That's the way Zelmo communicates, Tank. You read the post, but did you understand it? Slap on an extra coat of skin and hang with us for awhile - it's quite an educational place, here.

I'm here. I sincerely appreciate everyone's suggestions and advice. As many of you know, this is a very difficult time and I am trying to focus on not having an emotional breakdown as I go through withdrawal, try and work, and raise kids. So, I am sorry I haven't responded to everyone's posts. It's all I can do to read the information right now.

Take your time. Give it thought. Maybe go back over some of the advice you were given by various posters yesterday & ask questions.

Tank- I would suggest getting off facebook entirely. Because every time you log on, you're going to be tempted to check his profile, or see if he's tried to contact you, etc.

Facebook is more trouble than it's worth, IMO. That would also be a good show of effort on your part to show your husband your serious about doing whatever it takes to rebuild trust with him.

Instead of focusing on NOT having an emotional breakdown, focus on what you want to be.

Why?

When I played with cars more seriously, trying to go fast around a track, I learned the following: Your body will drive where you are looking.

So if I looked ahead, far ahead, around corners, not at my hood, I went much faster.

If you focus on not having an emotional breakdown, you'll end up having an emotional breakdown.

So look at where you want to be, not what you want to avoid and believe it or not, your mind will make sure you get there.

The hard part is maintaining focus on where you want to go and not looking at where you don't want to go.

Glad to see you here again, Tank.

You need to push yourself forward...throw yourself into this MB stuff so your mind has something it can focus on rather than OM.

Instead of getting angry and staying quiet about posts, let it out. Tell us what you are thinking. So we can help you. When a person has an A, their minds are so tangled up w/ lies that they can not think clearly. This is what we call "the fog" of an A. And it is very real.

You must understand that everyone, who gives their time to post to you, does so b/c they want to help you. This board is full of the kindest most generous folks you will ever meet. We KNOW how you feel and even think. We've been where you are. And affairs follow the same stinking script.

So please, stick your neck out, and tell us where you are right now...what it is your thinking so we can help clear away the fog for you. It is necessary for your healing.

So, if you think we are wrong to dismiss the closeness you feel to OM as something important. Then tell us. Be brave enough to be honest w/ us, knowing you're gonna get some 2 by 4s. They are needed. And will be delivered by folks who TRULY care about you.

Come on...talk to us.

Hi Tank ~ I'm going to suggest to you something similar to what Enlightened_Ex said above...[Btw, E_E has made some AWESOME posts to you on this thread and I do hope that you will read them more than once, Tank]...Anyway, something that I learned here that has helped me more than I have words to express is that "FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS"...So stop focusing on how "bad" you feel right now...Mr. W and I got through the withdrawal stage by going out and doing things - FUN THINGS - and not having "relationship talks"...We thought about the stuff that we did way back when we had first fallen in love with each other and we did those things - During the day, that meant matinee movies - COMEDY! At night, sometimes a comedy club, but usually it meant going out and partying - well yanno, we were 23 & 25 when we first met, so that is what we had been doing back then - lol - so we did all that we could to recreate that time...And I did NOT always "feel" like going - I am quite sure that Mr. W didn't either - but we did it anyway...And our feelings did follow our actions...

To prove this theory to you a bit Tank, think about what went on during the affair - where was your focus pretty much 100% of the time? On OM, right? Of course - so very naturally your feelings followed your actions - which I'm sure consisted of multiple emails, texts, fb messages and likely phone calls, right? Oh and don't forget to throw in all the "daydreaming" you did about him/the two of you, because that stuff counts as "actions" too...Now, imagine if all that time and energy would have instead been focused on your husband - guess where your feelings would have ended up? Yes, that is right - on HIM where they belonged...I know it's not "easy" at this point, but it IS very simple...You must take the first step, and believe it or not, the rest WILL follow...

