This was meant as we stay at each others places so often.

An excellent place to extend ALL your efforts.

You're already trying to mold a boy into a man.
Who needs extra credit by trying to turn a 40-year-old-boy into a man?

Change your locks.

My apologies I dont know how to do those windows in windows I keep seeing. I will just copy and paste what I wrote earlier.

In the past week, I've received some news that I may not be able to conceive anymore and wont know for sure unless I try and have more children. Needless to say it has me resentful and angry towards him because I feel as though we had a chance and now that may be gone. But yet he had a baby with the OW and I feel as though he did not fight for us. He just let her decide the outcome because he didnt want to look like the bad guy. Now I plague myself with a million questions and questions my decisions.

Nevermind I just realized I did it.

Try not to spend too much time doing this.

Instead, start a journal of the things you have learned and are learning.

Mistakes are only stupid if we refuse to learn the lessons.

and... :HappyHolidays:

""""""Baby I really am passed all that stuff." It is PAST. You "pass" a car and you "pass gas" but previous events are in the PAST""""""""

ROTFLMAO,, WAY TO FUNNY FOR WORDS

""""""""""It's so good to find someone else who loves to correct other people's grammar. I try to restrain myself, really, I do."""""""""""

i guess this will be my last post for fear of my grammatorical miscues

pep........ thanks for offering the book advice for tellit. i am actually going to give it to my daughters for xmas

tellit.......i read it somewhere and pass it on to my daughters and their teenage friends. "don't make anyone a priority that makes you an option"

all you have to do is re-read your own post where you listed the dates of accused's transgressions. (a little tiger lingo since accused is obviously thinks he got the raw deal) and you will have your answer about where you should go with this relationship.

accused......... dude i know you because i was you. i see it in you like i saw it in myself years back and i see it in many of the boys my daughters date now. she is just a possession to you. admit it.

to you both......you are oil and water together. both of you should be running in opposite directions

I confess Pops.
I was being a bit mean-spirited correcting grammar. (he pissed me off)
I promise I will NOT do anything remotely like that to you.

thanks pepperband, but as you know by now i probably wouldn't understand the corrections anyway

some people have that effect on all of us

I was an English major, so I struggle mightily with posts that have a lot of grammatical errors. But I promise to be nice. I think I've done a very good job so far of not correcting people's mistakes.

ok this is THE LAST ONE FROM ACCUSED

I am 40 and I am a MAN! Not a boy that tellit is trying to change. Im not some bad person that preys on all these innocent women and they have no clue to whats going on. Yes did I admit all my wrongdoings. Yes. Did I take responsibility for my wrongdoings. Yes.

There are probably some good people on here that may have some good advice. However just like Pep said she was a little mean spirited because I pissed her off, the advice that is given at times is not grounded on any principles its just off the cuff. How did I piss you off? This has nothing to do with you! You need to talk to your own momma!

To all....NO THIS IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY.

Pops...once a playa always a playa is the way i remember it! so if you see me in you (from years back), then the playa is still in you, right? Or did you change for the better? sounds like you changed. everyone changes and can change for the good! if not, then i guess you are still out there getting your stroll on and your wifey doesnt know!


Pep
You have not said one constructive thing to help tellit. Offer a book, great! Why dont you share an experience so that she may relate and what you did to overcome all that she is experiencing? And maybe what the other person felt too.

It would take too long to go through everyones "advice" and comment.

Everyone reads or responds has never shared whether or not they were in a relationship where they cheated, lied, betrayed or hurt someone else. I guess everyone on here are all the victims and survivors of someone else's terrible deeds and none of their own. Im not trying to deflect Im just saying have you been the best person you could possibly be your whole life? Have you ever had to go back and atone for something you did? Are you a LOSER for trying to fix whatever it was or doing it in the first place.

I was the one that went to counseling prior to US going the one time we did. And suggested that if tellit had all these feelings that she didnt want to tell me or couldnt tell me that she tell the counselor until she could tell me. then we could go together. i offered to pay for all her counseling. there were several times i offered to talk about the book we read, however the response was its too hurtful or painful and tellit didnt want to talk.

The change that this LOSER has made:
There has been no indiscretions since the conception of my baby.
There has been no secret rendezvous, dates, or anything else.
Any place that I went she knows before I go or before i do it.
There is a lot more emphasis on OUR life and not my life as it once was.
The openness to talk about and deal with issues without the threat of breaking up and leaving each other.
There is a commitment now that is leading towards marriage that initially when we started dating there was none.

So for all of you who would like to keep saying "move on, he wont change, leave", you have no idea how people reinvent themselves over time or circumstances that may force that.

the reason tellit is so conflicted about whether to stay or go could be many. but the main reason is because we are GREAT together. As a couple we are GREAT! I recognize it and will be spending a lifetime trying to make it up to her. its easy to leave, thats why your divorce rate is high and less people are getting married now.

All the advice people have shared about my OC keep it to yourself! Why would anyone deal with someone elses OC? because its part of me now. just like her son is part of her. i would raise and treat him just like my own. tellit didnt tell the whole truth about her preg and this is not the place that i want to add details. but if tellit still has some feelings about that then she should share that with me.

someone else said it...this is NOT the right forum for our "conversation". it should be between us tellit!

