Thats ok if she resents you for ruining her affair. She will get over it. What you will not get over is the affair if you don't do everything in your power to bust it up. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair. You really can't afford to be choosy how the affair ends, it matters not a whit in the end.

Bah-humbug. This is war. Do whatever you can to get the affair to end. Until it's over and there is "no contact" whatsoever, there is no saving your marriage. I guess it would be nice if your wife just ended it of her own accord but if you could manage to get OM to do it 1 day, 1 week, 1 month or 1 year sooner then DO IT.

It matters not how it ends, only that it ends. Recovery and repentence don't rely on how the affair ended at all.

In fact, OM's dumping WW's is the MUCH more likely outcome. It's the nature of the beast. WW's think they "love" their OM's whereas single (and married) OM's merely view the relationship as non-committed sex. Single OM's particularly dump WW's when the "relationship" becomes more trouble than it's worth. When the OM's mom in your situation finds out what her boy is up to...she will hopefully tear him a new one. OM will have to face the real prospect that his mother will NEVER accept a future relationship between he and your wife and, if he chooses to continue pursuing it, he risks his own relationship with his mother. You see...OM and WW likely have this fantasy wherein she divorces you and as far as his family is concerned over in Europe she "took up" with him AFTER the divorce has been filed. They will play it as though your marriage was LONG AGO over. She (and he) will rewrite your marital history as though you two were merely acquaintenances...that never loved each other and once she filed for divorce, wha-la, she met OM.

Exposure dispells this fantasy real quick...even if OM's Mom doesn't rip him a new one at least REALITY seeps in.

Mr. Wondering

TE,

I'm a BH who was afraid of my WW's anger. Don't be. If you're making her angry then you're doing the right things. It is ok for the BH to stand his ground and show a little backbone and testosterone. Call the other man out and tell him to leave your wife alone.

You also need to make sure to let your wife know that you will not simply lay down and let her leave with the kids.

I very, very, very strongly advise you to get a lawyer now. She may take the kids and file for divorce and custody in her new state and this will hurt you.

I believe that the best thing to do with a WW is to follow the plans here from MB, but I also believe in playing massive hardball. Consult a lawyer and draw up divorce papers to be turned in immediately if she decides to bolt. Stack the custody deck completely in your favor.

Do not, under any circumstances, unless you want to end up paying out the nose for another man to raise your kids with your stuff, DO NOT let her take the kids out of the state or out of your house.

If you live in a state that lets you, then sue the OM for alienation of affection. I don't think you can do so in Massachussetts, but it's worth looking into.

The biggest point in all of this is that you must think ahead of her and outsmart her so you don't end up like many of us BHs did. We were afraid of our WW's anger and cowered and gave in to her demands thinking this was all temporary and we'd get it all back once she came to her senses.

It never happened in my case and it took years to get back on my feet and I'm still clawing my way out of the debt of the massive custody fight.

It's time to play hardball. If she is lost, then be prepared to protect yourself with the law.

I really believe that making a woman see all she stands to lose and the fight she'll have on her hands will wake her up more than anything.

This is one of the toughest things you will ever face. Keep coming here for advice.

Good point. You would not want to inconvenience,embarrass or anger your wife just because she is lying, hurting your kids and abusing you. I'm sure she will come around of her own accord as she has already demonstrated such good and character.
Is there any way you can run interference for the two lovebirds and deflect attention from them. Her gratitude will , surely, lead her back to you.

TE...

It gets REAL tricky trying to be "firm" and "stand up" for yourself in these situations but your wife, IF and WHEN she ever extracates herself from this situation will end up respecting you more...in the future...for enduring all that you did to save your family. She will hopefully look upon you very fondly one day for standing up to her in her foolishness. She will NOT resent you...she will appreciate what you've done. Even though it won't feel much like appreciation for a very long time....trust us, when she gets it, she'll get it.

If she doesn't ever end the affair...YOU will respect yourself MORE for standing up for yourself and not allowing yourself to be pushed around by a lunatic, who is fueled by entitlement and bent on taking EVERYTHING you value.