Mrs. W

I've been thinking about you this morning, Tank...I read your husband's thread last night and his overall feeling is that you just want to feel better right now - that you came here looking for reassurance from FWWs that that would eventually happen...That resonated with me, because that is how I came to be a part of this community - ah yes, like any other wayward, my intial motivation was purely selfish - But hey, being here and reading all of Dr. Harley's stuff is what changed everything for us, so I think my original reason for coming here doesn't matter so much anymore - at least not to Mr. W and I...

So, how to feel better? Here's how things played out for me...I, like you, was MISERABLE at the end of the affair - I noticed Mr. W reading a book called Surviving An Affair and I was desperate for ANYTHING to help me feel better, so I picked it up and began reading...Shortly after that, Mr. W sent me a link to a thread here, which I read, but found another thread that captured my interest more - It was the thread of a BH fighting to save his marriage while his wife was in an active affair - It was a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG thread, but I read it, and as I did, I found myself feeling ANGER at the wayward wife and great EMPATHY for the betrayed husband - I began posting to try and help that BH in any way that I could...Only later did I actually associate myself with the wayward wife in that situation - a wake-up call of "OMGosh - that SELFISH SHREW in that thread is no different than *I* have been!" ***GASP*** So yeah, it took a while for things to sink in... I think that's pretty normal actually...During that time I began to read other threads too, Tank...What I found was that HELPING OTHERS helped to get me out of the "woe is me" victim status that I had taken on - it helped me to see that I was indeed no victim - well, a victim of my own selfishness and stupidity of course, but that is different - I also was shocked to see how very cookie-cutter that affairs actually are, and this helped me to see that my affair was NOT the special thing I believed it had been [ ]...During that time Mr. W also started posting, and the two of us found that discussing the problems of others here was beneficial to solving our own - and posting here helping others gave us some much needed common ground at the time too...This place was a Godsend for us...

Often I see waywards arrive here and have threads about themselves that go on and on for months - I can't help but think that they would benefit much more from reaching out to others instead of dwelling solely on themselves...Mr. W and I have learned far more about ourselves in posting to others than we ever would have by having long monster threads of our own...Others may disagree, but we know that is what worked for us...

I hope something I've said may help you, Tank...Looking forward to hearing from you...

Mrs. W

Strange how often a WW says this.

And almost always despises there new "Soulmate" within 5yrs weather there marriage was saved or not.

Tank

I know you feel as if you are getting "beat up" here but honestly, I haven't read anything that I interpreted as being harsh...at all.

I am attaching a link to my old thread--I was beat about the head and face and it hurt--deeply. However, I had to realize that everything everyone was saying to me was true. I had to take responsibility.

It's long but take a read when you get a chance: I was feeling exactly like you.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2185388#Post2185388

I hope that works...not sure if I've done it correctly.

You had received GREAT advice here from everyone. Mrs. W was a life saver for me and she truly knows what she is talking about as well as everyone else. (Even though I haven't heard from her in forever--Mrs. W!!)

So, pleaes don't feel like you're gettin beat up--just read some of the things people said to me but, it was quite the eye opener. I was forced to look at myself as what I truly was at the time.

It takes time...lots of it.

So, Tank...have you stopped reading and posting because someone said something you didn't like?

Honestly, I have read nothing here that even remotely resembles anything disrespectful to you.

I hope this is not the case. You will get alot of good advice here and there are many who can help you through this. You should expect some blows though--but, you have to have an open mind and see that these things are true and need to be said.

So, I hope you will keep with it and continue to read and post. I know that the situation is awful but this is the best support you can get...

I don't know that it helps, but what Gack says is a very common sentiment out here.

Right now, you are a love drug addict. Your drug of choice is the endorphins that your body puts out. OM is affected too. Less so than a female but will endure greater distance.

There is a cure: No Contact.

The moment that either of you recontact - your counter is reset. Your husband will to help by meeting your needs. This will NOT work if you make contact again. And you will continue to destroy your husband. As an addict, you care more for your fix than other people.

I know that your thanksgiving is done, but try a little cold turkey.

