jcb, you don't need to prove to your wife what she already knows. Don't even ASK HER, just tell her you know and suffice it to say that you do have the evidence. All you have to tell her is that you have the evidence and you won't be sharing your resource with her.

Do you know who the girlfriend is and how to reach her?

She works for a large retail chain. He is just another worker like her. I do know the girlfriends name, have her facebook and email info, I know where she works...I could easily get her phone number. Right now, every time I come in to her work, the OM literally runs away. My family and I went out to a restaurant a few weeks ago, saw the OM with his girlfriend (my wife actually pointed him out..??) and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me...he immediately left.

I'm sorry if I keep asking questions that sound "weak", but how much of a possibilty is there that by exposing my wife, telling the OM's girlfriend, that this will push them together?

Maybe I'm not getting it, but I can't help but continuing to think that she is going to deny, deny, deny, until she sees actual proof that I know what's been going on...

jcb, I know some of this advice seems counter to the "peacekeeping" type of stuff that our insticts and relly dull MC's tell us, but follow this advice you are getting here to the letter. Trust me. I am a FWW, and the best thing my H ever did was to draw an immovable line in the land and act on it. Waywards are like stubborn three-year olds. They need TOUGH love.

I have to admit that something about your screen name and initial post made me have a punch in the stomach feeling. I confessed my A in July of 2006, and my h's screen name was very similar to yours. Our ages are even almost the same. He even ended up havig to take anti-anxiety meds for awhile. Very soon afterward e talked about vow renewal, but we were nowhere near ready. The good news is that we made it.

But certain things have to happen - no exceptions. She cannot have contact with this man. She has to own all that she did - that means admitting to ALL of it. No matter what might have been wrong with your M the affair is 100% her fault. Enforce NC - and check up on her. No secrets! NO privacy except the bathroom, seriously. And expose. And yes, the kids need to know. You aren't degrading her - you are being honest.

I am so so sorry you are having to go through this. Be a ma of action. It is the best thing you can do.

JCB,

You don't have to prove to her that she is having an affair. She already knows she is...

You don't have to convince a jury, just let her know that you know. Will she be mad if you don't reveal your source? Sure! She's gonna be mad as hell that you called her on her affair and lying. No matter what you do to interfere with the affair she's going to be livid about it. Stop trying to prevent making her mad.

If you think of the affair as an addiction, which it is in the very real sense of the word, BTW, then you can remain focused on separating the addict from the drug, in this case, OM (actually more of a fantasy of OM that she has created in her mind). Anything you do that stands in the way of her next fix is going to call forth the wrath of God from your POV. She will do anything to keep OM an active part of her life...

She will threaten.
She will curse.
She will scream.
She will shout.
She will rant.
She will call you names.

IGNORE IT!

Develop a PLAN and execute your PLAN. The drama she will create means NOTHING.

You can't educate her into ending the affair.
You can't rationally convince her to end the affair (Affairs are not rationally based. They run on feelings which are from the part of your brain that doesn't use language skills, thought processes and logical functions.)
You can't force her to end the affair.

Make the affair harder than ending it. Make remaining married easier than not ending the affair. Make you a better choice than OM. Make OM less appealing because you can give her what she needs.

Meet her ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.

You don't have to fight her, only the affair.

If you absolutely need to answer her or you will die from failure to answer then tell her this when she asks how you know...

"How I know is not as important as knowing that you've been boinking OM." (Use his name so she KNOWS that you know.)



Mark

It's funny, one of things I remember from the initial discovery is that I went to her work and was basically looking to beat this guy to a pulp...my wife said she liked seeing me that way it showed her I care...maybe being the sympathetic, needy, crying basket case is the opposite of what she wants/needs...

What exposure does is ruin the fantasy of the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting them out in the open inflicts a lethal blow.


Thats ok if she denies, you don't need to prove to her what you both know is true. Just tell her you have the evidence and she can deny all she wants but you both know the truth. Tell her that her denial is not helping her cause because you both know the truth.

How about reading her words to her and telling her you got them in a system scan? Are they in an email?

Well, I agree. You haven't fought for your marriage at all, jcb. Women don't respect men they can run over and our love is very contingent upon the respect we feel.

