My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have been married for 7. We have an 18-month-old son and have recently been trying to have another child. Unfortunately, in the last 5 months, our attempts have led to two miscarriages. I had my second D&C (procedure to get the baby out) two days ago and yesterday, only one day later, I stumbled into my husband's yahoo email (he forgot to sign out) and discovered that for the last four months, he's been having an email love affair with an ex-girlfriend who lives in another country (his very first girlfriend from 15 years ago). I guess the girl got a hold of him through friendster, and she started emailing him. At first, their conversations were about why and how their relationship ended (they never had closure), then what began as an innocent "hi, hello" led to a secret online love affair ("i miss u, i can't wait to talk to you, i love you, i dream about u, i can't wait to see and touch your face, etc., etc.) Oh my, I felt like I was sinking into a big, black hole as I read their emails. I showed my husband the emails and he said, it was a mistake, he was sorry, etc., etc. What gets me is, during our first year of dating, I found out that he had cheated on me in a manner similar to this. There was nothing physical that went on (the girl was in another country at the time also, but she was an old childhood friend). I found letters between him and her that indicated their love and affection and wishes to be physical with each other. Then 6 years ago, a couple of months after my father passed away, my husband (I'll call him AB) and I had an argument and he decided to spite me by going out to a club two nights in a row with some of our friends and dancing with a girl who had already expressed interest in him. Again, nothing happened, because my friends were there, witnessed everything, and even saw him home.

I know that nothing physical happened in any of these cases, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. And to hurt me like this 3 times makes me really question if I ever truly was the one for him. And after everything we've been through, the loss of two babies within 5 months, and to find out about the second affair a day after my last miscarriage is eating at me.

How do I deal with this? Where do I go from here? I have considered divorce, but when I think about our son, how much I love AB still, and how much he loves me, I don't think divorce is the best option, or am I just fooling myself? He has been good to me all these years, as I have been to him. Our sex life has not been lacking, and I certainly have been a caring and loving wife, and he has said so also. He is a great father and lover, but obviously he has deep-seated issues that need to be resolved. I keep asking him if he has doubts about whether or not I am the one for him, because I can't think of any other explanation for his behavior, but he says no and when I stop to consider everything we've been through, and all the ways he has expressed his love to me, I am not inclined to believe otherwise. He says he is willing to go through counseling to resolve his issues, then after that, we can go to counseling together. I think it will help, but I am so hurt I don't know if I will ever recover from this emotional pain. I am afraid I will resent him forever, and that, eventually, is what will end our marriage.

JCK, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. Welcome to MB. As I'm sure you'll appreciate, Christmas will be a slow time on the board, but you will get the best help here.

Since your H is willing to go to counselling, I would advise that you do this right now: click on the "Counseling Center" link at the top of this page and send an email requesting an appointment. You will be able to book a telephone coaching session (when they reply after Christmas). The coach, whom as I understand it will either be Dr Harley's son Steve Harley, or his daughter Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers, will speak separately to you and your H. They will not coach you together, so your H will be able to discuss his "issues" freely.

I have never coached with the Harleys because I don't think I could get my H to do that now. (We are British, and our culture is not as open to counselling and seeking professional help as is the USA's, in my view.) However, I believe now that there was a time, when his affair was newly discovered, that I could have got his agreement to coaching, as he was desperate to do whatever I wanted to repair the marriage. However, I knew nothing of MB then. I strongly believe that our recovery would have been much more successful with Harley coaching.

Dr Harley (and Steve and Jennifer) does not take the approach of many counsellors, which is to talk about childhood issues to try to discover the root of the problem. Dr Harley practises a behavioural approach, which involves focusing on stopping the offending behaviour NOW and not repeating it. It is highly recommended by all here who have coached with the team. I urge you to go straight to them.

It is 25 minutes into Christmas Day here in Britain. Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Ah, yes, the "innocent" email just to say hi, get "closure", apologize for something, whatever...

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. This is yet more evidence why any kind of contact with ex-lovers is a very bad idea.

It's why Dr. Harley says the following on page 178 of Lovebusters:


My W secretly emailed her ex-lover, whom she had not seen or spoken to in more than 23 years. He apparently found her and emailed her then she responded because she thought it was an "answer to prayer" so she could apologize. I discovered it after four days and about 20 emails between them.

