I think the problem is in the past. As far as I know, it is. But we haven't really talked about it much since he confessed all of this. I feel like there are a lot of things I still don't know, and how can I find out if I don't ask?

I think what really bugs me is that, after my A, when we both decided to come back together and really work on our M, I specifically asked my H if there was anything else that he wasn't telling me. I wanted to get everything out in the open so that we could deal with it and really try to make our M stronger. He insisted that he'd told me everything, but then, a year later, he dumps all the porn/internet sex stuff on me. Prior to that, I only knew about the EA with the ex-girlfriend.

I didn't want to fight until 4 a.m. In fact, I tried to stop it a number of times, but he was really worked up and yelling and angry. I really just wanted some of my questions answered. It wasn't particularly late when I brought the subject up, but it was darn late when it finally ended.

So, if I can't bring anything up and I don't know the whole story and I've been lied to literally hundreds of times in the past by this man, then how can I ever have any answers? How can I possibly know if I finally have all of the truth? In the past, I have believed with every fiber of my being that my H was finally being honest with me, only to get slapped in the face with something new over and over again.

are both of you reading? there are times to be set aside to answer questions that still need answered. Be careful for how much you want to know. Did you really need to go look at the site and read there? or does just knowing that he had porn site interactions fill your mind with enough difficulties? Some of us need more answers, some of us cannot have that much information and continue to move forward.

You need to come to an agreement on how to manage your finances. O & H on both sides, so that you both know what is coming in and going out. How much can be spent on food, utilities, other necessities.

Take a deep breath.

Fled

Fled: I've always been a detail person. I need to know what I'm dealing with so that I can process it and understand it. Sometimes, I wish I didn't need to know every little thing, but the things I don't know bug me and scratch at the back of my mind and refuse to go away.

I didn't really read anything on the site. I just looked at the list of topics. Those were disturbing enough. There wasn't a single "normal" topic on there. What it did do was make me question my H's sexuality. This was definitely a site for "alternative lifestyles." I suspect some of them aren't even legal.

I don't necessarily "want" to know all of this stuff, but maybe it's something I need to know. I'm raising kids with this person, after all. I can't afford to stick my head in the sand and pretend this doesn't exist. He was accessing these sites on the family computer that my kids used. It makes me wonder what they've seen and been exposed to.

"""""""I've been feeling so hopeless and depressed"""""""

I know the feeling well and i am usually a pretty upbeat guy.

as far as the finances go living here in ca especially with the downturn in housing has really sucked our bank accounts dry.

my w and i are both working weekends and nights whenever possible to try and stay afloat.

here's a tip on the easiest extra income on the planet if you are interested. look into becoming a girls lacrosse referee at the high school level.

don't just say no way until you read thru this part. lacrose is the fastest growing hs sport in the country. and it is growing rapidly especially in so cal. they are so short of referees that they are taking all comers.

you will need to attend an 8 hour class, spend a day getting rated by refing a game or 2 (usually at a tournement like at the rose bowl coming up in march).

now here's the best part. tournaments pay $1 per minute playing time. a game has 2 25 minute halves with a 10 minute half time (1/2 can be shorter if coach's agree before game). that's $50 an hour. but it gets better

you usually ref a varsity and jv game back to back in the evennings. when you do this you get paid $117 for the 2 games. yep it's more for none tournament games. the 2 games take an average of max 2.45 - 3 hours counting time between games and about a 15 minute show up before the 1st game.

work 3 evennings a week from say 4:45 to 7:30'ish and take home $350 extra a week. but it gets better

since the sport is so new the parents and spectators don't know the rules so there is NO ONE screaming nasty's at the ref's.

i coach the sport and will be refing at every available opportunity. i even had my kids get certified because they are having a hard time finding jobs in this pi$$y economy.

on the internet porn stuff.. i just don't get it. maybe i'm just to nerdy, i don't know. but i just can't get into that stuff. i checked some out years ago and it is just boring to me.

i guess i always would rather have a girl i can touch then who knows who or what is on the other end of a blind line.

Pops: Does it matter if I have no idea what lacrosse even is? It sounds intriguing, but I'm about the least athletically inclined person you're ever likely to meet. Where could I go to get more info about it?

I don't understand the porn thing either. Maybe I'm naive, but I didn't even know sites existed where you could go to have virtual sex with strangers. My H had to do a great deal of explaining before I could even figure out what was involved in the logistics of that.

You stop talking and the fight stops.



Somehow the "just" seems like you are slanting this towards making yourself look good.

Heres a suggestion.

Write your questions down.
Set a limit (POJA with H) on how many questions you can ask in any given 24 hour period. Say, 5 questions a day. And H gets the same amount.

H writes out his answers and you write out yours, and neither of you are allowed to ask any more questions for a day.



I have a question. To what purpose are your questions going?

Do you want "answers" or do you want to build trust and love?

Is it marriage building? Make sure it is.


Seems to me, brainstorming how to get our of debt would be a better use of your time together.

Rear view mirrors are OK for an occasional glance, but if you keep your gaze there too long, you will crash.

Pep is doing famously on the MB area, here is a little help with the groceries:

Angel Food Ministries

They are a GODsend!

Absolutely Dealan,

You can find out everything you need about LaCrosse right here on the internet. At least a starting point. What a great tip Pops.

Writer, I am not full of wisdom today (or any day???), but I am sorry y'all (yes I said y'all) are having such a hard time.

