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Soooooooooo

Have you made plans for New Years yet?

How about you and the kids throwing a party for your and their friends at your house?
:happynewyear:

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I haven't completely thought about it yet. As it was I was thinking about getting through Christmas since now my mom told me that she is having Christmas on Christmas Eve instead so I guess I will have to do something just me and the kids.

New beginnings and all that jazz.

I have a lot to focus on this coming few weeks. A lot of work to do and a lot of stuff to get through. At least I will have somewhere to turn to for the right kind of support. Thanx.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Since you have the whole day open, why not look into volunteering at an old folks' home or something? Buy a boatload of candy canes and go visit all the kids in a children's hospital and hand them out? Serve food at a homeless shelter?

Can't imagine a better memory to create. (and one that will keep you so busy you won't notice the gaping hole so much)

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That's a GREAT idea cat, I will see what I can come up with.

I realized this morning that the touches and looks and even when I open the shower door to look at him is bang on. These are things he used to do to me all of the time and the funny thing is I used to pull away from HIM. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

Tonight is going to be the last night I actually spend around him because I have to work the next 2 nights until midnight and he will be asleep before I get home. I am going to do my best not to get too sad about that when he is around and I will make sure to put on my best game face.

Here's hoping to a GLORIOUS day.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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hug

Hang in there - it's going to be a tuff week.

Don't forget to breathe.

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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Well, last night he came home from work and he was so COLD to me. He played with the kids but ignored me completely. Then around 745pm I couldn't stand it anymore. I was going to break down so I got ready and I kissed the kids and then I said "I have somewhere I have to be." Then I walked out the door. I drove to a park and sat in my car, blared music and cried and screamed.

After an hour, I came home. I got ready to go to bed and then I said good night to him while I rubbed my hand down his arm. He not only pulled away but he made a disgusted noise like he was getting touched by the most vial thing he has ever seen. I just laughed and went upstairs and cried.

I made sure when he came to bed I told him good night again.

This morning when he got up, I told him to have a good day at work. He ignored me.

I am going to write him the last email I will send him, today, and it will be remembering when the kids were born.

I am only able to get through these last couple of days because I know that they are the last couple of days with him being able to hurt me.

I am making mental lists of all of his stuff that I am going to pack up for him. I am also keeping myself busy with the kids but I know that soon my world is going to crash.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I know one day, either way, I am going to feel better. I guess I just have to keep repeating my favourite quote "That which does not totally destroy me, makes me even stronger."

Last edited by Scotland; 12/16/09 08:21 AM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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This MB stuff is not for woosies.
Stay strong.
You're doing great.

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Scotland,

I've been following your sitch and wish you the best. I've been on these boards a long time (under another handle) and can empathize with you.

I know exactly where you are and how you're feeling. Everything you're going through is normal. I also wrote long emails to my ww (an ex now). Those emails are honestly a waste of time. They don't care. They don't care about your pain or tears. Your emotions are a reflection of the guilt they are stuffing away, but they deal with it through acting disgusted and treating you like a leper.

Plan B will be your refuge of safety and your break to get your bearings back. Trust me when I tell you that as time passes you will see your H more and more for who he truly is. You will also grow stronger in your feelings and realize that you will be ok no matter what. Your sadness will turn to anger and then eventual acceptance. You may even welcome his absence from your life.

It happened to me. The situation with my kids isn't ideal, but I get quality time with them and they adapt when they're young. Keep in mind that they don't want to see what's coming and they love both of you no matter what the other one has done.

But take care of yourself. There's a time where you need to focus on you and Plan B is it.

Expect nothing from him in Plan A. He is incapable of seeing anything or feeling your pain.

Let his guilt hit him later. When it does you may not want him back.

Best of luck.

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In my opinion, the (brief) emails are fine, especially the ones recalling family history events. Not a waste of time.

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You're doing fabulous! Keep going strong. You can make it. You are doing all you can to save your M. Just a few more days to go.

I wish you all the best. Will keep following your thread and praying for you.


Me, BS, 35 - H, FWS, 38
Married 15 years, 4.5 years into Recovery
EA/PA 7/09-9/09
DDay 9/5/09, started Plan A
Exposed 9/13/09, started preparing for Plan B
H finally confessed and agreed to NC 9/27/09, never went to Plan B
Still a MB rookie, but striving to learn more and put it into practice every day... w/ FWH along for the ride
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Originally Posted by Pepperband
In my opinion, the (brief) emails are fine, especially the ones recalling family history events. Not a waste of time.

Agree. I'd throw some family photos in whatever you pack up, as well. Remind him of the precious time he really had as a family and what he's throwing away.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
In my opinion, the (brief) emails are fine, especially the ones recalling family history events. Not a waste of time.

(((((Scotland))))),

ahhhh......I remember those moments, and truly they just are moments. It's good to acknowledge it, cry it out, and then keep moving. And remember, we are all here for you......

I agree with Pep.......

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your doing great.... you'll look back one day and realize how strong you really and truely are. You are an inspiration for everyone!

It's ok to be sad and cry, but know this the pain does get better once you are removed from the drama. Your doing awesome!! I will be saying some prayers for you and everyone else on here.


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
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He is projecting his own disgust at himself onto you.

He knows he is at fault so he is blaming you.

Every bad thing you get from him is because you've been making a difference with the things you've been doing. You're shining a light so dazzling he can't stand it because it reveals the full ugliness of what he's doing.

There's a reason the wicked won't be able to look Christ in the face when He comes again, while His friends will eagerly hold out their arms to meet Him.

