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#2297485 01/01/10 08:03 PM
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Hi,
I am sitting here alone and honestly don't know how much more I can take. I have probably done everything wrong since I discovered my wife's affair at the end of July. I don't know what to do anymore.

My story:

Me 42 yrs old
Wife 39 years old
Married 17 years
OM 29 years old


2009 was definitely the worst year for our marriage....since the first of the year, we barely spoke, when we did speak we were arguing, no emotional connection. Around June, my wife started making comments about a guy at work. How he was nice looking, he turned her on, made suggestive comments, etc. At the time I blew it off, she has self esteem issues related to her weight (never bothered me)and has made similar comments in the past.

Starting aroud the first of July, she started talking about moving out and getting a divorce. Again, once in awhile we had gone through this, so I blew it off. Around the last week of July I just had a feeling something wasn't right. I checked her cell phone bill and noticed a number that kept coming up for a lot of long phone calls. That night I asked her about it, she said it was a female friend at work. Even showed me the listing for the number in her phone. I told her I was going to call the number tomorrow and see what happens. She said fine. I went to another room, and she came in 20 mins later and said it was the guy from work she'd been talking about. She insisted there was no affair, they were just friends. I blew up at first and she apologized, we ended up having sex that night and I thought that was the end of it. 2 days later it hit me like a ton of bricks, the woman I loved was doing this behind my back and I started falling apart.

By the first week of August I was on Lexapro and Xanax and a complete basket case. We planned a trip away with our 2 daughters, 18 and 15, for the end of August. The day before the trip, my wife had to go to the doctor for routine blood work. While she was gone, I checked her cell phone records and she had called the OM the night before. I called her and she angrily denied it, then angrily admitted it and accused me of spying on her. I left that day and when I finally answered her phone call, I said why are calling me, you don't care and she said I don't but the girls do. I couldn't believe she said that. We talked for 2 hours on the phone, she insisted there was no physical affair, but admitted she "liked" him. We decided to go on vacation and it was great, she said she had been stupid and it was over. When we got back, we went to lunch and I thought we had an honest talk. I apologized for being so distant and told her that if she had been having a physical affair I would forgive herr. She insisted she had not, but opened up and said she been falling in love with him, but was over it and loved me more than ever. I also brought up the fact that I had checked our health insurance online and it didn't show her going to the doctors in months. She said she had no idea...I believed her.

That night, everything went wrong. She left her email up when she got up and my oldest daughter saw it and came and got me. It was a message from the OM that simply said "so how are you" When my wife came back I asked her about it, and she said she didn;t know why he sent it to her, and she had never gotten an email from him before. I had her search her account with his name and of course dozens of emails came up. She started crying, I said "you've been having an affair with him, haven't you" and she nodded her head yes. Then I said "you've been sleeping with him while you've been sleeping with me?" again she nodded yes. I didn't know my daughter, who had left the toom, was hiding around the corner. She came out calling my wife a whore and other terrible things trying to stick up for me. We both left the house, my wife started calling me immediately saying I "misunderstood" what she was saying...there was no physical affair, she wasn't nodding her head she was just crying. I called the OM and he also denied any affair.I stayed away that night, but I came back the next morning and just asked her calmly who she wanted to be with. She immediately said me. We agreed to immediate marriage counseling.

First session September 4. Our first visit was joint, next ones were alone then we came together again to discuss things then we had another solo appt. I told our therapist about the supposed doctors appointment and that I thought she was having a physical affair. He basically insisted that he had interrogated my wife and in his opinion I needed to stop obsessing over it and get on with making our marriage better. We went to counseling through Oct.9 and seemed to be doing great. I never felt so close to my wife, she seemed very happy...I thought I had been given the second chance I probably didn't deserve.

We had a great Thanksgiving and leading up to Christmas was great too. However, 2 things kept bothering me. One, she still worked with him. She offered to quit, but we are currently shopping for a new house and with jobs being the way they are we were afraid it would screw things up. Second, he is one of her facebook friends. When I asked her about it, she said everyone at their work are friends. I started felling uneasy again and out a keylogger on our PC on Dec. 19. I waited until after Christmas, which by the way was the best Christmas we ever had together and as a family. Looked at the keylogger, got her email account password, and looked at her emails. Couldn't find anything and I started to feel foolish. Then I looked in her sent mail and there it was...an email from her to him dated Oct. 9 saying how hard it was to see him that day to tell him it was over, how she loved him with all her heart and would always love him, how she hoped they would be together one day, how he was a great kisser and fantastic in bed, etc.

I barely made it through the day until we were together and....I didn't say anything...I couldn't. I was and am terrified of what will happen if I come right out and confront her.

