I am very aware that my WW has lied to me a lot, but I am sure that the SA did not begin until after our child was conceived. And yes I do know what the OM looks like. My WW tried to get me to befriend him by socializing and inviting him over to our house. I guess so I would not be suspicious.

This it makes about 20 months, or so you have been told. I shouldn't take her word about the starting time. She has lied to you for the 1.5. years of the affair. Why wouldn't she lie now about some detail, especially if it were important?

You said in a later post that it took about 6 months to go from EA to PA. Again, these are just her words. It could well have been a PA by the time your son was conceived.

I'm sorry to say these things. I just know the breathtaking cool with which waywards lie. My own H told me that his PA started "3 months ago", when I first found out in March 2003. I pressed him about the start date because I actually thought it must have been earlier than that, judging by his behaviour. He stuck to the 3 months and did not appear to be lying.

4 years later, after I finally exposed to OWH, he read his wife's emails and found one from my H setting up their first meeting. It was to take place the next time he was in Belgium, and the date of consummation turned out to be my 14th wedding anniversary.

You can see that he had a good reason for lying about the date.

Please--do the test! It is the only way to TRULY know!

She will lie her @$$ off about when it became a physical affair. You cannot trust her right now.

...roughly 20 months ago. So she was having this affair while pregnant.

Sorry again.

Yes SDCW, when I posted this, I was under the impression that I should come to an enthusiastic agreement. Thankfully, I have been informed by the wonderful individuals of the MB community that a WW has no room to negotiate, especially when it involves contact with the OM. I have come a decision to get dressed, shave, brush my teeth, and join her at the party. I will allow he to decide if she wants to join me or not. Her boss loves me and invited me anyways:)

Exposure of the affair is coming, hopefully Monday if I have the...

Yes she was having an Affair while she was pregnant with our first child, and it is perhaps the most devistating thing about the whole situation. She even admitted to bringing our child to the OM house so he could sleep on his bed while they were getting intimate on the couch. I actually got those details from her. I worked nights because I go to school and watch our child when she is at work. It just became routine for her to head over to his house after I left for work. Come to find out, he only lives 1/2 a mile away.

We need to remove ourselves from the entire situation to have a chance.

Hate to say this, but HOW are you sure it wasn't BEFORE she was pregnant?

So tell her to get a job at the grocery store for 6 months.

Well a particular event occured that pretty much confirms that it wasn't before she was pregnant, Also, My child is like a miniature version of me.

She needs to quit, I agree with that, but we need more that that to survive.

UC,
Do a DNA test. You can get one from the drug store. Denial is a powerful emotional tool. Can you tell me what the proof event was for you? More than a few WW's have had sex with both the OM and their BH on the same day to make sure the pregnancy would seem ok.

I can barely believe the amount of evil crap that she has done and how it seems to just easily roll off your back.

Please, do the DNA test. It will be money well spent.

It's like "she's okay, she's lied to me about this, I know, but I KNOW she's telling the truth about this!"

You cannot just accept your gut feelings right now.

What could that be? I can't think of a thing.

So, basically, you're too chicken to force her to choose sides. So you're gonna accept whatever scraps she throws at you.

Great role model.

Maybe I am too chicken because it is easier to go with the flow and pretend everything is alright. I told her tonight that If she was going to the party, so was I. She yelled and said that I am ruining her work party and that it is going to look really bad to her bosses if she is not there.

I, calmly, never raising my vioce like she was, said that she put herself into this situation and it is not fair for her to blaime me. I told her to own her actions. She got very upset and left.

How did was this productive? Could there have been any other outcome? How? Maybe I am weak, but I almost would rather let her go to the party alone, to avoid the anger she now has. How does this help us get through this?

It doesn't.

Avoiding anger is not a good way to cure the problem.

You are being a doormat, and this is why your wife does not respect you. What woman will respect a man who does not fight for her? You just lay down and take what she throws at you. This disgusts her and creates more of a @$&(-fest for her to throw at you.

Also, you are avoiding the reality that

she would not be going to the party 'alone'.

She would be going to meet her 'lover' and she would not be going with her lawful husband.

The avoidance you have is that she is negating who YOU are and you are letting her.

When you calmly assert your existence, you don't play along with her life game plan. She WILL be mad. She is frustrated that you are taking some of her control away.

Do it lovingly, matter of fact, don't let her tantrums rule the marriage.

'UC', you have gotten a ton of advise from here. I've been to many other infidelity forums, all pretty much the same, but this is the best, IMO.

The posters here are maybe coaches and you are a player. They give you the 'plays', you have to 'execute', (no pun intended, I know I'd want to execute a few people myself), the 'plays'.

Some, like the DNA, are good 'plays', but perhaps should be used later in the 'game', (I too have a concern over one of my girls and have not done a DNA, yet).

Some 'plays' are very good and will help you get to the 'goal line', (which is ending he affair), you just are going to have to take some good old fashioned 'licks' from the other 'players', (your WW and OM).....

Your WW and OM will probably pump a bunch of sunshine up your 'tookus', they are LIERS, (all cheaters are freaking liers), and will continue to lie to you until you get the 'game' under control.

The 'football' is in your hands brother, you know what you gotta do.

UC, your goal has been to avoid her anger at all costs. Our goal is to save your marriage. Your goal has just about destroyed your marriage and has resulted in a continuation of the affair. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive your continued conflict avoidance that enables her affair. Your conflict avoidance has brought you to this place and more conflict avoidance will not be the solution. As Dr Phil would say "How's that working for ya?"

How is it "productive" to sit idly by while your tyrant of a wife conducts her affair right under your nose? Cooperating with someone whose goal is the destruction of your marriage is to contribute to your own demise, UC. That is what you have been doing all this time. Your wife is actively destroying your marriage with her affair and you can see where silence gets you.

What you are not getting is that goal here is to save your marriage, NOT TO AVOID HER ANGER AT ALL COSTS. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it cannot survive an affair.

If she gets mad when you stand up for your marriage, does that mean the solution is allow her to run over you just to keep the peace? UC, women do not respect men they can run over. You know your wife does not respect you, especially when you ALLOW her to manipulate you. She will respect you if you stop doing this and start standing up for your marriage.

Of course she will get angry when you interfere with her affair. So what?

Don't lose sight of the goal.

It is "easier" to allow your wife to carry on an affair under your nose and go to her Christmas Party with the OM? How is it "easy" to live with a wife who carries on an affair under your nose, and shows you absolutely no respect?

As you have LEARNED, conflict avoidance causes more conflict. And by avoiding conflict as you have, you are training your wife to ABUSE YOU. It will get worse if you don't man up, UC.