Plan B is more than just your actions. It's a mindset you must get yourself into. It's training yourself to not think about, ponder, wonder about WS. You are not doing that.

Pianoman, many victims of waywards [and I include the whole gamut of waywards to include all infidels] are very eager to write off their bad behavior as a "medical" problem rather than just bad behavior because they just don't want to believe they could be so BAD. As an alcoholic myself, I have had that done to me too. But, I did always have a choice about my behavior just as your wife CHOSE her behavior willingly.

Please don't give into the temptation - and I know it is tempting - of writing off bad behavior as some kind of SYNDROME. That would be a mistake that helps no one. Doctors are usually the WORST in this regard, too. They don't know much about addictions and their cures so they tend to conjure up cute little syndromes for everything.

Please stick to your Plan B and ask them to leave you out of it. Hearing about it just keeps you embroiled in all their drama.

Well, not thinking about WS might be impossible at times. But you do not have to dwell on those thoughts. If you are constantly informed about WS activity, problems etc.. you will tend to dwell on her and on and on.
See you WS as a cancer, you need to cut the blood flow.
blessing

SMB is absolutely right.

Inasmuch as I cannot read her mind, this seems to describe my WW to a "T."

Three weeks into her self-imposed "exile" from our house, she has not attempted to break NC once, and has only made two requests -- through my attorney (and NOT my IM) -- for items she left behind. Then, last week, she contacted my attorney with a request to arrange a date for her to complete her move out.

Unlike other WS here, mine seems to be quite satisfied with her new life. Despite not having a job, having to find an apartment and having shut out all of her/our old friends, I can only imagine how satisfied this "determined" woman must fee. I also wonder what affect OMW is having...

It's hard to explain, but for me it seemed to begin as more of a spiritual process. I became discontent in my M. Nevermind that it wasn't just my H who needed work. I was no prize at times. But I started the woe is me routine. Not enough SF, not enough romance, I don't feel good enough, I'm invisible to him (waa waa waa). I felt this inclination to be different myself, but my own ressentment drowned it out. It felt better to be a poor neglected wife. I would sit in church and stew, verses would come to my mind, and I would push them away. Unless God was going to change my H, I didn't want to hear it. Pretty soon I stopped hearing it. Then a coworker became a friend, then a flirting relationship. Then someone to go out places with (with a mutual friend along, so no problem, right?). I remember sitting in church in Nov. distracted because OM, friend, and I would be going out while H was out of town. I felt something in my spirit say, "Stop this, don't go." I shifted in my seat and basically told the voice to shut up. Five months later I went to his apartment and the EA became a full blown PA. By that time, all I thought about was how good the attention felt and how much I "deserved" to be "happy." Group throw-up, please.

By the time I was fully in the A, I dressed different, talked different, everything. I did spiral into full mania before it was all over, but I was wayward way before I was manic. Looking back now, I cannot believe the thing I thought and felt then. It is disgusting.

Could this explain why WS has decided not to come home for Christmas and New Year? He wouldn't have seen me but I am disappointed he won't see his family now.
I thought before that he was quite proud of himself, introducing OW to everyone 'n all.

Fred, it is very early n this process. Give it time. It took my XW a couple years to hit bottom because her phsical attractiveness cushioned her fall.
Luuorosi, that is an amazing tale. It must seem surreal.

But you recovered. Whether the impetus to do so came from within or from without, you found a way to "wake up" and get back on track. For this, I commend you.

Are you the exception and not the rule? For every active sober and recovered alcoholic, there are nine who are not.

Your story is both poignant and significant. It shows how truly "insane" one can become due to an affair. It also shows how it takes work and willingness to recover. Not everyone (maybe not even the majority) have it within them once the madness takes over.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wondering about a WS. What is wrong is to obsess about it, so that you are not able to function normally. If thinking about the WS at all triggers that kind of obsessive behavior, then one should avoid it as much as humanly possible. I'd like to think that at this point I'm able to have the occasional thought without taking total control of me.

Yes Fred, my H too. He seems quite happy with his new life. But our WS might be so hardened in their entitlement that it might take them a while to spiral down, if they ever will.
This should tell us that we are lucky not to have to deal with them. They are dangerous because they do not care but about themselves. They are heartless and disconnected from their feelings. Can you imagine the misery we would be in if they still lived with us! I had 2 years of it and IC today told me that those 2 years damaged me and it will take a while for me to climb back up.
blessing

But you recovered. Whether the impetus to do so came from within or from without, you found a way to "wake up" and get back on track. For this, I commend you.

Are you the exception and not the rule? For every active sober and recovered alcoholic, there are nine who are not.

Your story is both poignant and significant. It shows how truly "insane" one can become due to an affair. It also shows how it takes work and willingness to recover. Not everyone (maybe not even the majority) have it within them once the madness takes over.[/quote]

What initiates recovery? Is it possible that an external "force" can do it? Of course initiation is just the start; the process has to continue willingly - but it must start somehow.

