Good sign here. NOT a red flag at all!




Very common amongst waynerds. In fact, they don't really feel lovable at all.




Typical stupid, foggy dribble - but nothing scary or new, or even very interesting. He'll have deeper insights (hopefully) the longer his head is outta his hole.


Good job YOU ! You must have made this possible by NOT being reactive. EXCELLENT work !


He's protecting OW with this remark. But, let it pass. Like gas. Think of OW as a fart, if that helps. Smelly, unpleasant, but feels better once one lets go.



He's protecting himself with this remark. His way of protecting himself from the reality that he did contribute to the demise of a marriage. If this comes up again, gently reply:

"In my opinion, a marriage is over when the divorce is final."


Do not be surprised if there is some continued contact. The dummies often give in to the tired old ploy ... "I need closure."
Particularly the female infidels go for this "closure" ploy, and the foggy men fall for it.

Next time you speak to WH, ask him to contact you before he replies in any way shape or form to any contact efforts from OW.

Tell WH, "Let's talk things over first when OW contacts you. Especially if OW asks for closure - call me right away."




Transparency was initially a very difficult process for my H ... waynerds get so accustomed to hiding stuff (from everyone, including themselves) ... but at least your H knows what you expect ... back when we were going through this I did not have the MB army to back me up.



Being a lying scum bag is exhausting on persons who are basically good at their core.
He'll feel better soon.







The initial honeymoon phase is exciting.
Once the STD testing is done, and you are free to do it, have as much sex as possible without falling over dead.
I kid you not !
Let MB forum know when you hit that terrible angry speed bump a few months down the road. It seems to slap the recovering BS out of nowhere.

You're doing GREAT !!!

Traci'

Traci,
Pep's right. You're going to go through different emotions as you try to R your M. The best support I received was here. Vets helped me understand why I was feeling the way I was at the time.



Gg

Still talking a lot. WH now finally asleep in the recliner. Letting him sleep since he is exhausted. Trying to stay off of computer and spend time with him. We both feel that we are making some progress and know that it is going to take a lot of time. He finally figured out what I was talking about when I was talking about addiction and withdrawl from OW. He understands completely and wanted to know what if he runs into her at the store and I told him he had better turn around and walk away.

He isn't to fond of what I have done to the bedroom but understands why. He would say stuff to me and say he doesn't want to hurt my feelings but..., told him I want him to be honest about everything even if he doesn't like what I have done with house. Told him I sold 3 of his rifles and he wasn't too happy. Told him he had sold the camera I gave him. Also told him that I did feel guilty when I did it but that I did it for DD 22. I did feel guilty when I did it and I almost didn't do it.

This is going to be hard but I am in it for the long haul and I think we are worth it. Told him that I had been praying for God to take care of him in the end and I think this surprised him. I hope once the zoloft kicks in that he starts to feel better and maybe we can move forward a little easier.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci,
He shouldn't be making you feel guilty about anything - he hasn't earned it. And don't give up the things you wanted to do for yourself. Remember he has to prove through his actions and this is going to take time. It took my M two years.

Gg

AD meds: Great thing for a spouse going through withdrawal.
Transparency: Required for recovery.

Dr. Harley counsels couples going through withdrawal from a lover to do so together, rather than apart. Spending withdrawal together doesn't result in immediate results, but it lays the groundwork for future recovery together as you show your ability to care despite the affair.

Good luck.

I like this advice when dealing with foggy statements about the OP:


It's a great "word" picture and is sooo true!

Everything Pep said was perfect but this one sticks out.

What awesome news Traci

This is awesome news.

I'm so HAPPY for you.

It's really hard to know what to do. But keep G-d in the picture, ask him for guidance, seek the wisdom here and trust your instincts. We aren't there. YOU ARE.

I hope you know that it is your sheer guts that saved this union, at least to this part of possible recovery.

You sound like you love him dearly, don't let pity over ride what you KNOW needs to happen.

Sometimes WS slip and still communicate w OW. I have read this scenario more than a few times here. Don't allow any sneeky communication aves (try to get email PW phone and text under control) tenativly trust but verify

In about, oh six months, you may feel a backlash of emotions that surprise you. As long as you keep posting, I'm sure the pro's here will help you.

Also MC is great, but not all WS are ready for it right away.

Do I say congrats??!?! Good Luck to you. I hope it is as it appears!

Still talking and he is talking to his family too. He said he had to learn to open up and talk. He never opened up to his own brothers and sisters and now he is talking and opening up to not only me but them and they are happy. They are also happy and relieved that we are back together. They are all praying that everything turns out okay.

