Pops: I will look up the Lacrosse stuff.

I don't think my need for details has much to do with my own A, since I've always been this way, even long before my A.

It isn't the mere viewing of porn that bothered me so much. I think the part that bothered me the most was the fact that my H was actually engaging in sex acts with other nameless/faceless people on the internet. To me, there's a line in the sand there, and that crosses it. There just seems to be a huge difference between reading pornographic stories or looking at pictures, and actually talking/typing/whatever to someone about sexual acts while performing them on himself. Maybe I'm the only one who defines that difference, but to me at least, merely viewing porn isn't adultery, but actually engaging in sex with someone else over the internet or phone is. It just seems so sketchy and dirty. I mean, you have no way of knowing who's really on the other side of that keyboard that you're doing this stuff with. My H even admitted some of them could have been teenagers. How can you possibly know? It makes me kind of sick.

I do want to heal and move on from this. One of the problems in our relationship has been this insistence on my H's part that he's told me everything and stopped doing everything and I think we're in R and moving on, but then bam, he'll drop another bomb and I'll find out about something else that he either a) didn't tell me about from the past, or b) never actually stopped doing, and we're right back to square one. So, right now, trust is a big issue for me.

i understand what you are saying. wish i could be more help from the mans viewpoint but like i said i just don't get the sex with a keyboard/phone thing.

i agree that there is a definate line there

viewing to me also is not necessarily adultry. i do think that it depends on what you are viewing. then again i don't get why anyone would want to view some of the wacky (sorry for the pun) stuff out there

Writer1,



I would guess that this stuff was very strange to him as well, thus the curiosity. It is also why he could stop it.

Your feelings about porn are not wrong. But, the real issue is the financial thing right now. Please understand that your H is not responsible for some of the expenses right now, you and your A are. However, he has agreed to take this on and may really feel like he is failing you.

I have several recommendations. The first is listen to Pops especially about the refereeing thing. Sports are nothing if about rules and you can learn them as well as anyone. Second realize that women's lacross is very different from men's lacross so when you read the site Pop's gave you, pay attention to the women's part.

Next, consider this. Often schools have Lacross teams and that means you may come in contact with a school looking for a teacher or who may know of a school that is. If you are having continued contact with kids and refereeing their games is just the sort of contact most would find appropriate, then you become a more viable candidate.

So not only do you receive money for this, you are in a position to make contacts where they may really benefit you.

As for the finances, let me recommend that you take Pep's and others suggestion and write down a few things before you talk.

1. What are the passwords and how do I access the financial information?

2. What are our goals?

3. what are our plans for meeting those goals?

4. Let me take a crack at a plan and see what you think. Do you think that makes sense?

5. WE are in debt. WE spend the money. WE need to solve this problem. Therefore, doesn't make sense for US to sit on the same side of the table and figure out what to do?

Start with those questions written down and give them to your H. When he answers them, then write out another set of questions.

1. When can we meet?

2. What should be the first thing for us to examine?

3. What are your thoughts on where we can cut back or save money?

4. How can I help?

Are you getting a trend here? You two are a team, reffing games will definitely teach you about teams. You two need to work together, and that starts out by setting the rules, the goals, and the timeline.

Please think about this.

JL

Is there something nagging you that maybe your husband has taken his predilections underground and is still secretly participating? If it was "just a stage," that's understandable, but if he truly is bisexual and into fetishes, etc., then you might want to know more truths.
The money sitch sucks. I'm living it, too. You have lots of company there.

I'm still weighing my options, trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. I'm looking at ways to earn a little extra money now (short-term) and also trying to find something I might want to spend the rest of my life doing (long-term). I'm considering going back to school, looking at either a Master's Degree in Library Science or a PhD in English/Creative Writing. Not sure if I would be more suited for work as a librarian or a professor. The PhD thing kind of scares me, since most of the programs are 5 years long and the thought of a dissertation is daunting, but there would be funding for many of the programs (if I could get in - it is highly competitive) and I could teach and earn some money while going to school. The library program is quicker and not as scary, but it would cost about $20,000. Personality-wise, I think I would be more suited for library work. I do have teaching experience, but it wasn't highly enjoyable for me. Of course, I was subbing at a high school - probably very different than teaching college.

I guess the big question is, can I afford to dedicate more time/money to going to school? And then, can I afford not to? My current degrees aren't likely to lead to much gainful employment, unfortunately, and I don't want to find myself working retail, managing a store or something and working terrible hours for mediocre pay, or adjunct teaching for even worse pay, for the rest of my life.

I've ordered the book Gack recommended and am waiting for it to arrive. Maybe that will help.

Imanotherone: I don't think my H is still involved in any of that. I have no reason to believe that he is, so I'm hoping it was just a passing phase. He says he has no desire to do anything like that ever again. But, there aren't any blocks on our computer and I don't really know how to check for any of that stuff, so I can't be 100%. I do have access to his email, and I haven't seen anything weird on there in a long time.

Time is running out, choose a path and follow it.


