blank that if he was given the chance, would he take a second chance at a future with his ex-wife.

We've also discussed the fact that I feel that his ex-wife is (and always will be) the third party in our relationship. He has so much festering anger(?)over how the marriage ended, that I'm convinced that unless he gets some professional help, he'll never be able to give himself totally to me (or anyone else for that matter).

I know, I know, this becomes a decision for ME to make. All other areas of our relationship are splendid, he (and his children) have become a very important part of my life - and with the exception of the fact that I have this insecurity over his ex, this would truly be the perfect relationship for me......

I'm rambling - so hopefully this makes some sense.


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Well, with that background, I agree that perhaps there should be some concerns as to how ready he is for a healthy relationship with someone (although that sounds kinda weird, given that he has been in one with you for five years).

But I still don't see how the one specific incident was a showstopper. Sounds like this is a continuing issue; I frankly don't see how you can have it hanging over you for five years. Either you believe him or you don't that he's over her; but you certainly cannot try to "cure" him of it if he's not.

How long was he single before you met him?

AGG


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Originally Posted By: TrulyHappytoBe
We've also discussed the fact that I feel that his ex-wife is (and always will be) the third party in our relationship. He has so much festering anger(?)over how the marriage ended, that I'm convinced that unless he gets some professional help, he'll never be able to give himself totally to me (or anyone else for that matter).



Thats what I think too. That the anger is clouding his head about it. He should be able to let it go but sometimes the pain lingers.
I also think that the alcohol that nite might have brought out how angry he was with her and started up some old feelings he was airing out. talk to a counselor about this because he needs to think of her as if she died. then move on in his life. You seem to be who he would like to be with.
Hope this helps


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