Maybe this will help guys but I relate to what you both are going through.

A counselor years ago told me that when someone goes through a separation, divorce that it was like the other person died. I expect that what thet were talking about was when something was final. Although the other party did not die, A part of our old life did die. This is why we mourn so and its part of the process for new birth whithin ourselves.

I come here to connect with others who have suffered loss and because I have seen these principals that are used here work in my marriage I support them. Its hard to read here sometimes because I see the mistakes I made when I isolated myself and didn't follow similar advice. But what kind of man would I be if I didn't support the truth? I know that in life God wants us for himself first, then we can be there for others. What happens to people in affairs draws them to God IMO and He will not let them down.

When my wife died I also went to God in tears and guilt and anger and begged him to help me. He is working day by day to get me to realize I am still His.

He doesn't want us to think we are damaged goods and wants us to see again that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made" The experiance we are going through will enrich our lives with Him, and take our security out of the hands of circumstances or people. There will be a time when fear, anger and bitterness will be gone and our relationships will be better because of it. This is a beginning, not an end but the mourning period is healthy as we process the loss.

My prayers are with you and you both are doing great

Hi TraciS,

We have had quite a wind storm up at my house. I had this awesome response to you on my thread, and low and behold it was gone when the power went out.

Hmmm... is it G-d or is it odd. I chose G-d so I am thinking my message wasn't what he wanted me to say to you.

I am heading out in a little while for my AA mtg, but I am home tomorrow and will do my best to read up on your sitch and just give you hug along the way.

I'm sure the vets are on here giving you the best advice, but it really touched me that you came on my thread and said what you said. Thank you.

I'm really glad that Mark got on there and gave his much desired input. He was absolutely INSTRUMENTAL in helping me find my walk with G-d. Not because he told me what to do, he just helped me stay focused on G-d.

On my thread somewhere is his flashlight analogy that I couldn't do nearly the justice too, but the long and short is. A man was walking in the forest and had nothing but this flashlight that kept him moving. It was absolutely pitched black on the sides and the way out of the forest was keeping his eye on the light. The light was G-d. I got so sidetracked trying to see what was was next to me. The path was only in front of me, little by little and with ONLY G-d. He knew where I was going, I just needed to TRUST him...

I hope maybe you have some time to find that analogy on my thread, it's so awesome.

Talk to you soon, Queenie

Thank you, Queenie. I just got on this morning and came to MB first. I really appreciate you and the others for your insight. You guys have been there, done that and have the T-shirt. It is terrible that we have and are going through this and I know that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but if I get any stronger I will be a one woman army. I have read several people's threads and I can see the hurt and anger in them and I feel for them. It makes me cry. I can get angry but I can count on about 3 fingers how times this has happened since my WH left but I cannot count how many times I have cried. I wish there was some way I could make him feel my emotional roller coaster.

I pray so much everyday that I couldn't tell you how much I pray. I wake up praying and go to bed praying and I pray in between. I pray for strength and patience and I pray for WH return. I also pray that God takes WH in his arms and protects him from himself and to lead him back to Him. I pray that God opens his eyes and lifts the fog and for him to see OW as she really is and to see me as I am. I also pray that He puts as many obstacles intheir way to prevent their affair to continue and to prevent my divorce. GOd has given me me so much hope in my time of need. He told someone to tell me to "trust" and He told me "do not give up" and He lead me to a passage in the Bible that said "to have faith and do not doubt and that my prayers would be answered". I know that I have to take care of myself first and foremost.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and now 4yr old and still married
married 20yrs
together 21yrs
DD 22yrs now
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009

Traci, I hope you take this in the spirit in which it's given.

I've been told that if you pray to God to help you move a mountain, don't be surprised if he gives you a shovel.

Put another, possibly more familiar way: Faith Without Works is Dead.

