Thanks for the advice everyone! Sounds like a pretty unanimous message...move on. This site has been great in helping me stay somewhat sane during this ordeal.

I really wonder if she has a personality disorder. Her actions certainly point that way, yet at times she can act and talk like a fun, kind, rational woman. I guess that people with disorders have the ability to fool themselves and others into thinking that they are perfectly fine. I believe this is my WW...

On a side note, she is continuing to see her counselor which appears to me a huge waste of time and money. The counselor is basically focusing on why she is feeling the way she is and placing blame on me. I guess I am the bad guy for being angry about the affair and pushing her away...please!! Maybe I should send flowers and write her a love poem. What a joke!

"On a side note, she is continuing to see her counselor which appears to me a huge waste of time and money. The counselor is basically focusing on why she is feeling the way she is and placing blame on me."

This counselor is a waste of your money. Stop paying for it.

This why we do not recommend IC's to waywards. These guys make a living out of people with a guilty conscience.

When I started reading other peoples' stories and asking myself some of the questions they had asked themselves, I too, began to believe my WW has a personality disorder. Prior to that, the thought had never crossed my mind. Before I get 2x4'd, let me say that (1) I am not qualified to make such a diagnosis, and (2) without regard to WW's condition, I still need to work on me and how I made it possible for WW to stray.

For the record, I am the 4th H my WW has left. I don't believe she had A's before, but at this point, anything is possible. She also has a shaky work history, terrible financial irresponsibility and a seeming complete lack of conscience. I could not understand many of her behaviors pre-A, and it wasn't until I started researching that I found some closure.

I found this site helpful as well as this one. If you think your WW has a personality disorder, I urge you to check these and others out. But remember: diagnosis must be made by a qualified person.

Fred, I bet if you dug deep enough, you'd find she has cheated before in past relationships. Her ExH dislikes her, right? And, she did not get the kids.
These folks don't just suddenly start cheating at age 44.
It is probably best to just let it go. But, if you did some research, talking to people that knew her before you arrived, I bet you'd find infidelity in her past.

Maybe, Zelmo. But I'm not going to waste the energy. As someone (SugarCane?) cited her recently (and the following supported by the Stepfamilies of America):
So there's no question in my mind where she's headed...

Ed, let her speak to Dr Harley. But don't stop your plans to divorce. Stick with your plan while you have the advantage - for the sake of your kids - and only stop if she makes a dramatic change. "Thinking about talking to Dr HArley" is NOT a dramatic and heartfelt change. That is bullcrap. It is no more significant than the falling down drunk who is "thinking about switching to gin." Whatevah!

I would strongly suggest you go into Plan B before she drives you crazy with this bullcrap. She will keep you dragged into her sick crap with these crumbs. If you go into Plan B you won't be disturbed by anything other than the REAL DEAL.

If you want to do that, I can help you with a plan.

Plan B is a life/sanity saver. Gets you away from their abuse. Plan D does, as well, when you are ready.
IMO, no one should consider staying in a marriage with someone who is not 100% committed to accepting all responsibility for the decison to cheat and who is willing to really do the hard wokr to restore the marriage. No fence sitters should be allowed to continue in their marriages.

I know its hard and I can relate seriuosly. Even if you move on please come here and read. You will see that others go through the same things and that there is hope.

You are probably going to get blamed by her counselor. I wouldn't worry about that because the counselor will have to parent this WW now. For all you know WW is spinning a tale about you. That is common also so don't feel alone.

The importaat thing is that you now can be free of the lies and taking the blame for her problems.

Ed --

Showering her with flowers, compliments, and poetry is NOT an appropriate response to a spouse who is having an affair. Anger is.

And expecting a betrayed spouse to beg, bargain, and jump through hoops is not an appropriate expectation for someone who CHEATED.

Her thought processes are very very screwy.

Your boundries are very reasonable and specific. Leave her with those and step away.

I understand how badly you want your family intact. It seems to me that you are grieving the loss (even tho there is a very logical side to you that understands it might be best...)