At this stage in the game, if you are going to go back to school you should choose an area of study that has a needed application in the workforce.

For example

Masters in English/Creative Writing = Well, other than Librarian or teacher I don't know what career this lines you up for. You don't need a degree to be a published author, so it doesn't really affect that.

Masters in Civil Engineering = You would be qualified to work for any engineering firm, construction consulting firm, high end large scale landscaping company, conceptual design firm, environmental consulting firm, or even a large construction/grading firm.

I am not saying go to school to be an engineer, I am saying at this point go to school to get a degree in a field that WILL lead to a definant career. Don't just go get another open ended degree.


As long as it leads to a career, YES!

1. Then why did you get them?
2. What are they?

I know a store manager for a large chain supermarket in my town. He was hired on as the store manager, he has a law degree (Masters I think) but had no experience running a supermarket. They hired him simply because he had a degree and applied for the job. They trained him at their regional headquarters and then gave him his own store.

Starting salary = $100,000

That's in an area where the cost of living is very low. $150,000 here will get you a 3-bedroom/2.5 bath/2-car garage house on a 1/2 acre lot.

He works 5 days a week Monday-Friday, 8:00-5:00
However, he is On-Call the entire time the store is open, and does get called in a few times a month.

He has been doing this for 5yrs and last time I spoke to him he still enjoyed it better than being a Lawyer.


Just saying, some retail management jobs can be good, and a degree, even in something completely unrelated, will help land such a job.

Currently, I have a BA in English and an MFA in Creative Writing.

I got the MFA because my writing wasn't going where I wanted it to go, and I knew I needed some help. My writing has greatly improved and, if I publish widely enough, I will be able to use the MFA to teach creative writing at the university level. It was a dream and I followed it. When I started the program, I owned a house with $150,000 in equity. It was our intention to sell the home, pay off my student loans, relocate to a cheaper area, and buy another house. Then, the housing market crashed and now my mortgage is upside down, even though I've owned my house for nearly a decade.

The Master's Degree in Library Science would allow me to get a job as a librarian. The PhD in English/Creative Writing would allow me to get a tenure job teaching at a university. So, those degrees would prepare me for specific employment. They may not be in the hottest fields, but I have no talent or experience for many of those "hot" field jobs. I love science, but my math skills suck, so anything in any field that requires math is out. I kind of have to work within my area of knowledge and interest. I don't want to bang my head trying to earn a degree I'm not good at or working a job for the next 30 years that I don't like.

Retail management is all over the place. Your friend sounds like they got quite lucky at that supermarket. I applied and interviewed for a management position at Barnes & Noble a few years ago. The job started at $26,000 a year and the store manager said that most of his managers worked a minimum of 65 hours a week, including evenings (until 12 a.m.) and weekends. That's just not the way I see myself spending the rest of my life.

How long till your first day of employment?
What is the starting sallory?
Whats the cost of living in your area, Lowe-Mediam-High.
Low being rural/cental Alabama.
High being Loss Angeles or New York City.


Same questions as above.
How long till your first day of employment?
What is the starting sallory?
Whats the cost of living in your area, Lowe-Mediam-High.
Low being rural/cental Alabama.
High being Loss Angeles or New York City.

Wait...........
Didn't you say you had nursing experiance?
R.N's make a killing and are in very high demand (Atleast in this area)

Yes, but what does HE make?
How much does HE work?

The idea would be to be hired on as, or within a few years become "The" store manager.

Gack: The store managers at B&N work even longer hours. They make a lot of money, but they're on call 24/7. They also have a lot of stress from the area management - i.e. if your store isn't making enough money, it's your fault, and you're in constant danger of being fired. I worked at B&N as a bookseller and the store managers were a very stressed lot. I've heard similar stories from other retail management environments.

Librarian: Program is a minimum of 2 years (full time). Starting salary - $40,000 - $50,000. I live in a very high cost area (So-Cal) but I don't plan on staying here and my H definitely wants to relocate too.

PhD: Program is anywhere from 3-5 years, full time, but I would in all likelihood be teaching undergrad classes while going to school, so earning some money in the meantime (probably only around $10,000). Starting salary after graduation would be around $50,000.

I did go to nursing school right out of high school, but I never finished. I was trying to go to school while being a single parent and the stress was just too much. When I married my H, I quit. I was so far behind, I wasn't going to graduate anyway. That was 16 years ago. I would have to start over from scratch, since it's been so long. None of my credits would carry over, and I've forgotten everything anyway. It kind of gives me hives even thinking about it, since it was such a terrible experience for me the first time around.

My H is finishing his PhD in May. Before that he did a masters. The entire time he has been in school, he has been a GTA. Now, except for the two years he was able to GTA full time, the pay was kind of stinky, but here's the caveat - ALL tuition has been paid. We never paid for one hour of classes. So if you can GTA, that helps alot. Now, his PhD is in music education. Not a lot of Music jobs right now. So that's a down side. But he spent quite a few years in a career that just about wore him down to an emotional nub. So as long as he is working full time, I can live with him not getting us rich. So if you do go back to school, that might be something to look at. Also, if you get a libray/media degree, you can also work in public schools, which usually pay more than a public library.

