Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 22 1 2 3 21 22
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
If you've been following my previous thread, tonight was the night to confront my wife.

I did....she totally denied it...evidence notwithstanding. Couldn't contact the OM or the girlfriend, wife says we're getting divorced, I ruined everything.

The original thread title "totally lost" doesn't begin to sum it up.....

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
jcb, thats ok, you didn't need her admission to know the truth. Just keep trying to contact the gf and tell your DD's. Your wife is threatening "divorce" as a tactic to shut you up.

This is not a disaster at all. Just stick to your plan. Have you told your daughters the truth yet?

Did you tell her she will have to leave the job in order for this work?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
Melody,
I know I am screwing it up, but god help me, I can't tell my girls...

We never got to no contact she started crying screaming blaming.

I picked the wrong week to stop the Lexapro...haha

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Just keep using the same thread, ok?

Now...you did NOT ruin everything. You just thought you could do it your way instead of OUR way, and you found out your way won't work with a drug-addict wayward.

So...are you ready to try our way now?

The first thing you do is get back on the phone and call EVERYONE. EVERYONE, do you understand? Before SHE does, and convinces everyone you're a wife beater, an alcoholic, a sex maniac, or whatever else she'll say to get you to back off.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Do you want to be the one the girls hate for the rest of their lives because YOU lied to them without even having a reason (i.e., YOU weren't the one having the affair)?

They deserve the truth. They already know it anyway; you continuing to lie about it makes them confused and makes them blame themselves, since you won't come clean.

Man up and tell your girls.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
Tried the nummbers, the only one that answered was the OM, i hung up (i did *67)everyone said the OM shouldn't be the first one....

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Ask the mods to combine this with your other thread, ok?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jcb
Melody,
I know I am screwing it up, but god help me, I can't tell my girls...

We never got to no contact she started crying screaming blaming.

I picked the wrong week to stop the Lexapro...haha

It sounds like she needs the Lexapro, not you! Stick to your plan and tell her "in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover." <-----be a broken record!

And stop shaking! Good grief.

So how are you explaining her tantrum to your children? More lies contrived to whitewash your wife's wrongdoing?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Originally Posted by jcb
Tried the nummbers, the only one that answered was the OM, i hung up (i did *67)everyone said the OM shouldn't be the first one....
If you want to save your marriage, hire a PI tomorrow morning to get all the contact info for their family.

Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
One of my problems in telling the girls is I promised her in therapy I would never make her look bad in front of our daughters again. I know SHE is lying, but if I go back on my word....am I any better?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Say this will kindness and FIRMNESS:

"in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517

JCB... STOP ...

Breate...

Focus...

Breate some more...

She panicking, you know something...
Shes freaking out trying to use emotion and fear to get a tactical advantage.
Suddenly her little fix is being threatened.

Its time to press forward man, not pull out. The only thing you'll be pulling out of is a parking space.

You will not be moving out of the house.
You will not be giving up your source.

Do you understand me?



FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by jcb
One of my problems in telling the girls is I promised her in therapy I would never make her look bad in front of our daughters again. I know SHE is lying, but if I go back on my word....am I any better?

Shes making herself look bad. She has to face the consequences.

I think theres a "teachable moment" somewhere in the lesson of life.


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jcb
One of my problems in telling the girls is I promised her in therapy I would never make her look bad in front of our daughters again. I know SHE is lying, but if I go back on my word....am I any better?

The only thing worse than making a BAD PROMISE is keeping a bad promise. Lying to your kids in order to whitewash your wife's bad behavior makes you an accessory to the crime. Teaching kids to be DISHONEST is parental neglect.

You do not have the power to make your wife "look bad" in front of her kids. HER OWN BEHAVIOR does that all on its own. Your wife looks bad - and she should - becasue she cheated and lied. If that does not look bad to your kids, then you have already taught them that dishonesty is acceptable.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
thinking of going to find OM and show him the email and tell him to stay the f*** away from my wife...

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
jcb, your family needs you to be a leader now, not a scared little man. Please stop reacting to your wife's tantrum and stand up for your family.

Go in there and tell your wife:

"in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover."

Then tell her you are going to tell the girls the truth - there will be no more lies.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517


JCB, the best kind of leader you can be for your children, is a dad who leads by example.



FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by jcb
thinking of going to find OM and show him the email and tell him to stay the f*** away from my wife...

He has already SEEN the email. You have an obligation right there at home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
R
RMX Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 517
JCB,

calm down, I think you need to sit tight for a few minutes and dont do anything rash.

Can you do that?



FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
J
jcb Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 107
yes

Page 1 of 22 1 2 3 21 22

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 89 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,789
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5