Yes, Ill say it again...i fell head over heels the moment i saw her! i still do to this day! and always will....

Pep - fix my grammar please! Im PAST all of the games (did i get it that time?) i guess i can change a little and learn too.

lol...this is really my LAST post. have a great life to all that read!

theaccused:

I would NEVER recommend a woman marry a man that not only played around but got the OW pregnant. Especially if that man insists on having contact with OW/OC without the fiance/wife. Why? Even if YOU straighten yourself out and become a standup man, tellit will have to deal with the games the OWbabymamma plays for LIFE.

You coming here and being argumentative and defensive is a red flag to me. The two of you arguing about who has the worst sin and who is right/wrong is another red flag about your relationship.

Perhaps, theaccused, you do not understand the absolute devastation tellit has suffered by you having your first child with another woman. She feels doubly betrayed by this and then knowing she may have given up her only chance to have a child just adds to her trauma.

I do no see in this limited format you being anything but determined to prove yourself right. If we are wrong then tell us specifically what you have done SINCE these betrayals to show tellit you are an honorable, changed man. Also tell us specifically what you have done to make it up to her.

Are you including tellit in your visitation with OC? Are you keeping your contact with OW minimal and out in the open with tellit? Have you quit having lunch, talking to or sharing personal information with all women except tellit?

Thanks.

i agree i see myself in you. difference is i was 30 years younger when i said "i do" and took those words to heart and started raising my family.

now for you. sure you haven't spoken the sacrid words to tellit. so i guess i can't fault you for wanting your cake and eating it too.

so give me the low down. what exactly have you done to show tellit that you are serious "this time"

have you written a no contact letter to the ow.

have you arranged visitation and cs thru the courts

have you set up neutral pick up and drop off points for visitations

have you welcomed tellit to join you for those p/ups, d/offs and be part of your oc's life

have you openly written no contact letters to all those exs that tellit feels insecure about

i will agree with you that people can change. but i don't see it in you or read it in your words

now i may not be an expert but i have read here for over 9 years and i have seen a plenty of miserable situations. i have lived thru my wife having an affair and we have come out on the good side.

but it took a lot of work that you have not shown you are willing to put in.

let me ask you these last 2 questions.

can you write no contact letters to all who tellit needs you to write them to and stand behind your word?

can you forgive her and never bring up any of her past should she agree to do the same?

WOW! I don't think I have seen anyone so defensive and angry in ages! You "protest to much".

You repeatedly state what a wonderful couple you two are and that you are head over heels in love with her. That's great.

So, WHY WOULD YOU REPEATED CHEAT ON HER AND CREATE A BABY WITH ANOTHER WOMAN?

Why wouldn't you have spent all the time you could with the love of your life (or maybe even get married)? Why waste all the energy and emotion on some other woman who isn't part of your "great couple"? It makes no sense.

You seem to be upset at the level or quality of advice/experiences given to you. As far as I can tell, you have not asked for any advice. No questions about what people who have been there before you can help you with. Nothing. Just anger and defense.

There is a huge amount of experience on this board. Huge. But I doubt you will get much help because you don't want it. Who would waste their personal experiences on someone who is so hostile?

You have NO CLUE what your having an OC with OW has done to tellittome. Your relationship will never heal until you do and put yourself in her position and see what it is like. If you are blaming her for why you did it. You will not recover. There is so much you can learn if you really want to save this relationship.


And it doesn't matter what the divorce rates are, it doesn't apply to you because you are not married. Your actions don't show commitment.


FYI:
I am a BW whose H had an OW/OC. We had been married 20 years w/3 children. D-day was 5-1/2 years ago. I had cancer too, at the time. It took me 4 years to feel normal again. We are happily recovered, although I will never be the same. I don't think Tellittome will be either.

I would never have stayed with my H if he had tried to blame me for his actions. Or show me what I had done wrong in the marriage to justify what he had done. Never.
I also would have not recovered emotionally if he had not (finally!) been able to show he understood what I had been through and how destroyed I was. The resentment level would have been overwhelming.

Take care. I hope you both can calm down and get some IRL help if there is any chance of staying together.

I think you protest too much - you come across as an unrepentant bully who wants to have his cake and eat it too.

Sure you're great together, as long as she keeps up her agreement to turn a blind eye to your lack of character. You destroy your permanent attachment to her and destroy her ability to have more children in the process, while you create a permanent attachment to a woman who you claim doesn't mean anything to you.

Actions speak louder than words.

You're just mad cause Tellit isn't a doormat anymore. She's questioning her future with you.

And instead of posting here how remorseful you are for destroying her, you're full of blame, excuses and rationalizations.

Tell me - where is the remorse? Where is the accountability? Where are the extraordinary precautions that you have put in place so that she can trust you?

Words aren't even here, let alone actions.

Tellit - run - run fast. change the locks on your home. change your phone number. go into witness protection if you have to.

Sixty days of no contact with this "accused" "man" and you will be able to see things much more clearly.