Of course you are scared. This is a terribly scaring situation to be going through.

I have to get going to my AA mtg. One thing... go to my thread and see if you can find the words of wisdom from Mark, and Johnstwin about G-d and how my relationship with him is what got me through things.

Don't sign anything tonight. Just for tonight, leave it alone. If you have a bible, go grab it, pray to G-d by just talking to him, nothing formal and open up the book and start reading. Talk to G-d ASK him what to do, ask HIM for help, TELL HIM all of what's happening. TRUST HIM..

I promise you he is right there waiting to hear you talk.

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this. When he first left, I was in utter shock and disbelief. I had waited so long for him to come home, had just moved into our first home and was so happy. Then he just left. He said he was mad about the finances. I told him I had saved every receipt from when he was gone and that I'd make a ledger to show him. I also told him I'd look for a job on USAJOBS so that I could make up for any money he'd lose by not going back to Iraq.

The only problem was that although I had a wireless internet card, we live in a remote location and it doesn't work up here. So because I needed the net to access our bank account and account for each receipt and to look for jobs online, and to get out of the house in hopes it would cheer me up and because the few people I kind of know live in our old town an hour away from here and because i was going stir crazy in a house with no phone, no net, no tv...I drove there and sat in the bowling alley to work on those things. A new girlfriend of mine said that her and her friends were going there and I could sit with them. She had recently gone through a D too. I was too sad to hang out with them; they were all so happy, I felt like a fool because the tears wouldn't stop so I found a table alone and worked on those things. Eventually they left.

It's a big process to itemize receipts for a year and work on resumes to fit jobs; especially when you are so sad and crying, so I didn't have it complete. I was feeling I needed so much to finish so I could show my husband the ledger and help with the finances. When I was leaving the bowling alley, I stopped outside the front door and decided to call my old neighbors and see if I could sleep on their couch so that I didn't have to drive a hour home and a hour back the next day. I couldn't get a hold of them and was crying. A woman who is an acquaintence, and had been in the bowling ally too with her husband who is a prison guard came outside and asked me what was wrong. I told her about my husband and the ledger and the job search and explained I couldn't get a hold of my friend and that I was just so sad. She said that they were on their way home and that I shouldn't be alone and so sad and that I was welcome to come sit and talk with her until I could get a hold of my neighbor. I agreed and followed them home.

This is where it gets really bad. I got there and she sat with me and we talked and I cried. Her husband offered me something to drink. Well it had some sort of date rape drug in it. I hate reliving it, but basically I was drugged and raped and beaten badly.

It was the last thing I needed after my husband left me. I was so afraid to tell him. Normally he'd have been the first person I went to, but he had been lying and acting so cold and mean I was afraid he wouldn't care or blame me; and I already blamed myself for trusting. But it was a woman I kind of knew and her husband who was a correctional officer,which to me is almost like a police officer, so stupidly I did. Anyway, I didn't know who to turn to. I was afraid if I went to a pastor or to the hospital; which I really needed to do, that they would report it and my husband would find out and I'd lose any chance of saving my marriage.

So, I turned to my husband's mom, she's a nurse. She told me I needed to go to the hospital and that my husband needed to know. So, three days after I couldn't take it anymore' I literally thought I was going to die, so I told my husband. At first he didn't believe me. He thought I was trying to manipulate him. Then he emailed back and was angry, "how could i let that happen?" and that he wanted to kill the guy. Then he messaged me and said he was sorry and that I needed to go to the hospital and to the police. I asked him if he could drive me because I didn't feel safe to drive, but he wouldn't. It's a half hour away, but I somehow made it. I spoke to the sherriff, but I explained that I was not emotionally stable enough to deal with my divorce and to go to court for this. He said I could pursue it when I was stronger. I asked the ER doc for anti-depression pills or anti-anxiety pills, but he gave me sleeping pills, which is the last thing I needed after being drugged. I never took them.

Since then I have pretty much been holed up in my house crying, throwing up, I hardly sleep, and am afraid to leave, especially to that town where that guy is. I know I am supposed to be the woman my husband fell in love with, but it extremely difficult. It's been 2 months since he left and 1 1/2 since the rape and 1 since the divorce papers came.

I'm normally a very strong person, but all this has really taken it's toll on me. I just don't know if I have the emotional strength to do what I need to do to save my marriage. I can't bear the thought of not trying. I do pray to God and read the Bible, I had before the rape too. But, I feel I am losing faith.