But Fred, read Mark 11:22-24 and read the verses before it too. It states that if you have faith and do not doubt that if you tell a mountain to go into the sea it will. That is me paraphrasing it.It also states that if you don't have doubt in your heart but believe that those things which you say will come to pass you shall have whatsoever you say, and what things you desire when you pray and believe you will receive them, you will get them. I have faith in God and that he will get me through this and he will open my WH eyes and he will eventually return to me. Now, when will he return is another question and who says I will take him back when he does return. Maybe I will have moved on by then, who knows. I am putting everything in God's hands. Right now my strong belief in God is what is really getting me through this. God can take anything that I dish out and I mean all the ranting and raving and the crying and the whys. God has been there the whole time to support me and he got my neighbor to give me the SAA book and led me to this wonderful website and to you guys. I ask God every night for signs and what should I do. Right now all I have to do is nothing. What I mean is is that I am to do nothing about my WH. So that is what I am going to do-nothing. I know if I do anything it will probably have the exact opposite affect and push him closer to the OW and farther from me. If I do nothing his affair will probably end sooner because I am out of the picture and she has to fill my size 7 1/2 shoes. And I guarantee even though those are not big shoes she can't fill them.

Traci,
I highly recommend the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. And for you men out there... there's also a Praying Husband version.

Traci -- this book really helped me focus my praying on the specific areas of my husband that needed attention -- his reputation, his integrity, his fatherhood, his attitude, his choices, etc.

Your post today reminded me that I need to reread that book again. That I need to not give up on the power of God to change my WH. There is an enemy at work to break up our marriages and our family. We need to pray for our husbands to turn away from this enemy. For today, include the following in your prayers...
"I will not allow anything to destroy my marriage."

OK -- my book is out and I now have something to read for the next 30 days. Just one section a day -- and each section is about 5 pages. Happy praying!

Hi Tracy-

Another good book that helped me is "When He Leaves-Help for Hurting Wives" by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. I found it at my local Christian bookstore, but it is available at Amazon as well.

Each chapter has both authors' personal reflections from their own experience through infidelity and divorce, and also gives you some suggestions for moving through the hurt towards healing, no matter what the outcome.

Hang in there!

Thank you HH and JT for your recommendations. I will go order them on Amazon in a minute. One thing I like about MB is that I don't see anyone plling their punches or pussyfooting around the issues. I am a nurse and I believe in knowing all my options. I don't like it when I hear a doctor pussyfooting around what is going on about a patient. I think they need to hear the truth and I need to hear the truth and what my options are. What I do with options are my choice. No here is going to hurt my feelings and if they do I will get over it a lot quicker than you think.

Just ordered "The Power of the Praying Wife" and another one "The Power of Prayer to Change Your Marriage" by the same author. I should get them by Wednesday.

I was worried when I initially read the first sentence. The elaboration (ie. following sentences) eased my angst.

What YOU have to do is take care of TRACI. Immerse yourself in things that give you pleasure, that give you a temporary "timeout" from thinking about Mr. Traci. I know it's hard. I know it's hard because I've had to learn to do the same thing from time to time. (Thinking about Mrs. TB, that is, not Mr. Traci......) I should put one of those smiley guys or maybe one of those laughing guy icons here, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Sorry. Maybe one day.......

Movies, books, hanging out with friends, concentrating on work, etc., etc. If it gives you a two hour break from thinking about him. Great. If it's only ten minutes, that's okay, too.

Not easy, I know. Please keep up the good fight and take care of yourself. Take care of what you have control over. YOU!

Keep hangin' in there, Traci.

TB

IMO you have shown amazing strength and are a strong woman. Its an honor to know you in these threads.

Hang in there Traci

Don't worry, TB, I go to the movies and out with my family and friends. I love to read and I am back to reading again and playing games. Right now I am reading 2 books at the same time. I am also trying to clean my house right now. Bedroom and bathroom are done and I have a load of clothes and a load of dishes going. Working on the livingroom right now. Plan on going out to the movies as soon as my DD 22 shows up. Going to go see "Sherlock Holmes". When it comes to me I am doing what I did before the affair and extra stuff just for me. When it comes to WH I just ignore him and let him dig himself deeper into his fantasy "hole". I don't answer anything from him like his texts or phone calls. Told him I would respond to emails about divorce only but haven't heard from him on that at all in about 8 weeks after I told him to hurry it up because I had my paperwork filled out and after the divorce I didn't want to see him or hear from him ever again. He has tried with a text about 2 weeks ago to wiggle his way back into my life by saying he would come over and look at my internet to fix it. Like I needed any help from him. I fixed it myself plus my DD 22 is computer saavy and so is her boyfriend. I figure as long as do nothing and ignore WH the more OW has to do to meet all his EN and she cannot do that. I can guarantee she will never meet his financial support need and he cannot fulfill her's either. She might fulfill his sexual fulfillment but then so did I. I betting she fulfills his need for admiration, but I was always proud of him and he knew it, I guess I just didn't tell him enough. As for affection, every time I tried to get affectionate he would tell me to go away, but I bet he doesn't tell her that. I also bet that her children get on his ever last loving nerve because he doesn't have patience with small children even his own. His own family knows this. I am just going to sit back and enjoy myself and let nature take it's course.