Quote
15 And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains;

16 And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb:

17 For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?
~ Revelation 6

It's the very same principle that you see working in your life. If your WH was walking in the light, he would welcome the radiance of your love.

Instead, he runs shrieking from it, wishing the mountains would crush him and hide him from that searching light that exposes every dark and disgusting thought and action.

If you weren't blazing fabulously, he would be much more comfortable. (Hint: comfortable is bad.) Keep it up - only a few more days. You can do it!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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Quote
He is projecting his own disgust at himself onto you.

He knows he is at fault so he is blaming you.
Every bad thing you get from him is because you've been making a difference with the things you've been doing. You're shining a light so dazzling he can't stand it because it reveals the full ugliness of what he's doing.

There's a reason the wicked won't be able to look Christ in the face when He comes again, while His friends will eagerly hold out their arms to meet Him.

This is exactly what I was thinking...he is furious at HIMSELF because you are being so incredible to him and he is being such a jerk...however, the crack addiction (OW) is so strong right now and his clarity is so foggy from the drug that he can't seem to find the strength to get out.

The colder he is to you, the more your Plan A is WORKING. Trust me on this...I know from experience.

Your Plan A is truly inspirational...you are almost there!

<I can't remember...do you have VERY CLEAR CONDITIONS in your PBL on what he needs to in order to come home/start recovery? I highly, highly recommend that one of your conditions be MCing with counselor of your choice (and you will choose Steve Harley)...he can help guide you into a safe recovery.>


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Another thing...my DH has thanked me numerous times for my STRENGTH during the A...he is very proud of me and incredibly thankful for what I did to save our M. Your H WILL remember this later.

Last week we hosted a BIG Christmas party for all of his work colleagues at our home...it was a ton of work for me. When it was over and everyone had left, he hugged me in the kitchen for 15 minutes and repeated over and over how lucky he is, how proud he is to have me for his wife, how thankful he is for all I did to save our family...the changes I made during Plan A have stuck, and I know that I am loved.

If your H ever pulls his head out of that dark place, he will remember all that you have done too and be incredibly thankful. Remember this in your last few days of Plan A and avoid those LBers like the plague. It WILL make a difference.



Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Sorry for the latest angst.

Your openess, loving compassion and displays of affection are never wasted on your H even though his reaction was cranky and difficult.

Really, MB is NOT for weaklings at all. It builds on your strengths in a methodical way.

The last couple days in plan A really help to transition to B and sounds like the timing of B is going to be perfect.

Remember the first week in B will be strange to you (dealing with a WH pushing limits of it, not having him around like you are used to)

Week two you may hit a wall of grief. You should talk to your physician about ways to handle that (medication, over the counter like sam-E or prescription) and prepare.

You will need to keep the clearest head possible. You will need to know it is coming and to enjoy each day before that hits (being honest here)

Then, you will find yourself getting stronger and stronger and reflective and self-nurturing. You will find ways to spend with your children that are joyful and new and you will wonder why you never thought of those activities before!

We are all there for you and each other.

The MB path is a positive one. Not an easy path but a positive one.

Last edited by reading; 12/16/09 11:22 AM.






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MF- I do have a stipulation in there to say that he has to agree to a marriage counselor of MY choosing.

I really did think that it IS working when he made that noise but it HURT so bad. I am glad I was able to laugh in front of him though. There is one thing I kept telling myself too. He has never actually TOLD me to stop touching him. He would just grunt and now make a disgusted noise.

I am definitely going to put some pics in with his stuff so he can remember what he had. Unfortunately he doesn't really like his pic taken so we don't have too many of him. Mostly the kids and we actually only have ONE pic of all of us. That is sad to me but that is who he is.

Thanx for the support everyone. The email I am writing him today is just memories of when our kids were born. He was so happy that he cried and I know he was a proud papa. I want that one to be the last one he remembers from me.


Last edited by Scotland; 12/16/09 11:24 AM.

BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Originally Posted by Scotland
That's a GREAT idea cat, I will see what I can come up with.

I realized this morning that the touches and looks and even when I open the shower door to look at him is bang on. These are things he used to do to me all of the time and the funny thing is I used to pull away from HIM. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

Tonight is going to be the last night I actually spend around him because I have to work the next 2 nights until midnight and he will be asleep before I get home. I am going to do my best not to get too sad about that when he is around and I will make sure to put on my best game face.

Here's hoping to a GLORIOUS day.

Scotland, if your H isn't totally moved by your grace in this line of fire, then he's a heartless b@st@rd who doesn't deserve you. mad I'm wondering how quickly his addiction will wear off when he steps into the cold world without your presence and has to deal with the fact that the rosy fantasy of his A with the OW cannot be maintained.

Have a grand day - you so deserve it! hug


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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...but be prepared to deal with the reality that he may never come back. Separation INCREASES the chance reconciliation will never occur. But it offers you the best chance to preserve your love for your spouse while the affair runs its course, which won't happen if he remains at home and daily subjects you to the abuse of an affair. You would grow to hate him absolutely for the pain he inflicts upon you, and when he wanted to reconcile, you'd have no interest.

Good luck in your Plan B. Sounds like you are working with a typical self-justified, rationalizing, uncommunicative wayward here. The aliens that have taken over the bodies of our spouses all follow very, very similar scripts. Yours is following the "pushes your buttons but is very conflicted and refuses to admit it" script...


Doormat_No_More
(Formerly Barnboy)
Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
Two Years Later
Four Years Later
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