I definitely understand what Gack is saying. Some of my friends decided to get a straight music degree instead of music ed. What were they going to do with that??? Yeah, they loved music, but there is nothing you can really do with a voice degree, except sing really well while you manage the Gap. ha ha. So it is important to get something marketable. But, if you hate what you do, it's going to be a long 20 years or so before retirment.

I'll be praying for you. Life-changing decisions "at our age" can be scary.

Writer-have you tried doing individual tutoring? In your area, there must be a high demand from well-to-do's.
To break in, try getting a job at someplace like Huntington Learning Center or the like, or an SAT prep course. Show folks how smart you are on the Language Arts side, and folks will be lining up hoping to get the edge in the placement tests.
It's hourly work for start, but 20 years ago I did it and it paid $12 an hour back then. Can only imagine what has happened with inflation.
Good luck!

I have friends who tutor, and they charge 25.00 an hour, and this is in Auburn, AL. I bet in a bigger area it's even more. This may make you cringe depending on the age kid you enjoy, but if you took a workshop on the teaching of reading so you could be familiar with how younger students learn to read, you could do A LOT. Reading and math are big deals right now at the elementary level. That's pretty much what most standardized testing focuses on. And 9 year olds really aren't scary, not near as scary as 15 year olds!!

I am actually looking into tutoring. Unfortunately, I don't live in the area of So-Cal where there are a lot well-to-do people. I live far inland from the ocean and smack dab in the middle between San Diego and L.A. It's about 80 miles either way to get to a major city. My area is still considered pretty rural (by CA standards anyway). There's probably a huge demand for teaching people to read English out here, since the area is largely Hispanic, but I don't know if there would be much money in that. I am checking out tutoring though. There may be something. Everything is just so spread out around here and much of the tutoring I've found requires driving to people's homes and my van is on it's last leg, I'm afraid.

If I could get into a PhD in Creative Writing program, the tuition probably would be free and I would be able to teach as well. But there are only about 25 programs in the entire country, and each one admits 2-5 new PhD candidates a year, so it's a long shot. The Master's in Library Science program would be much easier to get into, but I would have to pay for that one. There are no universities nearby that offer it, so I would have to do an online program.

Sounds like your passion is in the PhD, but maybe hold off until the $$ situation stabilizes? I'd have to guess there are still some well-off folks in that area. Used to live in San Diego, and I remember the northern migration going on back then.
Again, teaching english as a second language would be good work, but the real cash is in private tutoring. Sad to say, the rich get special treatment, and they're willing to pay for the advantage!

Hey writer1, how's it going?

I'm doing okay. I had a bad day yesterday (I can hear that American Idol theme song from a few seasons back playing in my head right now). I was just feeling generally worthless and useless and hopeless. I need fewer "lesses" in my life, I suppose. Trying to pick myself back up today and brush myself off. I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning to go to the bathroom (TMI, I know) and got back into bed and was suddenly consumed by the realization that I would be turning 40 in a year and a half and what did I have to show for it? I mean, I was literally worried sick, going over and over again about how I've never had a full time job with benefits, never had a novel published yet, blah, blah, blah. But I finally got back to sleep and the sun is out here in eternally sunny So-Cal and it is a new day. I'm not dead and buried yet, so I guess there's still time to turn things around.

40 is WONDERFUL...

It's MUCH better than your 30s.

Trust.

Wow

I could not fathom such an existence. I have been gainfully employed full time since I was 18.
(Knock on wood)
Even when going to school full time as well.

As a published author, I must ask, why not?

(Granted I was not paid and it was an article in an automotive enthusiast magazine, but still..... I'm a published author!)


Seriously though, why have you not gotten a novel published.

And since you have not, perhaps it's time to try somthing else?
(May I suggest underwater basket weaving........ I'm kidding)

Dealan-de: I certainly hope so.

Gack: I guess I was just too busy raising 5 kids to work full time and go to school. I did nursing school full time while working part time and raising three kids on my own, and that about killed me.

I think I'm close with the novel. I think it's about finished and I should be ready to send it out into the world soon. I'm aiming for this spring. Having a new baby in the house set me back about a year. It's still hard to find time to write with a little one around, but I'm doing my best.

And trust me, publishing an article and publishing a novel are very different animals indeed. My novel is currently 350 pages long. The short stories I write are probably closer to the article (15-20) pages, but there isn't any money there.

I have considered underwater basket weaving. It sounds intriguing. Now, if only I could learn to swim...

writer1 please consider that it can be very difficult to get a tenure track university appointment ESEPECIALLY in a field like English. Are you and your family willing to relocate ANYWHERE that offers you a job?

Many PhDs wind up on continuing term positions that offer crap pay. Even if you do get hired, you then get into the nightmare of actually getting tenure, which given your age is unlike to be before your 50s.