I am thankful I found out when I did It didn't develop into a love affair as you described, and I was spared the pain of what it could have been. I'm convinced it would have if I had not stepped in when I did. Still, I know the feeling you describe of sinking into that "big, black hole." I'm still trying to climb out of it, but that is mostly because of the poor way my W has handled the situation rather than the contact itself.

We attended the MB weekend in October and are working through the 1-year program.

Even though your H and his ex didn't get physical, he was still 100% unfaithful to you - emotionally, in his heart. Whether it's worth divorcing over is up to you. Is he repentant? Is he owning his behavior and how wrong it was, or is he making excuses and saying it was really not that bad since it didn't get physical? Is he willing to make his life transparent and be honest to the bone with you? These have been the issues that have kept us stuck.

Thank you, ottert. I'm sorry about what your wife did, and am glad you found out sooner than later.

Yes, my H is repentant. He did not make excuses, and for the first time, he admitted what I have said to him many times before - that he always tends to look to another woman for affection whenever he is feeling insecure about himself. So when he said he would go to counseling, I said go for it, because I absolutely cannot go on with this pattern of behavior. He gave me his Facebook and Friendster account information and he has opened up his emails to me. So we'll see I guess where this goes.

Thanks again ottert, and thanks SugarCane for your suggestions. It's Christmas today and I needed to see the good in people, and your kind words meant a lot.

Is your husband willing to cut off all contact? Is he asking for forgiveness, or is he blaming things on you?

He has cut off all contact with that woman. I also emailed her and told her that I knew about their secret online love affair, and she replied and asked for forgiveness for pursuing him and for causing our family so much pain. After hearing from both him and myself, she terminated her email account.

Have you read the articles on here, the Lovebank, emotional needs and lovebusters for a start.
While it's wonderful that your H go to counseling, it's of no use if you both don't understand how to prevent another A from happening.

Try doing the questionaires on emotional needs and lovebusting.
If affection is in the top 3 for your H, this is a need that you need to be sure to meet, and one that is only met by you.
Admiration is generally up there as well, and this is one that OW was likely meeting ..... another EN that is only to be met by you.

Sugarcane suggested counseling with Harley's, that would be the best marriage counseling you could get.
There is also an MB seminar coming up that would be of great benefit to both of you. It's a really good and fast way to learn the tools of how to affair proof your M.

Thank you for your comment,Vittoria. I assure you, I never claimed to be blameless in what's happened. In fact, the first thing I asked him was what he found in her that he didn't find in me, because whatever it was that I was lacking, I needed to know if or how I could work on it. We will get counseling, because obviously we have problems. I never said he or I was wonderful, or that all was wonderful again.

By the way, what is up with everyone's use of acronyms or abbreviations? I don't understand most of them like BW, LTA, etc. It's like you're all speaking in a different language.

oh JCK, I'm sorry, I didn't think that you came across that way at all. (claiming to be blameless) I'm sorry that my post came across that way.

Don't for one second think that your H's EA's are your fault, they are not.
He doesn't understand boundaries in M, he doesn't understand how to protect your M.
He was thinking selfishly, not considering anyone else but himself, he was only thinking what was feeling good in the moment.
This is very dangerous and destructive thinking.
Your H's A's were his decision.
You are both responsible for your 50% of the M, he is 100% responsible for his betrayal.

It sounds like he wants to stay M'd ...... would he counsel with the Harley's???
Would he post here on his own thread???
Is he willing to read the articles on this site???

A good book to start with is Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley.
He explains how A's happen, how M's that are not protected succumb so easily to infidelity.
Heck, before my H's A, I had no idea how vulnerable my M was.

You've had a rough go of it lately and now you are dealing with this. Hugs to you!

The abbreviations .......
here

Here some reading from this site to start with. How affairs start, how they should end ....

One thing that you both should be aware of, I can't remember if ottert mentioned it or not, but No Contact (NC) should be in place for your WH and the OW that he was emailing. This means forever!

You need to verify this NC for quite some time and continue to verify that your WH is being honest with you.
A keylogger is a good idea, one that is invisible on the computer.

How can your WH make you feel safer .....
by being transparent with his emails, any computer activities really, and daily activities,
he should also have extra-ordinary precautions in place, meaning that he should eliminate any conditions that made his EA's possible.

I'm fading away here, and rambling, and need to get to bed, hope what I've said makes some sense.

It's holiday season around here so the forum is slow, keep posting, you'll get a wealth of info and support here.
Many of us have been in your shoes.

Thank you. I wasn't upset or hurt by what you said. I just needed to clarify things. Thanks for the support & suggestions.