Your "deficiencies" played no role in her decision to cheat. Perhaps you sensed she had this type of behavior within her. Hence, you unwillingness to full let down your guard. Our subconciouses do pick up on this type of thing within another.

Also, at this pjase, a BS is very vulnerable to mixing up having been imperfect in the marriage with responsibility for having "caused" the affair. Your self esteem and confidence take such a hit, that a WS suggesting you were not meeting needs is often interpreted by a BS as having caused the A.

Normal, healthy individuals do not have affairs to adress their marital dissatisfaction. She had so many other options other than cheating.

So...she isn't going to tell her family she cheated.

What makes you think she won't do it again, then, if she experiences no shame (consequences) for what she did?

Just an aside, but I have noticed that when a man does all the housework, the woman starts resenting him, and also losing respect for him. And often has an affair soon after. It's a male/female thing, generally speaking. Not always, of course, but something to consider. It's often the women with too much time on their hands, who have no accomplishments under their belts, who stray.

In other words, make sure you don't KEEP doing all the housework etc.

I'm not sure I agree with that statement. Domestic Support is my FWW's #1 EN, while it's not even on my list of the top 5. Are you saying you should withhold a spouse's EN to help keep them from straying? That doesn't make much sense to me.

Of course not. And I said it was a generalization. What I have noticed is that many of the WWs spoken of here, had husbands who either initially or eventually ended up doing the lion's share of the housework, while the wife stayed at home (or worked), and did NOT contribute to maintaining the household. I think it's likely more an issue of a H giving in too much to his wife. "I don't like doing toilets, John." "Don't worry, Sheila, I'll do them for you." "You know, I also hate cooking." "That's ok, Sheila, I'll take over the cooking. I know you work hard all day." And on it goes, with the H thinking he's filling her ENs, but in reality she is taking advantage of his niceness. And the 'nicer' he gets, the less she respects him for NOT saying, "Yeah, I can see how hard it is to work 8 hours like I do, but you know what? This should be 50/50, not 90/10. Get a grip, we BOTH have to contribute."

ETA: this could be about anything, it's just the women so often typically run the majority of household support. This could be about any ENs that you are meeting, if the wife ends up not having to (or being expected to) meet any of yours. I guess I'm really talking about being spoiled. In way.

Cat,

I don't think she will. In our culture divorce is frowned upon and both of our families will have to face the shame of a failed marriage. My FWW's dad used to cheat on his wife openly and even had another family in another country but my FWW's mom would not leave him because of the shame she would have to endure. My FWW most likely would not be able to re-marry unless it's outside of the culture.

Just to clarify, the housework was never my expectations but she chose to do it anyway and then constantly complain that no one helped (which is false). I even had maid's come in on a number of occasion to make it easier and reduce her stress.

I think this is very wise on your part. Doing it for the wrong reasons just drags out the inevidible. Also take into consideration everything is still fresh (open wound). You should not be making any life changing decisions in your current state of mind. In the meantime you should hold WW accountable and don't let her project her guilt on you by blaming you for state of relationship. Like someone wrote earlier - she had other choices. She needs to respect whatever you ask of her at this time.

Gg

OK, Crusade, I'm going to say something here that may wind up getting me by some on this board. But I think not:

I think "staying together for the sake of the kids" is absolutely the wrong thing to do! I've heard this bullschwazz before, when I was younger. I didn't buy it then and I don't buy it now.

How is it good for the kids to have their parents constantly at each others' throats? Is this good parenting? I think it's much better to have one parent at least, who can demonstrate the values and principles that young people need to learn rather than two completely dysfunctional people sending all the wrong messages.

If you think you want to hold your marriage together "for the sake of the children," please reconsider. I think that's often more damaging than having parents divorce.

Fred,
I hear you and agree with you but we do yell or show any discord in front of the kids or other people. At least we try to.

Well crusade sounds rough for you. You can't expect,(or trust that), her to be faithful because you can't get any help from the rest of your world, IE. Family .Peers, because of "Shame"

You don't have any solid plans with her to build up the marriage because you you don't know if you should bother because of what a a$$ she was. And she was.. Now your ego is really damaged and you don't think you can get over it, or you don't know.

You might want to keep the family together for the childrens sake, so they wont have to deal with pain, shame, and separation.


You don't seem to be sure about things at all. You even hired a maid service to come in at one point? That was sweet.


I don't know what to say, maybe if you knew what you wanted it would help. Reguardless of what you want there still is a responsibility to your family.