HOWEVER, standing up for yourself must be done tactfully and skillfully. You will ALWAYS be running the risk of setting yourself up for removal from the marital home based upon a filing of a restraining order. She will use almost anything you do and twist it to say she is scared of you as getting you out of the house is the quickest and fastest way to get MONEY AND CUSTODY as well as your cooperation in your distruction (you'd soon be TRYING to negotiate every other weekend and wednesday night visitation). One BH here was "removed" by the police because he demanded his WW take her telephone conversation with OM out of the house. She "claimed" he physically blocked her leaving the room she was in and the police requested/demanded he leave for the night...whereupon the next morning her attorney filed a restraining order and he was out for three weeks.

Be smart. Whatever you do...remain calm and NEVER lose control of yourself. Your children are counting on you to fight a calm, tactical and controlled battle to save their family. This is war.

Mr. Wondering

Interesting stuff. Thank you.

Check the law in your state, but you can record your conversations with her if you live in a one party state. Don't reveal that you're doing this if you can do it and carry it with you for your own protection. When she starts ranting and threatening you, record.

This saved one of the BHs here in court who was able to submit his recordings into evidence.

My friend, you are in a war and the sooner you understand this the better. She will manipulate your emotions and trick you at every chance and will likely make false claims if she can do so.

Trust me. I thought it was not possible in my sitch and it happened.

There was another BH here who kept recorders around the house. She called the cops on him, claiming he was threatening her. When the cops came he played back her ranting and raving and threats and it was clear she was the one who was out of control.

You're a man and the law will side with her and be biased for her. Keep this in mind.

Wayward women play lots of dirty tricks in this battle.

The law is on the side of the prepared.

Well, I just had a long chat with my wife's mother to make sure my wife hadn't told her a pack of lies. Now my wife's parents know the truth.

I also suggested to her mother that she tell the OM's mother.

Standing by for the furious phone call from my wife when she finds out.

We are here for you. When you hear her ranting about how evil you are, folks here will support you. Nice work. I love it when these WSs are exposed.
Told your kids yet?

I am not going to tell my kids. They are only 5 and 4. I just can't do that to them.

Pep updated the Carrott & Stick thread - you might want to reread it.

Peppers Carrot & Stick of Plan A

Good job on exposing. Yes she will be furious but others are correct - your M can survive anger, not affair.

Gg

Not sure her parents will tell the OM's mother. They want to mull it over for a while. If they don't I probably will, but do you think they could come after me for harassment?

I highly doubt it unless you use some aggressive approach. You contact them and make it short and simple. I haven't seen it happen here where OP parents filed harrassment against a BS trying to save M. We have lawyers that post here - they can give you more advice.

I think that should be the least of your worries.

Gg

Who, her parents or his? IMO, unless you repeatedly contact them after they ask you to stop, no. Just contacting them and informing them of the truth , in no way puts you at any risk.

I understand about not telling your kids. I think it is a very personal decision. My kids were teenagers and were told. You might want to read the following to help you understand what your kids are learning...

What lessons children learn from infidelity

I am also super torn up inside. Although I love my wife and kids and want to save the marriage and am going to give Plan A a shot, a part of me just wants to end it. I just don't know if I can get over the pain and the images and the lying.

She got to experience new love again, why shouldn't I? How can I live with myself and forgive someone after someone has treated me like this? I know it's selfish, but I deserve better than this.

Legit questions. Many very nice, forgiving people simply do not get over this. And, the relationship must end.
Give yourself some time to try to figure out if you can. You may need individual therapy. Some folks get PTSD. It's about as huge an abusive trauma as there is.

PTSD... yeah, probably. I have lost a lot of weight. I think crying all time could boost metabolism. Been hitting the gym relentlessly, too. You know, this could be a great new way get in shape. Maybe I should recommend infidelity to anyone looking to get in shape : )

No, this I wouldn't recommend this to even my worst enemy.

Yeah, I got so cut it was scary. I was more defined than when I played ball in college. Lost 35 lbs in about 2 months.
I could not eat or sleep. I'd jump through the roof if someone came up behind me. There were some strange chemicals released by this ordeal.

The anxiety is hard to deal with. Feeling like I can jump out of my skin. I always need to be doing something or talking. Especially talking. I always need to be doing something, but can't concentrate on anything but the A. It's all-consuming!