She could tell something was wrong and we sat up and cried for hours about all that we had allowed to happen. Finally I said I don't want you to confirm or deny this, I just want you to know that I am so sorry that I caused you to do what you did. She said it wasn't my fault it was hers and said she was sorry.

The next day I sent her an email that basically said if she still loved someone else that I would understand and I wanted her to be happy. Her reply to me said she wanted no one but me and she said whatever I had done to her, she had done far worse to me.

Which, finally, brings us to the present. Everything seems fine, we are talking about renewing our wedding vows. This whole experience has shown me how much I love my wife and I believe she loves me.....

I can't stop thinking of the details of the affair, it is making me physically and mentally ill. My wife still hasn't out and out admitted a physical affair, but, honestly, I'm not sure I want her to. She still works with this guy, but I just took her to dinner on her lunch break and nobody acted weird when I came in and she introduced me to several people I hadn't met yet...he is still a facebook friend of hers...

Like I said in the beginning, I feel totally lost. I love my wife so much, but I don't want to be a fool either...

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this, I know it's long, but it just kept coming...

Last edited by Revera; 01/01/10 09:48 PM. Reason: correcting censor problem
jcb #2297487 01/01/10 08:18 PM
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Do you want to recover your marriage? If you do, then the first step will be for her end ALL CONTACT wth the OM. And I do mean ALL. If she continues to see him at work and on facebook, the affair will continue and this will be hopeless. There will be no recovery unless all contact ends.

Will she end contact with the OM?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


jcb #2297489 01/01/10 08:21 PM
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from Requirements for Recovery:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
continued here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


jcb #2297490 01/01/10 08:21 PM
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Jcb, I may be one of the first to respond to your post. I'm sorry you're here, but this is where you need to be. As it's the weekend, responses may be slow in coming. But you need to keep coming back even still.

I'd recommend reading everything you can on this site, and also recommend you get a copy of the book, "Surviving an Affair" (available here or at your local book seller). You need to understand the basic principles of MB so that you can act and work toward your stated goal.

I'm going to tell you right out that it's very likely your wife is still having her affair. It sounds to me like she may be "cake eating" (wanting her cake and eating it, too). You should read up and understand Plan A and Plan B. If you want your marriage to survive, you must immediately do the following:
  • Cease supporting the Affair in any way, shape or form
  • Protect yourself and your children
  • SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP - find out if she's still active in the A and if so, know that she's "foggy"
  • To that end, buy a keylogger, a voice-activated recorder (VAR) and even hire a P.I. if necessary
  • Realize that she will have to quit her job and cancel her Facebook account.
  • When you have the proof (and are working Plan A) EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. Go "nuclear" on this. Affairs thrive in secrecy and fantasy. Exposing them to the light of day is like presenting a cross to a vampire.


This is just the beginning. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. Fortunately, you've found the best web site online to help you with this, if you let that help come. Start reading by clicking on the Most Popular Links to the right, and then pay attention to the "veterans" when they come aboard.

Ah, I see MelodyLane has already responded. Jcb, she's one of the best. LISTEN TO HER AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. Get to work!

Last edited by Fred_in_VA; 01/01/10 08:26 PM.

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Is the OM married? If so, have you told his wife about the affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He is not married, but has a girlfriend.

Thanks for all the replies!

jcb #2297493 01/01/10 08:36 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
He is not married, but has a girlfriend.

Thanks for all the replies!

jcb, has she been told about the affair? Have you spoken to her? This might kill the affair and keep it killed *IF* your wife leaves the job. If she doesnt leave the job this is hopeless anyway.

Thank you, Fred! smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have asked, she just insists there is nothing going on anymore. I want to believe her so badly, I just can't believe she could say or do the things she's doing with me if this was still going on...

jcb #2297496 01/01/10 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
I have asked, she just insists there is nothing going on anymore. I want to believe her so badly, I just can't believe she could say or do the things she's doing with me if this was still going on...

jcb, you are kidding, right? Your wife has demonstrated to you that she is completely untrustworthy by lying and cheating on you. To trust the word of such a person is foolish. And will lead to the demise of your marriage. Believing an untrustworthy person is foolish.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I know it probably sounds foolish, and I don't know why I feel this way, but I don't want to lose my wife....I am TERRIFIED to do anything that might push her away....forcing her to quit might do just that.

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Yes, I did.
I KNOW you're right....but I KNOW where it will lead....another argument, more pain, my god I sound like a hostage with stockholm syndrome...pathetic...