I think you meant to say "don't yell or show discord." But even still, your kids aren't dumb or blind. If two parents don't get along, EVERYTHING they do shouts it out.

I don't remember my parents ever being affectionate with one another. I mean truly affectionate. I remember an occasional peck on the cheek or the mumbled endearment, but never the true "I love you, honey" or any of the signs that my folks truly loved one another.

When they divorced after 36 years and the kids (us) had grown into adults, no one was really shaken by it. After all, they had never modeled loving behavior to us, so how was this any different?

On the other hand, one of the things that made WW and me stand out to both family and friends was that we always held hands (even during A.A. meetings!) smooched in public (oh, my college proctors would be so upset!) and openly seemed to delight in each other's presence. At times our kids (hers and mine) would seem to become embarrassed by the attention we lavished on each other. This is one reason the A so turned my world upside down.

Kids KNOW. If you think they have to be told EVERYTHING then you have a lower opinion of children than I do (and sorry if that's a DJ).

I know what you mean Fred. Same thing at my house when i was a kid.

Sort,

your right I don't know what to do. Up until the affair was exposed she was an a**. Now she's changed,matured and apparently knows what love is and what a marriage is supposed to look like.

If it wasn't for the kids and other outside factors like family I WOULD NOT BE HERE. I know that without a shadow of a doubt.
Unless I say I don't give a hoot about anyone or anybody I am stuck...

Another note, My Godfather has been living with us for the last 5 years and the A had been going even with him here. Such gall and stupidity...

Too soon to determine this. She hasn't done anything to prove this and she hasn't earned it. Have you read the article below? It's a good article on just compensation...

Why We Can't Forgive and Forget

Gg

Your right Fred.
I am staying and trying to make it work for the better and truly have a loving M relationship for everyone but I am having a hard time letting her love me after what happened. Not just the A but even how she was prior.

Thanks GG,

I think I am the fool that gives the $10,000 even though the other person hasn't earned it...

What other's know of me is that I give too a fault..

I need some to setup some boundries to say no and let me people go through what they have to...

Sort,
We are in MC and in the Love and Respect with peers from church. To me it seems like pushing the cart before the horse..
I am still bruised from it all and everyone automatically expects for me to just get over the A and move forward.

Crusade,
There is a response Harley wrote to a WW. You might want to print it out and give it to your WW.

Harley Rules for WW

While you take you time to heal and think - your WW could follow the rules Harley suggests. At the very least she can start modeling behavior which is good for the kids to see, for now anyway.

Gg

Ppl would say that of me too.
You are talking about it Crusade so thats a start.

Thats what we are here for. To reason with you.

Thanks Sort,

It helps me a alot to talk it through with people who have been there. I want to make the wise decision not just the right one but in the end I do want Love to prevail...I just don't know if the knife wound is too deep.
My FWW told me she knew the consequence of her actions but she still chose to do it..this is so far the worst betrayal I have experienced and by the one who is vowed to love you the most and guard my heart...

I promised Pariah I would not post here anymore because the only affair I have been involved in is when a long time boyfriend cheated on me. It was a 14 year relationship but it has nothing to compare with a marriage.

Anyway. I got a thought for you Crusade. What if your wife treated you a little badly for your entire marriage. What if she took you kind of for granted and was slightly difficult to live with all these years.

THEN comes her affair.

You could put up with the bad way she treated you all these years and you have. But the affair is too much. Now you have the full picture. A wife that takes you for granted for many years and goes so far as to have an affair.

Maybe it is not the affair you are trying to get past, maybe it is her whole personality. Now you have seen the truth of who she is and how far she will go to satisfy her selfish self....

And it is a picture of someone you would not like, do not like.

If you are married to a person you do not like, even if you recently found that out, that is something that is hard to get over.

What you may be getting over is not only her betrayal but all the hurts that came before it.

Looking at it this way, it is no wonder you cannot quickly recover. In fact, perhaps part of your mind is asking< "Do I want this woman now that I know how far she will go to indulger her own selfishness at my expense?"

You have an inner battle going on and I can imagine how exhausting it is. It will take time not only to heal but to have this inner battle resolve itself. When it resolves itself, into what you decide to do with the marriage and what direction you will be taking based on what you know about your wifes character now, then you will feel much better.

I would start looking at the wife and see if her character is good now or warrants keeping the marriage. See if you like the dynamic of your marriage and if you want to change some things. Or if you can change things.

Good luck,, you can do it. There are just a lot of complex things to deal with that your mind is chewing on. Give your mind time to chew and maybe get some IC for yourself to help you work it out.