Very nice, Traci.

This post just epitomizes your strength, your confidence and a healthy dose of determination. Now THAT is a pretty good combo!

It really shows through because that's who you really are. Whether it was the REAL Traci BEFORE this whole hornet's nest got rattled, is irrelevant. What is pertinent, though, is that it will be the REAL Traci after the last handful of bees flys off to pester Mr. Traci, OW, or the next BS.....

'Sherlock Holmes' does look good. I want a full review afterwards. And saying, "Robert Downey Jr. looked so HOT" does NOT qualify as a movie review......

TB

Hey Traci, did you go see Sherlock Holmes? We went on Christmas and LOVED it.

Ok, I have read your entire thread and I am so impressed by your strength. I'm just going to play the devils advocate because as strong as I see you, I feel that pain inside of you that you are trying to push down.

It isn't going to work. I see you planning, figuring out, etc everything that is happening over there, happening over here and the simply truth is you have no clue what's happening on the other side. For US to heal, we have to FEEL those ICKY feelings of being rejected, of being chosen for someone else, of being abandoned and left.

Those feelings are real, that's our reality and thinking we have everything in control is dangerous because like many have said, we are dealing with human beings. I absolutely agree, the likelihood of the A busting up is WAY in your favor. But what concerns me and please help me see if I am missing it is what makes you think that WH will want to come home because he wants to have a M with you.

I truly believe you are one strong, more than capable person, but I also think you are in a lot more in the stages of grief and you aren't working through them. Please tell me if I am wrong.

Regardless of whether your WH is below you, a loser, etc, I hear and feel that you LOVE him and want your M. But I feel you controlling the situation instead of letting G-d have it. You have all the scenarios picked out how it's going to end, what you are doing, etc. It doesn't work that way. G-d has plans, he knows how it ends and however it does, it will be turned to good..

There is a flashlight analogy that Mark wrote me a long time ago. I'm going to try and find it. But it basically says that in order for G-d to bless us, we need to completely surrender to him and his will. This was SO HARD for me to have happen. But it was crucial in MY RECOVERY.

In Plan B, it was vital that I stop worrying about what WH was doing, protecting myself from the chaos, news, mind games etc. It was MY time to heal so that if/when the A ends you will have the energy, the G-d spirit inside of you to work on your M. And it's all your choice.

While you are in no way responsible for the A, you are partly responsible for the conditions that lead up to the A. What are you doing to look at yourself and make those changes in yourself that will change the environment in your M. While I agree that it is the WH's total responsibility to come home and meet all your demands, the reality of that happening isn't too high. So, for me I needed to change, become more G-d like because I WANTED a different M and since I couldn't control my WH, I could only change me and know that given the chance I wouldn't be the same people.

I want your M to survive, because I believe that it can if the right things happen that need to happen. But what those things are... I don't know, I'm so NOT G-d. I totally support you going out and having fun, taking care of yourself, being good to yourself because like they say, recovery is SO HARD.

There is just one touchy thing....for me, there was a reason why my WH didn't come home earlier, it was because G-d wasn't done with ME. Just a thought.....

We saw Sherlock Holmes today. LOVED IT! I had forgotten what it was like to see a movie (or read a book) that was filled with clues, and you don't get it til you see the solution at the end. What fun! I sure hope they make sequels.

Cat, I can't IMAGINE them NOT making the sequel. I'm so glad you LOVED IT...

Never got to go to the movies. DD 22 wasn't feeling good. She wants to wait until tomorrow and since I am off tomorrow we will go then. If she still isn't feeling good I might just find someone else to go with or go by myself.