H talks about us what happens if we can't make it work. He is afraid that I won't be able to handle it again. I told him he should not think that way that he should pray on it and that I feel we can make it. Have faith. I think that is the guilt and the fog talking. I know he is still in a fog. I just have to continue to pray and be strong. I have gotten this far but I have a long way to go and I mean a long way. I know that there are a lot of statements he makes that tells me he is in a fog still.

Still hoping and praying.

BW-me 44yrs
WH-him 47yrs
OW 26yrs with a 2 and now 4yrold and still married
married 20 yrs
together 21yrs
DD 22yrs
DD 19yrs
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
WH left 7/25/2009
WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to recover 12/30/2009

What did he mean by this - him having another A?

Traci, have you considered the MB home program? Since your WH is willing it seems the home program could work for you both.

Gg

It sounds like he is real foggy and still in his emotions a lot. His feeling guilty is a two edged sword here IMO. He needs to feel guilty for what he has done to everyone but he also needs to let the OW go as his responsibilty.
It will be tough but his guilt if any should be pointed at his failure with his marriage so he will build that up.

I hope that what I said makes sense. Of course God will show you guys which way to choose and the vets on the board here are more experianced with all this.
Rooting for your marriage Traci!!

H told me today that he is feeling a little better and feels better about us. Me, I am scared to death. Still talking though. H is scared that if we can't fix our marriage that I won't be able to handle it. Told him that we have to try and that I think we will do fine and that it is going to take time and work and he knows this but is worried about me.

Will probably try to take some family medical leave because of the stress. Don't want to lose my job. Doing okay right now but what in a couple of weeks. The stress might get to me with the stress at work too. Will probably try to take 4 weeks off.

Still hoping and praying.

Traci,

You are doing great. Taking things VERY slowly is good. I did it too that way. Work through things step by step. Mimi taught me to remember that the WH was damaged and hurting and not the person who I remembered when he left home.

There has been time for them to change and you are just getting to know him again. And yes, the fog is so obvious. JT taught me to Plan A MY H and Plan B the WH. By that I mean, when you see that he is foggy, don't push the situation, turn him over to G-d and seek guidance on how to walk through things.

G-d is right there wanting your M to recover. TRUST him, he knows how it is supposed to happen. He will show you if you listen.

Breathe... be still... listen.... but most importantly watch his actions....

TRUST G-d....

I love you...

Went to bed last night and talked about 2 hours. I know that my H is depressed and it shows. And I also know that because of his depression he is negative about things. He is scared what if this doesn't work out. I told him that we have to give it time. He said that our marriage didn't have any passion and that he took most of the responsibility for that since I had always tried to work on it. Told him our marriage did have passion at one time. He said yeah at the beginning and said so did your affair. Told him that marriages don't start with passion and keeep it the whole marriage. That you have to work at it. He is hoping once the medication kicks in he will feel somewhat better and be able to participate. Told him he will probably have to increase his dosage. Funny thing is is that he doesn't realize he is participating by just talking and letting me in in ways he never did before. He is letting me know haow he feels and that he is scared. I told him that by following the Rule of Protection and using the POJA was the first step and that I wasn't going to push him until he was ready for the rest. Also told him that I wanted know what he wanted out of marriage. I am trying to meet his emotional needs and hoping that this will help him and me. Told him that I was going to do small things for him and not to stop from doing them.

I have never seen someone so depressed before and I realize that this is what I must have look like before drugs kicked in. Depression is a horrible thing and I know that he did this to himself but I really don't like looking at him like this. I am worried because the affair just didn't burn out but he came back out of guilt and depression. I know that he love me and that he cares and he let me know that but I also know that he loves her too. So I am still worried about that. He didn't like thefact that he could do what he had done. He wants to work on our marriage because it is important to him. I just don't what else to do at this time.

Are you taking him to a doctor for his depression?

I am sure that in time and with some outside counseling for your H things will improve for his depression. Its a real problem for some of us I know.
He's home where God wants him to be and just like your former prayers asked. What has he been praying about Traci?

I have seen you referance 3 times about how concerned he was about what would happen if things didn't work out. I have a feeling that right now he wants out of everything including his A.
I am sure that your H is very capable but he sounds like hes having a lot of self-confidence/insecurity issues.

Hang in there Traci

The above is what Harley wrote to a WW who chose to R her M with BS. Your WH is going through withdrawal. He has fears based on the feelings he had while with OW. He needs to get through withdrawal.

Gg

OMG, I dont read for a week and look what happened....I am always hoping for this to happen to someone when I havent looked in a while....I am still reading on, I am sure you are gettin help with this....I am so so happy for you Traci, just take it slow and dont take any less from him then NC and actively working on the marriage...