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Crusade,

Your marriage can be recovered but you need more information. Several have made some great recommendations: suggesting that the house itself is a trigger for you.

You said something a few pages back that I thought was telling. You said
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Imagine, her reason for doing it was the thrill of sin. Once you get into it even though you want to stop your caught up in the in it. I honestly have to believe though that if they were not caught that they still would have been active with one another.

she has struggled with her self worth and was very sexually active right until we got engaged. I don't think she ever resolved those issues and bought it into the marriage.

She has shown me in the last year that I can trust her.
At this point of recovery you should not be "imagining". She needs to be telling you. You also said
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I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense.


This is NOT nonsense. This is a big clue as to what her needs are. She needs communication, she apparently likes flirting (my guess as I have not read the texts), and she was pursued.

You MUST figure out her needs. She MUST figure out your needs.

Harley, did say he would divorce if his W had an affair. With the caveat that they had no children.

However, also says and the data is very clear that two things can and will help recover a marriage. These are his two polices. One is called the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. and the other is the policy of Radical honesty. You need to read up on these policies and I will tell you why.

You are not being honest with your W. She needs to KNOW about the movie still playing in your head. She needs to hear what is holding you up in recovery. She needs to know that your spirit is way down. And then the two of you need to be very honest with one another and make a plan to recover.

Let me offer you something to consider. Many years ago (yes I have been here over a decade) several BS's were trapped with triggers. One particular lady had a husband that had taken his OW to many resturants in the area and used a variety of big name hotel chains for his affair. Every time she saw these restaurants she trigger, every time she say these hotel chains she triggered. Their marriage was headed for the dumper.

What was recommended and what she did, is and her husband eat at every restaurant that he ate at with OW. The stayed at every hotel and "took back the memories" for this hotel from what he had done with OW to what THEY had done at that hotel. It worked.

You might want to consider "taking back your house" if you cannot move. It can work, and your W needs to know why you are doing it and what you are trying to accomplish.

Please do the reading of the Harley articles here. Have your W do the same. It seems you want this marriage to recover, although you don't feel so hot about it now. It can, but things must change. Plans must be made to protect the marriage, and each other. Plans must be made to have a marriage that you both enjoy. Plans must be made to regain the trust you lost.

The templates for these plans are on this site. Ideas for how to impliment them can be found in Harley's articles and within this discussion section. I will leave you with one other thing. Please read Harley's four rules for a good marriage. They are simple, they are obvious, and they are frequently not implimented by couples. These rules are the basis for a planned recovery.

You feel empty now, because you don't know what to do other than wait for things to change. Crusade, things change when things are changed. You and your W need to change the dynamic of your marriage and the information on this site is a great and successful place to start.

Please read it. Please talk with your W and have her read it. The plan is to build a better marriage than before. You cannot do that dredging the past, but you would be a fool not to use the past as a learning tool to make a better future.

You CAN do this. You W CAN do this. Please think about it and give it a try.

God Bless,

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 12/22/09 07:30 PM.
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JL, Thanks so much. I will keep reading everything mentioned and in time hopefully everything can become second nature to me.

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Crusade,
It must seem like we're throwing at lot of stuff at you. Take time, asborb everything. Recovery is a process. You might want to print out the article and give it to your WW. It's Harley's response to a wayward wife and what a Wayward needs to do to start recovering the M.

Rules for Wayward to Follow

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
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Crusade:

It is very important to not make any rash decisions at this time. Everything is too fresh. Accept the fact that there was a breakdown in your marriage first. If you can do that, you had a role in the breakdown, but not in the act of the betrayal itself. Your wife owns that by herself.

Take everything one day at a time. Get the MC and keep an open mind. The good news is your wife was caught red handed and you don't have to play the guessing game that most of us had to play with our WS's. It sounds like she is fessing up and that is important.Your life and marriage is upside down now and nothing is as you knew it the day before you caught her in the act. Try to get her to open up and talk and allow her the ability to tell you everything.

I feel sorry for you since you just had a dose of real life thrown at you that you never thought would or could happen in your marriage. Most people and marriages have imperfect lives and you are now part of the club of BS's.

There is life after an affair so give your wife some time to see how things play out. Smart spouses don't have lunch with people of the opposite sex because it can lead to something. It was a mistake to allow the person in your house but you know that now. If your marriage wasn't broken to some degree, it might have been less likely to happen.

One day at a time for now.

TooSoon


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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Crusade,

One other thing that Harley points out from his experience counseling couples trying to recover their marriage...it takes roughly TWO YEARS, sometimes longer. You are only have way there, and further the one year anniversary is almost always a big trigger.

So don't despair. You can do this, and you are pretty much on time with all of this.

Hang in there.

JL

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I always felt that it was her place to tell her mom.
Would you trust a drug addict who stole all the family's money to support her habit to just go and tell her parents that she has ruined the family so she can have her fix?

Would you trust her to even tell the truth?

Come on. Time to man up. Time to stop thinking you have to be 'nice' to women just because they are women.

Do you know the #1 reason women stop loving men (IMO)? Because she loses respect for him. Because he is too nice. Because he won't fight the other guy for her.

You are THAT man now.

Time to man up and fight. This is war.

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Catperson, I won't fight the other guy for her. It would of been easier if told me that she wants to be with the other guy. To me she's not worth fighting for. Kids yes, her no. Sorry if that sounds cruel.

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Crusade, is she a dirtbag? Are there other problems with living with her besides this affair? And any affair that lasts a year right under your nose is no small thing.

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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by MaiMai
Originally Posted by Crusade7
Gg mentioned that the OM may have met some emotional need. I figured after the fact they she may have loved him because I came across thousands of texts to the OM when I started looking through the phone bills. Send texts while under the same roof?? I can't make sense out of nonsense.

