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Originally Posted by Scotland
Here's to keeping HOPE alive.

AMEN.

Hope and a plan ... awesome!

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Scotland, do you have a DETAILED plan of what conditions need to be met in order for him to come home?

And most importantly, does your IM know what these conditions are?

WH may try to talk to you, and he may try to ignore/reneg the conditions in your PBL. If he does this, refer him to your IM. Tell him all info must go through your IM.

Then your IM can ask him if he is ready to meet your PB conditions. The first one many of us had met was the NC letter. When my H decided he wanted to come home, he sent a copy of the NC letter to our IM and she forwarded it to me. Then I knew he was serious and we started talking about reconciliation.

I am a bit worried that because of the holiday your WH may try this sooner rather than later and I don't want to see you in a False Recovery. You have to stand VERY FIRM in your conditions. FRs suck, you don't want that.


Last edited by MarriedForever; 12/19/09 05:42 PM.

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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I was a little confused, did he really expect me not to see that he is moving IN with OW?

At least in my case, FWH didn't see himself moving in with OW. He told her he wanted his own place so I would be comfortable coming there, too. rotflmao

That may be something like yours had in mind, as well. For sure you've put a dent in his happy little fantasy of what this was going to be like.

Cheers to tha gal with The Plan!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
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Well, another high hurdle is being jumped right now. My DS 6 asked if he could call WH and tell him he missed him? I said "Of course you can hunny." He called and there was no answer. He started to cry that he was really sad. Now, a half an hour later WH called him back. It is seriously killing me to have them talk to him and I m sitting right here. It really hurts.

I am trying to hold it together.

This is going to get hard to get used to.

OMG DS 6 asked to talk to OW. I whispered, "No" and he hung up the phone. I asked him to come into the washroom with me since WH was calling back. DS9 answered the phone and talked to him. When I talked to DS6 about why he did that he said, "You told me to tell her bad things." I said "I told you that you can tell her what you feel even if it was bad."

The call ended with crying on my DS9 end of the phone. I hugged him and he said that he was crying because Daddy was crying. He said that Daddy told him he would come over and make Hot chocolate with him. I told him that he can most certainly make HC with Daddy but it was not going to happen in this house. I said that hey are not supposed to let him in. They asked me why and I answered with "Because Daddy doesn't live here anymore."

It is a hard thing to deal with and I have to explain it calmly and easily for them to understand.

I asked DS 6 and 9 to please not talk to OW on the phone when I am around because it would hurt me too much. DS9 had told WH that DS6 got in trouble for what he said but since I have NC I didn't say anything in the background. I know I shouldn't have said anything when DS6 asked to speak to OW but I couldn't help it. I don't even know that WH would have let him talk to her but the thought just killed me.

Harder and harder everyday until it gets easier.....I know that everyone has said it but when you are in it, it is hard to believe.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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He wanted to leave the tools....

VERY telling. He really thought he could keep his "home" intact.

You did so very very well. I really admire your strength.

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Lex- actually the whole time we spent together he was saying things like "We need to look at getting a new couch soon." "Maybe after christmas we can get a new fridge." "This tire will have to do until we can afford to get new ones." I knew not to fall for all of this WS alien babble because I heard my Mom and SIL tell their husbands things like this while they were planning how they were going to leave them.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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MF- I have been reading your thread today, that's actually what I am doing right now.

I haven't sent my IM the info yet but I did place a copy behind the family picture(the one I sent with him). This is what it says (simple and to the point)

Before I will consider direct communication with you
1. You must WANT to work on our marriage
2. You must end the affair with OW
3. You will write a No Contact letter to OW and have it okayed by me and then I will send it.
4. You will leave WORKPLACE (unless she has left first)
5. You will agree to follow a marriage counseling plan of my choosing.
6. You will take a sexually transmitted disease test and I will see the results.

of course the marriage counseling plan is MB but I didn't want him to learn about this place UNTIL/IF he was going to come back.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Scotty --

I wouldn't instruct your children to talk to OW at all.

They should be encouraged to tell their DADDY how they feel (even if its bad) -- but I wouldn't put that kind of trust in OW, that she would know what to do with hurting little kids.


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of course the marriage counseling plan is MB but I didn't want him to learn about this place UNTIL/IF he was going to come back.

Very smart thinking, young lady! Again...I am so proud of you!!!

[P.S. your conditions are great...please get a copy to your IM so that he/she will know what they are and can decide if he is serious about reconciliation per your conditions.]

Last edited by MarriedForever; 12/19/09 06:27 PM.

Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Well, I believe that at some point WH is going to introduce them. He (as far as his plan was) is supposed to live with OW and when he has the kids he will have nowhere to take them. I think he wanted to keep them here so his 2 worlds WOULDN'T collide. Well, that isn't possible. I didn't exactly ENCOURAGE them, I just let them know that when they met her they didn't HAVE to be nice. I raised my kids well and I have taught them to respect people. I was just letting them know that with her all bets are off and if they wanted to be mean to her they could. DS9 would NEVER think of it because he would be afraid of getting in trouble. DS6 on the other hand is a totally different person. The joke in the family is that he thinks so far out of the box that he is in someone else's box. I know that as far as family is concerned DS6 will be my best ally.

When I asked him what he was going to say he said "I was going to tell OW that I loved you MAMA." I told him that was nice but if he could please not talk to her while I was anywhere around. I told them that I don't want to hear anything about her unless she is doing something bad to them.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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I told them that I don't want to hear anything about her unless she is doing something bad to them.

You might have to open this up a bit.

6 and 9 year olds don't always know what bad is.

They need to talk to their Mommy about everything.

