You'll get better. Time heals a lot of things. How about reading up on the Stages of Grief? I think that will help today.

Thanks Cat, I have read them. It just seems like when I start progressing through them, something else happenes and kicks me back to stage 1.

It's so bad. I try not to think of it, but it keeps coming into my head. He's on the fast track to divorce and I never saw it coming and he's moving halfway across the country to be with the OW asap.

I'm usually a very strong person. I was hurt very badly when I was a child and have always had the most difficult time opening my heart totally. When I became aware that my husband wasn't happy, I figured it was because I hadn't completely opened my heart; so I did. I looked so forward to him coming home and I had dedicated myself to do everything to ensure our marriage was better. But he just left. I trusted him. He was so secretive that it took until Christmas to find out who the OW is. I have the divorce agreement in hand and he will want me to sign on Monday.

It has been two months since he left, since I even knew anything was wrong. I think he had an EA via Facebook with her while he was in Iraq. He came home for two days after being gone ten months and then vanished. I think that's when it became physical. Maybe he thinks he's doing the "right" thing and being the "good" guy by divorcing me, but he is tearing my heart out as well as our children's. I think he thinks it's funny; probably not, but it feels as if he were really enjoying it.

I know what I need to do, but can't seem to get it together. I'm in a state of total panic. Never, did I ever think he'd leave me, or lie to me, or any of this.

Should I keep asking for changes to the divorce agreement? WS said he'd pay all the bills for a year and that I could keep almost all our belongings. I could get 3 years alimony if I go to court; maybe.

It's not so much that I care about the things. It's just that he will have to work alot to be able to afford paying our expenses and the expenses for his love shack. She is in the midwest I'm pretty sure, I'm only hoping that it being a "long distance" thing will help me. Any words of wisdom here?

I was feeling stronger yesterday and for the first part of today and then I got another email from him...

It is sad you wont accept the divorce. No matter what it will happen.You didnt make any time for me for years, 6 years! I dont love you and have been trying to live through depression for at least the last 2 to 3 ;years because you guys were just freeloading off me and I recieved nothing but your displeasures from it, daily! I just felt bad about divorcing you or would have a long time ago. I know you really dont love me, because if you did, you would want to let me go find happiness, but still you are selfish and refuse to help or be cooperative in any way. All you want to do is hurt me because you are hurting. I could write hateful mean things too, but I pray that you find strength and courage and heal, not for you to hurt and pay!!!!! That is the difference between caring and needing and between loving and codependancy.

Yet prior to this he sent me this June 1st and we have been so excited to see each other since..

I am truly sorry for hurting you. I don't love anyone but you and the
kids. I know we have problems but all I want is for us to have good
times and find joy and be happy with our family. That is the truth and I
pray it every night and every day. I will let you have time to think about things. Love you and
miss you, but I wouldn't want to be there right now.

Yours only,

And right before he came home beginning of Oct...



>>>>
>>>>> Sounds like a pretty busy week for both of us, huh? Hope
>>>>> everything goes well and Mops will be do happy there in his
>>>>> sanctuary. I'll bet those little dudes were crazy! Love you too
>>>>> have a good day, Im makin coffee and then have to re-do like 30
>>>>> training slides. Lovers you , Butterfly antennae.
>>>>>

He was home for a few days then gone...
Should I tell him I don't want to speak to him? It hurts too much. I waited so long and even wait now, only to be crushed by the bad stuff. I'm so pathetic, I know, but I love him

And what you should actually hear is "Blah Blah Blah Wayward Foggy Babble Blah Blah".

BTDT. The rewriting of the marital history is part and parcel of an affair. Follow your plan. You have the strength inside of you to do it. And if you're not sure what your plan is... write it down again.



Codependency saves marriages, as long as both spouses are co-dependent on one another.

Thanks Barnboy! What really hurts is that he tells everyone how horrible I am. He has tons of friends yet made sure he isolated me from everyone before he did this.