Nah no more shelter. I have a 69 yr old God Father I took in years ago and if she decides to sleep with him than I think I'll take that as a sign to join monkhood.

You likely know so little about what really happened. You need to figure out if you are fine with that or not.

This was NOT the first time!

Do you need to know everything?

MaiMai, what's your story?

This is not a thread about me.

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Bubbles, other than her immutrity and anger I don't see any other issues. I defintely see changes in those areas.
Dirtbag..?? No. She is a very good willed person.
It's not a small thing and that's why I am struggling with it so much.
I was thinking of people who have their arms or legs cut off. How do they go on like it never happened? They replace the limb with plastic, fake stuff to help the survive their everyday life. Their life is never the same.

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Bubbles, other than her immutrity and anger I don't see any other issues. I defintely see changes in those areas.
Dirtbag..?? No. She is a very good willed person.
It's not a small thing and that's why I am struggling with it so much.
I was thinking of people who have their arms or legs cut off. How do they go on like it never happened? They replace the limb with plastic, fake stuff to help the survive their everyday life. Their life is never the same.

Your life never will be the same, you are correct.

However, your marriage can be better...

You will never erase the infidelity, but, it may be possible to grow from it. Much like a flower can grow from manure.

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Mai, How does it get better? Is the committment any stronger than the day we both said "I Do"? Is the sex better knowing the person you committed and vowed has shared the marriage bed with someone else? Does the emotional aspects get better knowing you didn't fullfill some EN prior and always on guard becasue God forbid if your not able to fullfil that need..

I am not trying to be a jerk but I just don't understand how a marriage is better after an affair.

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Mai, How does it get better? Is the committment any stronger than the day we both said "I Do"? Is the sex better knowing the person you committed and vowed has shared the marriage bed with someone else? Does the emotional aspects get better knowing you didn't fullfill some EN prior and always on guard becasue God forbid if your not able to fullfil that need..

I am not trying to be a jerk but I just don't understand how a marriage is better after an affair.

Basically you can reconnect with your wife. Don't get me wrong, this is no easy task. It takes a man of tremendous will. And, if your wife is less than 100% willing, you will be wasting your time.

It doesn't happen in weeks either. This is a process of years.

You also won't ever, ever forget the infidelity. Don't let anyone fool you about that. It will however, sting less over time, as it is replaced with renewed love for your wife. Again, that is only if she is 100% committed and loving in turn.

Is your wife ready for this journey? Has she agreed to 100% transparency? She should willingly hand you her cell phone and password. She should let you install a GPS if you want. She should call you from land lines with caller ID to check in. Basically she needs to bend over backwards to make you feel safe.

Where is she in this process today?

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Mai, I believe she is 100% transparent and is committed to rebuilding. I have my reservations cause it's going to take a heck of alot to win my heart over and see someone new.
I am doing the things with her like I always known to do and forceing myself to enjoy those moments. Hopefully one day it will be real in my own heart.

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Is your wife sorry for boinking the other man? Is she really really sorry and remorseful? Did she cry about it and tell you how rotten she was?


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Is your wife working at a job? Are you working at a job?

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Catperson, I won't fight the other guy for her. It would of been easier if told me that she wants to be with the other guy. To me she's not worth fighting for. Kids yes, her no. Sorry if that sounds cruel.
I'm not saying to fight HIM. I'm saying to fight the AFFAIR. It doesn't even matter if you keep her. The affair is ruining lives. It must be stopped.

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Mai, How does it get better? Is the committment any stronger than the day we both said "I Do"? Is the sex better knowing the person you committed and vowed has shared the marriage bed with someone else? Does the emotional aspects get better knowing you didn't fullfill some EN prior and always on guard becasue God forbid if your not able to fullfil that need..

I am not trying to be a jerk but I just don't understand how a marriage is better after an affair.
Because, if she stops the affair, and realizes what a horrible thing she has done, and is horrified by her actions - and yes, this does happen; you can see it in a lot of thread here in the Recovery section - BOTH of you are literally scared straight. You vow to each other to NEVER let complacency take over your lives again. Or lies. Or indifference. Or resentment.

You go to counseling together. You set up weekly relationship discussion time, where you vow to be honest with each other, and you work through any issues that are brought up instead of stuffing them and turning to others to have your needs met.

Yes, there will always be a pain in your heart. But the relationship you build TOGETHER after that can be stronger, better, more loving, and more respectful than ever before.

You're hurting right now. That's expected. And no one will fault you if you decide you don't want her. But I'll tell you that I have seen some humdingers here, where the man vows no way in h&ll he'd ever take 'that woman' back; and yet a week later, he's asking for advice on how to fix the marriage.

Just give yourself some time before you make any concrete decisions, ok?

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Mai, I believe she is 100% transparent and is committed to rebuilding. I have my reservations cause it's going to take a heck of alot to win my heart over and see someone new.
I am doing the things with her like I always known to do and forceing myself to enjoy those moments. Hopefully one day it will be real in my own heart.

Well 'fake it until you make it' is a start! smile


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I have my reservations cause it's going to take a heck of alot to win my heart over and see someone new.


Crusade,
This is how you move forward - by your WW's actions everyday for the rest of your M. It is going to take a lot of work on her part. I can tell you that is the only reason my M is R - because of my FWH's actions everyday.

Crusade, the first six months are awful. Your belief system and the foundation that built your M have been shattered. Mine and others here were too but day by day and little by little we got through. Recovery is a process and what you are going through is the first of many phases you will go through. I went through them and the good people here helped me.

Like JL and others have written, your M will never be the same but it is possible to have a better M and become even better people.

I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better but in the angry phase - you have to get through day by day until you calm down and can make decisions on how you want to move forward. It comes down to choosing - either try to recover your marriage - or not.

Gg


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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