Queenie, I told God today that I was going to leave everything in his hands because I could not continue to dwell on things like I had been doing. As for my M I tried to get my WH to do something about our M. He wouldn't do anything, I even suggested going to see a counselor and he said we didn't need to talk to someone about our problems and that we should fix it ourselves. The one thing I shouldn't have done was threaten him with divorce for sitting there and doing nothing. I was the one wanting sex and needing affection and the need for talk. He would always turn me down when I wanted sex over the years and when he wanted it I would do it because I didn't know when I would get it again. I swear that I could ask him for sex 29 out of 30 days and get turned down and he would ask me on the 30th day when he knew I was exhausted and not interested. I would take him up on it and every once in a while I was to tired and would turn him down. Sometimes I would make excuses for him because he is diabetic and at one time he was on zoloft. Now he has no excuse because it seems he can have sex without any problem with her. I might partly responsible forthe affair but considering what was going on in my marriage I should have been the one to have had an affair but I had enough respect for not only my H but myself and I love my H. I would never had divorced him and I told him that and that if I was going to divorce him I would have years ago and he knew that.

God has told me to not to do anything and that is what I am doing. I have left my WH to his own devices and gone on with my life even though it hurts. I may never get over this but I am going to try because even though I want my WH back I know there is a good possibility he will never come back. One thing I know is that my WH said was ILYBINILWY, we have nothing in commonm I am never coming back home, and we will never be together again. I have learned they all say this and I learned a long time ago NEVER say never because you will do the exact opposite. But I do know there is a good chance he won't return.

Thank you,Queenie, for your insights, I appreciate your advice. I will take everything you say to heart.

OMG Traci, do you and I have the sex deal in common and if anyone was primed to have an A it would have been me as well, NOT him. But it didn't work out like that did it for either of us and like you I was all alone learning to live life without my H.

Something that I was totally caught off guard and ill prepared to handle.

My G-d told me to stay out of the way, that this wasn't a battle between my H and me, it was a battle for my H's soul. That my H wasn't happy in his life and he was blaming me and our M on that unhappiness. He wanted to be happy and he believed that OW was the ticket to the happiness. The truth was for BOTH of us, that our relationship with G-d is what brings US complete happiness, because he KNOWS what's best for us and wants us to be happy, joyous and free.

Now as for doing NOTHING... Oh did I say that? I did something very important. I LET GO and prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed for G-ds will. I prayed for G-ds word to rise up and win the spiritual battle that was so clear to me. By doing NOTHING I did everything. I like you lived life to the fullest or as much as I could, because I figured if I was staying out of the way, becoming the woman G-d had envisioned for me, then I wasn't worrying G-d and he could focus on my WH...

I worked all the Plans. I was separated from my WH for OVER 2 years, I was in a DARK plan B, nearly going almost a YEAR with NOT ONE WORD to him. A man that had been in my life for over 31 years. Yes, you are right, there is a GOOD possibility that he won't come home, and I can almost promise you it won't be in your time, HOWEVER, G-d hates divorce and he is working hard to recover your M in ways you can't even imagine. I certainly didn't. It's crazy for us to really not hold out hope that going into Plan B won't bring home our H, but it doesn't. What does happen is the A dies it's natural death, and those memories of good times, those memories of Plan A creep into the WH and then the fog begins to life, SLOWLY and they begin to think of the possibilities of what if.

Time is your friend. G-d is your light and path. TRUST HIM and walk in TOTAL FAITH... It was WHEN i truly SACRIFICED the love I had for my H to G-d as my complete TRUST and FAITH in G-d that things began to turn around.

Draw COMPLETE comfort that if your WH is doing and saying the things that they all say, then it will happen like they say it can if you can perservere and TRUST...

Traci, I was married 23 years when the A was exposed. My WH told me he didn't want to be married to his best friend anymore - that he wanted something more than to be married to his best friend, that he had no desire for me because I was fat.

Now.... that something more turned out to be a crack addict with hepatitis C.

They all affair down. They all say that it's forever. They all live the script.

BS's need to just find the strength and perserverance to trust the rest of the script.

Traci and Q, is there any chance that my wife was dressed in drag , posing as your husbands. My god, the sex thing and the unwillingness to discuss anything or go to counseling was exactly what i dealt with. I just gave up on sex, I was turned down so often.