I know this isn't a rape website, but thought it was relevant to my ability to save my marriage and to maybe bring light to the reason for the hopelessness I have been exhibiting.

The rape is said and done. I just hope and pray that I can oversome all this grief and find the strength to save my marriage. Any suggestions on how to find strength?

I try my best to put on a positive front when I see him, but I'm so afraid he knows me too well. We have always been very emotionally close. He has told me the areas we lacked in were recreation and sex; and I'd agree. Not that I never wanted those things, there are other things that led to breakdowns in those areas.

Am I supposed to act as if I were happy he's leaving or just be cooperative and kind? I had no warning on this, and I honestly trusted my husband. Maybe if I'd been more jealous, I'd have known. I realize I've made mistakes now that I've read the concepts, I just feel like this is a cram session for a final exam I was never told about. I've been reading, but really need some advice. Stick to plan A and let the divorce go through? I can only stall so long..Expose the affair without hard evidence? I was told by a P.I. that I could actually get in legal trouble for that since he already filed. I'm not feeling very able to focus and calm down, I am in total panic. How can I improve on the sex and the recreation if I never see him?

I'm so sorry for what happened, but...you HAVE to go back to the police and put this SOB in JAIL!

Are you in the states? Go to www.unitedway.org and find your closest center, and go to them for help, ok?

{{{{{{{EAM}}}}}}

You have been through SO much. Please listen to Catperson. You need to take care of yourself. Your M can wait. Let G-d take care of your WH.

Go to the police, find out what you can to bring charges against this animal and heal yourself FIRST....

I have gone to the police, it has been reported. But, I stressed that I would not be able to deal with the court proceedings until I got through the pain of my husband leaving.

I don't feel my marriage can wait. My husband is mustering support against me with his lies and the OW was a friend from high school. He is on the fast track to divorce; can't wait until it's final, so he can move across country to be with her. I can hear the clock ticking.

So...what exactly are you doing to get him back? You aren't looking attractive, being as disturbed as you are. You aren't showing any self-respect, by just shrugging off a RAPE for the time being - so shy should HE respect you?

All you are appearing is desperate, self-loathing, and vehemently depressed. NONE of this is attractive. NONE of it would make your H choose you over his fun-loving, non-stressed-out OW.

I'm not trying to drag you down. I'm trying to tell you that YOU have to put yourself first, or HE never will.

The more desperate you become to get him back, the less appealing you become. Until you can be ok with YOURSELF - BY yourself, he will never come back.

Makes sense catperson. Really. I am just so scared. He is already looking for jobs there. He spent Christmas with her along with about 3-4 other week long trips in the past 2 months. He immediately filed for divorce. There should be a divorce judgement in mid January, ugh!

EAM, you can't control what your WH does. You can only control yourself and take care of yourself.

The reason that I got a chance for marital recovery was my complete and utter surrender to G-d for personal recovery. I was a mess. I was desperate, self-loathing, horrifically a sick human being that came to understand that UNTIL I became healthy by myself, for myself, there would be NO MARRIAGE...

You can't give love to another if you don't learn to love yourself. You have been through a HORRIFIC situation that just CAN'T be pushed under the covers. It will haunt you until you face it head on.

Even if you got your M back, what good would you be?

Ps 109:1 O God of my praise, be not silent:

Ps 109:2 For the mouth of the wicked man and the mouth of deceit are opened against me: they have spoken against me with a lying tongue,

Ps 109:3 And with words of hatred have they encompassed me; and they fight against me without a cause.

Ps 109:4 For my love they are mine adversaries; but I give myself unto prayer.

Ps 109:5 And they have rewarded me evil for good, and hatred for my love.

Ps 109:6 Set a wicked man over him, and let the adversary stand at his right hand;

Ps 109:7 When he shall be judged, let him go out guilty, and let his prayer become sin;

Let G-d have your H, let him deal with the lies that he is doing. Let G-d deal with the other side of the mountain. Let G-d heal you. Let him create in you what he created in me, a woman of G-d who was NO MATCH for any WH or OW. I withstood them all in the end because I was willing to LET GO and LET G-D.

EAM stop worrying about what THEY are doing. Even in Plan A, you HAVE to learn to create YOUR PLAN. Make those changes in YOU that you have always wanted to. Instead of focusing on the ickiness of the A, focus on the healing of YOU...

Try to live life ONE DAY AT A TIME..... Today there is NOTHING you can do for your M, but heal the soul that needs you. YOUR SOUL... If he were there, he would still be the selfish, self-centered ICKY wayward and you would be in just as much pain.