JCB,

The affair is a fantasy. It can only exists as long as it remains in their minds. Once exposed to the light of truth and made to become visible as the dirty and wretched act that it is, it requires much more effort and will to continue.

Exposure raises the COST of the affair and makes it more costly than ending the affair and returning to the marriage. It won't cause a complete turn around all at once, but by making it more costly than it is worth, you will drive a stake through the heart of the affair. It can make her stay with you by default while you work the magic of Plan A and begin to win back her heart and mind.

She's boinking some other guy. How much worse do you think it can get if you make her mad?

Jump on this while you are still her fall back. Once she decides to actually leave you, then you are no longer her rescuer but her nemesis. Be her hero and save her from the road she's traveling.

Mark

It is good that you remember what you read here... Always look good, vent here, not at WW!

jcb, here is how I would play this out today. Today would be a great time to bring this to a head because you both have tomorrow off, right?

I would call the OM' GF today and tell her about the affair. Tell her your evidence.

Then go home and tell your wife you know and that the OM's GF has been told. Ask her to quit her job now and end all contact with the OM. Use the talking points I gave you earlier.

After you have done this, say we are going to set down with DD and tell her the truth. You can come with me or not, but she has a right to know and will be told NOW. Then tell your DD the truth.

Your wife will be furious, but you know what, jcb? she will be relieved deep down that you are standing up for your marriage. She knows in her heart that this marriage will never work this way. She knows. She needs to see her H stand up for her. Do it, friend.

OK,
I'm running a search for the OM's girlfriend now...
I think you're right about standing up for her...
I think in her heart she knows I know, and if I know then I am not fighting for her...does that make sense?

On a side note..can anyone give any insight to this? One of the things that baffles me about this is the class of gut she chose to have an affair with. He posts on myspace and facebook all the time how he can't pay his bills, his home phone was shut off, drives a broken down truck, talks like uneducated bum, is not anymore than average looking, and is dead broke working part time at T*****.....
What in the world would make her keep this up with someone like him. I am not saying this to brag, but my wife has let us say, developed an appeciation for what money can buy.....he can provide NONE of this. This more than anything has destroyed my self esteem....

jcb, go read the thread about why WS "affair down." My XH [not current] left me for an OW who chain smokes cigars, drinks Jumbo buds, is uneducated and has poor grammar, and is a house painter. She has buck teef and really bad smokers lines on her face. I am college educated, have a great career and am attractive. I was shocked when I saw her. She is the epitomy of white trash.

Yes it does. And just prepare for her to be furious at first and be prepared to not react. Dont let her scare oyu and don't allow her to bait you into a fight. She will get over it quick, I promise. She will respect and love you for standing up for your marriage, jcb.

Well I suppose I'm glad (you know what I mean) that I'm not the only one...
It's still baffling though.
I'm ashamed to say in the past 5 months I've lost 30 lbs (175 now) joined a gym and I dress like..well, I guess a 29 year old (what a coincidence haha)I hate what this has done to my self esteem.

To get ready for this, I re-read the email from my wife to the OM...
Don't think I should have...

The amount of LOVE this email professes between the two of them is staggering...she even uses the same pet name she has for me with him...It doesn't read like a dirty affair, it reads like a fairy tale of 2 star crosses lovers cheated by fate....

It makes me both mad and very very sad.

Honestly, is there hope for us? If she REALLY loved him, what good is all this?

Thank You

jcb, stick to the plan! They ALL "love" their affair partners or they wouldn't have the affair. Doesn't mean you can't come out of this with a great marriage.

This is more reason that they should not work together or see each other on facebook.

This is unbelievable...!!!!!!!

She is looking at his f***ing pictures on facebook as we speak!
I am so mad right now, it's better I'm at work...

Can't find the girlfriends cell yet..still trying.

WTF!!!

Jcb,
Your WW is an alien right now. She's in a fog. You can't believe anything she tells you or what you read. It's all fantasy. She's lost - your job is to help her get out of woods. You will be the one to clear the path so she can get home. Follow Mel's advice. If I believed my FWH I would have missed out on having the best M (it tooks 2 years but we made it).

Gg

Focus on the plan.
Do you know the Girlfiends name or where she works or lives?
You can do this!

Is telling the girlfriend better than threatening to do it unless the affair is stopped and contact terminated?