Some of her wisdom this morning... When you TRUST G-d you ENTER into HIS REST... I love this.


Whatever G-d gives to us he expects us to give it away. If G-d knows that he can get something through you then he'll be very happy to give it TO YOU...

So if you learn how to receive G-ds grace and mercy and forgiveness and you are willing to let it flow through you, to other people, then you leave that channel open to living a life that is so superior you can't even imagine it.

It's not good enough to stop doing what's wrong, you got to replace what's right in your life. That's when you see the changes in your life.

I just LOVE her.

Queenie,

There comes a time in your healing that it won't affect YOU to read about the anger, hurt, resentment, bitterness etc of other BS's going through the betrayals. Right now I think it is too soon for you. I like that your thread stays up so others can be inspired. Perhaps for now you should update your thread and not try to help too many hurting people. FOCUS on your recovery and you will help others who are quietly watching you.

When this place affects your recovery efforts or your attitude it is time to log off and take a break. It is OK to take a break or even never look back. Really, it is ok.

Thanks faithful, you just might be so right.

Thanks for the perspective..

I loved your message, Queenie, and I am listening. I am taking your message to heart and speaking to God again today on forgiving others. I will let you know that I don't hate or care about the OW because to hate her I would have to care about her and I don't. I never thought to forgive her for what she has helped to to me and my family because I blame my H. He didn't have to do what he did, he made that decision on his own. I forgave my H months ago and now he has to forgive himself. I have given everything over to God and I mean everything. I told Him to do what was necessary and to take care of my WH and help him because he needs it more than I do.

WH called my cell phone while I was at the movies with DD 22. Never returned the call. Still doing nothing about the WH since that is what God wants. God also told me to give it time last night.

So Traci, what do you like to do best of all in the whole wide world. Or what's a hobby that you have always wanted to try but just got to busy?

B - The Purple Cafe, Woodinville at 1:30 today.. I so hope you can join us.

DOH! I just realized that I'm reading you in "In Recovery". Nice to see you here, Beautiful.

See you soon.

Mwah!

Welcome back to In Recovery Queenie.

We love having you here.

Thanks Looking and Serendipitous,

It's nice to be back. It feels right to be here.

I thought and prayed on this for a long time. My life is taking new direction. Some is amazing, like my new M that is being created each and every day and some not so amazing.

My weight and probably more to the point my lack of love for myself is taking me to places that I don't really want to go. So, getting a fresh start and posting about this part of my journey hopefully will give me new insight in to how to crawl out of the darker place.

I have avoided this part of my journey for a very long time, because as I figured out last night, I simply don't love or even like myself and it's crippling me in many ways, most importantly it's blocking out G-d.

That won't work for me anymore. So, Queenie has to REALLY learn to love herself but before she can do that, she needs to find herself and find what she likes. I've put so much energy into healing my family, creating a new marriage that I have gotten lost somewhere in the process and that's not healthy for anyone in the long run.

I have no idea how to go about this at all. My friend told me to start journaling. And I'm going to try and put down the bat on me long enough to hear G-d. My friend last night got me to see that G-d LOVES me just as I am today. Fat and all. That he accepts me just as I am because he knows who and what I am, so if G-d can love me just as I am, who am I to block out his love.

I'm not talking about that he wants me to learn to take care of myself and that includes losing weight, but I have to start somewhere and maybe just accepting myself as I am today can be a beginning.

Other than journaling, accepting... Any thoughts? What works for you?

A quick welcome back for now Queenie!


gotta go but I'll be back ......

Thanks Vittoria, it's truly nice to be back. Happy New Year and hope to see you soon.

Who is lead by G-d.... I LOVE this Vittoria, LOVE this...

Have a sweet and wonderful day.

Oh so, I forgot to mention this interesting item that came up yesterday.

The home next to our property has been worked on for awhile and I was checking craigslist to see if they had posted it as available. As it turned out, there was nothing posted for my town, so I thought I would check for Maple Valley. I looked at the old apt complex I lived in for really no reason and then went about my day.

When I got the mail, there was a nice little running a red light ticket for OW, however it came to US because H was on the original registration. Many of you might now know, but a couple of weeks ago I found out about this car that they "owned" together, but H told me he had put it in HER name. The next day a letter came in the mail that my H had been involved in an accident and it was determined he was at fault. Because he didn't have insurance he owed them over 2700.00.

No BIG deal, one of those "casualities" of wreckage from the past that would just take time to clean up. But he was adamant that it wasn't his car and he called the place and said the car belonged to OW and sure enough they insurance company took his name and responsibility off of it.

So, low and behold it is interesting that his name would appear on this ticket as the registered owner. We looked at the incident because it was photo taken and sure enough she ran that red light just as sure as day. Seriously, for someone who is driving on a suspended licenes, no insurance blah blah blah, she does take chances. Oh well her deal.

ANYWHOO....

As H went to look at the photo on the internet, he realized that I had been looking at apts and housing and it REALLY shook him up. He was asking me why was I looking at that stuff and was there something that I needed to tell him.

Where I realized that I had been worrying about him just walking out and leaving, he deals with that very same thought. He doesn't seem to be reassured and I'm not sure why. I can only continue to love on him, be as open and honest about what's happening for me, and leave him to G-d. But I gotta tell ya, it was really NICE to see him concerned that I might walk out on him. It shows me that he is becoming more and more "involved" for lack of a better word, in our marriage.

Wow Queenie.

That is painful for me to read, and hard for me to understand.

You are an amazing woman. You are loved. You are treasured.