To recover on a personal level after an A it takes a lot of courage, willingness and strength from the part of the WS. Just like Luri did.
When my H told me he was unhappy in the M and I suggested he go into IC and then MC he said that that would have required too much energy. That he wanted to put his energy into developing a new relationship with a new person. And that at this stage in his life he probably had 15 good years left and that he was going to dedicate his old age to personal growth and to finding himself. Right now basically he wants to dedicate the next 15 years of his life f*@king as many women as he can....one at a time.
blessing

Pianoman,

I'll offer my thoughts. You are in plan B and that means you stay dark from WW. You are in plan B so you don't accept indirect communications with WW. You are in plan B which means you remain removed from the drama of her life.

I think you are doing those things. The speculation on the part of her family about her behavior and what is behind it is just that speculation and it is NOT indirect communications with her about her.

I think you should continue limited communications with her family because...YOU ASKED THEM FOR HELP WHEN YOU EXPOSED!!!! Right? They are trying to help and they are not really involving you, they are simply informing you of their ideas and potential plans. Sort of a heads up.

My take and yes perhaps I am being charitable, but it is the Chirstmas season, is that they are trying to help her and they are trying to help you just as you asked them to do. To cut them off is counter productive.

You are in a dark plan B, you are receiving no indirect communications from her. You are not communicating with her and YOU are not the one that had the affair so this is not about you getting your needs met by vicarious interactions.

Therefore, my conclusion is simply that these folks (her family) are keeping you informed of THEIR efforts and they are trying to do as you asked...reach out to her and see if they can stop this.

Thank them profusly and wish them well in their efforts. That would be my advice.

God Bless,

JL

Her family is dumbfounded by her behavior. I did ask them for help when I exposed - they contacted her but of course she hit them with the typical wayward spin. They didn't know who to believe or what to think. Now it is pretty obvious to them that something is wrong, and that her story was spin. I shared the concept of fog with them when I exposed, but I think they still don't believe it, which is why they think there is a physical cause for her behavior.

I'm glad that they have finally seen the situation for what it really is.

I can't imagine the spin my H is going to give my son during xmas. When son left for college we were still living together so this separation has been like a cold shower for our son.
I told son the truth but H still did not give him the spin. I am sure he plans to now during the holidays: I have never been happy with your mom, this OW makes me happy, she is this and that and is not like she appears to be. I am sure you want me to be happy. I could no longer function in that M and I was worried my unhappiness would have effected u and I am sure it did...bla bla bla
My son will be all understanding for fear of losing his wayward dad. After all he will be spending a lot of his time with her kids....I am sure that is what she is aiming at.
blessing

Aetna, it is amazing how kids figure this stuff out after a while. I have a friend with similar concerns.
In my case, not knowing anything about MB back in 1994 when my first wife embarked on a series of affairs, I kept my mouth shut. My boys were 4 and 6 at the time.
9 years later, my then 13 year old, came to me and simply asked "Dad, when mom was out all those nights, did she cheat on you?"
I finally told him the truth and even gave him the names of two of the men whose identities I knew.
Shortly after that, he inquired of his mom and she almost fell down the stairs while carrying the laundry.
Then I received my first and only apology from her, a 20 second , insincere blurb where her unmet emotional needs were cited as justification.
Kids figure this out. My son is now almost 20 and wants nothing to do with his mom.

It's been a while since I've posted. Have been in a relatively dark Plan B until yesterday. I'm looking for perspectives and experiences regarding an apparent change in WW's attitude / behavior.

WW emailed early this week - wanted to get together to review taxes. I offered to email them for her review, but she wanted to come to (our) house. She also asked if I needed any help with yardwork. This made me curious, so I agreed for her to come over, which happened yesterday - first time we've been together in 7 months. Went over the taxes and worked in the yard for a couple hours - lots of smiles and friendly conversation. Then we went out to have some quick dinner; again very pleasant -no relationship talk at all. Then she returned to OM's house.

I think I'm far enough along in my personal recovery to not let this entice me onto the roller coaster of false hope - done enough of that. But I am curious, and I'd welcome anyone's perspective on seeing this kind of apparent change in a WS.

I'd bet she's just getting a feel on if you will take her back before she dumps OM and his hovel.

If you're in a good place don't let her ruin it.

Stay in a dark Plan B. Affairs almost always end and they end more quickly when the affairees are living together. She may be checking out what her reception would be from you.

Right before my WH and OW split up, she started spending occasional nights at her husband's home. I asked him about it and he said she did it to "save gas". See, they can never just tell the truth that they made a big mistake.

Your best bet is to continue making a good life for yourself and hope that she will want to join you.