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Crusade, your first post was yesterday so I gather did just happened and that she has been having an A with OM for a year.
You do not have to continue in this M, however since it is recent do all the MC footwork and see the Harleys if you can afford it.
In the meantime remember that whomever you will date one day out there (if you do D) will have baggage and will be somewhat messed up one way or the other. YOu have a big investment with y�ur wife that is y�ur marriage, your kids, your life together for these years.
Throwing it away, finding a new mate and hoping for the passion to continue with the new mate is only wishful thinking.
blessing


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Crusade, I also caught my stbxw in the act, and before then I suspected nothing. I completely broke down. It's a miracle that I didn't hurt myself or someone else. My memory of the 6 months after that day are fuzzy at best.

My d-day was July of '06. I moved out in April of this year. I tried everything I could, but I realized I had to choose between the pain of divorce or the pain of feeling dead inside indefinitely. I chose divorce.

My guilt over breaking up the family was tremendous. I haven't shared this here yet, but it really pushed me right to the brink of doing something awful to myself. Even though part of me knew I was doing what's best for my kids, I couldn't help feeling like a worthless person for doing what I'd done.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's NOT in the kids' best interest to stay in a broken marriage, and be sure to seek individual counseling for yourself if you do decide to leave.

Damn them for putting us in this position.


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I respect you, Krazy, for giving it a try in the face of very long odds. Your take is correct. Your XW put you in a no win position.

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Krazy, I appreciate your input and I feel like this is exactly where I am at. I want to try and stay and be strong for everyone say that it will be worth it for everyone 30 years down the line.
I don't think ws understands the trauma of watching the incident and finding out that it's been happening for four months under my own roof. Hard to suppress what i seen...

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Krazy, I appreciate your input and I feel like this is exactly where I am at. I want to try and stay and be strong for everyone say that it will be worth it for everyone 30 years down the line.
I don't think ws understands the trauma of watching the incident and finding out that it's been happening for four months under my own roof. Hard to suppress what i seen...

You'll never be able to suppress it. You have to decide if you can live with it. If you can look at her without thinking of what you saw. If you can be in bed with her and not think about it. If you can get over the betrayal...of being cast aside like garbage.

I couldn't. If you can, I salute you. If you can't, try not to kick yourself too hard.

If only I could follow my own advice, I'd be fine. frown


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I am so sorry for you Crusade. I can never understand how the WS can bring OP into the marital home. There are so many other places that they could go. It makes me sick.


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

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I don't know how it is possible to forgive such a transgression. She was screwing this other man in your home for months on end putting your health constantly at risk for STD's. In addition she apparently had no prolem not only constatly screwing him in the basement when you were home but also admitted to screwing him in your kids room and in your bedroom in your bed. This has to be the ultimate in betrayal. By doing this she showed utter disrespect and total distain for your relationship, marriage vows and your feelings. Only a person that would have such total disgust for their spouse could do such a thing. You state that if she had not been caught by you then she would still be doing this to you. What does that tell you?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been? Her actions shows that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I almost feel by what you have written that she had no problem screwing this man in your home under your nose because down deep she had nothing to risk because she knew you would suck it up and forgive her if she got caught. Please don't waste your precious life on someone like this. I wish you luck.

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Originally Posted by Bryanp
I don't know how it is possible to forgive such a transgression. She was screwing this other man in your home for months on end putting your health constantly at risk for STD's. In addition she apparently had no prolem not only constatly screwing him in the basement when you were home but also admitted to screwing him in your kids room and in your bedroom in your bed. This has to be the ultimate in betrayal. By doing this she showed utter disrespect and total distain for your relationship, marriage vows and your feelings. Only a person that would have such total disgust for their spouse could do such a thing. You state that if she had not been caught by you then she would still be doing this to you. What does that tell you?

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been so accepting as you have been? Her actions shows that she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I almost feel by what you have written that she had no problem screwing this man in your home under your nose because down deep she had nothing to risk because she knew you would suck it up and forgive her if she got caught. Please don't waste your precious life on someone like this. I wish you luck.

So it is with waytards.

They are what they are. frown

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Originally Posted by Crusade7
Krazy, I appreciate your input and I feel like this is exactly where I am at. I want to try and stay and be strong for everyone say that it will be worth it for everyone 30 years down the line.
I don't think ws understands the trauma of watching the incident and finding out that it's been happening for four months under my own roof. Hard to suppress what i seen...

Unless she understands this, the extent of the trauma and the horror you have been through, you have no chance. She needs to really take a good , hard look at herself and her actions.