I think it is fine to tell them not to talk to her when you are around though.

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I'm so sorry for what you and your boys are going through.

(((((Scotland)))))

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Also...be sure to tell your boys that you WANT Daddy to come home so you can be a family again. But, that he can't come back as long as he has a GF.




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Marsh- I have absolutely told them that. They were aware of that before today but I do make sure to tell them whenever it comes up.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Good job, Scot. I figured you had it covered. Just wanted to make sure. smile

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((((Scotty)))),

I just popped in to see how you are holding up.....

H and I were out shopping today at Macy's. We were in the Christmas section and they had this sign thingy (some sort of thing you hang on your door or something). Anyway it said on there...

"Life is always more successful when you have a plan B".....

Anyway, I thought of you and MB and had good laugh....

Stay strong girlfriend..... You are an inspiration

not2fun

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Originally Posted by Scotland
Honestly, I do worry about him though. I know it is going to be a while before I stop thinking about him and when triggers aren't there anymore. He was the first thing I had thought about for the past 18 years. I love the man he truly is. I hope he finds himself again and then finds his way back to us. Here's to keeping HOPE alive.


I know what that means scotland. My wife had some pretty unlovable character flaws she would fall into time to time. But I new the dreams she had given up on and that was who she "Really was".

Its hard to stand by and watch as they destroy the person you are in love with. Thats why the plan B of course.. But you know that.

Truly you are doing great


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Yes its hard with the little children. They are forced to deal with real tough stuff before thier time. You will be there for them so the most important emotional support is intact.

Again hang tough, The gravity of what is happening is just starting to hit him. He is losing his home and family.

You are in my prayers


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” ...Sounds about right to me.
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Well, I honestly thought that HE would NOT try to break contact.

HOW WRONG WAS I?

I have told WH that he can call the kids whenever he wants and if the kids are available they will talk. Well, I woke up this morning to 2 messages at 730am. It must be because OW works at 7am so now he is ALONE today.

I let the kids talk to him but when he asked to speak to me I shock my head NO. That made my DS9 cry and i whispered "If you want you can hang up" and he did. Then WH called back and DS6 answered. When WH asked to speak to me again DS6 responded "Mommy will talk to you when you want to be a family with us again." Then WH said something and DS6 said "Sorry for what daddy" Then he said "Mommy, Daddy said Mommy and Daddy just can't get along anymore." Then he went back on the phone and said "Daddy Mommy loves you and we want to be a family again. I love you too Daddy. Where are you and why don't you come home." WH was trying to get the details on when a xmas party we are attending today is so he could come and I told DS9 he couldn't tell him that. See, this is a bad weekend for my IM because they are out of town till tomorrow for xmas. I honestly forgot about that when I made this the weekend to ask him to go.

Then I checked my email and guess what? I have 4. These are what he said

BS,

Please let DS9 read this email.

Please let him read it to DS6.

If he does not want to read it to DS6 please read it to them.


Hello DS9 and DS6,


I am really sorry I am not there right now. I love you so much and I really miss you guys.

Do not think that Daddy not being home is either of your faults. Neither one of you did anything wrong.

I am going to try to call you everyday. I want to hear about school. I want to hear about you guys playing games. I want to hear about everything.

I will have you guys over here for a sleepover after Christmas is over. We can build a fort if you want. Sleep inside it.

I am also going to write you an email every day. DS9 I want you to read it to DS6. When DS6 can read better he can read it to you.

If you want to email Daddy back I am sure if you ask Mommy she will show you. I would love to read an email from you guys.

I LOVE YOU DS9 AND DS6!!!!!





BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Then these 3 to me

I would like to come see the boys tomorrow.

I would like to be able to see them in their home. I dont mind if you are there....upstairs.....take the truck and go somewhere...I dont mind at all.

Please message me back that I can see them at their home.



Its really funny..you say..."Ive figured out what I need to do now."
Based on actions you have not figured out anything.

You have always tried to do things to get a reaction out of me. Ive never wanted to react because it would mostly been in anger. I kept it in and tried to keep it together for many years.

You still pushed.

Now you have dropped to the level of trying to use our kids against me. Still trying to get a reaction. Im still trying not to react and still trying to keep it in.

Why are you using the boys against me? Why are you using them as pawns?

I want to see them. They want to see me. What is wrong with that.

The plan I had figured out would have allowed me to see them 3-4 days a week in the comfort of their own home. I would have been the one put out. Going to bed really late on Wed and Thurs nights. Then having to get up early on Sat and Sun mornings.

That was not good enough for you to try to hurt me. You do realize you are hurting them as well.

Using them to talk for you instead of being an adult and talking for yourself.

I think DS6 said it best, "Why wont you let me see Daddy??"

Hes 6 years old.

I want to see them on Christmas morning when they open presents. So that does mean I want to come into their house.

I know this is probably asking the world from you but can you put my name on some of the presents? Please?

I dont wont to make this a who loves the kids more competition. I want them to know I love them. Im not going to go out and buy a whole new set of presents because WE cannot afford that.

Why wont you let them read THEIR email?
It was addressed to them.


I forgot to tell you.

I had to spend some money yesterday. I had to buy a charger for phone. This was 26 dollars. I also bought some groceries.

I hastily said I didnt want any when you offered. Then since you locked me out I didnt have a chance to get some.



Wow, great reading first thing in the morning. Well, I am NOT responding to the messages and the funny thing is I now KNOW he read my Plan B letter. SUCCESS. And Pepper, You were right on telling me to do this just before Christmas. I honestly didn't think it would matter much because he has always said that Christmas is too commercial.

Thanx people.




BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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