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ok, are you calmed down now? Are you able to continue this mission or are you going to be distracted by the childish tantrum of an entitled, angry tyrant?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jcb, anger is not a "disaster," it is an expectation. We knew she was going to get angry. If she sees your fear you will be handing her a loaded gun with which to shoot you. She will use your fear to manipulate you.

The fear thing needs to go. It is impeding your mission.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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When you have calmed down, go in there and tell your wife:

"in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover."

Then tell her you are going to tell the girls the truth - there will be no more lies.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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i'm here...

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the ONE thing I've done right..I've shown no fear, no crying, no hysteria, just calmly told her what I know and that I loved her and would fight to save our marriage

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JCB,

I know it hurts being lied to, but your going to have to expect it. You will need to judge her based on her actions not her words.

Melody is pulling for you and your family. Take her advice, she has wings like a angel


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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Originally Posted by jcb
the ONE thing I've done right..I've shown no fear, no crying, no hysteria, just calmly told her what I know and that I loved her and would fight to save our marriage

Good! Don't allow her anger to distract you. We knew she would get angry so this is ok. Go in there and tell your wife:

"in order for our marriage to recover, you will have to quit that job and end all contact with your lover."

Then tell her you are going to tell the girls the truth - there will be no more lies.

Stick with it, jcb! you are doing great, friend!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hang in there JCB. You can trust Mel

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jcb:

ALL entitled WS throw the "I am going to divorce you NOW (because of what YOU did..)". statemet out when they are first confronted with the truth.
oh- blah, blah, blah.
I read this same reaction and simalar empty threats, on these boards all the time. Really, check around, I think you will find it to be true.

The fact that she said this, I believe is showing you that you are doing something RIGHT. You are getting through to her. She does not like it (boo hoo). She sees a part of you that is standing up for yourself. That is very un nerving to her.

You did exactly the right thing. ForGET - friggin' sakes the OM. Do not focus on him! (I mean after you expose his bunz to the universe). He is a clown and a joke and insignificant to your job right now;
He will not listen, appreciate or feel empathy or threatened by you. You will be wasting your breath and time.

the focus is on your WW. Follow the advice. Do not go 1/2 way. You will do just fine.

Stay strong. Be the guide, father and idol you children deserve.

I don't know about what your MC said about "making a promise to not make her look bad"- SHE made herself look bad, and this is professional gaslighting/blamming. imho


Me; W 46
Him; H 46

2 girls
DD19
DD16
Dated/Married total 28 years.
..I am learning and working on myself.
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Thanks RMX and sortingitout. He is doing a great job!

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Be strong and don't waver, jcb. You are doing the right thing for your family. Choose to be a leader of your family, rather than allow yourself to be at the mercy of a tyrant. Help her be a better person because you love her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jcb, give her this letter and tell her you would consider it a good will gesture if she wrote this letter to the OM. [one like it, that is] Ask her to write it, and you will deliver it yourself.

[from SAA, pg 58]

OM, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my husband and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that jcb did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX





"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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told her "you have to quit your job and end all contact with xxxxx for our marriage to recover"

She said she's not quitting her job, she's leaving, i ruined everything, and I am crazy.

Younger daughter in bed, older daughter not home.

Failing........

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It's not going to work...she'll never admit...anyone I tell, she'll just call me insane.

She's already blaming it on stopping the Lexapro ( I've never felt more clear)

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Originally Posted by jcb
told her "you have to quit your job and end all contact with xxxxx for our marriage to recover"

She said she's not quitting her job, she's leaving, i ruined everything, and I am crazy.

Younger daughter in bed, older daughter not home.

Failing........

"Failing"? If WW is being honest, jcb, and you have truly "ruined everything" for her, you have been a lot more successful than you give yourself credit for.

Keep it up, jcb. You have some true heavyweight supporters in your corner.....

TB

Last edited by BTinBL; 01/04/10 09:23 PM. Reason: Bad grammar.....


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Originally Posted by jcb
One of my problems in telling the girls is I promised her in therapy I would never make her look bad in front of our daughters again. I know SHE is lying, but if I go back on my word....am I any better?
That sounds like you got blackmailed. Do you deal honorably with terrorists?

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I think the "ruined everything" is about the last 3 months which aside from the lies (haha) HAVE been the best of our marriage. I have never felt closer to her. I really thought this would go differently.

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Originally Posted by jcb
told her "you have to quit your job and end all contact with xxxxx for our marriage to recover"

She said she's not quitting her job, she's leaving, i ruined everything, and I am crazy.

Younger daughter in bed, older daughter not home.

Failing........

So tell her: There's the door. Either stay here with me and make the marriage work (marriage has only TWO people in it, BTW), or...well there's the door.

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jcb -

I can tell things are very chaotic for you right now. having been there myself, it is a very difficult time. regardless, you need to stop with the negative talk ("Failing") and start taking action. Don't sabotage yourself.

Don't be afraid to make mistakes, we all do. As long as you learn from any mistakes, and act in good faith, you will make many more good moves than bad. Stop carrying around the burden of lies and untruths on the behalf of others. It is not helping you. The truth is very important.

ML et al are experts, and once you start following their advice it will make more sense. I know it may seem crazy right now, but really I would expect everything to be crazy right now for you.

Telling my kids was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was also one of the best.

You can do it, and we are here to help.


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Where is your evidence?

How much do you have?

Have you exposed to EVERYONE?

If you don't tell your daughters, she WILL tell them "daddy is sick". Don't think for one second she won't or hasn't.

Women are vile and vicious creatures.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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Originally Posted by jcb
I think the "ruined everything" is about the last 3 months which aside from the lies (haha) HAVE been the best of our marriage. I have never felt closer to her. I really thought this would go differently.

You have never felt closer because you have been aiding and abetting her lies about her affair to you and to your children. You also allowed her to continue her contact with her lover, leaving that door open. That was not "recovery," that was APPEASEMENT of someone who bullied you into silence while she continued to lie to you.

jcb, you have confused "recovery" with avoiding your wife's anger. There is a huge difference.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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