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Crusade,
How are you doing?

Gg


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Gg, Thanks so much for asking. I was honest to my WW and told her where I am at. I told her I want to move forward but the images are just killing me. I am in need of some serious therapy.
I've called a couple of places and hoping to get started real soon.
I am just in a withdrawn state right now that even though she's doing so much, I am not engaging emotionally. I recently read about of LB and En and hoping to share with her some of my EN's and hoping that can bring about some change in me.

Thanks so much for followin up..

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I am having a horrible time with mind movies that I did not actually see, but know happened, and can imagine what happened....I can't imagine trying to turn off mind movies that you ACTUALLY witnessed, that is tough and I feel for you brother.



Me: BH, 49 yrs old
Her: FWW 44 yrs old
A's occurred in 1988
Dday #1 (2 A's) Aug. 26, 2009
Dday #2 (3 A's) Sep. 5, 2009

My story: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/u...744#Post2279744

Not sure where we are going...?


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Crusade,
I can imagine it is very difficult when a visual is imprinted in your brain. Once the imprint is there it is very difficult to erase. You can, over time, eventually control emotions the memory triggers. Below is from Mark's thread on memory and triggers.


Quote
SC,

Within context of what began this thread... (http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2267144&page=2)

When you think of anything to do with OW, your emotions follow right behind. Not emotions based on anything NOW but based entirely on the memories you are recalling. The pain, sorrow, anger, fear...all of it is stored as part of your memories. You don't just recall the emotions, you recall the details and experience the emotions all over again. The same chemicals that cause the feelings when the event first happened are all the same when we remember. The idea of emotional memory management is to recognize when we have a memory that has as part of its make-up a strong emotional component and then to change our thinking before the neurotransmitters are released into our brains. We can't control the emotions but we can change what we are thinking. The emotions follow a minute or longer after the first thought occurs and so if we can identify when we have been triggered BEFORE the flood overcomes us, we can lessen and eventually reduce those emotions because when not accessed for a while, the emotions too begin to fade.

As for your comment about him having a fondness for her...

Would you feel any better about her or about the affair if he had simply found someone who had sex with him on a regular basis and neither of them had any emotions about the other at all? I would guess that it wasn't just the fact that it was her but that he did attach emotions to her that is the greatest cause of sadness. I know that is the case for me.

We can't decide how we react to a memory, but we can decide what we will think and THAT is the basis for this. We choose to think something else before we get hammered by the emotions associated with the memory file we never even knew was there...

Have you ever found a file on your computer that you couldn't remember what it was. When you opened it it took a minute before you recognized what it was about and then you worked through the details of what was happening when you first saved that file. If there were any emotional things going on at that time, those same emotions begin to rise up and before you know it a spreadsheet with expenses for the garden you never even got around to building has set back your emotional state for the whole day.

That file is your memory of certain events and things surrounding the affair. You are triggered when you open one of those files. But if you open a file and see what it is about and then close it and open another instead that you know contains, say a love letter from your husband instead, your emotions might begin to rise up in a negative way, but soon as you focus on the much better memory before you, the emotions of THAT file start to show up and replace the negative. Eventually you reach a point where you stop opening those bad memory files and they end up as something that is still there but is never accessed any more.

The memory files that effect us most are those that we open the most often. If we stop opening them, they no longer have any power over our emotions because the emotions follow the thoughts and by changing our thoughts we change the emotions...

Mark


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Crusade,

I believe I posted to you earlier about the mind movies. They will last but the memories will gradually detach from your feelings. Further, if you two make new memories, there is a good chance of you getting past all of this.

I know you are in a withdrawn state, and that is a reasonable place to be given you are not sure how to defend yourself. I am glad you told her what the problem is and that you are struggling with this problem. You are doing better than you think.

It may come to be like Krazy that you just cannot do this. That is a reasonable decision. It may come to be that you can , and that is a reasonable decision as long as you and your W actually work to address why she allowed her boundaries to be crossed, and to make a plan to protect you, her, and the marriage from this behavior again.

This is tough stuff you are dealing with and it will take time for it all to sort out. You can darned well plan on a few years. You cannot expect yourself to handle this in less time than her affair lasted. You cannot expect yourself to handle all of this for less than a few years. Things can and should get better, but it will not only take time, and patience, but a lot of rethinking things on both of your parts.

You are doing well to give it your best shot, but have patience with yourself.