I cannot think of another issue that puts me on or over the edge like money problems. It magnifies everything. I think that is because I can control some other things, but I cannot make money appear from the sky or remove debt in one fell swoop. There is nothing like knwing it's only the 15th, and there is literally no money anywhere, so I can empathize. Are there any debt companies or aids that might help you? People poo-poo that stuff, but several years ago ours just became overwhelming, so we did the debt counseling thing. We sent one check to them instead of getting 400 phone calls, and our debt was gone in 5 years. Of course, we have some more now, but not as much. Angel Food really is a great program, so that may help too.

I don't share this much because I - well - honestly, I fear it getting all mixed up in other stuff. But around 12 or so years ago, my H had a brief "stint" with porn. I found out by walking in the room when he didn't know I was there, and I felt completely crushed. He felt terrible and apologized and installed a net nanny. I asked a few questions, but could tell he didn't want to talk about it. I'm still not sure of all he looked or did. I am quite sure that there was at least one view where men were involved, but I don't think it was an identity thing. I think it was a sheltered curiosity kind of thing. It's like some things are so fascintaingly awful sounding, there's a morbid curiosity about it. And with everything so easy to find on the internet....

Now, I haven't had too many problems not knowing everything. But with my A, H really needed to know everything. Heis a detail person like you. But I couldn't bear saying some of it out loud. So we did the "write it down" thing. I wrote down what he needed to know, he clarified, then he tossed what I had written. I was amazed by how this helped him. He knew what he needed to know, and he literally never mentioned that part of it again.

If you know that you know that you really need to know these things and it is not just a reaction to all the other stress magnifying it, then it may be worth pursuing. But Pep is right about the past too. That is something I am still learning about myself. Sometimes I have to ask myself, am I dwellig on this because good will come of it, or because I feel some twisted obligation to bang myself on the head?

Thank you everyone. I deeply appreciate all of the support and the advice. I think most of our stress right now stems from the money issues. I know we need to make some changes and take some steps to start figuring this out. I keep telling myself to be grateful that my H still has a job while so many others do not, and I am grateful for that. But it's still hard when the bill collectors keep calling and I don't have anything more to offer them and I need to go to the store and there isn't enough money for groceries. I will check out the Angel Ministries. We are also looking into credit counseling. We may ultimately have to file for bankruptcy, but I am hoping to avoid that if at all possible.

I think I'm also going a little stir crazy sitting around the house all day. I haven't been a SAHM for a good number of years, and while I love spending time with the baby, I think I need that time away where I do some grownup stuff as well. I don't even all that guilty at the thought of putting her in daycare, since she gets bored here all day when it's just me and her. I think she's getting to the age where she would enjoy the opportunity to interact with other kids her age. She loves kids. So, I'm going to step up my job search. I know it won't be easy with the economy the way it is around here, but my H is looking for opportunities in other states, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll find something somewhere with more opportunities for me as well. We've been itching to get out of CA for a long time now, and this summer, after our 17 year old graduates, would be a good time to make a move.

I know it's time to let go of the internet porn stuff. I just found it so shocking, because stuff like that is simply not like my H at all. In most ways, he's the most straight-laced guy you would ever want to meet. Think Richie Cunningham on "Happy Days." He's the kind of guy who just has to stop and help out whenever he sees a car broken down on the side of the road. So, something like that seems so out of character for him. And I do honestly believe that he has put that stuff in the past. I am interested in the net nanny, though. It certainly wouldn't hurt to block that kind of stuff completely, especially with two teenage boys in the house. What is it and where can I find one?

I'm feeling better today. Sometimes, it just helps to get it all out. Right now, it feels like we'll be buried under all this debt forever, but there has to be a way out. I just have to keep reminding myself that this too will come to pass.

I will second the help you can give yourself with Dave Ramsey. Even if you aren't in complete dire straits it will improve your finances.

Awesome program if you can find one, easy to do on your own if you can't.

Fled

I'll be looking for that 48 days book. This is possibly my last year as a music teacher, and I need a new direction. Thanks!

Thanks for the links Gack. My H actually had that book at one time. He isn't sure if he still has it, but if he can't find it, I'm going to reorder it. It looks very interesting.

I am somewhat familiar with Dave Ramsey, but obviously not nearly enough. I will check out his program as well.

I want to find that 48 days book. It sounds good.

Writer1, maybe you and I should have some kind of prayer pact. You need a career and I need a new career. We could pray each other into dream jobs!

Lurioosi: That sounds good to me. I have been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling 2010 is going to be a much better year all around. I am feeling much more hopeful today. Overwhelmed, but hopeful.

2010 WILL be better. Except that my kids are going to both be true adolescents this year. Got an exra room, anyone? J/K...for now.

My Mom gave me this book last Christmas called Get Out of That Pit. It's by a Christian author, and though I don't jive theologically with everything she wrote, it did have some really encouragingstuff in it. It might be a good feel good read, when your cutie pie is taking a nap or something. Is it weird that I miss those days? If I found I was pregnant tomorrow, I would need a bag to breathe into, but I do miss babies

goggle up USLacrosse and follow the prompts for womens lacrosse. you can find the rules and other info

on the porn stuff, do you think your drive for details could stem from you wanting to have something to take some of the negative stigma of your recent A away from yourself?

another thought was maybe as in an A there may be no real answers to why he used it. and some details are just best left alone