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Originally Posted by RMX
JCB, the best kind of leader you can be for your children, is a dad who leads by example.

Agree. jcb, my FWH confessed to the kids after D-Day. They thanked him for his honesty, and admitted to a lot of confusion because they knew something was wrong, but didn't know what. They thought they were the problem! frown


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by jcb
the ONE thing I've done right..I've shown no fear, no crying, no hysteria, just calmly told her what I know and that I loved her and would fight to save our marriage

Then pony up and do it, man!


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Originally Posted by jcb
told her "you have to quit your job and end all contact with xxxxx for our marriage to recover"

She said she's not quitting her job, she's leaving, i ruined everything, and I am crazy.

Younger daughter in bed, older daughter not home.

Failing........

Blah blah blah - that's what she's saying right now, jcb. She is following the script to a 't'.


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Wife left for work, completely ignored me when I said I wanted her to quit her job and end all contact this morning.
I texted her the same thing when she left, said I understood her embarrassment and asked her to let me in. No reply....

I am going to start dialing...personally I think it ends our marriage....

The other feelings are getting stronger, starting to get very angry..regardless of my failings, I never cheated with some scumbag, or lied hundreds of times about it. She was sleeping with me and him at the SAME TIME! It's disgusting!
I'm not sure I want it to work....

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Originally Posted by Pariah
Women are vile and vicious creatures.

Easy, Pariah... "Some" women CAN be grin. "Some."


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Originally Posted by jcb
Wife left for work, completely ignored me when I said I wanted her to quit her job and end all contact this morning.
I texted her the same thing when she left, said I understood her embarrassment and asked her to let me in. No reply....

I am going to start dialing...personally I think it ends our marriage....

The other feelings are getting stronger, starting to get very angry..regardless of my failings, I never cheated with some scumbag, or lied hundreds of times about it. She was sleeping with me and him at the SAME TIME! It's disgusting!
I'm not sure I want it to work....

Your feelings are normal, jcb. Completely. We've all felt them. Now. Start dialing. This is where you're going to be going against what your logic tells you is 'right.' So take your logic and toss it right out the window. Logic doesn't work when a spouse goes 'alien'. Start dialing. Prepare for fireworks from an enraged WS whose fantasy is getting hammered. Stay calm. You can DO this!
hug jcb


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Originally Posted by jcb
Wife left for work, completely ignored me when I said I wanted her to quit her job and end all contact this morning.
I texted her the same thing when she left, said I understood her embarrassment and asked her to let me in. No reply....

I am going to start dialing...personally I think it ends our marriage....

The other feelings are getting stronger, starting to get very angry..regardless of my failings, I never cheated with some scumbag, or lied hundreds of times about it. She was sleeping with me and him at the SAME TIME! It's disgusting!
I'm not sure I want it to work....

Just hang in there and keep doing what your doing it sounds like she's got her head where the sun don't shine. Nobody has a right to treat you and you children like this.

I also agree with the others that you need to appear resolved and unshaken to her the last thing you want to come off like is pathetic.

Last edited by Only_Human; 01/05/10 08:51 AM.

Dday 2001
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Originally Posted by jcb
Wife left for work, completely ignored me when I said I wanted her to quit her job and end all contact this morning.
I texted her the same thing when she left, said I understood her embarrassment and asked her to let me in. No reply....

You did great! Just keep telling her this is your boundary.

Quote
I am going to start dialing...personally I think it ends our marriage....

Oh no, working with her OM every day and helping her keep her affair secret is more likely to end your marriage. Doing so ensures she never withdraws from her addiction and prevents her from ever truly engaging in the marriage. Let me ask you how you felt watching her drive off to see the OM every day?

Any luck on contacting the OM GF? What are your plans about the kids?

If she won't quit her job with the OM, I would take this to the next level and expose her at work and to your family and friends. Hopefully, she will agree to quit her job, but if she won't then this has to be considered an ongoing affair and treated as such.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The reason she and the OM need to be exposed at work is because their affair puts their company at risk of legal liability. It also puts enormous pressure on the affairees when management is watching them and motivates one of them to leave the job.

One of our board members devised a really good letter that can be used. It should be sent to the HR Director and the affairees supervisors, ccing them all [so no one is tempted to toss the letter]

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
I am going to start dialing...personally I think it ends our marriage....

Do not let WW know exposure is underway until you have already contacted a good share of your exposure targets. If she does try to contact you, you can ignore it...you want to keep your head as clear as possible and not get sidetracked by WW's impending meltdown. Good luck.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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JCB- Listen to the vets here, they know what they are doing based on experience. I too had struggled with exposure but I did it anyway. I took their suggestions and did the best I could. It was conflicting because we are so ingrained to 'protect' our wives from harm.

What is hard to see is that the exposure and other actions to end the affair truly are done out of love to protect the marriage and the spouse and kids. This has by far been the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life and I'm still in the middle of the angry firestorm that followed exposure.

