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Agree with the others. Trying to convince a wayward to do the right thing won't get you far as you have learned.
Ask her if she is going and if she is, state the fact calmly that you will then also be going. Don't bother engaging her in a discussion about it anymore.
Last edited by SusieQ; 12/12/09 06:13 PM.
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The party is tomorrow, and she is still planning on going without me. I plan on discussing it tonight and just lay it out there that she should not go. It is clear to me that I am enabling her actions by sacrificing my own feelings. Just plan on going with her, UC. Hire a babysitter, get dressed up and go with her! You don't need her permission. If the OM feels "uncomfortable" then GOOD! The more uncomfortable the better.  Betcha she doesn't want to go if you go.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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UC you stated that the affair has been going one for 1.5 years and that you have a child that is a 1 year old. Maybe you should consider DNA testing. the affair maybe has been going on longer than that.
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ps ~ Please don't show your WW this thread or tell her about the advice you are getting here!
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UC, assure your wife that the OM has nothing to feel "uncomfortable" about because you promise to leave your pistol in the car. That should make him feel safe! And promise to try your best not to punch out his little weasel [censored]. Just because you are a NICE GUY, of course.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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oh wait, you aren't a Texan, are you? If so, such a promise might be out of order... :teef:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yeah, i couldn't get away with punching his lights out where I live, but attending the party with my W would show him that I am goin nowhere.
I am 100% certian that the child is mine, he is a mini me.
I have no intentions of telling her about the advice I am getting here, it is an opportunity for me to understand better how to handle the situation. She clearly is holding on th the A, so I don't expect that she will be open to anything we are discussing here.
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Yeah, i couldn't get away with punching his lights out where I live, but attending the party with my W would show him that I am goin nowhere.
. He shouldn't be shagging married women if he is not man enough to face their husband later. If he is "uncomfortable"  then he needs to stay home with him's mommy. What a weasel! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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UC,
I have to tell you, in my two years of being on here, I have NEVER seen an Affair die when the spouse sat back and did nothing but enable it. I have however, seen and EXPERIENCED affairs end when the BS STAND UP to the Affair and TAKE ACTION to the demise.......
not2fun
ps...and prepare for her anger when you insist on going. My guess is she will probably not go then but sit around and try to make YOU as miserable as possible. So prepare for it now.....
Last edited by not2fun; 12/12/09 07:18 PM.
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A weasel indeed! He couldn't even acknowledge me back when I was in the dark.
Oh, I am prepared for an angry wife. She has already shown that in rescent conversations on the matter. She wants what she wants.
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A weasel indeed! He couldn't even acknowledge me back when I was in the dark.
Oh, I am prepared for an angry wife. She has already shown that in rescent conversations on the matter. She wants what she wants. I am more concerned about YOUR anger; your anger is justified. She needs to watch out for that. Don't let her bully you, UC. She will hate you for it. Just be calm and assured and inform her that you have decided it is best that you attend the Christmas Party with her. If the OM is "uncomfortable" then he needs to either call him's mommy  [thats for DRAMA QUEEN] or he can MAN UP and face you like a MAN. And then on Monday, how about exposing this puppy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do get a little worked up when talking about it, but this is definitely helping to plan out what I am going to say and have some expectations of her response. That way I can be at least a little prepared. I think this goes for the exposure too. If I have my goals and reasons laid out, I think it will make it easier for me to expose the situation. I know it is the right thing to do because she needs to know that her actions don't come without consequences. It just isn't easy.
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Just be sure and DO NOT tip your hand about exposure, UC. You need the advantage of SURPRISE.
And no, it is not easy, but it is RIGHT. What is harder than that, though, is living with an affair and doing nothing. That is a death of a thousand cuts that will wear you down.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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UC,
You have a 1 year old, and you know that your WW had been physically unfaithful for at least the last year. Are you even sure the child is your own?
Me 42 BS
Wife 41 FWW (exwife now)
Divorced 10/14/2008
S 21
D 18
D 16
S, S 13 (twins)
Grandson 8 months
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Well, she would have needed to be unfaithful for 1 year and 9 months, and she said that the SA lasted only one year. Plus, my child looks exactly like me.
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I'm sorry to ask, but do you know what OM looks like?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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she said that the SA lasted only one year Not talking about your child per se, but just please know that waywards lie lie and then lie some more.... don't trust ANYTHING she says...
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Do a DNA test anyway--just to cement what you already know. Just in case.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Hello, I am new to marriage builders, It was the result of my quest for answers when I found out that my wife of 4 years has been having an emotional/intimate affair with a coworker for about 1.5 years. It has been about 2 months since she confessed. She clearly wanted to confess because she basically let it all out and the next few days were filled with tears, confusion, and anger.
We are doing better, she still works with this man because our situation does not permit her to quit or relocate. We have a child together and we both want to work on our marriage because there is still love between us. I have been reading as much material from the site and have intigrated it into my actions and discussions.
Recently she approached me regarding her Holiday party. She stated that she could not feel comfortable, or have a good time if I went with her. She works in a very intimate enviroment within her department, but there are about 200 employees. The person she has been intimate with works in the same department, and she thinks that the awkwardness would raise some eyebrows among the other employees in the department. She is affraid that they may become suspicious.
I have been trying to employ The Policy of Joint Agreement to come to an enthusiastic agreement. She cares for my feelings but thinks I should sacrifice by staying home while she goes to the party. I have suggested either both of us going, or neither of us going. She is not in support of either.
We are finding that the options are pretty black and white, and after 4 days of discussion, have gotten nowhere. Are we implimenting the Policy of Joint Agreement properly? Should I let her go alone? UC, Hate to tell you this, but she is bamboozling you. The "people might get suspicious" and "it might be awkward or uncomfortable" crap are EXCUSES to continue her affair. It is still going on...right under your nose, so to speak. The reason she WANTS to go the party and does NOT want you to go is.....COMPLETELY OBVIOUS. EXPOSE THE AFFAIR TO EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY AND WITHOUT WARNING TO HER.
xWW:
Secret LTA w/ thrice married OM at her workplace; EA/PA starts ~ 2005-6
Files & completes D - 2007, OM/OMW#3 D - 2007, Affairage - immediately thereafter
Disappears in 2006 w/o even a goodbye to anyone, Never a paragraph of real truth ever spoken
Me/xBH:
M "for life", Suspicions (denied) & desperate Plan A latter-half '06
1st D-day 1/07, full truth D-day 7/08 (all via 3rd parties)
NC w/ xWW 8/08-date, better off w/o unrepentant vileness, betrayal, & rampant deceit in my life anymore
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