I will stick to the plan. How would you respond to the first email?

I'd get a lawyer and let the lawyer talk to him.

I wouldn't. Treat it as the wayward fog-babble it is, and just respond sweetly.

A forum member taught me how to handle that kind of talk. "Aww, I know how that feels, too, sweetie. Would you like a cookie?"

Remember that you need to set an end-date -- probably some time soon -- for when you're done being nice to him and need to shut him out of your life completely -- even if you don't divorce immediately -- in order to retain what love you have for him. He sounds like he's being an abusive, manipulative wayward who's putting your heart through the ringer.

Get ready for "Plan B", and you should really make sure your financial house is in order, and that your life is ready to communicate with him only through an intermediary to protect you from his wayward drama. You probably want to talk to a professional rather than just us forum-ites, too. Dr. Harley has recovered marriages in which the spouses have been separated for YEARS...

Thank you Barnboy, Your encouragement really helps and yes I do feel abused.

So do you literally say, "would you like a cookie?" Or just change the subject in some positive way?

If you respond the the fogbabble email, you could say something like

"I am sorry you are hurting and hope you feel better soon."

Simple. Loving. Addressing his angst but not reacting to it negatively.

Thanks reading! I'll do just that

As a fellow betrayed spouse, I feel I owe a debt to this board for helping put me on the right track in the tempestuous days post D-Day. Helping pass along some of what was given to me freely abates my debt.


You ARE being abused. Waywards abuse their spouses emotionally and sometimes physically. They abuse your fidelity by cheating. They abuse your trust by lying about it. They abuse your children by using them as pawns or making them lose a parent while concealing the reasons why.

Recognizing the abuse is just a step toward healing it... if you live as a victim forever, the wayward has won.


You figured it out on your own. The idea is to express sympathy and understanding -- heck, I even did that while my wife was going through withdrawal from the OM, I expressed sympathy for her feelings! -- and then move on to something positive.

Your goal is to rebuild romantic love, and part of the way you can do it is to avoid bringing up the affair as a discussion. Learn to present the truth of the hurt the affair causes in simple, direct language, without inviting discussion about it. Discussions about an affair are incredibly unpleasant and withdraw love units from both spouses. So during Plan A, you don't want to be the cause of your spouse's unhappiness as much as possible, so you try to keep the conversation positive and light. No divorce talk, no relationship talk, just deposit Love Unit after Love Unit without making withdrawals...

The point of saying 'want a cookie' is to establish to your WS that you won't engage in their fogbabble - that you give what they are saying NO credibility. Therefore, it makes just as much sense to change the subject and offer them a cookie, as it does to discuss why YOU caused them to have an affair. Besides, it confuses the h&ll out of them, and that momentary slip-up is priceless.

Thank you for explaining that Cat, it makes such good sense. I think that I also really need to get my emotions under control and not let his foggy talk affect me so much.

If it helps, think of them as a drug addict. Once you're addicted, every minute of every day is focused on getting you the next fix. Suddenly, that PhD in microbiology you're one semester away from seems like a waste of time. And who cares if you pawn your mom's wedding ring for the next fix; she's dead now anyway.

That's the kind of thinking a WS is doing. So when you deal with him, just remember it's the addiction talking, not the OLD H buried deep inside.

Wow! Great analogy! I'll keep that in my head at all times.

Okay, well I'm feeling pretty vengeful right now. Needing some help. I have to be nice right?

I am not caught up on your thread and I don't have much to say except give you a hug and wanted to say hi.

The addiction analogy is really dead on.

You have to remember that you are NO LONGER dealing with a human being, but the MONSTER who is out to destroy you and get his fix. At all and any cost.

This was so hard to remember and grasp because I saw him and he looked almost like my H except that if you looked closely at his eyes...... It was the eyes of a cold headed monster.

Personally, I would be upset if you DIDN'T report them stealing my tax dollars.

Hugs back Queenie! Slowly and surely am I gaining my strength. Thank you for the kind words.