That being said, it also has helped me to gain some control over my own destiny and to view our marriage a little more clearly. Hang in there, keep reading and learning, and fight for your marriage. You are not alone in this.


-SOL
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Told my oldest daughter, she started crying, then she got mad...it was awful.

She is probably on her way to wifes work right now....

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Just remember, jcb, the anger you have experienced so far is NOTHING compared to the anger she's going to try to bring to bear on you for exposing. The fury of a wayward having their affair exposed is UNBELIEVABLE.

So brace yourself for it. Expect it. If she eventually does get ahold of you -- and try not to let her do so until you're done exposing! -- she's going to do her level best to destroy you completely. She'll try to extract promises from you, try to browbeat you with everything you've ever done wrong, and tell you that what you've just done is unforgivable and possibly a greater offense than an affair itself.

Distance yourself. Shrug off her anger. Relocate yourself if you need to. Find some way to tune her out while she has the Mother of All Temper Tantrums.

That's EXACTLY what it is.

Now, on the other hand, some wayward wives react to the news in an entirely different fashion. If they are withdrawn enough -- that is, not in a state of "conflict" in the marriage -- they may be furious, but welcome the news as permission for them to go ahead and pursue the affair publicly. Be ready to shrug this off, too. They still HATE the exposure, but they will tell you they're glad for it in order to try to rattle your cage and make you react somehow.

Just practice one line over and over again in your head. "I'm doing everything I can to save our marriage." She will try to rationalize you into believing exposure is just hurting the marriage. Don't believe her. She doesn't know the truth of what exposure actually does: exposure is a calculated Love Buster with the intent of shining the light of truth on the affair to pierce the lies, and a way for a betrayed spouse to gain additional support from family and friends in order to survive the affair with their love for their spouse intact.

Here we are 4 months past D-Day, and my FWW still doesn't believe exposure led to her ending the affair. You and I know the truth. It's your best chance, you ARE doing the right thing, and all her anger and vicious attacks won't change that fact.


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Originally Posted by jcb
Told my oldest daughter, she started crying, then she got mad...it was awful.

She is probably on her way to wifes work right now....

Your wife owes her an apology. And I will tell you something else, jcb. Part of the reason your DD has reacted so strongly to this is because YOU HAVEN'T. When there is a vacuum in leadership that enables injustice to flourish, kids will often step up to the plate. It is very upsetting to girls to witness their fathers being manipulated by a WW.

We have one family where the WW was a serial cheater who flaunted her affairs for years. The father allowed this to continue unabated. The 18 year old teenage girl packed the WWs bags and kicked her out!

I am sorry this has been so traumatic for you, jcb, but what you have done is pulled out a rotten, stinking, festering tooth that was slowly poisoning your family with its infection. Sure, it hurts when the tooth is yanked out, but it is the only way to heal the infection. Trying to recover your marriage on a foundation of lies while she goes off to see her OM every day was an impossible situation, jcb.

Stick with it, jcb, you are standing up for your family by eradicating the lies and the adultery from its midst.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by jcb
Told my oldest daughter, she started crying, then she got mad...it was awful.

She is probably on her way to wifes work right now....
It may seem awful, but it was one of the most important things you could have done to get your daughters' mother BACK. SHE created this mess, not you. SHE needs to see the pain she has caused her own daughter with her selfishness.

A mother should be ashamed of herself for putting her own happiness ahead of her daughters'.

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Yes jcb she's going to howl like a bear caught in a trap so brace yourself for the worst. Your doing the right thing

Last edited by Only_Human; 01/05/10 10:01 AM.

Dday 2001
Me: BH-49
WW-44
Married 20 years

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jcb, exposure is tough and draining but you will have a sense of relief once it is over and you are done hiding WW's secrets.


BW - me
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2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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It's been said before on this forum but I think it bears repeating.

Your marriage can survive her anger.

It will NOT survive an affair.

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It might help, if you have the time, to read some of the other threads, where people went through the same thing, and executed a great MB plan, and saved their marriage.

It will also help you to realize your wife is no different than any other wayward. They ALL say the same things. DO the same things. Threaten to get a lawyer. Blame YOU for ruining chances, once you expose.

If you read other people's threads, you'll see their waywards doing the exact same things as your wife. But then, you'll see the WW calm down, realize what's now going to happen now that the BH is fighting the affair, and often give up the OM and apologize. Not a guarantee, but your best chance going.

Folks, what are some good threads to read? BarnBoy, over in Recovery, for one.

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Since JCBs WW sounds very similar to mine, try reading my thread "Want new start- wife doesn't". My WW has been following the script that everyone said she would. I was also posting my exposure progress as it went on too which may be helpful.

Well, I hope you will find it helpful anyway. My WW hasn't given up the OM yet, but I have seen some signs that it may be working.


-SOL
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