Oh! and one last thing. No matter what you decide you are not going to get rid of these movies, stay, divorce, separate, it does not matter. This is truly a case of "you can run but you cannot hide." You are making wise and well considered decisions (no making a decision is a real good decision right now). Please hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

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Could it be worse for you Crusade?

A young co-worker, who has been in a 4 to 5 month long Physical affair, came to the office today and announced she has gone back with her husband in the last two weeks. I asked her why she decided to do so and she said she missed her two young children so she went back for Christmas and she now wants to rebuild her marriage. I congratulated her and wished her luck. She then said she has some other issues working because she just found out she is pregnant. I told her if she knows she is already pregnant then it is probably her lover's baby and not her husband's baby. She said her husband wants her back so bad he will raise the child as if it is his own. I told her that is ok for now but once he gets used to you being back, then the affair, lover, and child issue will later come into serious play.

I guess Crusade, you experienced a tough situation but here might be a more difficult case. They are going to work hard to salvage their marriage but I think the odds are way against them. I thought I might pass this on to you for your case could be worse.

For what it is worth,

TooSoon


Married 20 yrs at time of affair DD: 1/16/04 NC: Since 4/14/04 FWW: Workplace EA for 8+ months. MC: For Awhile Recovery Begins When All Contact Ends. Progress: Doing very well.
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Quote
This is tough stuff you are dealing with and it will take time for it all to sort out. You can darned well plan on a few years. You cannot expect yourself to handle this in less time than her affair lasted. You cannot expect yourself to handle all of this for less than a few years. Things can and should get better, but it will not only take time, and patience, but a lot of rethinking things on both of your parts.


Great stuff by JL. Crusade - you said "serious therapy" and yes maybe therapy can help you, but also realize even with therapy it will take a long time to get beyond something like this. Recovery is a process (with or without the images). It is what it is.

Gg


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Ask your wife to pay for any counseling you need due to her affair. Also figure out some other (painful and monetary or now) retribution for terrorizing you by boinking that other guy.

SHE OWES YOU, MAN!!!!

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TheRoad made a good point. 2 years into what your dealing with inside is not enough time to get past this.
My first wife had an affair after 2 years marriage(we were married at 18) and got pregnant by the guy. I did my best to deal with it and even considered raising the baby. It wasn't his fault. My wife didn't accept the child after he was born and we gave him up for adoption.

After toughing it out for 2 more years I separated from her and we eventually got divorced. I should have went to counselling instead of trying to deal with it on my own and burying my emotions.

I salute you for coming here to work on your marriage. I am sure that you can recieve good help from this site. If your marriage can be helped it will require both of you to work hard. She will have to work too. Most importantly she will have to get the guts to be honest and respect you enough to honor your heart.

Get some seriuos counselling and maybe you can rediscover the romance you two lost in this evil trick of the mind that effected you both.

I would move out, burn the house, bury the house with 6 ft of dirt, then bury the shovel, and your wife should be willing to do it with you.

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I don't know but I also maybe struggling with the guilt of wanting to give up. There are so many people that want us to stay togehter becasue it's better for the kids, family, for God.

I was re-reading my WW letter and her reasoning for what she did. it so full of hurt for herself and how bad of a woman she was for doing this and that she was trusting God that He will work in my heart to heal me and this marriage. I am stuck here trying to rationlize and sympathize with her hurt and her reason for the A to make it better for everyone except me.
Sometimes I wish I can get the "I don't care" mentality, curse, yell instead of trying to supress and be depressed..

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I don't know but I also maybe struggling with the guilt of wanting to give up. There are so many people that want us to stay togehter becasue it's better for the kids, family, for God.

This is not true. Your wife is using GOD to soften your heart to what she did to you. These people who want you to stay together do not know how heinous she is, having that affair IN THE NAME OF GOD!!!!

I would leave her tomorrow and then get a divorce and then date her if you really wanted to knowing what she is like. She thinks she can cry a little and have you manipulated again feeling sorry for HER?????!!!! WOW.

God does not want people who cheat on thier spouses. How do you know GOD wants you together. Perhaps he wants the evil cheater to leave and someday you could meet a better non cheater to marry.

Besides the cheating is your wife selfish, difficult to be around,, demanding, or a money grubber? Does she work to support the family? Does she have addictions or spending issues? I would examine her entire character now to see if you really want that one in your life. Would you date her now knowing what she is like? God gives us a brain to examine another person we are thinking of keeping in our lives. Use your brain here.

Last edited by Bubbles4U; 12/29/09 11:43 AM.
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