As writer suggests, the process of having an affair is intrinsically selfish. writer could not come across as anything but, at that time. Your W ex-wife was selfish, 6years, but unlike her, writer took a look at her life and her actions and chose to end that era in her life. She is now taking a hard look at her actions (because we ask her to; I, for one, find this most helpful) and seeing them actions and her mindset then for the true horror that they were.

She deliberately got pregnant and risked the home of her daughter (or do you mean her existing children? If she had got what she wanted at that time, her daughter and she would have been living with OM), but so does every wayward risk the home of their children, even without deliberately causing a pregnancy. Every wayward knows that if they get found out, their marriage could end, and thus could their children's security.

My H knew that he would get found out one day, so he told me. He DID get found out, the first time 6 weeks into his affair. He buried it for two more years, which was easy for him to do, since it took place abroad, where he worked a few days per month. He knew that he was risking the end of the marriage by starting and then by continuing the affair. He might not have regretted the end of the marriage at the height of the affair (he says he would have), but he knew would destroy the children and their home, and he knew they did not deserve that.

Every WS is horribly, destructively selfish, and the biggest selfishness is towards their children, to whom they owe their best. Some WSs try to put this right, however, as writer is doing.

W1, and other�s feel free to toss in your two cents.

OM are knocked on MB for the low morals by them willingly having a PA with a married woman.

They betrayed their BW and knifed the WW's BH in the back. At first you would think they could go no lower.

But they can. They do not use protection, then produce an OC and then walk away from their own child to never look back.

It is usually best for the WW to tell the BH about the DNA gift, recover their marriage and with her BH raise the OC as their own, and NC with the OM.

Even though NC is best. I criticize OM, for most OM never lose any sleep from abandoning their child. They don�t want to parent, input in the development of their child, put up the money of their own doing to cover the cost of raising their child.

Usually fight for custody/visitation for the OC as a way to punish the WW and BH for going after the OM for court mandated CS.

Or fight for custody/visitation to prevent NC with the hopes that the PA will restart.

Scientist�s have shown that women are very careful to protect their reproduction system. That who they mate with will make up their off spring�s character and physical traits.

So why do women keep having PA�s, and get pregnant with OM that abandon their own children. They mate with selfish men, that will not raise their own. OM that prefer to walk away then fight to co parent even if the affair is over and they do not want to restart it.

Is it that WW feel or realized they did not marry an alpha male?

Then want to have an alpha get them pregnant?

That their beta male BH will accept the OC so the BM/BH will be able to keep his alpha female and his family intact?

What makes the traits of an OM so desirable to a WW that she will let the OM impregnate her then let her child/OC be abandoned by his father?

My two cents are that you are trying to make sense of affair behaviour, which is never logical, desirable, or capable of achieving good outcomes for anyone. You are trying to make sense of the sense-less.

SC: I agree. A's do not make sense, and trying to fit them into something sensible and reasonable does not work.

The thought processes that occur during an A are not normal. They are generally full of rationalizations and defenses in an attempt to justify the behavior. So, any of the "reasons" that I could give for wanting to have a child with the OM during the time of my A would not make sense to anyone not involved in the foggy, distorted thinking of an A. They do not even make sense to me now.

My A didn't result in an OC, but we also didn't use protection. Honestly, a baby or STD's were not even in my mind. The first time, OM even asked, "do we need something?" and I said no. Sadly, in my stupid, wayward, ridiculous state, I wanted to have the true intimate experience and not have anything "in the way." Ough, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. So I can attest to the fact that the if A then B logic process is not even existant during an A.

W1

I hope you did not think I was attacking you. Just thinking about how an OM gets to walk away and leave a mess behind him just got my keyboard going.

I do thank you for giving insight what went through your mind back then.

TR: I did not feel attacked. I just don't have a good answer.

The reality is, men get to walk away from children in our society all the time. When I married my H, I already had three kids. I've never seen so much as one dime of child support from their bio dads in the last 20 years. My H and I raised these kids without any involvement from their bio dads at all. I had a child support order for the youngest two, but as soon as the first payment was taken from his paycheck, he disappeared. He left the country and wasn't heard from again for 15 years. He probably owes me around $70,000 in back child support, but I know I'll never see a penny of it.

In the case of the OM, he got to walk away because I let him. I didn't feel as though it was in my OC's best interests to get dragged through a lengthy and messy CS/custody case, and they are all lengthy and messy. I had been through that before with my ex, and I didn't want to go through it again.

It may seem like OM is getting off scot free, but he's missing out on a lot of wonderful experiences as well. My H and I get to raise this crazy little kid who always has a big smile on her face and gives the most wonderful mushy kisses and is a wonderful bundle of joy and energy. OM just gets to live with his own guilty conscience. I honestly believe we got the better end of the bargain.

Hi SugarCane,

One little correction my xWW IS selfish and childish.