Honey, you aren't ready for him in your life.

Mid January? You have NO CONCEPT of how much can happen if you stop focusing on HIM and focus on G-d.

Thank you Queenie that was beautiful and I do believe you are right. I had just felt so frustrated because when WH had left, I prayed and prayed and I found the strength to do "something" and then that thing happened; it totally crushed what little was left of my strength. I guess it's just the little things. It seems every time I gather strength, I am squashed again; like getting served on our anniversary, my 40th B-day, the holidays, the lies he tells about me and what not. I will put him and our marriage in Gods hands once again and work on healing. I just feel this pain will never end. Like, lol when he left a msg on my phone saying he hopes I have a good Christmas. Part of me was happy, but the other part felt it was like a person saying "have a great day" as they are simultaneously disemboweling and murdering you.

EaM, the point is that you weren't born married to him. You don't breathe oxygen because he wills it. He doesn't control whether you get cancer or get a promotion or even buy a book. YOU control your life. YOU will still be alive tomorrow, even if he moves in with her. YOUR life will not be over. Your life does not depend on anything he does.

Yes, you may be unhappy, may not have life lived out the way you expected, but you will still be alive.

I'm trying to get you to pull back a little. The more desperate you become to KEEP him, the less you can see that HE is not the reason for your life.

All I'm asking is for you to step back and see this, so that you can make smarter decisions, ok?

Can someone come in and say this in a better way, please?

There is a book I want you to get if you can afford. It's called G-d is more than Enough, I believe the author is Tony Easton. It saved MY LIFE...

Ps 23:1 The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want

Ps 23:2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters

Ps 23:3 he restores my soul He guides mee in paths of righteousnessf
for his name�s sake

Ps 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,1h
I will fear no evil for you are with me your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Ps 23:5 You prepare a tablek before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil my cup overflows.

Ps 23:6 Surely goodness and loven will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

This Psalm, Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139 were my lifelines....

You are right Queenie. I will do that. I have found it difficult however, and probably because we were so emotionally close, to recover from his "low blows". It's like he feels when I'm feeling better and gaining strength and confidence, and will purposefully try to cut me down. Maybe not, but the timing has been imepecable. For example, I know he knows when our anniversary is and i think he asked that i be served DP on it; really cruel, at least I think, especially after he knew the other things I've been dealing with. Surely his lawyer suggested it to throw me off balance; evil woman. But, I won't worry about all that and focus on what I can do for me and for my soul.

Thank you Cat. I know he is not my lifesource, lol. Although it does feel like it after suffering so much. I do love him very much, but you are right. Every time I get my strength, he will do something that knocks me back down. I just need to stop letting him. I need to care for myself first.

I think he was angry with the strength he saw in me this summer, the confidence. It made him feel insecure and that hurt him; especially when he was overseas felling so helpless, and I feel that made him angry; which is... I believe what started all this. I don't know anything for sure, but I do know him very well, or at least I used to, or I thought I did.

Thank you for that Queenie. That was my dad's favorite! I will look for the book. Thank you for your inspiration! I'm feeling a bit better; I pray to God it will last.

EAM, try to watch the disrespectful judgments. I remember in the beginning saying, I think that he is thinking this or that. The truth was he wasn't thinking at all and I was so off base, that it was a LB.

He's an addict, totally involved in chaos and addiction. Don't try and crawl into what he is thinking. It's dark, sick, icky and dangerous.

Keep the light on G-d. He KNOWS what he wants you to do. G-d will protect you from the evil forces. Read the bible. In fact I will try and look on my thread for the amazing stuff that Mark sent me as inspiration.

Awww. thank you! I would love that! I actually got a big inspiration also from the video posted entitled, "don't underestimate an old lady". Holy smokes, I love dance so much, but my husband didn't like me to dance much. He thought he couldn't, but I remember him actually being pretty good, in a comical kinda way. You are right about the disrespectful judgements. I feel like a wounded animal trapped in a corner; I guess instinct causes us to lash out. It's kinda funny though because my husband majored in sociology and we had this ongoing debate wether humans could have instincts. I thought it obvious that we do, but he said a professor told him it impossible. At one point he even had planned on testing it and living in the woods, just to see, lol. I miss him.

I'm feeling very sad today. I can't seem to pull myself out of the funk I'm in. I know I shouldn't think of all the good times; there were so many, and I try so hard not to, but they flash into my head. It makes me miss him so much and I tremble with the pain. If I can't get out of this, how can I ever implement plan A?