I feel like my world is spinning out of control, like im in a bad nightmare that I can't wake up from...

The day after Thanksgiving, My husband of 14 years,together 17, said we need to talk...oh no! I got the old "I love you but Im not in Love with you deal" was a shock to me we never even fight and just a month before we went our first vacation alone to Jamaica. So I asked if there was someone else he insisted NO..Well he lied. He says he hasnt slept with her and he is just getting to know her and Its none of my concern and shes not the reason he feels this way, yeah ok, I dont believe that. Anyway we really can't seperate seprate because he just got laid off and we are barely making it together much less seperating. and no we dont have anywhere else to stay like with family or anything. He says he will move into another room until we get on our feet and I get a better job.
We havent told both of our children yet only the oldest she is 16 well rather HE told her in the middle of the night while I was in bed, he said he didnt love me and he met someone and he was gushing about her! WTF!!! I was livid I yelled at him and said listen sure shes 16 but what is wrong with you not discussing it with me and going on about this whatever you wanna call her.
I dont know what to believe I love my husband with all my heart and dont want our marriage to end, maybe its a midlife crisis he turned 40 today in combination with him just losing his job, or if he really doesnt love me. I just dont know what to do and wish I didnt have to see him everyday knowing he is talking to her. It breaks my heart. Im stupid also since the "talk" I have slept with him a few times but Im done. Im going to a doctor next week to get get tested for everything. and yes she knows he's married.
Thanks for listening

You should ask the moderators to move your thread over to Surviving an Affair. You will be able to get much more focused advice about your situation over there.

removing dup post

Hi jenn, it's early I can't type those numbers out.

Welcome to MB. You have come to the most amazing place possible under the most horrid of circumstances. Is there hope? You betcha, but you have to read, you need to listen to people who give you advice about what to do and you need to act on it.

If you can, find the book Surviving An Affair and read about affairs.

STOP LISTENING to your husband. He is just talking like all the other waywards. Almost ALL OF US have gotten the ILYBNILWY speech. I was taught to think of this in terms of an addiction. That your spouse or WH is out to feel the high he has with her and is willing to sacrifice EVERYTHING in order to have it. Don't pay attention to what he says. Watch his ACTIONS.

Personally I think the fact that he can't move out is good. Because there is SO MUCH you can do while he is at home. However, the FIRST thing. Is this person married? Does the husband know about the affair or your husband.

Jenn, sorry you are here. First off, I would expose the affair to everyone, most especially your daughter. Everyone should know. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure ruins the fantasy. Exposure is your GREATEST WEAPON.

Exposure

Is the OW married? If so, her H should be told. All of her family should know if you can find them.

Secondly, I wouldn't agree to a set up where he moves in the spare room and then carries on his affair as if he is single. That will kill you. I would let him know he can't carry on his affair while he lives there.

Get to the bookstore this weekend and get the book, Surviving an Affair. That will bring you up to speed on MB.

Who is the OW? Have you spoken to her?

Yes, repost this on the SAA forum, or ask the mods to move it! There are specific steps that you can take, and you need to start getting the best advice ASAP.

If you don't know how to notify the mods, you can also just copy-and-paste your post into a new post on SAA.

Jenn, I am sorry you are here too but, you will get much support here. It is usually pretty slow on the weekends so you may not get much response right now.

What??? Your H says "it is none of your concern"? Yes ma'am--it certainly is your concern...

You should do some snooping and try to find out as much as you can about OW (other woman). Maybe put a GPS on his vehicle, a voice activated recorder in his car somewhere. Check cell phone records, bank accounts for unexplained spending and possibly a keylogger on computer.

You need to gather as much information as possible and then do a nuclear exposure--exposure to anyone who may have any influence over your H.

Talk to you daughter at once. Tell her the truth because he has already begun to spin things to her.

And, get the book SAA as the others have said. You could probably even get it at your public library.

I agree with Mel--tell him he can not move into another room in the house--that this is not acceptable to you.

Just remember--all of these things ARE your concern and let him know that there is no mistake about it. Take control of the situation--there is hope.

Hang in there. Others should be coming along after the weekend.

Yes, there is hope.

Definitely read the book and read the website Basic Concepts and the links on the concepts of surviving an affair http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

This is VERY fresh to you, just a few days of experience.

Of course, one critical thing helping me through it is understanding that the fantasy love IS more wonderful than day to day mundane spousedom. But it is a fantasy built on two people who are on their best behaviour with each other. Giving and giving and giving into infinitedom. It is not a real love.

You must do your best plan A and be your best person right now. It will give you the most control and power in this lousy situation. Anything he tells you about their joy is the script of a wayward. It could not be any other way. It is the formula of a cheater feeling entitled to cheat.

Read, read, read.

Come here and get mad, vent, express everything...

And ask questions, learn, and strategize..

You CAN do this..

no the ow is not married she lives with her mom and as far as i know she has never been married no kids.. and he told my 16 yo d not the 13 yo..shes the one im mostly worried about. I hope we can save it he says no and its been coming for a while, and he has tried to love me like he use to but just can't and shes not the reason and he's just "getting to know her" whatever.

Also, go out immediately and buy Harley's book, Surviving an Affair. And read all the articles on this website. You CAN save your marriage but you need the right advice!

Sheesh, do ALL Waynerds use the same script? ILYBINILWY....

Jenn, he's in a fog and he's not thinking clearly through the addiction. As others have said, don't listen to what he says. Think of him as an alien who inhabited your husband's body.

