The OM bought protection, but it wasn't used on a regular basis. I think OM was hoping that I would get pregnant because that would be the incentive he thought I would need to make the break from my H so that we could be together. It wasn't something we really talked about at the time, but from conversations that occurred after I learned that I was pregnant, I think that is what was going through his mind at the time.

And yes, Gack, I was very aware of the risks I was taking. I was a big girl, and I knew all about where babies came from. I have no clue why it seemed, at the time, like a good idea to mess around with something that would have such serious consequences for so many people. Obviously, I wasn't thinking clearly at all and made a lot of bad decisions.

I just don't get this.




But....

Back to the lack of SF....

Yup, still lacking!

Gack: Have you had that talk with your W yet?

We can sit here and speculate about what's going on into eternity, but the only real way to know how your W is feeling and why SF seems to be such a problem for her is to ask.

Not yet.

What lack of care and affection?

Pretty much this entire post:



Show me the care and affection ...

I understand.
Thanks Pep

anywho ... mine is merely a suggestion.

Take care you!

Gack,

I'm asking this seriously. Why are you staying in this marriage? I would normally think you should take alot of time to decide what is right but you are involving the affections of an innocent child in this.

Because it is what I choose.
I don't really know what kind of an answer you are looking for.
A list of reasons perhaps?

I know your trying to tell me somthing, but I am just not getting it.

Are you saying the OC will be better off if I end the marriage?

Gack,

Yes I am looking for something like a list of reasons. I am saying that if your reasons are not substantial and enduring that you could hurt the child more later if you "choose" that this is not the right thing.

Your because it is what I choose does seem a little flippant.

Who is supposed to choose if he doesn't?

Look. When you are in THIS situation it is IMPERATIVE that you weigh ALL of the options and make your choice be the one with the least amount of nuclear fallout for everyone - including yourself.

There are no guarentees here.

Nothing has been guarenteed by humans is ever written in stone.

What if Gack leaves later?

What if his wife does?

What if the child throws "yer not my daddy" in his face?

What if he doesn't?

Do you see?

You can't make your decision on what ifs. You can only make it with the knowledge you have at that point in the space time continuum...and in this situation, you do so with the weight of your LIVES and another little life resting upon your pointed little head. So you weigh ALL of it and jump and hope you chose wisely.

IMO, that is all ANYONE should expect one to do.

I was looking for some insight into how he weighed those options. Usually BS's get years to get their head straight and it really only hurts the WS if they later decide that they can't do it. In that case I say the WS earned the hurt. An OC obviously has not earned any hurt.

6years: If there are any COM's, they also get hurt. Kids get hurt in divorces, whether they are OC's or COM's. So, in the case of an A without an OC, if the BS takes years to get their head on straight and then decides to end the M because of the A, the COM's will get hurt, not just the WS. D rarely only negatively impacts one person.

If only we could all have a crystal ball and predict the future. I'm guessing that Gack is staying because he loves his W and wants to make his M work.

Dunno about Gack but I considered what the OCs lives would be like if I WASN'T around and the outlook was scary.

The children NEEDED a role model that wasn't a drinker/barhoppin'/person who didn't think twice about wrecking other people's lives as long as she got what she wanted.

No one else was stepping up. It HAD to be me.

"Are you saying the OC will be better off if I end the marriage?"

No it is not just the OC that has to be considered.

You, WW, COM, the family as a whole. It's great that you are attempting to recover. There are no guarantees in life. You figure out the costs. Then you just make your choices.

Gack, your OC was born 12/30/08. You are coming up on OC's first birthday.

Are you happy to be raising the OC?

Are you happy your family is together for your COM?

Are you happy you still have the opportunity to recover your marriage?

Depending on your answers then you make your decision.

Your are mad that WW did OM every which way and you can't get anything.

Pouting in front of your WW is not going to get you any action. OR is being angry. She came back for a reason. You need to court her again. She has to feel forgiven and wanted.

Can you afford a MB weekend, phone counseling. I guess we are not giving you the tools needed, or you can't use them.

When your wheels are spinning it's time to put it into 4WD. Or you will just keep digging yourself deeper into the hole.

There are no COM in Gack's case. I have to agree with 6yr here...love is not always enough and having OC as the one and only child may make things more difficult. Gack, what is your timeline? It sounds like you are avoiding the talk.

Looking that gack is 32, young.

No COM, Doc H states in this case it usually would be better for the BH to bow out and let both bio parents raise the OC.

Maybe his WW is pushing him to seek a divorce so WW can say it was gack's fault the marriage ended. Gack filed for divorce.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, of course, but Gack didn't start this thread to ask whether or not he should leave his W. He started it looking for help with a specific problem (SF) that he is having in his M.

Hi Writer,

I know why he started the thread, and for once I had read some of his past so I knew no COM (took me a while to figure that one out). When I saw that there were already problems with SF and affection & intimacy I began to wonder why he was staying.

So I asked.