Is it just he excess weight that has you down on yourself Queenie? If you have a lot to lose, it can seem like a monumental task and one that seems impossible to even contemplate, but it can be done. I think the trick is to set yourself small goals to begin with. Eat a little less and exercise a little more. Find somewhere to swim. It's so good for you and easy on the joints if exercise is a struggle. Many of the local pools here do a 2 or 3 sessions a week when it is only women allowed to swim.

The good news is that it is easier to fix what is on the outside than what is on the inside.

Think of the most horrible, selfish, nasty thoughtless, ill mannered and rude woman in a thin body. That person likely thinks she has it made and doesn't even appreciate the ugliness that is inside of her. People probably don't like her, love her or look up to her. They may comment that clothes look nice on her but what does that really mean. Nothing!

Think of you. Strong, kind, thoughtful, giving, caring, resilient, empathetic, nurturing and loving. You may come in a plus size but I know who I'd rather be.

Make small lifestyle changes and your frame will diminish. Your character and nature won't.

I hope you know that true and real love is all about the person inside and not the exterior. There's way too much focus on looks nowadays and not on character.

I love you Queenie.

Thank you so much serendipitous. In my right mind I know all that you say and understand it.

But like a wayward and that's why it was so easy for me to buy into the addiction theory, I KNOW that but I don't live that. The ability to hurt myself over shadows the rational good thinking I have learned over these few short years.

Like it says in the AA big book, at some point I have to get down to the causes and conditions. Yeah, mostly it is my huge amount of excess weight. But I also know that it's not the weight, its the way I think or don't like me.

I love you too serendipitous... Thank you for saying what you did. Now I just have to allow it in and become a part of me.

Oh yeah, that hard part.

Not sure how correct I am here but didn't Oprah comment that she linked her battle with weight to issues from her childhood?

But, doesn't Dr Harley want us to change our behaviour now and not focus on what has gone on in the past that anchors us in past resentments and stops us from changing our poor behaviour?

I think I get that you say the excess weight is just an outward sign of some deeper unhappiness with yourself that you need to get to the bottom of?

What if you do as Dr Harley states we should in the MB programme, and just let that go and concerntrate on changing your behaviour for today? How do you think that might work for you?

I'm just thinking out loud here and I'm probably way off base but could you try to make the small lifestyle changes and see where that takes you with regards to the weight?

Do you accept that you are loved and are loveable? Why do you think you are so treasured here on MB? What is it that you don't like abut yourself? Weight aside.

I thinks that is what I am trying to say. For some reason I am UNABLE to see what others see in me. But more importantly, I am unable to see what G-d loves in me and that's what I am going to try and do.

If he can love me just as I am, and he created me for a purpose, then I just have to find out what he has given me that is so special.

Weight aside, actually I really like myself. For some reason, my weight seems to be the defining factor of how I think of myself. Interestingly though, when I lost the weight and felt better about myself, I went out and destroyed it. I'm so hard on myself. I expect way more of ME, than I would of anyone else.

I don't have past resentments. I worked through all those. I can't explain it, why I simply feel like a mistake. I am not doing a very good job of explaining it, I'm really sorry. And I so appreciate you talking to me.

Thank you FF for this too, from me.

I like to keep the bulk of my reading over here in R, the pain in SaA is too disheartening.
There is still heartache over here, but it seems to be balanced with lightheartedness and positive thinking. Both of which I might add ....... keep us going!

This will be a change for you over here, that's for sure. It will take a while to get use to, but I do think this is where you belong.
You have been through the mill and in doing so you have acquired a wealth of insight, so much to be shared with us here.

So many of us face the same feelings/issues as we travel along in R, this is a good place to realize that we are not alone in our struggles.

Hey Queenie,

Pleased to see you came back over here. Come and join us on Acey's Smiles and trials and healthy habits thread.

and, I'll just repeat all that Sere said too

love ya
x

Queenie.

We all have our own personal battles. You do sound as though you are very hard on yourself.

I often repeat to myself " Be grateful for the things I have, and don't waste energy striving for what I don't have", and it's important that we all place value on the things in our life that we have that are important to us.

That applies to us as people as well. I don't look like I did when I was 18 but I'm no less valuable. I can't run as fast or dance till dawn and get up for work an hour later. There are things I miss about being 18 but I'm happy being me, in my mid 40's slightly wrinkled and carrying some excess weight. I don't mind getting old because the alternative is much much worse. I try to keep my focus on the positives in my life rather than the negatives.

You like yourself, apart from the weight but became self destructive when the weight wasn't an issue. Why was that?

I think that our appearance is part of how we define ourselves, it is for me anyway. In MB terms, maybe it is that because I have an EN for PA, I hold myself to meet that one for myself as well as my H. (okay that makes sense to me but maybe not for anyone else!)
As well, I want and like to meet that EN for my H.
We feel better mentally when we are physically in better shape.

I can relate to you saying that when you lost the weight, and felt better about yourself, you then went out and destroyed it.
I think this is common, I know that myself and many of my GF's, struggle in the same way.
We lose, then we gain, we lose, then we gain, it's a bouncing game.
It seems once I get down to where I like how my jeans fit, I take it for granted and have a nibble here and a nibble there of something
that I shouldn't be eating. Then bam, my butt is harder to squeeze into those fav jeans.

Queenie you got your weight down before, it's possible to do it again. Vanity seems to drive me more than the health issue, but that one works to.

How did you lose it before?
Do you have a friend that can join you in shedding some pounds, I find a team effort makes you more accountable to going for that walk,
it's like an appt. that must be kept.