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Originally Posted by jcb
thinking of going to find OM and show him the email and tell him to stay the f*** away from my wife...
So...you are STILL going to ignore our advice and do the SECOND thing we told you not to do. Instead of telling her family, and getting them to help stop her affair...

So...basically...you are afraid of pissing off your wife.

Are you aware that many women who have affairs get to that point because they lose respect for their husband, and go looking for a 'real' man (i.e. not a milquetoast)?

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jcb,

One thing that I have found in my journey is that not everything I have done has produced the result I was hoping for, but taking action - in and of itself -- has been very liberating.

Look at you. You're standing up for yourself and your M. Your facing anger, rage, venom, and staying calm, cool and collected.

You need to realize how great of a thing this truly is.

Keep it up.

TB



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Originally Posted by jcb
It's not going to work...she'll never admit...anyone I tell, she'll just call me insane.

But, you don't need her admission. You have the proof.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just stay cool bro . Its not the end and the only thing you "ruined" was the fantasy world she was living in.

She already looks bad in front of her kids or would have eventually. The MC is bogus.

Yeah ya don't deal with terrorists. Ask The isreali's.

Listen to these guys who have been here for years. Trust them, you are gonna be alright. Praying for you.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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Originally Posted by catperson
So...basically...you are afraid of pissing off your wife.

Are you aware that many women who have affairs get to that point because they lose respect for their husband, and go looking for a 'real' man (i.e. not a milquetoast)?

jcb, PLEASE listen to me when I say catperson knows what she's talking about. She's told me the same thing at times. And she was 100% correct. 100% correct, jcb. When I heeded cat's advice, I noticed favorable outcomes. At times it wasn't easy, but again, she's was right about me.

TB



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Quote
So tell her: There's the door. Either stay here with me and make the marriage work (marriage has only TWO people in it, BTW), or...well there's the door.
And don't forget to tell her that the girls will be staying with YOU.

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Originally Posted by jcb
thinking of going to find OM and show him the email and tell him to stay the f*** away from my wife...

I hope you didn't do this. Believe me that would only make it worse.

The kind of Man WW needs is one who stands up for himself not one who gets thrown in jail by being dumb.

I Know tho He really needs a beatin tho!! I understand man. But we are adults and gettin thrown in the clink is not good.


Me 56 Former BS
Widowed 5-17-09 --married 25 years.
4 children
DS-35 previous marriage--18-22 DGrandSons 6 and 4
Me former BS
DD-29 with DGDs 5 and 1yr
DSs 26 and 23
Teilhard de Chardin..We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience. ...Sounds about right to me.
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My wife just went to bed, still flailing I ruined everything. I calmly said I would no longer live a lie. She actually brought up the August confrontation and said my daughter and I said bad things to her and she couldn't believe I has done it again. Says she is going to work tomorrow and leaving that day. She said I shouldn't have dredged up the past, I asked her if that meant I should just shut my mouth and continue to live a lie, she just walked away.

I have a big install all day tomorrow...won't be home til later.

At this point, should I take my car from her, turn off her cell phone, etc. Everything is in my name only.

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Most DEFINITELY secure all your financials so she can't drain it! Cut off the credit cards you pay for. Buy some voice-activated recorders and hidden video cameras. If you can, install a camera in the house to record what she does.

And FOR GOD'S SAKE, call her family NOW!

If you don't, SHE will call them and LIE about you. In fact, don't be surprised if she doesn't call the police and lie about you beating her up. We just had a lady whose OM beat her up, or else she did it herself, and when the BH came home, she and the OM called the police and tried to get her H (the BH) thrown in jail for beating her!

PLEASE don't underestimate her addiction to OM.

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Originally Posted by jcb
At this point, should I take my car from her, turn off her cell phone, etc. Everything is in my name only.

jcb, you did just great, friend! Don't do any of this stuff, you have your plan already.

Expose the affair to the OM's girlfriend and to your daughters. Try calling the GF tomorrow and when you get home, set the girls down and first apologize for lying to them. Tell them the truth about the affair and tell them with whom.

Calmly tell your wife again that this will not work unless she leaves that job and agrees to end all contact with her lover. Let her know you would like her to send the OM the no contact letter I posted.

Focus on not reacting to her tantrums. If she goes hysterical again, pat her on the head, and say "I am sorry you are so upset but we won't be living a lie anymore." Then SMILE nicely. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
I asked her if that meant I should just shut my mouth and continue to live a lie, she just walked away.