I'm back. Having a hard time this weekend, weekends are particularly difficult. Other than simply saying "it takes time", does anyone have any specific suggestions on how to stop crying, distract my thoughts, quit missing my other man. I'd also like to know how many of you former WWs, had emotional affairs with someone you previously dated and remained friends with for 20 years, as opposed to someone you met fairly recently or in close proximity to your affair. I'd like to connect w/ someone I feel is or was similarly situated as me.

MrsWondering wrote this to you:

Did you ever read the link to her first post that she provided for you?

StillDawn also provided a link to her first post. Did you ever read it? It began:

Did you read further, about how depressed and tearful Dawn was feeling? Did you keep reading her story to see how her feelings have changed?

I would say keep yourself as busy as you possibly can. What do you enjoy doing? Any hobbies? Take your kids somewhere and do something fun with them. Spend time (lots of time) with your H. Go out on a date, or for a relaxing weekend away. Stay away from anything (especially Facebook) that's likely to trigger thoughts of the OM.

The pain is going to be there for awhile. There's just no way around that. You can do things to take your mind off it, but it will not just go away overnight. What you need to realize is that staying away from anything and everything having to do with the OM is the only way to get through this stage. It may seem like one quick little email or phone call couldn't hurt, but it does. You get that "fix" and you feel better for awhile. But it doesn't last long before the pain sets in again. It's an evil, endless cycle, and the only way to break it is to stay NC, no matter how bad you feel or how much you miss him.

Why on earth did you remain friends with an old boyfriend for 20 years? That's a huge no-no, for this specific reason. My situation was different from yours. OM and I were friends for a year before our A started, but that didn't make my feelings for him (or the pain of my withdrawal) any less intense. My situation was complicated by the fact that I was pregnant with OM's baby when I ended my A. Talk about a connection that makes it very difficult to put the OM out of your mind and move on. Trust me, you're very lucky that this is ending before you find yourself in a situation like mine.

Tank,
Have you thought about what the payoff is for you to continue keeping these emotions going? Just possibly you are continuing to hold onto the EA in your mind. It's a choice you have to make - stay in the emotional state you are in or put your energy into trying to work with the man who has truly loved you, supported you and stayed by your side and is fighting to keep you. AND wants to work on having the best marriage and relationship with you.

You should read a letter a WW wrote to Harley...

Letter from Wayward Wife and actions to take

Gg

Whenever you find yourself missing OM, do something to meet one of your husband�s ENs. This serves two purposes:

1) It gets your mind off of OM and onto your BH
2) It puts your actions in the right place, and your feelings will follow

To help you with this...

Recovery Guide for WWs

Hi Tank -- glad you're back.

By way of introduction, I hope you're not expecting someone to tell you that the program for fixing your conduct will be different since you've known OM for many years, as opposed to if you'd only known him for a few years or months. Bad boundaries are bad boundaries. You & I both had 'em. It doesn't matter how long we had them, it matters that we fix them. Friendships with members of the opposite sex, in which the content of the conversations & interactions, or the fact of these friendships' existence, are kept secret from one's spouse, are inappropriate no matter how lengthy or brief.

So let's dispense with history. Let's talk about the present:

Where do you stand in following up on the couple of specific suggestions I gave you on p.1 of your thread? Namely:
"I would strongly recommend enlisting some good friends who have the best interests of your marriage at heart -- they can be trustworthy couples whom you & your husband can confide in together, as a couple, or a pastor, or a good marriage counselor (careful, there are bad ones, too) -- but anyway, DO consider getting someone to HELP hold you accountable, so that you don't have to rely entirely on your own strength at this time."
Have you done this?

"Re: the marriage-builder plan, what my wife & I did (at the recommendation of our marriage counselor) was that we started reading the book "Surviving An Affair" together & discussing each section, and doing all the assessments & exercises. I strongly suggest that you do this."
Have you started this?

Also, you said weekends are particularly difficult. Why do you think that's the case? Are you alone a lot on weekends, or do you have lots of free time then? Is that when you used to spend the most time in touch with your OM?