Writer,

One question from your post, and this will seem harsh but I'm only pointing out for your own introspection. It seems you have 5 children with 4 different fathers and were never married to a man who got you pregnant. I think even the one child with your BH was conceived before you were married. I did the same thing with baby number one in our family. One other question is the timing between the children. The ages of the older 4 are all very close, how did you switch between men so quickly? And why did you feel like you needed to do that?

I also want to point out to the OM bashers (not to defend OM as they are not my favorite group) but they do lose the child.

The Road~ You give betrayers way too much credit. Honestly, the only thing going through my mind while cheating was-this feels good. I wasn't thinking alpha male, beta male, parcel post mail or any such thing. Yes, I knew I could get pregnant but I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about the possibility at all, and probably even worse I didn't spend ANY time thinking on the possibility of STDs. I was reckless, careless, lazy, selfish, and also foolish to think it, (preg), wouldn't happen at my age. When in an affair people generally put ALL common sense completely out of their mind, because having common sense includes saying to yourself- NO DON'T DO IT, WALK AWAY! Actually I should qualify, almost every waking moment I wasn't with om I did tell myself to stop it, walk away. In fact I would chant this the entire 45 minute ride home from his house because I was so disgusted with myself. Just sadly not disgusted enough to follow through with ending it, at least not till I received the major dose of reality- my pregnancy.

6years: Yes, I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. I have never denied that. I was raised an only child by a single mother who was not remotely affectionate or loving. I went looking for love, or what I thought was love anyway, in any way that I could find it.

And I am married to the bio father of one of my children. No, we were not married when our son was conceived, but we were engaged and already had a date set for the wedding, which wasn't far off, so we didn't even have to move up the date for me to still fit in my dress.

Trust me, I have engaged in plenty of introspection about my past choices.

And yes, the OM in my case did lose a child. It was his choice to do so.

autumn day

�Honestly, the only thing going through my mind while cheating was-this feels good.�

You had needs being met by the OM?

Did you ever insist on protection, paid lip service for it, did OM push to not use protection, encourage that it not be used?

How was protection handled from beginning to end?

�I wasn't thinking alpha male, beta male, parcel post mail or any such thing. Yes, I knew I could get pregnant but I didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about the possibility at all, and probably even worse I didn't spend ANY time thinking on the possibility of STDs....and also foolish to think it, (preg), wouldn't happen at my age.�

Something/s has to make a WW not care. Let her ignore the risks. Ignore the consequences. I sure it varies from WS to WS to take such action.

Autumn it's great the way you own your actions. Though as much as I want insight to a WW�s thought�s process back then. I see WW�s not responding to my opinion of OM. This shows to me that the WW is still protecting the OM.
All, let�s discuss.

TR: Okay, what questions are we not answering regarding the OM?

I already said that I think the OM in my case wanted me to get pregnant because he believed that would give me incentive to leave my H and marry him.

Maybe we're answering this from the perspective of WW's, because that's what we were. You can really only know your own heart and mind. It's difficult to speak for other people, even the OM. Maybe you should ask someone who has been an OM exactly what he was thinking during his A.

W1, autumn day,

"I see WW�s not responding to my opinion of OM. This shows to me that the WW is still protecting the OM. "

You are restating what you have said. You have yet to attack or think poorly of the OM. Which to me is WW's still protect their OM even after they were left holding the bag/OC by the OM.

I raised questions and speculated about the OM. WW response has been about what they themselves did and felt. No complaint on what has been said. Complaint on what has not been said. No comment on what I had to say about the OM.

WW�s do a good job of being hard on themselves, sometimes too good, but not on their OM.

I think we are hard on ourselves because we have an honest desire to take responsibility for our own actions. We are not looking to blame the OM for what we did. Both the OM and I made mistakes and acted irresponsibly, but I can't do anything about the choices that he made. I can only work on myself, so that's where my focus is.

What good would it do me to publicly attack the OM? It would only look as though I were trying to deflect my own mistakes onto him. He owns his mistakes and I own mine. He didn't force me to do anything. I made my own decisions, and I am trying to own up to that.

Do I have feelings about the decisions that he made? Of course. But that's not where my focus is. I can't do anything about what he does or does not decide to do. I only have control over me. I don't think that's "protecting" the OM. It is just choosing not to focus on those things over which I have no control.

Good!
Most of them deserve far, far worse!

Honestly, I don't CARE enough about OM to sit around bashing him or proving to others that I think he is bad. Yes, he was a jerk. But the few times I have ever alluded to his shortcomings, I have had people give me the "don't blame OM for your choices" talk. You really can't win. You hate the OM, you're shifting blame, or maybe it's because you secretly can't get over him. You're indifferent, and it's because you can't see the bad in him. I thought the point was that I need to own MY choices.

I don't understand why TheRoad wants the FWW's to focus on FOM. NC, withdrawal and recovery involve not focusing on him at all. Rebuilding and showing love, care and protection for the BH involve putting FOM out of mind. I applaud the FWW here for focusing on their BHs and not FOM.

Why are you trying to make them focus on FOM, TheRoad?