A stronger response would have been to firmly (and calmly) STATE to Mrs. JCB, "I will not just shut my mouth and continue to live a lie."

Don't ask her.

Keep it up, jcb.

TB



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Originally Posted by jcb
My wife just went to bed, still flailing I ruined everything. I calmly said I would no longer live a lie. She actually brought up the August confrontation and said my daughter and I said bad things to her and she couldn't believe I has done it again. Says she is going to work tomorrow and leaving that day. She said I shouldn't have dredged up the past, I asked her if that meant I should just shut my mouth and continue to live a lie, she just walked away.

I finally had to tell my Kids alo what was wrong with MOM and she acted like I had cut her throat.
Its not true and you know it. Let her have a fit and fall in it.

Listen to Mel and Cat they will keep it simple and straight for ya.

Last edited by sortingitout; 01/05/10 02:55 AM. Reason: "imple?"
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Originally Posted by jcb
She actually brought up the August confrontation and said my daughter and I said bad things to her and she couldn't believe I has done it again.

This is some unbelievable gaslighting. In her spin, it is ok to have an affair and lie about it, but not ok to confront her with the truth of her actions. She is trying to turn this around to make HERSELF the victim, rather than her true victims, you and your daughters. That is twisted and sick, jcb, don't you see that?

How horrible for your daughters to be played with like this, only so your wife can hide from her wrongdoing. That is WRONG, jcb.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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jcb, I don't know if I have posted to you or not before.

I hear the fear in your words. I understand that fear. I understand that frozen dead in your tracks don't know what to do fear and everything everyone is telling you goes against what you believe to make sense.

I think catperson said it matter of factly. PLEASE don't underestimate the power of her addictions to the OM. It will drive her beyond anything you can imagine. It drove my H to places I NEVER thought possible.

I'm sure in the beginning people told you that there would be a time for you to act without it making sense or believing it to be right. I think this might be the time. It's like calling her bluff. Your FAMILY needs you to step up and protect them, to fight for them no matter what. Be willing to lose her to stand for what's right.

There was someone I was very close to on here, toomuchtoosoon. He pushed his wife, he called her bluff and here they are almost two years later, living a life of recovery.

Don't listen to your wife. She is the ALIEN.. Listen to the vets, the ones who have walked this place before.

And TRUST G-d. Listen to HIM....

Last edited by QueeniesAdventures; 01/04/10 10:14 PM.

BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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jcb, instead of being a conflict avoider, today you stood up for your marriage, your wife and your daughters. You did good, Sir. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not lies. Getting this out into the open will ensure that your marriage really does recover.

You did good today, Sir. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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JCB, have you read up on the carrot and the stick of plan A?


FBH 34 me,FWW 34,
DS 14, OC-D 12 (given up for adoption), DS-8, DD-5
D-Day#1 10-12-1998
D-Day#2 2-10-2008
Recovered!
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Thank you to everyone...I am going to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...

Thank You!

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jcb, you must EXPOSE this affair to everyone who has any influence on your WW. This includes her parents, siblings, friends, pastor and so on. Take this from someone who did not expose and STILL lives with a FWW who was never forced to face the consequences of her actions.

I am living in a marriage that will never heal, as a result. You don't want this.

As hard as it seems, you simply must do the exposure, in one fell swoop, contacting all these people as soon as possible, in as short a time as possible, to prevent your WW from doing damage control as Mel said.

State unto these influential people that your W is having an affair and you'd like to ask for their help in convincing your W to return to the marriage.

This step is more important than you might think. It is the biggest failure I made after I discovered the A.

Just do it!


BH - me 53, ONS 1979
FWW - 51, 2 EA's, 1 PA
Last D-Day, Sep. 30, 2003
Last Contact/recovery began 2-26-04

***You can do anything with time and money...but remember...money won't buy you time!***
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"Thank you to everyone...I am going to bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day..."

Only if you expose to DD's and WW family. Then go tell the OMGF.

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Originally Posted by jcb
One of my problems in telling the girls is I promised her in therapy I would never make her look bad in front of our daughters again. I know SHE is lying, but if I go back on my word....am I any better?

jcb, she broke the agreement when she chose to be wayward. You're not making her look back - she is! Do not put your daughters in a position to question why you didn't fight like the devil to save your M!


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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