First two things you need to do: EXPOSE and Plan A. Read up on both here. The vets will be along to give you advice.

Exposure is your quickest and most immediately effective weapon. Expose to OW parents. Expose to everyone you think has influence over your husband. His parents, his best friends. Is it a workplace affair? Expose to work. Expose to your friends. Do they have Facebook pages? Some great nuclear exposure has been done via Facebook.

You need to tell your children. DO NOT LET HIM TELL THEM. Do some damage control with the 16 yr old. Tell the 13 yr old in age appropriate terms. Dad has a girlfriend. Married people don't do that and it's made me very unhappy. But I love your father and I am going to fight for this marriage. Please feel free to tell him how you feel about what he is doing.

And again...don't believe ANYTHING he says. If his lips are moving, he is lying.

Snoop. Keylogger on the computer. Cell phone records. Voice activated recorder, etc. Do NOT tell him you are doing this.

And start now to launch a stellar plan A. Read up on it here, put it into action immediately and come back here often for feedback and advice. DO NOT TELL HIM about this website. If you can bust up the affair and recover the marriage, you can encourage him to start posting here.

OK. Jen. Just take a deep breath--it does help.

What can you tell us about OW? Where did H meet her or how does he know her? Do you know how long this has been going on? Does she live close by? Any details about OW that could help fill in?

I think it is a good idea to sit both girls down and talk to them. They are old enough to know. Tell them the truth. They will be on your side.

Do the snooping and get every bit of information you can about OW. Do the reading--it will help you.

Just remember, your H is a crack addicted addict right now. He will do anyting to get his "fix" and nothing else matters. Affairs thrive in the dark and exposure sheds light on the nasty, malignant mold growing in the dark.

And, sorry to say but, since you know what is going on, his A will probably go deeper underground now so, you are going to have to take some of the measures I outlined above.

This is TOTALLY on script. All waywards say it. We have all heard it. Don't believe it.

Yes, no marriage is perfect which allows gaps of emotional needs being met by an other person BUT it is not as he says. He COULD have communicated better with you to give you accurate info to work on things and HE did not.

Now you know the gaps are there.....try to fill them in a plan A and show you are an attractive woman to be with. Attractive not just physical but also compassionately open to change.

The ow is about my age a yr or 2 older..he met her while working on her mothers and her house. he's been talking to her for about a month, some conversations as long as 249 minutes. I did get angry one night and email her that I hopes she likes screwing someone elses husband.

Jenn, don't contact the OW again. I know it's hard to fight the urge but, she probably got a big laugh out of that and it probably made her feel empowered. So, you don't want to give her the time of day.

You do, however want to deal with your WH. He is going to have to be the one to end contact with OW.

Does your and your H's family live elsewhere?

Do you think if OW's mother knew what was going on if she would support her D? Just depends on the calibre of people we're talking about here. Some would, some wouldn't.

Have you thought about doing the investigations? i.e., keylogger, checking cell phone records--obviously you have been doing this one since you know about the 249 minute call. Since your H is not working right now, you are having the pay the cell phone bill which means you are having to support your H's A...check into a GPS for car and or a GPS for his cellphone and a voice activated recorder.

well he is working on side jobs thats how he met her...and I wont contact her again she isnt that important. h family is close by. he pays the bills i hardly worked throughout the marriage and now he says get 2 jobs. nope im not gonna i have a part time job and thats it for now.

oh and what do i say when i do the exposure?

He has lost his job and he now wants you to get 2 jobs? To support him and his A??? He has lost his mind. But, it would probably be a good idea for you to at least get one full time job to support YOURSELF. Is he a handyman or something? Is that his full time profession?

As far as exposure goes, you don't want to do it until you have a reasonable amount of solid proof. And, as for what to say--just keep to the facts.

Some of the others can probably address this more in detail but I would do something like "For X amount of time H has been having an extramarital affair with OW. I have so and such of proof to this A.

It sort of depends on who you are planning on exposing to also as to how to word it I would imagine. But, you do not want to do this with bits and pieces--that is why you were directed to do a keylogger, gps, etc.--to get the full scope of what exactly H is doing--when, where, how often, etc. and, then you could include that information in the exposure too.

Exposure has to be done explosively--all at one with all the facts and to everyone all at one time so then your H doesn't have time to head it off in any way and spin the story. But, your girls needs to be talked to. Very important.

Tell them that your H is having an affair with OW and ask for their support in ending it. Tell them you are trying to save your family. I would start by calling the OW's MOTHER and telling her that her skankho daughter is doing your H. Ask her to use her influence to stop the affair.

First, tell your children that he is having an affair. Kids - even teens - will blame themselves for family problems, unless you tell them the truth. Plus, they need to learn that what he's doing is NOT right. So they don't grow up and repeat it. Also, he needs to feel their disappointment.

Second, gather up the information on the other woman. Get her husband's name and number, even an ex. Get her parents' and siblings' names and phone numbers. Then, you are going to sit down and call EVERYONE and tell them what he's doing. The affair needs to be exposed to the light, so that it will no longer look 'beautiful'. It's the only way to stop the affair.

Third, if you want to keep him, do a Plan A. That means meeting all his needs, looking great, smelling great, cooking his favorite foods, stroking his ego, reminding him why he wanted you in the first place. (you will only do this for a set time)

Fourth, ask the mods (hit the notify button) to move this to the Surviving an Affair section so you'll get more and more appropriate advice.