So maybe the most help for you would be to understand the grieving process, because it seems like you are stuck in the bargaining phase. Because there is no reason at all to keep having these relationship talks with an active wayward who keeps regurgitating her foggy justifications to you. It almost seems like you are somewhat buying-in to her idea that you should somehow prove yourself to her. (!!! huh ???)

This is merely her way of trying to get you back into Plan A -- because she really liked having both a husband AND a boyfriend.
This is NOT because she is going to make a choice between you!
That is what you really need to understand. You won't win. Its not a competition between you and OM on who can shower her with the BEST compliments or the PRETTIEST flowers, or the FUNNEST dates and then she chooses. She wants BOTH. Indefinetly.

Until one of you regains his dignity and walks away. Instead of playing that game, keep your dignity NOW and walk away.
She has MASSIVE changes to make in her mentality, behavior, and character. She's not good enough for you.

Ed, go check out Dr Harley's newsletter titled When to Call it Quits. Here is an excerpt:

here

I apologize for the thread-jack....

Mel, can you send me an email at ncwalker at charter dot net

I have a photo of ma I want to send you.

Here is a good laugh for you all..the latest comments blew me away...actually made me laugh they were so ridiculous!

So I was talking to the stbx about the pending D and trying to get that wrapped up. I had reminded her of my conditions for calling off the D a few days ago...NC was #1 on the list. She says that the D is the only option because she just does not want to cut either guy out of her life - the PA guy she is dating now and the EA guy she has not seen in 12 yrs. She says "if I wanted to talk to those guys on the phone or send them an e-mail I should be able to do that. It's not my fault you are too insecure to handle that and you would need to be watching my every move."

I could not believe those words came out of her mouth. I was quick to remind her that her having these "friends" led to this mess. She is unreal....

you are so "insecure!!"

I needed some advice with the latest...I had a feeling this moment would come. My W tells me that she has been thinking about things and thinks maybe there is hope. She asks if I still wanted her to come home if she were willing to go NC.

I had told myself I was moving on and would be happier without her. I am questioning her motivation with all this. Is she just finally realizing everything she is giving up and having second thoughts? I have a couple questions...

Given all that has happened and everything that she said (has not loved me in years, has zero sexual attraction to me, feels neglected, hates my family, finds me boring, etc) should I consider working on things? I am afraid of false recoveries which would just be tougher on me and the kids.

She is calling me later tonight...what questions should I ask her to figure out if she is really serious about this or just feeling sad about losing everything.

Every single person who knows the situation has told me to move on. They all say I deserve better and will be happier in the long run...this is just so tough. I appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thanks!

I would tell her that you want to take it slow and ask her what her plan is for repairing the marriage. In the meantime, PLEASE make an appointment with Steve Harley and let him feel her out. It will be worth avoiding the worst hell you have ever been through in a false recovery.

False recoveries are worse than initial D-Days, Ed. Be very, very careful.

I honestly do not know if I want to try to work on things...not sure I can be married to someone who did this to me over and over again. Plus all the hateful things she said...I have serious doubts. She still says she hates all the work of raising young kids and it is way too much for her. I'm not sure that is what I want to be married to. I have a feeling we would wind up in the same place again...She feels trapped, hates the lifestyle, is bored, blah blah blah.

Please, for God's sake, get out while you have the chance. You can't build a life with someone like that, Ed. Think of your kids. You have a distinct legal advantage as it is. Please don't give that up. If she has a miraculous reawakening some day, then give her a consideration. But you and I both know nothing has changed.

She is experiencing ambivalence and fear, nothing more.

Mel...I think you are right. Here is something else that she said today which made me question her mental stability. I asked her to explain to me why she had the affair and what was going to change to make this never happen again.

Her reply...."I think you are so clueless that sometimes something major has to happen before you realize there is a serious problem."

So her way of letting me know she was not happy in the marriage was to destroy it??? Right... This will be tough but I can't let her back in saying things like that.

Get out while you have the legal advantage. After the D if xWW can go NC and shows see is ready then date her and go slow.