We have been doing the romance part,,,little gifts to each other, dinner for two, date night, etc....

jcb #2297499 01/01/10 08:48 PM
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On top of all this, she comes home from work in 45 minutes, and I feel bad for talking about this behind her back....


jcb #2297500 01/01/10 08:48 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
I know it probably sounds foolish, and I don't know why I feel this way, but I don't want to lose my wife....I am TERRIFIED to do anything that might push her away....forcing her to quit might do just that.

No, her continuing to work there is going to destroy your marriage. Her affair will destroy your marriage. Her affair will not end until she ends all contact with her lover. Your feelings are not truth and are leading you wrong. Your marriage will never recover as long as she works there.

I have never seen a marriage recover in the 9 years I have been where the affairees stayed in contact.

If she won't leave her job, then you have no chance.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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After all these months of working together after I found out about there involvement, how do I tell her to leave her job now? She doesn't know I know about the physical affair (although I thought she admitted it without saying it in our email exchange. If I tell her about the email, I give up the keylogger as a tool...

jcb #2297502 01/01/10 08:59 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
After all these months of working together after I found out about there involvement, how do I tell her to leave her job now? She doesn't know I know about the physical affair (although I thought she admitted it without saying it in our email exchange. If I tell her about the email, I give up the keylogger as a tool...

You can tell her that you are willing to work on this marriage if she leaves the job. Her going to see her lover every day at work is profoundly disrespectful to you and completely prevents any hope of recovery. Tell her there is no other way. And tell her you know that she went to bed with the OM so she can stop lying about it. If she asks how you know, tell her you have had her "watched" and explain that is ALL you will tell her.

You need to stop being fearful, Sir, or you are not going to make it. Your marriage will survive her temporary anger, it will not survive this affair. And if you don't get her out of there, she will never withdraw from him. You are looking at YEARS of this in your future if you don't get on the stick and start standing up for your marriage.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Who is the girlfriend? Do you have her phone # and did you save the email where they discuss having sex?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


jcb #2297505 01/01/10 09:06 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
After all these months of working together after I found out about there involvement, how do I tell her to leave her job now? She doesn't know I know about the physical affair (although I thought she admitted it without saying it in our email exchange. If I tell her about the email, I give up the keylogger as a tool...

JCB,

The keylogger has much value and should not be jeopardized.

You have much fear (ie. "terrified"). Fear is your enemy. This affair is your enemy. Listen to Mel. Mrs. JCB has not earned your trust. The little gifts and date nights could very well be her attempts at "putting out that fire" before resuming with OM.

You have to ask yourself which is more important, the new house or your marriage. If the former, get the house and wonder every day what's going on with Mrs. JCB. If the latter, tell her to quit and put the effort into repairing your marriage.

TB



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Melody,
I know you're right.
I hate being afraid, I've never been like this before.
If I confront her, and if she explodes (which she will) I will have to leave the house, at least for that night. After the rollercoaster they've already been through, what do I tell the kids? In your opinion, what would happen next? Would my wife finally wake up or is there a possibility she'll really leave? Should I really tell the OM's girlfriend...I've never met her...should I tell my wife's mother..doesn't that cause irreperable harm to any future reconcilitaion?

Thanks...

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I printed the email, and saved it. I don't have her phone number but I could easily get it..I own an IT company, kind of an original hacker...haha...

jcb #2297510 01/01/10 09:14 PM
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Originally Posted by jcb
Melody,
I know you're right.
I hate being afraid, I've never been like this before.

jcb, we are all afraid, but you cannot let it stand in the way of your marriage. You don't have the luxury of catering to your fear right now, you have a marriage to save. You are going to have to buck up here, Sir.

Quote
If I confront her, and if she explodes (which she will) I will have to leave the house, at least for that night.

No, you don't leave. If she explodes, you pat her on the head, tell her you are sure sorry she is upset and ask her if she would like a potato chip. But you don't leave. IT IS YOUR HOUSE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! You CHOOSE to act like a man, not a scared little boy. Good grief, Sir, you are a little old to get so scared at some womans angry outburst.

Quote
After the rollercoaster they've already been through, what do I tell the kids?

The truth. That their mother is having an affair with a man from work. You don't lie to kids to whitewash the crimes of their parents.

Quote
In your opinion, what would happen next? Would my wife finally wake up or is there a possibility she'll really leave? Should I really tell the OM's girlfriend...I've never met her...should I tell my wife's mother..doesn't that cause irreperable harm to any future reconcilitaion?

Thanks...

You should tell everyone. EVERYONE. WITHOUT WARNING. Your parents, her parents, the OM's girlfriend, your children, your pastor. Affairs thrive on secrecy. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive this affair.

It is the AFFAIR that will cause "irreparable harm to any future reconconcilation," not your exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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